Johnsmith1993 Posted November 14, 2022 Share Posted November 14, 2022 This one is hard to explain, I have been with my partner for 10 years now, but for the last 5 years I have had this weird feeling towards my relationship. I find that 50% of the time I'm not happy with my relationship and I want to leave her. So I start to make plans about how to do it amicably, and more recently ensure my little girl has a structured family life if I was to leave. But then the other 50% of the time I'm madly in love with her, I literally love everything about her. Is this normal? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 14, 2022 Share Posted November 14, 2022 (edited) On 11/14/2022 at 5:27 PM, Johnsmith1993 said: for the last 5 years I have had this weird feeling towards my relationship. more recently ensure my little girl has a structured family life if I was to leave. Sorry this is happening. How old is your daughter? How is your relationship overall? How is the sex/intimacy? What are the conflicts about? Finances? Extended family? Household responsibilities? The future? How much has being parents changed your relationship? Are you still attracted to each other? Is there anyone else you or she have your eye on? Are you legally married? Decide if you want to stay or go. [ ] If you plan to stay, ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for yourself to work out your mixed feelings. Edited November 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator assumption Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 14, 2022 Share Posted November 14, 2022 It is completely normal for you and your spouse to have a "winter" season from time to time. As long as the love is there, you can work it out. More importantly, you’ll want to work it out. Both of you decide whether to work on improving your relationship or opt out. Obviously, one decision isn't better than the other (sometimes breaking up is the best), but it's your choice. A relationship without heart won't benefit either of you. It's sometimes helpful to focus more on yourself than your wife. When you're unsure what to do about changes in your feelings, check into who you have become. Do you like being around her? Does she bring out the best side of you? Or are you barely recognizable when you're around her? Do you feel like you’ve lost sight of your goals, possibly due to the way you are together? A year ago, you may have been in love, but today, that may not be true. Having grown in a different direction than your wife may not allow you to reconcile. There is no need to last forever for a relationship to be successful. It just might mean you’ve fallen out of love, and that it’s time to move on to the next chapter. Marriages with children should never be ended impulsively. While divorce can be difficult for your children, living in a loveless marriage may be even more damaging in the long run. It must be hard to make this decision. You have children and a marriage that you're questioning. The decision to leave a marriage with children isn't exactly black and white, so leaving isn't easy. "Stay together for the kids," but is that really the best decision? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 14, 2022 Share Posted November 14, 2022 What happened five years ago? No, I don’t think it sounds normal. To go so far as to swing to extremes of planning to leave and working out the steps and then claiming you’re madly in love with her don’t sound ok or “normal” at all. While there may be ups and downs in a relationship, the extremes of what you’re describing and the fact that it’s been changing off and on for the past five years sounds more like you’re deeply resentful of your partner and haven’t come to terms or worked out what that is yet. Does your partner have any idea about how you’re feeling? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Atwood Posted November 15, 2022 Share Posted November 15, 2022 18 hours ago, glows said: What happened five years ago? ^ This. What do you think is contributing to the feelings of wanting to leave? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 15, 2022 Share Posted November 15, 2022 I once watched a discussion with Ester Peril and she said relationships very normally cycle through three phases - the “I love you and I can’t get enough of you phase, the I’m not impressed with you right now phase, and the make up phase. (Don’t quote me on that!). I think there is some truth to that - nobody is happy with their partner all the time. What you describe does sound extreme, but you could just be a very black and white thinker. I will admit, I tend sometimes to go down the “is this really what I want for my life” road when I am struggling in my relationship. I think it’s ok to ask that every now and again. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 15, 2022 Share Posted November 15, 2022 It's very much normal to feel annoyed and out of patience with a partner from time to time. Sometimes you need to walk away for a few hours. Contemplating divorce is something that usually only occurs when a relationship is seriously fractured, not just a fleeting whim. Loving everything about someone is something that usually occurs before you really get to know someone very well, in the very early stages of a relationship. These are extremes that no, in my experience are not normal to swing back and forth between in an established relationship. In my former marriage, once divorce came into my head as a possibility for the first time, I no longer ever had feelings of being in love at all. In my current three year relationship I do have those in love feelings, I adore him, but I don't "love everything" about him. And even though there has been a serious challenge, any thought of ending the relationship never gets past a few seconds. I can't relate to the extremes you describe, and I have never heard my friends describe those extremes either. Do you experience other extremes in feeling/mood about other people and things? As others have asked, what prompted these swings five years ago? What specifically brings you to the thoughts and even planning for divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 (edited) I don't think it's normal to swing from one extreme to another like that. Yes, relationships have ebbs and flows, but healthy ones are like a wave, not a yo-yo. Do you feel that way about other aspects of your life? Have you spoken to a therapist about this? [ ] Edited December 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator armchair dx Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 No, I wouldn't say it's normal to be planning your exit 50% of the time. What sort of problems do you two have? