How concerned should I be?

[PotatoHead]

Starting fresh with my GF of 2.5 years.  We had some rough patches early on and trust was broken with one of her coworkers, but we are on the path to fixing things and putting all of it behind us.  It's been going really well since we took some time off to heal, and started over a few months ago.  With that said, we both still have insecurities that pop up from time to time.  I think it will take some time before she can fully regain my trust.  Usually we will just talk things out now and that puts my mind at ease, but there is one area that I feel she has gotten a bit defensive when we discussed it and not fully addressed some of my concerns about the past, so it is giving me an uneasy feeling.

It is regarding a former boss of hers.  He was somewhat of a mentor to her and she had a lot of respect for him.  I never thought much of it at the time and was happy she had someone that would listen to her inputs at work.  They worked together for about a year, he was married with kids.  She was always open with me about their conversations, especially if it was anything other than work related.  I even met him at an employee christmas party once.  I maybe had wondered about their relationship from time to time, whether she was attracted to him etc. but I never mentioned it to her.

Soon after that, he left the company and moved out of state.  This is around the same time her and I started taking some time apart, recognizing our relationship wasn't healthy and we both had work to do if we wanted to have a real chance.  A couple months later after we had started talking and hanging out more, I noticed she had friended this former boss on facebook.  She had liked some posts on his page, and he had liked some of her pictures.  It was then that I told her I had a problem with her carrying on any kind of contact with him because it seemed inappropriate to me, especially given that we needed to rebuild our trust.  She agreed to remove him as a friend and said she wouldn't have contact with him, that they never messaged or anything.  But she went on to say that although he was an amazing boss and she liked him as a person, that he was nice, funny, and smart but she never had any inappropriate thoughts about him.  I didn't appreciate that she felt the need to compliment him before saying there was nothing inappropriate, and it seemed somewhat defensive to me.  But I know I need to believe what she is telling me and move on from it, they don't work together anymore and he lives far away after all.

Now that we have been back together for a few months, things have been going really well.  She removed any contacts with coworkers and doesn't befriend them anymore.  But the other day she was just scrolling through her phone and I noticed she had this former bosses number saved in it still, after she had told me she removed and blocked him.  She claims she has no idea how the number got in there or that she must have forgotten to remove it.  Again, I didn't think much of it but once in a while I start to get this uneasy feeling.  I don't believe there is anything going on there now, but I still wonder if anything ever did.  Or am I just overthinking all of these things?

I was doing really well and not worrying about things until just the past couple days.  I think what is making things worse, she is suddenly having an "issue" which is preventing us from being intimate.  It seems like it could be either an allergic reaction, or an infection, which of course has my brain going at light speed wondering where that could've come from 😣

[Alpacalia]

Was her former boss involved in the initial incident when she betrayed your trust?

There does seem to be an effort from her to earn back your trust.

She doesn't have to be watched like a hawk and questioned at every turn.

That gets old fast and makes people feel trapped. It's you trying to control the situation.

Her connection to whomever was involved in this breach of trust is another matter if she's still trying to maintain it.

In contrast, forgiveness is often presented in highly idealistic terms, and is more complicated than it seems. In principle, of course, it is a beautiful thing. Even people don't fully understand or acknowledge their own hurts when they forgive others. It may be superficial forgiveness that masks deep-seated hurts and resentments.

In spite of not knowing the extent of her betrayal or where you stand in your forgiveness process, you realize she has the power to hurt you deeply. Your relationship has cracks and fissures. It will take some time for you to trust each other again, as you will be more cautious than before. And it may not be the same.

You mention you've stopped being physically intimate. Has she made an appointment to ensure that she is physically healthy?

[PotatoHead]

Thank you for the response.  To answer your question, no this former boss is not the same coworker with whom our trust was breached previously.

I have been able to forgive much of what has happened in the past.  I am cautious because this is not the first relationship in which I have been hurt this way.  I am trying not to question her continuously and have been doing well so far, but occasionally I have doubts.  I wonder if there are other things that I never found out about. I get afraid to get too comfortable and happy because I remember what happened the last time that I did.
 

She has not made an appointment yet, is trying something over the counter to help with it.  I think my insecurity has been higher than normal because she is in the process of transitioning to a much higher position at work, overseeing most of the production staff.  So she has been dealing with a lot of other superiors lately and is trying to build a rapport with them.  I am still not at a place where I am very good at dealing with her being around male coworkers frequently without starting to let my thoughts get the best of me.  And she will be doing this much more in her new position.

Edited November 14, 2022 by PotatoHead

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Thank you for the response.  To answer your question, no this former boss is not the same coworker with whom our trust was breached previously.

