Twice broken and left for dead

[vervy27]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Did he ever try to contact you after the reveal to apologize or explain himself to you after again betraying you?

As I did not respond to his call, there was no exchange anymore between us. He has not called again after that.

The only thing he wrote - which I already mentioned - was that I was to blame for him finding another woman 'in the meantime' because I was cautious with my feelings towards him and did not promise a fulfilled future together. 

[stillafool]

Just now, vervy27 said:

As I did not respond to his call, there was no exchange anymore between us. He has not called again after that.

The only thing he wrote - which I already mentioned - was that I was to blame for him finding another woman 'in the meantime' because I was cautious with my feelings towards him and did not promise a fulfilled future together. 

Why wouldn't you at least want to talk to him about this and get answers as to how he could do this to you?  You seem to be putting all of the blame on her.  This is all on him and his decisions.  Of course his excuse was a big fat lie.  Women don't arrange, pay for a ticket and travel to another country if they don't see a future.  You wanted to marry this guy and have his kids, so he's completely lying and I'm surprised you didn't call him out on it before hopefully blocking him.  Is he blocked from contacting you now?

[Wiseman2]

On 11/9/2022 at 5:41 PM, vervy27 said:

We had an 8-month relationship in the US until late January 2019 when I came to know Javier had been married in his home country and my world was shattered in an instant.

Read up on "romance scams".  He was deliberately deceitful for his own gain whatever that was, sex, money, green card or whatever his selfish reasons were to use you. The sooner you let go of the image of him and lift the fog to see the real fraudster he is the sooner you'll feel better you dodged a bullet like this.

5 hours ago, vervy27 said:

I would be grateful if you had any resources that could be useful for me. 

 

Edited November 11, 2022 by Wiseman2

[vervy27]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why wouldn't you at least want to talk to him about this and get answers as to how he could do this to you?  You seem to be putting all of the blame on her.  This is all on him and his decisions.  Of course his excuse was a big fat lie.  Women don't arrange, pay for a ticket and travel to another country if they don't see a future.  You wanted to marry this guy and have his kids, so he's completely lying and I'm surprised you didn't call him out on it before hopefully blocking him.  Is he blocked from contacting you now?

I thought of this but the only way to actually put it into practice would be to meet him in person and get closure. Remotely this will not work with him at all. 

With that said, I am doubtful this would be a $1000-conversation worth having?

I had a couple of friends suggesting me to go ahead with the trip, have fun by myself and forget his ass once I get there. I did consider it for a second but quickly gave it up as I was wondering "why to keep torturing myself and my heart". I do not practice sex tourism and nor I am interested in one night stands with some strangers in an attempt to "forget' what happened to me.  [Actually, these are the same words I also told him repeatedly - that I am serious about our future and no keen on a fling after 4 years of silence]. 

 

 

 

 

[vervy27]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Read up on "romance scams".  He was deliberately deceitful for his own gain whatever that was, sex, money, green card or whatever his selfish reasons were to use you. The sooner you let go of the image of him and lift the fog to see the real fraudster he is the sooner you'll feel better you dodged a bullet like this.

 

Ah okay - I thought you meant some stuff related to psychology. 

And no, no green card for him because I am European 🙂 and live in Europe at the moment. But indeed, we first met in the US by sheer chance about 5 years ago. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

I thought of this but the only way to actually put it into practice would be to meet him in person and get closure. Remotely this will not work with him at all. 

With that said, I am doubtful this would be a $1000-conversation worth having?

I had a couple of friends suggesting me to go ahead with the trip, have fun by myself and forget his ass once I get there. I did consider it for a second but quickly gave it up as I was wondering "why to keep torturing myself and my heart". I do not practice sex tourism and nor I am interested in one night stands with some strangers in an attempt to "forget' what happened to me.  [Actually, these are the same words I also told him repeatedly - that I am serious about our future and no keen on a fling after 4 years of silence]. 

 

 

 

 

None of the above addresses what my post asked.  Of course it's a bad idea to go on the trip there.  I meant a simple phone call to get clarity to why he did this to you.  Is he blocked now so you can be sure to not get involved with him again?

[Alpacalia]

On 11/9/2022 at 2:41 PM, vervy27 said:

Please help me see things in a clearer light. I kindly ask you to be sympathetic and please, do not just tell me the usual "forget and move on" , this is not what I am asking.

He's a scam artist and a user.

That's what's going on.

In the legal sense, no, but for the destruction he's left behind.

Try not to stay entangled in this any more than you have to.

Zero involvement on your end is what's needed.

The experience you've had is unfortunate, and I hope you're able to find peace and closure.

