Meeting the parents roadblock - or a larger relationship issue?

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

But wouldn’t it be reasonable to give it a timeline - say 6 months of not nagging or bringing up further commitment - and if I am still not any closer to a deeper commitment and/or proposal than I am now, gently let him know that I can’t wait around and just end it? 

Then you will have wasted six more months, that’s the risk here. Let’s be clear, you are not asking for a lifetime commitment, a ring, a wedding date, not even to move in together… You are clarifying some comments that have been made and the feeling that you are getting that his parents have a problem with your relationship. You have every right to clarify that information and he, as your partner, should want to be considerate of your feelings while having an open and honest discussion with you. He can do that, while still being respectful of his parents. That said, if he fails to have this discussion with you and attempt to resolve this issue (whatever it may be), that tells you something about what you can expect in the future - related to a possible marriage, trips to visit his family, when you have children, etc… Do his parents make the decisions for him? Does their opinion matter more than yours? 

 

1 hour ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

I have reason to believe he wants this to work out.

He may very well want it to work out, whether or not he is prepared to do what is required to manage his family is another thing entirely. To be fair, this happens in every marriage - there is often a point in everyone’s relationship where there is some kind of conflict and the spouse must deal with their own family - to manage expectations, set boundaries, resolve conflict, even just basic communication and planning for family events. If your partner can’t do this effectively, it does not bode well for a future relationship. 

[Stret]

I would be very concerned about the fact that his parents are controlling his life. He is definitely having something implanted into his head by his parents from early age that makes him treat them as priority in his life. Taking so much time out to go fly and visit them at least once a month, is just too much. You are going to have so much trouble with his mum if you stay with him. Your marriage will be about what mum wants, she will exert pressure on him to do as she pleases, and when you have kids, she will come over and interfere into their upbringing. The fact she is rejecting to meet you is a big sign of who she is and what is to come. 

But are you sure that it is about his parents and not about him? Did he perhaps invent the story and blamed it on parents when in fact he might be the one not wanting to bring you home? I'm really just guessing and this might not be it. But it is very curious how he shuts down when you ask for details. 

I am glad that you acknowledged your own issue and that is co-dependency - the way you described taking care of him when he was sick was enough to start suspecting that but then you said it yourself in one of the posts. You give too much of yourself. If I were you, I would withdraw that undivided attention and just be a bit colder to him, don't have time for him always, say that you need to think things through (as you do) and just distance yourself, say you want a few days just for yourself, let him see that you have distanced. And then see how he reacts over time. Is he cool with it and not addressing it, is he concerned and is asking you what's happening and why have you changed.... Tell him how you feel if he asks.

A guy that loves you and cares and is serious about your future will not let you go. A mature guy that fits that same description will take your side over his mother's. 

[ConfusedOrCrazy]

Still looking like it’s split in two camps! There’s @searching heart who considers that at 9 months there’s still not enough true familiarity between two people, and @introverted1 whose son is bringing a GF of 6 months to family Christmas. I guess it really depends on the guy and his personal hangups and/or the family hangups. We've spent quite a lot of time together during this time FWIW and believe know each other’s flaws and imperfections and quirks quite well. 

Regarding my timeline as @S2B noted, I definitely don’t want to waste my time but I think I can afford a couple of months to see if he will be willing to make some moves with regards to standing up to his parents. He’s the first guy I have ever imagined actually having a family with sometime in the future even though I’ve had prior long term relationships. I’ll ask him about his plan of how to “fix” it as @Gaetasuggested. I don’t want to shut down my concerns but I also don’t want to be naggy about it. I got more upset than I should have allowed myself to be when we talked about the family holidays first so he gained the impression that I am unable to control my emotions when something doesn’t go my way (not the case usually 🙄). That’s not typically how I am, but I do get more emotional than usual when it comes to relationships and love. I am aware that’s something I must work on but it seems like that he takes it very defensively when occasionally I’m upset at something he did or didn’t do (like talking to his parents and standing up for our relationship).  
 

