Twice broken and left for dead

[vervy27]

1 hour ago, IrinaM said:

no he put in almost no effort. He sent you a Linkedin request and then said a bunch of sweet words. (and I don't know what he could have told you to undo the fact that he lied to you about being married.) He was also so gracious as to get you to spend $1000 on a plane ticket to visit him.

I might sound old-fashioned here, but maybe think about protecting yourself by making men do a little work around getting to know you. See if a man is willing to invest some part of himself in getting to know you-- not words, texts, emails, skype calls, or whatever. Do not entertain all this communication from someone who isn't a physical presence in your life.

Next time someone betrays you, don't respond to any further communication from them. A friend request on social media was an incredibly low-effort way for this man to test the waters and see if you were up for another round of shabby treatment.

Also (and again this might be considered old-fashioned by some) it should have been him buying the plane ticket to come visit you. 

If what you attempted to point out above is that I am an easy woman or a doormat, you may not be on the right track, so let me elaborate. I was not able to provide all the details of my story because it would have become a novel and on a forum nobody wants to read that ...anyway

The fact that I went no contact for 3 years despite of missing him dearly every single day (Yes, I loved him and did not have a magic wand on me to make that disappear) - already shows a great deal of dignity and mental strength. 

It was not just a matter of a LinkedIn request; previously he had been trying several times via various channels to get in touch with me over the three years of no-contact - I ignored all of them as I was determined to heal and move on. Finally, in year 4 upon seeing how perseverant he was, I thought he had truly grown as an individual. So I accepted that LinkedIn request. 

It's easy to speculate about things you do not know about and I do not blame anyone on this forum; the fact is, where he lives, it's just a tad harder to travel across continents and thus it was on me to carry it out. And yes, I was keen to see him to better judge for myself whether it's worth moving forward at all - However, this time it looks like I did not need to fly that far to receive my answer. 

[vervy27]

10 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

You know what? All you know about him is what he has chosen to let you know and what has inadvertently come to light through other parties' actions. So it's safe to say there is a lot you do not know about him. That being the case, you don't actually know what he is like and the full extent of what he is capable of. So to answer your various questions, you need to stretch your imagination and consider all sorts of possibilities. For example, it's possible that, at any given time, he has ongoing flirtations or online relationships with more than two women. 

Imagine a situation where he's living with one woman and flirting with 5 or 6 other women online. Let's say he gets a kick out of these flirtations. It gives him a huge ego boost when they respond positively to him and when they believe him and do things he pushes them too. And let's say he's always trying to see what he can get each woman to do for him by making false promises to her. In that case, you'd just be one of many. He'd not actually feel attached to you or to any of the other women because it would all just be a game to him. He would say what he had to say to get you to agree to marry him and buy a ticket. But he wouldn't actually invest any of his own money in making it happen. He'd have you jump on to the plane to come and meet him. He wouldn't himself take time off work and get onto a plane to come to where you were. Think carefully about your interactions, especially recently. I'm willing to bet he didn't invest much more than sweet words. And it's quite possible that he was planning to get you to send him money (if you weren't already sending him some).

Thanks - no, I did not send him any money nor was I planning to do so. I may be naïve in many ways but I am trying not to be stupid 

I agree that the sky is the limit when it comes to all the speculations of why he did what he did; 

As we had a 8-month relationship before (not an LDR) and he knows my character pretty well, he must have known that I will kick his ass as soon as I find out about his terrible doings. 

The fact that he was not willing to wait for us to meet again (I agree, the waiting period was several months and for some people this may not be sustainable and feasible but he should have let me know then instead of leading me on)  and give 'us" a real chance tells me that he has a sad life indeed and I have dodged a bullet. 

To your comment "He'd not actually feel attached to you or to any of the other women because it would all just be a game to him." ,

I am not sure, he has just got engaged to a woman he first met about 2 months ago; 

It feels as if he were trying to be off the market fast before I was heading there to meet him 😉 Yeah, I guess, some things will just never make real sense to me

[Stret]

18 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

Finally, in year 4 upon seeing how perseverant he was, I thought he had truly grown as an individual.

So he was contacting you on social media for 3 years, which was ignored, and he anyway continued pushing and pushing for contact for years, and you took this as a sign of him "growing as an individual"?

He just saw that you haven't blocked him and to him that only meant that the door was still open and that he will break you sooner or later into responding. 

The fact that you say you don't fall in love easily but when you fall you fall hard is probably not something you want to advertise in public. The issue is that you don't just fall hard, you lose any sense of self, surrender your happiness and your future entirely into someone else's hands, and have zero control over your life. You set yourself up for a failure, a misery. A decent guy with decent intentions wouldn't necessarily want the burden of someone having such strong feelings for him that any move he makes can affect that person profoundly. The only people to whom this would appeal are not good people, but those that like to play with the lives of others. 

 

[vervy27]

1 minute ago, Stret said:

So he was contacting you on social media for 3 years, which was ignored, and he anyway continued pushing and pushing for contact for years, and you took this as a sign of him "growing as an individual"?

He just saw that you haven't blocked him and to him that only meant that the door was still open and that he will break you sooner or later into responding. 