[vervy27]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

None of the above addresses what my post asked.  Of course it's a bad idea to go on the trip there.  I meant a simple phone call to get clarity to why he did this to you.  Is he blocked now so you can be sure to not get involved with him again?

Sorry, I thought I answered that by saying that a simple phone call will not work with him. 

I am not on social media channels - there was nothing to block him on really. I deleted his number for sure and not planning to reach out. Blocking does not work for me - if I block him, I will be tempted to unblock him later and reach out, I know, it sounds bizarre. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

Sorry, I thought I answered that by saying that a simple phone call will not work with him. 

I am not on social media channels - there was nothing to block him on really. I deleted his number for sure and not planning to reach out. Blocking does not work for me - if I block him, I will be tempted to unblock him later and reach out, I know, it sounds bizarre. 

No it sounds like you're waiting and hoping he'll reach out to you.  Deleting his number means nothing, you know it by heart.

[vervy27]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No it sounds like you're waiting and hoping he'll reach out to you.  Deleting his number means nothing, you know it by heart.

Perhaps you're being excessively harsh here? During the 3 years of silence, I did not block his number and I never reached out. 

When he re-surfaced, he contacted me on LinkedIn, not over the phone...which he will still be able to do in the future too given the InMail option. 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, vervy27 said:

he contacted me on LinkedIn, not over the phone...which he will still be able to do in the future

Hopefully next time you will ignore.  I know it seems some of us are being a little harsh, but in my own experience, that's what it takes to get through to us when we're really caught up in an unhealthy connection.  

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, vervy27 said:

 

He actually said he was a totally changed man now looking to commit to 1 woman and settle down finally, but you seem to believe he is truly beyond redemption 🙂

 

Now you're not serious.  

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, vervy27 said:

My father abandoned my mother for another woman (his mistress) just before I was born. I never had a relationship with him but he always let me understand he did not love me nor care about my existence. He passed away about a year ago (without us being able to reconcile in any way) and I must have spent a total of 5 hours with him in my entire life.

Professionally, I am a confident woman ... But personally, it just does not work the same for me. In fact, I am the complete opposite. when I fall for someone

It sounds like you could really use therapy and may be unconsciously re-enacting/setting yourself up for ingrained patterns from your childhood.

It's true private sessions are quite expensive. Consider looking into some of the online/phone alternatives, e.g. BetterHelp or others which might be more affordable. Just be sure that you end up with a licensed therapist whose approach to therapy you like and feel is helpful.

[vervy27]

4 hours ago, FMW said:

Hopefully next time you will ignore.  I know it seems some of us are being a little harsh, but in my own experience, that's what it takes to get through to us when we're really caught up in an unhealthy connection.  

I understand your point here. It's just that I'm already down-down, can't collapse farther than this. 

I expect the grieving process to take a while (but hopefully less than 3 years this time around) as there is also a compounded effect I am dealing with since he broke me twice

I know it's naïve for me to say this, but at times I wonder if he can really sleep well at night because I have been having recurrent nightmares in cold sweat for the past one week. 

 

[vervy27]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like you could really use therapy and may be unconsciously re-enacting/setting yourself up for ingrained patterns from your childhood.

It's true private sessions are quite expensive. Consider looking into some of the online/phone alternatives, e.g. BetterHelp or others which might be more affordable. Just be sure that you end up with a licensed therapist whose approach to therapy you like and feel is helpful.

Thanks for this - 

I am indeed still exploring affordable options and the search continues. One of the (expensive) therapists I reached out to suggested I should have in-person sessions given the severity of the impact. 

However, I will probably consider myself lucky if I can find online sessions whatsoever that fit my budget. 

How substantial is actually the difference between in-person and online therapy?

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

Thanks for this - 

I am indeed still exploring affordable options and the search continues. One of the (expensive) therapists I reached out to suggested I should have in-person sessions given the severity of the impact. 

However, I will probably consider myself lucky if I can find online sessions whatsoever that fit my budget. 

How substantial is actually the difference between in-person and online therapy?

Look for a sliding scale therapist.

[vervy27]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Look for a sliding scale therapist.

Unfortunately, where I live there is no concept of that;  

When I was in the US, I used the sliding scale to get some therapy the first time he hurt me. 

[Alpacalia]

31 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

Unfortunately, where I live there is no concept of that;  

When I was in the US, I used the sliding scale to get some therapy the first time he hurt me. 

Ask your local church, health department, etc. for a list of resources.

I'm sure you'll find something.

In the meantime you have a $1000 unused plane ticket in your pocket.

Treat yourself to a nice vacation later on with those unused travel funds.

Edited November 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, vervy27 said:

How substantial is actually the difference between in-person and online therapy?