@ElswythThank you for your thorough take. I am aware that lukewarm parents is not a good sign. My BF also seemed visibly frustrated at their lack of excitement about me and looked like he was being pulled in two directions essentially. He loves his parents. It would be unfair for me to make him choose a side especially so early on. I think he’s essentially trying to tread the thin line of not causing conflict with either his parents or me, but it’s catching up to him (in our relationship). He has very emotionally stated that “You’re dating me, not my parents, and it’s what’s between us that matters and not them”, trying to emphasize that in the end it would be his decision. 
 

And well… they haven’t met me. So even if they have some prejudice based on stereotypes, I’m sure meeting me would help dispel at least some of that. But, that again brings me to the crossroads of having to have a serious (but calm) talk with him about what his plan is for that - will he be talking to them about making a trip to our town and meeting me? 
 

And this brings me to @BaileyB’s point, it seems important to understand how bad of a dynamic this really is. My guess is that he feels controlled by his parents as long as he isn’t making a full income and hasn’t repayed them for all the ways they’ve helped him. He’s expressed that he’d want to be further from his parents’ control when he’s married, actually. One shocking thing he told me is that he had to pay them for groceries when he was stuck at their house for a few months during the beginning of COVID lockdowns. It’s not like he had a full job (just graduate student stipend) and his parents are very well off so that was kind of shocking to me. My family would never think of taking money from me if I wasn’t fully employed/graduated and they’re a lot less wealthy than his. 🤷🏼‍♀️
 

@Stret Thank you for that heartfelt response. I know in my heart that what described is how a man in true love should love his woman. I’ll try to emotionally pull back, at least to protect my own heart and sanity. It probably can’t hurt the relationship (in the scenario where he does make the moves to fix this situation). 

Edited November 15, 2022 by ConfusedOrCrazy

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

And well… they haven’t met me. So even if they have some prejudice based on stereotypes, I’m sure meeting me would help dispel at least some of that.

Don't be so quick to assume they'd be OK if they meet you.   I don't know what drives this kind of thinking, but I feel it comes from a place of closed thinking.  And if they are closed thinking, they aren't going to change even if you are everything good. 

And yes, your advice is splitting into two camps - it's not cut and dry so the advice will not be unanimous.   I suggest you read all the advice and then decide what works best for you.  

Edited November 15, 2022 by basil67

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

It would be unfair for me to make him choose a side especially so early on.

There is no winner in this situation - either side. Which is why you need to heed the warning signs early on and be careful that you don’t assume everything will magically work out once they meet you and discover how wonderful you are - his family dynamics pre-date you and love does not conquer all when dealing with family conflicts. 
 

10 minutes ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

I think he’s essentially trying to tread the thin line of not causing conflict with either his parents or me. He has very emotionally stated that “You’re dating me not my parents and it’s what’s between us that matters.”

Indeed, that’s exactly what he is doing when he tells you this without actually telling you what their concern is or setting a boundary with his parents. 

[introverted1]

9 minutes ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

and @introverted1 whose son is bringing a GF of 6 months to family Christmas.

To be clear, I don't think this is a preferred timeline.  I don't really have any thoughts on a universally preferred timeline.  But in your specific case, the salient factors are that 1) he has gone home to visit many times since you've been dating and has not brought you, even though 2) he has met your family and further 3) there appears to be some issue regarding his mother's acceptance of you.

 

12 minutes ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

It would be unfair for me to make him choose a side especially so early on.

The side he should be choosing is his own independence/adulthood.  If he allows this to become you vs his mother, no one will win, especially not you.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

It would be unfair for me to make him choose a side especially so early on.

And it's unfair of him to continue with you without sorting this out.   Especially if you want a family some day

Edited November 16, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you seem quite torn. It's not about camps or sides. You're the one who's getting mixed messages from him.

Keep in mind that everything that is happening is his doing. Everything.

You seem to think it's down to his snobby or rich or controlling or whatever parents, but actually he is making all these decisions. He's just hiding behind a third party so you're upset with them (even though you know nothing about them) rather than being upset with him. 

Even though right now you feel he checks all the boxes, he's making you unhappy and making you feel inferior somehow by pretending his parents are some sort of royalty who you're not good enough for. However that is him talking, not them. 

 

Edited November 16, 2022 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

It's not only that he's not going to bring you to his family home for a holiday.  I can understand that maybe it's not time for that.  The biggest issues are that 1) he is not preparing his family to accept you.  He got defensive, and then he defended their position.   If he were really in the state of mind that you are probably going to be a part of his family, even if it's in a few years, he would be breaking those barriers now.  And 2) big elephant in the room:  HE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE HIS "FREEDOM."  