I have been able to forgive much of what has happened in the past.  I am cautious because this is not the first relationship in which I have been hurt this way.  I am trying not to question her continuously and have been doing well so far, but occasionally I have doubts.  I wonder if there are other things that I never found out about. I get afraid to get too comfortable and happy because I remember what happened the last time that I did.
 

She has not made an appointment yet, is trying something over the counter to help with it.  I think my insecurity has been higher than normal because she is in the process of transitioning to a much higher position at work, overseeing most of the production staff.  So she has been dealing with a lot of other superiors lately and is trying to build a rapport with them.  I am still not at a place where I am very good at dealing with her being around male coworkers frequently without starting to let my thoughts get the best of me.  And she will be doing this much more in her new position.

Micro managing who she can or cannot talk to, or have on her social media, is being controlling out of your own fears from your past. Looking for clues gets you in a bad state, and that enables your insecurities continuously. She can reassure you all you think you need, eliminate every man in her life, and that still won't give you any relief. Please seek out professional counseling for this...this isn't a her problem this is a you problem.  

[basil67]

Is this the same woman where you both left your respective spouses for each other?   If so, you know she's capable of cheating - as she cheated on her husband to be with you.  Likewise, you also have a history of cheating, so you are no better.

How about you be honest with the situation: You know she can cheat.  She knows that you can cheat.   Controlling and monitoring her won't change this, so you may as well accept it for what it is.

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

I'm afraid to say this situation is of your making. Both of you created it.

The two of you now share two very thorny issues. How do you live with the knowledge that your girlfriend cannot be trusted? Equally, how does she deal with knowing the same thing about you? 

You cheated with her. Will you cheat on her?

The cheating itself says more about your relationship than any aftermath, and that’s the point at which it is finished.

[PotatoHead]

Right, I understand all of this and have heard all of these points on here before.  Yes, it's terrible the way we started.  Both cheated with each other, and now it's not easy but we are happy together and trying to grow together, learn from our past mistakes and move on from it.  Neither one of us wants to hurt each other and we've recognized the patterns and problems that led to what happened in our past and will not fall into them again.

I think that given how she betrayed my trust with a coworker, it's not being controlling per se to ask that she not pursue friendship with other men until a time that I am comfortable with it.  She also does not want me befriending other women.  We don't see any harm in setting these boundaries that we are both comfortable with and we talk openly about them.

I agree that I may be making things up in my head and worrying about what could have happened in the past with this former boss.  I need to move on from it and trust what she tells me if we have any hope for a future.  I guess my reason for coming here was to find out whether her actions with this former boss were inappropriate or not.  It's hard for me to see these things clearly when my vision is made blurry by my own tendency to overthink things, along with wanting to believe her reassurances that it was harmless.

[Alpacalia]

It is simply a matter of pointing out the obstacles.

The relationship started with dishonesty. Both sides.

Does this mean she cheated on you with this past co-worker?

The instinct to be on guard is probably ingrained in you regardless of what she or her boss are up to.

To get over a cheating girlfriend, you need to keep reminding yourself that this is a different person now.

Do you think she is? That's your way forward.

[PotatoHead]

Thank you @Alpacalia

[Mrin]

Yikes. I agree with others have said above - a lot of this in your head. I mean crimeny dude, she has a yeast infection or something and you immediately went "well where did she get it?" Think about that for a second. You have so little trust that the woman can't even have a minor feminine malady without you immediately suspecting her of infidelity. Doesn't that strike you as unhinged?

Now, I'm not saying that she is worthy of trust because the more I read about you two the less confidence I have. That being said, for any normal relationship your reactions and your expectations of the boundaries she must errect is completely unreasonable. That's a problem. That's a big deal. I honestly believe you have a lot of internal demons to slay. I also think that this relationship you're in is fundamentally flawed. It shouldn't be this way. It really shouldn't.

I suggest you work on yourself with a therapist. 

Best of luck!

Mrin 

 

 

 

[basil67]

12 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I guess my reason for coming here was to find out whether her actions with this former boss were inappropriate or not.  It's hard for me to see these things clearly when my vision is made blurry by my own tendency to overthink things, along with wanting to believe her reassurances that it was harmless.

Of what you describe in her interactions with her boss, I don't see anything inappropriate.   Which makes me wonder if I missed what prompted this reaction from you: It was then that I told her I had a problem with her carrying on any kind of contact with him because it seemed inappropriate to me, especially given that we needed to rebuild our trust.  What were you trying to rebuild your trust over?

Anyway, it is controlling of you to ask her to cease contact with with her ex boss, ex male coworkers and any male friends. Having good work contacts will help so much when she wants new jobs in future - whether they be looking for staff and suggest her or as referees.  