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 4 hours ago, Kelton said: I don't see where the poster is married? Oops, sorry, my mistake. But the gist of the rest of my post still stands. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted November 18, 2022 Share Posted November 18, 2022 On 11/14/2022 at 4:29 AM, Alpacalia said: It is completely normal for you and your spouse to have a "winter" season from time to time. As long as the love is there, you can work it out. More importantly, you’ll want to work it out. Both of you decide whether to work on improving your relationship or opt out. Obviously, one decision isn't better than the other (sometimes breaking up is the best), but it's your choice. A relationship without heart won't benefit either of you. It's sometimes helpful to focus more on yourself than your wife. When you're unsure what to do about changes in your feelings, check into who you have become. Do you like being around her? Does she bring out the best side of you? Or are you barely recognizable when you're around her? Do you feel like you’ve lost sight of your goals, possibly due to the way you are together? A year ago, you may have been in love, but today, that may not be true. Having grown in a different direction than your wife may not allow you to reconcile. There is no need to last forever for a relationship to be successful. It just might mean you’ve fallen out of love, and that it’s time to move on to the next chapter. Marriages with children should never be ended impulsively. While divorce can be difficult for your children, living in a loveless marriage may be even more damaging in the long run. It must be hard to make this decision. You have children and a marriage that you're questioning. The decision to leave a marriage with children isn't exactly black and white, so leaving isn't easy. "Stay together for the kids," but is that really the best decision? In this case, yes. it sounds like the op is feeding the beast. He feels out of love, and rather than question why and trying to find a remedy,he’s working out divorce and custody arrangements in his mind? Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 (edited) Something to consider. This isn't about your relationship or partner per se but rather about you and the extreme mood swings you're experiencing - extreme high where you feel madly in love to extreme low where you feel like ending the entire thing. No this is not "normal" at all. Emotions ebb and flow but not to that extreme Have you spoken to a doctor about this? Edited November 20, 2022 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
BootsAndJeans Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 On 11/14/2022 at 12:27 AM, Johnsmith1993 said: This one is hard to explain, I have been with my partner for 10 years now, but for the last 5 years I have had this weird feeling towards my relationship. I find that 50% of the time I'm not happy with my relationship and I want to leave her. So I start to make plans about how to do it amicably, and more recently ensure my little girl has a structured family life if I was to leave. But then the other 50% of the time I'm madly in love with her, I literally love everything about her. Is this normal? Love is about making a commitment and doing the work to make it better. This type of feeling happends in all relationships or marriages. Bailing out is not going to make it better (unless there is demonstrable abuse going on), but will create more issues. Fix what you have. Link to post Share on other sites
Emma Jones Posted December 20, 2022 Share Posted December 20, 2022 Sometimes people live with their partner 24*7 and they spend most of the times with each other. Sometimes its good for some peoples but not for all. For this reason they got little frustrated and their love vanishes. I advice from my personal experience that you should get your own personal time. your 50% maybe turns to 70% or maybe 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted December 22, 2022 Share Posted December 22, 2022 Stop and think about what is going on during the times of "in love" and then what is going on in the times of "can't stand her" phases. And see where the differences are, and focus on your role and how you can change it. It is the only thing you can control (which is why I say focus on your role). Long term committed relationships have these ups and downs (though should not be as extreme as you are stating). It is important to recognize these downs while it is starting so you can attempt to right the ship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladybug1989 Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 (edited) Do not let go. i let my parnter of 7.5 years go. Who i was very much 50/50 with as like you. now later down the line i realised was the love of my life and is now too late to get them back. i have to see him everytime we drop our little girl off to each other. And it break my heart just a little bit more each time. If theres still love. Keep it. Dont let her [] go. Edited January 8, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language Link to post Share on other sites
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