Twice broken and left for dead

[vervy27]

2 hours ago, glows said:

It’s possible he never did expect you to buy a ticket because he thought you were “overly cautious”. You were only being cautious because he hurt you in the past.

When someone shows you what they are the first time, believe it. 

 

We actually decided together on the dates and I bought the ticket while we were connected to a live video call. 

So, yes, he saw I was serious about the whole thing. He could have stopped me but he did not.

Moreover, he chose to start a new local relationship just 2 days after the ticket was purchased in full agreement - while to me he was as always loving and considerate until the last minute when the truth about his double life came out. 

Edited November 10, 2022 by vervy27
grammar mistake

[mark clemson]

Unfortunately you fell for the wrong person. It happens to a lot of folks.

Suggest you try not to spend months stuck in distress. If you can't afford therapy, see if there is maybe a crisis line in your city? That may not be staffed by licensed professionals but it may help.

You are not abandoned, nor are you "left for dead". You're just single, like so many other women. Honestly, I'm sensing a propensity for drama here. Is it possible for you to work on that somehow?

Once you've processed this breakup, suggest avoiding LDRs as it's too easy IMO for people to have side relationships/affairs, etc, in those situations.

[glows]

4 hours ago, vervy27 said:

We actually decided together on the dates and I bought the ticket while we were connected to a live video call. 

So, yes, he saw I was serious about the whole thing. He could have stopped me but he did not.

Moreover, he chose to start a new local relationship just 2 days after the ticket was purchased in full agreement - while to me he was as always loving and considerate until the last minute when the truth about his double life came out. 

Now you know what he’s like, don’t accept any other second or third chances. You’re hurt so give yourself some time to process.

I think a person doing what he’s doing operates on a different level than the average person of average or reasonable conscience. I wouldn’t get too deep into what his sense of happiness is as it’s like wading into a thicket of thorns. Steer clear from people like this. You’re trying to make sense of it and wonder what all your effort is for. Date locally and give someone else a chance when the time is right for you.

[vervy27]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Unfortunately you fell for the wrong person. It happens to a lot of folks.

Suggest you try not to spend months stuck in distress. If you can't afford therapy, see if there is maybe a crisis line in your city? That may not be staffed by licensed professionals but it may help.

You are not abandoned, nor are you "left for dead". You're just single, like so many other women. Honestly, I'm sensing a propensity for drama here. Is it possible for you to work on that somehow?

Once you've processed this breakup, suggest avoiding LDRs as it's too easy IMO for people to have side relationships/affairs, etc, in those situations.

Responding to your question if it is possible for me to process what happened - well, everything still feels fresh in my mind and the grieving process will take a while. 

I still feel nauseous throughout the day and ridden by nightmares during the night. Last night I woke up in horror and cold sweat... 

I am trying to find ways to cope - I am trying to re-route my original ticket to a totally different destination actually; the whole idea of being stuck in my apartment during the time I was due to get engaged terrifies me..

 

[vervy27]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Now you know what he’s like, don’t accept any other second or third chances. You’re hurt so give yourself some time to process.

I think a person doing what he’s doing operates on a different level than the average person of average or reasonable conscience. I wouldn’t get too deep into what his sense of happiness is as it’s like wading into a thicket of thorns. Steer clear from people like this. You’re trying to make sense of it and wonder what all your effort is for. Date locally and give someone else a chance when the time is right for you.

I accept what you are saying about him, sure, you are correct; he may be a narcissist, totally cold and zero conscience when he needs to get out of a tight spot

However on a different level, when it comes to mind, it still hurts to the bone imagining those two together and I can't help it.

Today is his birthday actually, so it was hard not to think of him; however, in my part of the world, it's nearly 11 pm and so far today I have resisted the temptation of seeking him out on social media, that's just some tiny progress although I may not be able to keep it up daily

[NuevoYorko]

25 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

 

However on a different level, when it comes to mind, it still hurts to the bone imagining those two together and I can't help it.

How long you stay with this is a choice.   You haven't seen him for 3+ years and you broke up with him back then because you found out he was married.  Certainly he's had plenty of other liaisons in the ensuing time.  This one is just one of many and he's known her for 2 months?   It won't last and there will be other "gran amors" in his life, one after the other, and a lot of cheating.  He's a player.   

Stop looking at their social media chatter.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, vervy27 said:

We actually decided together on the dates and I bought the ticket while we were connected to a live video call. 

So, yes, he saw I was serious about the whole thing. He could have stopped me but he did not.