Given that she was understandably not going to ditch a mentor, workmate and other male friends for you, she should have told you that she was not Ok with your expectations.  But I guess she found it easier to just ignore what you said.  Much like how many kids who have overly strict parents just go and do the forbidden stuff anyway.

And I agree that her vaginal problems are probably just a yeast infection and you are massively overthinking it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is a train wreck. 

I’m sorry, OP. I just don’t see this working out well. There are way too many fundamental problems that will render this untenable. 

[PotatoHead]

Maybe there is some misunderstanding here, but we are committed to this relationship and going to work through these issues.  I know these thoughts are not healthy, and no I do not realistically suspect her of infidelity just because of an infection, but I cannot control the thoughts that pop into my head and start to build up and cause insecurity.

What @Alpacalia said is exactly what I needed to hear.  That I have to think of her as a new woman, not the same person that hurt me in the past, because she has changed.  We both have.  Part of my problem is that I was trying to cling to the person I thought she was before she hurt me, but knowing what she was capable of despite what I thought was a perfect relationship just unraveled everything.  We started over and I just have to remind myself that she is a changed woman that would never allow the things to happen again that led up to the previous incidents.  You can say that us not having friends of the opposite sex is controlling, but to us it is a healthy boundary that will ensure there is no opportunity for emotional cheating to develop.

Thanks to everyone else for trying to help.

[Mrin]

6 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Thanks to everyone else for trying to help.

Best of luck! Keep us posted.

Mrin

Edited November 16, 2022 by Mrin

[BrinnM]

I’m not surprised you don’t want that former boss of hers in your life, after finding out that she’s been cheating or almost cheating (I don’t remember) with yet another coworker. I don’t think she’s trustworthy, TBH. She strikes me as a woman who readily jumps at every opportunity to get a little bit of attention on the side, and/or some sort of advantage or popularity on a professional level. As a consequence, you’ll be in a relationship in which you will most likely never feel really relaxed; unfortunately, I’m getting the impression that you’ll be hypervigilant for the rest of this relationship, unfortunately. 
 

And don’t get me wrong - I don’t think you’re a saint and she’s the villain. I think there’s something going on inside of you that’ll always be there. No matter what partner you are with at any given time. Some feeling of insecurity, jealousy, and distrust. 
 

The fact that your relationship started out as an affair won’t make any of this better though. It’ll just compound the problem. This is both on her and on you, and I also remember that you pretty much deceived your then-wife & kids about the reason why you wanted to move (which is to be closer to your then-OW). This guilt will probably never go away. You might be able to push it aside for awhile (by justifying the lie because well, “my wife wasn’t a saint, either”, and this & that…), but that tactic probably will not work permanently. 

There are so many factors that are working against you here, @PotatoHead

Some are in your head, some are a result of how your R started, and some are a result of how she acts on a semi-regular basis. The more I read here from you, the less hope do I have for you guys to have a happy, trusting relationship. It sounds like a little bit of a cluster, TBH.
 

You’ll always find something to be doubtful about in this R, and she’ll always do or hide something, little things and big things, that’ll make you doubt everything even more. 🥺
 

You moved for her, & you moved your kids, too, and I think you’re putting a lot of pressure on her because of that; she’s just not the person who can fulfill all those expectations of yours. She’s not super-trustworthy, she’s not super-open about her past, her past dudes, FB friends, her phone, etc etc …… I think you simply expected more transparency after uprooting your whole family basically for her, and you simply didn’t receive it. So sorry! 

Edited November 16, 2022 by BrinnM

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, BrinnM said:

I don’t think she’s trustworthy,

That's my impression as well. It's a character issue. She's not a new, changed woman - this is who she is at her core. 

[JTSW]

55 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don’t think she’s trustworthy,

I don't think either of you are trustworthy.

You both cheated, both capable of doing it again, but you also both want this relationship to work.

It sounds like your insecurities run a little deeper though and in turn you are paranoid about her every move.

There is a major lack of trust in this relationship and I think you should both consider therapy, together and separately. 

You both need the help.

 

 

[PotatoHead]

People can change.  It just takes time and a lot of hard work.  That is what we are going through right now.  We have already made a lot of change in the past year.  Our previous relationships led us to each other because we were both avoidant dismissive, and had abusive spouses.  We let things build up, swept them under the rug and felt there was no way out.

We no longer behave that way together.  We bring up our issues and talk through them.  We hide nothing from each other.  I believe she is trustworthy and I know that I am, as I would not do anything behind her back.

I also want to recognize that I am willing to admit my own fault, it was wrong of me to ask her to block someone with whom boundaries were never actually crossed.  I am going to talk to her about this today.  Someone said that my insecurity is my own issue to fix, it's not up to her and you are absolutely right.  I need to own that and not expect her to cut people out for me.