The fact that you say you don't fall in love easily but when you fall you fall hard is probably not something you want to advertise in public. The issue is that you don't just fall hard, you lose any sense of self, surrender your happiness and your future entirely into someone else's hands, and have zero control over your life. You set yourself up for a failure, a misery. A decent guy with decent intentions wouldn't necessarily want the burden of someone having such strong feelings for him that any move he makes can affect that person profoundly. The only people to whom this would appeal are not good people, but those that like to play with the lives of others. 

 

I am not sure I understand this and I put it on the back of cultural differences. 

For example, while living in the US I often witnessed people in love who on the same night of their break-up from their soulmate were back on Tinder. I struggled to grasp how on Earth this is possible.. I guess, this is the definition of "not loving too much" that is more acceptable than "developing too strong feelings so that any move the other makes can impact profoundly" ? 

 

 

[Stret]

3 hours ago, vervy27 said:

I am not sure I understand this and I put it on the back of cultural differences. 

For example, while living in the US I often witnessed people in love who on the same night of their break-up from their soulmate were back on Tinder. I struggled to grasp how on Earth this is possible.. I guess, this is the definition of "not loving too much" that is more acceptable than "developing too strong feelings so that any move the other makes can impact profoundly" ? 

 

 

No cultural differences. I'm just saying, it was not a sign of him growing as an individual. In fact, it might be the sign that he still doesn't respect you or love you. If he did, he would leave you alone after being ignored. 

It is not about "acceptable", that is wrong way to frame this. It is about what is healthy for people. If that hypothetical someone went back on Tinder the next day after breaking up with "soulmate" (in their own definition of that word), I'd not necessarily see that as absence of pain and hurt and feelings. I'd see it as that person's way (unhealthy but much better than crying for years and not even looking at anyone else) to cope. 

Wish you well. X

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, Stret said:

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

 

[stillafool]

It would seem that after the way he betrayed you that he would have at least insisted that he make your travel arrangements and pay for your ticket to visit.  Having you pay was not the actions of a man in love and trying to make up for what he previously did to you.  It's no effort on his part.  It's doubtful you would have ended up staying with his family and him.  His fiance would've found out.  He would've come up with some other excuse why you couldn't stay there.

[NuevoYorko]

On 11/11/2022 at 6:32 AM, vervy27 said:

 When he re-surfaced, he contacted me on LinkedIn, not over the phone...which he will still be able to do in the future too given the InMail option. 

Block him on Linkedin.  

[NuevoYorko]

On 11/11/2022 at 6:10 AM, vervy27 said:

 

 

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Edited November 12, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, vervy27 said:

Even after he broke me the first time 

It bothers me that you repeatedly use this phrase, "he broke me."   Harsh reality check coming up:  He didn't.  YOU broke you, this time around.  You had a devastating experience with a bad person and made a choice all on your own to do it again.  He had given you no reasons aside from florid words from afar to believe that he was a completely changed man.  Really, this was nothing more complex than a basic catfish situation.  

You got hurt badly.  Yes, in a way you are a victim, but you need not to be invested in this victim role.   

Don't identify yourself that way.  Find your strength and identify yourself with that instead.  

It's also going to be your choice whether to exist in the deepest stages of grief for years again , over a romantic disappointment with a man with whom you have never actually shared any significant part of your life.     I know the pain is harsh and real but holding onto it is absolutely a choice.  A very bad one.

Online therapy with "Better Help" starts at $60.   I Googled it, you can do the same.

Edited November 12, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, vervy27 said:

How substantial is actually the difference between in-person and online therapy?

That's something you'll need to look into in your region.

[Acacia98]

23 hours ago, vervy27 said:

Thanks - no, I did not send him any money nor was I planning to do so. I may be naïve in many ways but I am trying not to be stupid 

(...)

The fact that he was not willing to wait for us to meet again (I agree, the waiting period was several months and for some people this may not be sustainable and feasible but he should have let me know then instead of leading me on)  and give 'us" a real chance tells me that he has a sad life indeed and I have dodged a bullet. 

To your comment "He'd not actually feel attached to you or to any of the other women because it would all just be a game to him." ,

I am not sure, he has just got engaged to a woman he first met about 2 months ago; 

It feels as if he were trying to be off the market fast before I was heading there to meet him 😉 Yeah, I guess, some things will just never make real sense to me

Lol. I'm glad you didn't send him money. But I suspect he has tried to get money from at least one of the women he has lied to. 

You have indeed dodged a bullet. For your sake, I'm glad you learned all this stuff about him while you were still safe at home, not stranded and brokenhearted in a foreign country. It hurts terribly. But you are safe. That's what really matters. And you can and will get over this with some work on your part. Definitely look into counselling as others have suggested.

I don't think his relationship with his fiance is worth envying. They've only known each other for two months and are living together? That's a recipe for disaster. They don't know each other. And there are vulnerable minors in the picture: her 3 kids. I feel sorry for those kids, considering whatever instability their mother and her new fiance are going to subject them to. 

[stillafool]

On 11/12/2022 at 5:00 AM, vervy27 said:

The fact that he was not willing to wait for us to meet again (I agree, the waiting period was several months and for some people this may not be sustainable and feasible but he should have let me know then instead of leading me on)  and give 'us" a real chance tells me that he has a sad life indeed and I have dodged a bullet. 

No it should have let you know that he lied about his feelings for you.  Couples wait longer than several months to be together without getting involved with other people when they are really in love.  This guy was not in love with you.  When you accept that you will be able to move on.