Moreover, he chose to start a new local relationship just 2 days after the ticket was purchased in full agreement - while to me he was as always loving and considerate until the last minute when the truth about his double life came out. 

Where were you planning to stay once you got there?  Did he offer for you to stay with him?

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

How long you stay with this is a choice.   You haven't seen him for 3+ years and you broke up with him back then because you found out he was married.  Certainly he's had plenty of other liaisons in the ensuing time.  This one is just one of many and he's known her for 2 months?   It won't last and there will be other "gran amors" in his life, one after the other, and a lot of cheating.  He's a player.   

Stop looking at their social media chatter.

I agree and you're probably not the only broken heart he's left behind as I said earlier.  I won't call him a Narcissicist (unless he's been diagnoised as one) because that word gets thrown around a lot these days when people aren't acting the way others want them to; but he's definitely a player.  I think if he hadn't gotten caught by his girlfriend/fiance he would have met up with you and had a fling but it would be short lived.  Don't you at least feel better that you didn't have sex with him and then find out he met another lady and asked her to marry him?  

Edited November 10, 2022 by stillafool

[vervy27]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I agree and you're probably not the only broken heart he's left behind as I said earlier.  I won't call him a Narcissicist (unless he's been diagnoised as one) because that word gets thrown around a lot these days when people aren't acting the way others want them to; but he's definitely a player.  I think if he hadn't gotten caught by his girlfriend/fiance he would have met up with you and had a fling but it would be short lived.  Don't you at least feel better that you didn't have sex with him and then find out he met another lady and asked her to marry him?  

I should reiterate at this point that it was not me who circled back in his life early this year. It was him who took the extra effort to convince me that he was a changed man. My mistake was that I still loved him, wanted to believe in him and gave him a second opportunity.  With that said, I have been his official girlfriend since last May and we were planning to make the engagement official this December before getting married in March 2023. 

He came across the 'other' woman around mid-August 2022 and within 2 months of first meeting her, he got engaged while treating me as his girlfriend he was going to get married in just a few months as well as as his "future wife and the mother of his children". 

I should add that during this time I did mention to him a couple of times that if something happens and his stance changes in any way about me, I would appreciate him letting me know well in advance so that I can avoid a terrible scenario of traveling to another continent only to come to know that his feelings had changed. He kept reassuring me until lately that this would never happen, that he was so sure that I was the woman he wanted to have in his life. Which made everything that ensued all the more shocking to me ...

Looking at it all, the 'other' woman is still a stranger to him because 2 months is close to nothing when it comes to building a solid relationship. That explains her reaching out to me to find out all the information about his terrible past behavior. So,  last week when I let her know that I might be traveling there after all to confront him once and for all, she decided to 'mark her territory' and listed her FB status as engaged. An absolutely shocking thing to do from her side knowing the things he has done for the past 5 years. Kind of surprising that she is putting up with all the s*** from him - after all, she has been warned, something I have not had myself. 

 

Edited November 11, 2022 by vervy27

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, vervy27 said:

I should reiterate at this point that it was not me who circled back in his life early this year. It was him who took the extra effort to convince me that he was a changed man. My mistake was that I still loved him, wanted to believe in him and gave him a second opportunity.  With that said, I have been his official girlfriend since last May and we were planning to make the engagement official this December before getting married in March 2023. 

He came across the 'other' woman around mid-August 2022 and within 2 months of first meeting her, he got engaged while treating me as his girlfriend he was going to get married in just a few months as well as as his "future wife and the mother of his children". 

I should add that during this time I did mention to him a couple of times that if something happens and his stance changes in any way about me, I would appreciate him letting me know well in advance so that I can avoid a terrible scenario of traveling to another continent only to come to know that his feelings had changed. He kept reassuring me until lately that this would never happen, that he was so sure that I was the woman he wanted to have in his life. Which made everything that ensued all the more shocking to me ...

Looking at it all, the 'other' woman is still a stranger to him because 2 months is close to nothing when it comes to building a solid relationship. That explains her reaching out to me to find out all the information about his terrible past behavior. So,  last week when I let her know that I might be traveling there after all to confront him once and for all, she decided to 'mark her territory' and listed her FB status as engaged. An absolutely shocking thing to do from her side knowing the things he has done for the past 5 years. Kind of surprising that she is putting up with all the s*** from him - after all, she has been warned, something I have not had myself. 

 

It's not surprising that she is believing him over you.  He's her fiance and a skilled liar.  Remember, you believed his lies too.  Wasn't he also on social media with her announcing their engagement?  She's probably thinking if he's willing to show the world that they are engaged she's the one he really loves.  The last 5 years doesn't matter to her because all of his bad deeds can be explained by him that was before he layed eyes on her and that's why he wanted to marry her.  