I've heard some good things about them.  My doctor even recommended it.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I would not waste your time talking to this man ever again. 

You're not going to get any sort of honest explanation. He's a manipulative liar. Don't allow him any access to you at all, and don't give him an audience by having any further converstions. 

Focus instead on your own healing. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, vervy27 said:

 I have been having recurrent nightmares in cold sweat for the past one week.

The place to start is an evaluation of your physical and mental health by a physician. Get some tests done. Discuss the protracted sadness and anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

While a romantic disappoint can hurt, this is a severe reaction and could indicate underlying issues. In fact you may have involved yourself in an untenable situation because of untreated physical or mental health concerns.

Even the extreme language "broken", "left for dead", etc. seems to indicate that this severe reaction has some underlying contributing factors to explore.

Edited November 12, 2022 by Wiseman2

[IrinaM]

On 11/10/2022 at 8:22 PM, vervy27 said:

It was him who took the extra effort to convince me that he was a changed man.

no he put in almost no effort. He sent you a Linkedin request and then said a bunch of sweet words. (and I don't know what he could have told you to undo the fact that he lied to you about being married.) He was also so gracious as to get you to spend $1000 on a plane ticket to visit him.

I might sound old-fashioned here, but maybe think about protecting yourself by making men do a little work around getting to know you. See if a man is willing to invest some part of himself in getting to know you-- not words, texts, emails, skype calls, or whatever. Do not entertain all this communication from someone who isn't a physical presence in your life.

Next time someone betrays you, don't respond to any further communication from them. A friend request on social media was an incredibly low-effort way for this man to test the waters and see if you were up for another round of shabby treatment.

Also (and again this might be considered old-fashioned by some) it should have been him buying the plane ticket to come visit you. 

[Alpacalia]

It is true, OP. Sad to say that you made his task too easy for him. It took a single linked in message he could have sent blindfolded with his wrists tied and a pinky finger for you to travel out to see him and spend $1000.

It is not my intention to add insult to injury.

The way you reacted to his reemergence would have been radically different had you spent those three years working towards improving your situation.

He is vile with no respect for human decency whatsoever.

One day, I hope you will see that.

[vervy27]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

The place to start is an evaluation of your physical and mental health by a physician. Get some tests done. Discuss the protracted sadness and anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

While a romantic disappoint can hurt, this is a severe reaction and could indicate underlying issues. In fact you may have involved yourself in an untenable situation because of untreated physical or mental health concerns.

Even the extreme language "broken", "left for dead", etc. seems to indicate that this severe reaction has some underlying contributing factors to explore.

Thank you! Actually I do not fall in love easily but when I do, I fall hard and deep - as I mentioned in one of my earlier messages. 

In fact, since I first met him in person in the US in May 2018, it has never crossed my mind to date anyone else - I got absolutely stuck in this and it felt like no way out. 

Even after he broke me the first time in January 2019 - ever since men have stopped to exist. I cannot really explain why this happened the way it did - perhaps I can get more clarity from the therapist when I get one. 

Edited November 12, 2022 by vervy27

[Acacia98]

On 11/10/2022 at 2:57 AM, vervy27 said:

What I really struggle with at this time is: why did he repeatedly ask me to buy my ticket only to start a new relationship 2 DAYS after I purchased the damn ticket? 

And another thing that hurts like hell: Why is he acting as being head over heels with her on social media within such a short time of meeting her? They live in the same house now apparently, yet, they flirt on Twitter in 1-to-1 conversations? How weird is that? It makes me nauseous just thinking about it

 

You know what? All you know about him is what he has chosen to let you know and what has inadvertently come to light through other parties' actions. So it's safe to say there is a lot you do not know about him. That being the case, you don't actually know what he is like and the full extent of what he is capable of. So to answer your various questions, you need to stretch your imagination and consider all sorts of possibilities. For example, it's possible that, at any given time, he has ongoing flirtations or online relationships with more than two women. 

Imagine a situation where he's living with one woman and flirting with 5 or 6 other women online. Let's say he gets a kick out of these flirtations. It gives him a huge ego boost when they respond positively to him and when they believe him and do things he pushes them too. And let's say he's always trying to see what he can get each woman to do for him by making false promises to her. In that case, you'd just be one of many. He'd not actually feel attached to you or to any of the other women because it would all just be a game to him. He would say what he had to say to get you to agree to marry him and buy a ticket. But he wouldn't actually invest any of his own money in making it happen. He'd have you jump on to the plane to come and meet him. He wouldn't himself take time off work and get onto a plane to come to where you were. Think carefully about your interactions, especially recently. I'm willing to bet he didn't invest much more than sweet words. And it's quite possible that he was planning to get you to send him money (if you weren't already sending him some).