At this point it's best not to try to analyze their actions because it will keep you stuck.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, vervy27 said:

With that said, I have been his official girlfriend since last May and we were planning to make the engagement official this December before getting married in March 2023.

OP, if I may be blunt, this was a fantasy-based plan. You need to do a better job keeping your feet on the ground. 

This was a man who betrayed you very badly before. You hadn't seen him in years. Declaring yourselves a couple with plans to get engaged and then married was incredibly premature, given the circumstances. It sounds like you got caught up in the fairytale idea of it but it was not practical or realistic. So, the disappointment is extra bitter. 

He did a crappy thing, to be very clear. However, you simply must be more measured and responsible (to yourself) in the future. Don't build glass castles in the sky, as the saying goes. 

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, vervy27 said:

So,  last week when I let her know that I might be traveling there after all to confront him once and for all, she decided to 'mark her territory' and listed her FB status as engaged. An absolutely shocking thing to do from her side knowing the things he has done for the past 5 years. Kind of surprising that she is putting up with all the s*** from him - after all, she has been warned, something I have not had myself. 

 

It's not shocking.  She's "in love" with him.  You are a stranger.  Maybe he has you in the "crazy ex" role, as far as what he's told her.  In any case a warning from you is not going to mean much.  She's going to find out in other ways.

Meanwhile, you need to stop being involved with the details.  Doing that keeps you stuck.  Anything to do with this woman and her relationship with the creepy playah guy is just nothing but disruptive, meaningless noise.

Block & delete.  

[glows]

7 hours ago, vervy27 said:

Responding to your question if it is possible for me to process what happened - well, everything still feels fresh in my mind and the grieving process will take a while. 

I still feel nauseous throughout the day and ridden by nightmares during the night. Last night I woke up in horror and cold sweat... 

I am trying to find ways to cope - I am trying to re-route my original ticket to a totally different destination actually; the whole idea of being stuck in my apartment during the time I was due to get engaged terrifies me..

 

Is it a bruised ego though? If you really think about it you escaped a flying bullet by a hair’s breadth. This person fooled you but he’s not your problem anymore. The total conniving mess that he is is no longer your problem. Can you feel that freedom? The utter relief? 

Feel bad if you need to feel bad but just let this horrible mess go. You didn’t miss out on any great opportunity for a relationship with him. And even less, an engagement. Can you imagine being married with kids to a man like this? 

If you want to travel go travel and be safe. This person isn’t worth putting yourself at risk for anything.

[vervy27]

21 hours ago, Stret said:

If you and him ended up together you would be the one in the role of his wife or his now fiancé - cheated on and lied to. So thank that new woman to have run into him and taken your spot. You avoided a much bigger pain in the future.  

I'm more concerned about you having spend 3 years crying about a man who cheated on his wife and lied to you. Whatever you think he was - he wasn't. There is nothing to cry about in that sense.

However, I do think you might have some underlying issue that you're not addressing. I wonder about your childhood trauma, emotional pain and hurt that your parent(s) caused you early on, something that broke your self-esteem. Did you have anything like that if you look at your childhood? By finding out the root cause of your own behaviour and by focusing on yourself and not him, you will start your healing process. Your reaction to him and your going back to him after what he did to you, are just symptoms of something deeper. If this sounds feasible, let me know and I might have a couple of good resources to recommend. 

Sorry for what you're going through - hang in there, believe in yourself regardless of what any inner voice that was implanted in you long ago says, and don't ever again allow your emotions to pick a man for you when your brain is telling you "no, don't go there!". Emotions of others are easy to play with for those that don't have them, like sociopaths and narcissists who learn to mimic love and emotions, say the right words without feeling them, even cry to make you believe what they want you to believe. Don't care what was his reason and don't try and justify or understand him by wondering if he might be avoidant or anxious in his attachment style. One day, not too many years ago, I learned to accept the fact that I cannot understand everything and everybody, that many people are lying, manipulative, free of any guilt or consciousness. Why are they like that? Not my problem, not my concern, not the excuse for them to treat others badly and be aholes. Turn to those that treat you well. 

My father abandoned my mother for another woman (his mistress) just before I was born. I never had a relationship with him but he always let me understand he did not love me nor care about my existence. He passed away about a year ago (without us being able to reconcile in any way) and I must have spent a total of 5 hours with him in my entire life. As my mother never re-married, it was just the two of us. I am close to my mom but I am not comfortable expressing my feelings in words - if I love someone, I will show him through actions in my own way - something that, it turns out, many people struggle with. 

Professionally, I am a confident woman and adversity only makes me stronger - I never cry due to setbacks at work. I can turn things around pretty quickly. But personally, it just does not work the same for me. In fact, I am the complete opposite. when I fall for someone, I fall hard and become weak. I tend to be very accommodating. 

Perhaps an additional note to what happened this year: I purposefully took it slow with him when he re-appeared in my life as I knew that I had to protect my heart from any further abuse should that happen. But - he used my "caution and restraint" as not showing him love and potential for a fulfilled relationship - so he blamed me for finding another woman. 

I would be grateful if you had any resources that could be useful for me. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, vervy27 said:

I would be grateful if you had any resources that could be useful for me. 

It's probably a good idea to see your primary care doctor for a check up and tell her/him this story and ask for a referrel to a reputable therapist.

[ExpatInItaly]

I hardly think you were being cautious and restrained if you agreed to be his girlfriend, get engaged and then get married before you’d even met again in person. 

So that excuse from his is purely BS. He’s just a snake. Full stop. 

[FMW]

4 hours ago, vervy27 said:

I purposefully took it slow with him when he re-appeared in my life as I knew that I had to protect my heart from any further abuse should that happen. But - he used my "caution and restraint" as not showing him love and potential for a fulfilled relationship - so he blamed me for finding another woman. 

Planning to get married, even if not until next year, was not taking it slow.  

He has a history of finding another woman.  And another.  He's a cheater and a liar.  It wouldn't matter what you did.  

Not understanding how lucky you are to have escaped without getting legally married to him, much less having his children, is concerning.  Really think about what he did before, to both you and his wife.  And what he's done to you and another woman this time around.  It's a safe bet there will be other women in the picture in the future, if there isn't already.  

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, vervy27 said:

In fact, I am the complete opposite. when I fall for someone, I fall hard and become weak. I tend to be very accommodating. 

I think most people are very accommodating to their lover when they fall in love.  Love makes all of us feel weak in the knees, that's why we fall for that person. 

[vervy27]

7 minutes ago, FMW said:

Planning to get married, even if not until next year, was not taking it slow.  

He has a history of finding another woman.  And another.  He's a cheater and a liar.  It wouldn't matter what you did.  

Not understanding how lucky you are to have escaped without getting legally married to him, much less having his children, is concerning.  Really think about what he did before, to both you and his wife.  And what he's done to you and another woman this time around.  It's a safe bet there will be other women in the picture in the future, if there isn't already.  

I understand the being lucky part however at this moment I am still trying to process the ravaging pain that overwhelms me. 

He actually said he was a totally changed man now looking to commit to 1 woman and settle down finally, but you seem to believe he is truly beyond redemption 🙂

 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

He actually said he was a totally changed man now looking to commit to 1 woman and settle down finally,

It sounds like that is what he's trying to do.  It was just with someone else.  I'm sorry.

[FMW]

No one is beyond redemption - but that's their personal, journey, NOT a reason anyone else should trust them.  

[vervy27]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It sounds like that is what he's trying to do.  It was just with someone else.  I'm sorry.

I think I would be ready to believe this - IF he had truly finished it with me BEFORE dating this other woman; he DIDN'T

and had not been her who started suspecting him of cheating on her and subsequently contacted me out of nowhere, he would have continued with his double life at the time I am typing this response. 

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

had not been her who started suspecting him of cheating on her and subsequently contacted me out of nowhere, he would have continued with his double life at the time I am typing this response. 

For that you should be grateful to her.  Has he tried to reach you since having D-day?  Also I asked you this earlier; but you didn't answer-were your plans to stay at his place during your visit there?

[vervy27]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

For that you should be grateful to her.  Has he tried to reach you since having D-day?  Also I asked you this earlier; but you didn't answer-were your plans to stay at his place during your visit there?

Two days after the impact, I indeed received a call from his number which I did not respond to. On the same day, he visited my website and downloaded some of my writing...

Our plan was for me to fly over, stay in the capital (where he lives) for a few days, get engaged and then take off and visit other parts of the country since it was new to me and I was looking forward to exploring the new culture. And of course, I was due to stay with him and his family for those initial days. 

yesterday it was his birthday and naturally I did not reach out...

Edited November 11, 2022 by vervy27

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

Two days after the impact, I indeed received a call from his number which I did not respond to

Did he ever try to contact you after the reveal to apologize or explain himself to you after again betraying you?