That, to me, says clearly that he is not oriented towards making long range relationship plans at this point.

Neither of you are from cultures where arranged marriages are typical; therefore, I would tend to feel it's very unlikely that any man would be planning to marry the first girlfriend he ever had.  

[ConfusedOrCrazy]

On 11/16/2022 at 12:19 PM, NuevoYorko said:

It's not only that he's not going to bring you to his family home for a holiday.  I can understand that maybe it's not time for that.  The biggest issues are that 1) he is not preparing his family to accept you.  He got defensive, and then he defended their position.   If he were really in the state of mind that you are probably going to be a part of his family, even if it's in a few years, he would be breaking those barriers now.  And 2) big elephant in the room:  HE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE HIS "FREEDOM."  

That, to me, says clearly that he is not oriented towards making long range relationship plans at this point.

Neither of you are from cultures where arranged marriages are typical; therefore, I would tend to feel it's very unlikely that any man would be planning to marry the first girlfriend he ever had.  

Thanks a lot. I know logically that your first point is so true. If you truly love someone and envision a future with them, you would be at least priming your family to be absolutely crazy about them too. 
 

He has apparently talked to his family during this time and we are having dinner with his dad. I asked him how he brought up the topic to his family and he admitted that he said to them that they should meet me sometime soon because “I am getting worried”. I asked him again what he meant by that because I feel like him telling them that indicates that I am the one pushing him to get us to meet which is….. kind of wrong to me. I’d rather it be entirely his own excitement about introducing me, not guilt that I haven’t met his family while he has met mine. 
 

anyway someone earlier said I was overthinking this and I probably am, but it’s probably because I know that I am not getting the full and transparent truth from him and it’s making me anxious. 
 

and yes the whole “not wanting to lose his freedom” thing has already caused some strife since it has been three times now that he clearly prioritized his hobby and friends over quality time with me (we have limited quality time currently because we live in different towns and see each other only on the weekend, but that will change soon). He says it’s a part of him that is not used to being in a relationship and he values spending a lot of time on his hobby and (close male) friend group. At the same time he has been selfless with his time at other times while helping me with significant tasks (like moving apartments or giving me rides) which I really appreciated. 
 

So I appreciate his move to have me meet at least one member of his family in the near future, even though I don’t feel he’s being 100% transparent about everything related to that. I trust that it’s from good will on some level. I think this gives some hope that he is at least trying to work at this and is serious about the future of our relationship..?

Edited November 22, 2022 by ConfusedOrCrazy

[basil67]

I agree that he shouldn't be telling his parents that you're concerned.  His approach should be that you are important to him and he wants them to meet you.

Regarding him prioritising his friends, you've been together for nine months.   If it's only three times that he's chosen to some time with his mates on a weekend, I think that's pretty good.    Even when we're in a relationship, we still need time for our hobbies and friends...and in a healthy relationship a partner will be OK with that.  The only caveat I'd give is that he doesn't abandon you on your birthday or a special event which he has known about for some time.    

 

[JTSW]

This is not a 'him' issue OP, this is a 'parents' issue.

I've read many reddit stories about future in laws being against their son's relationship without even meeting them.

He is worried about you meeting his parents because he knows they wont treat you very well.

He is worried that they will put you off having a future with him.

I don't agree with those who claim he isn't interested in you because he clearly is.

He clearly loves you and values your relationship. 

He is just scared of the outcome of you meeting his parents.

Ask him if this is what he concerned about and reassure him that nothing will come between you.

Edited November 22, 2022 by JTSW

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

He has apparently talked to his family during this time and we are having dinner with his dad. 

It's unfortunate he's still reluctant but acquiesced to it. Keep in mind that he's the issue but makes everyone else the issue.

"His parents....blah blah" .So now he's throwing you under the bus. "She wants...blah blah". He is at the center of manufacturing this.

You seem to think that meeting parents can accelerate a relationship beyond it's level of seriousness at only 9 mos in almost as if you hope to be reassured.

However his freedom comment and reluctance to introduce you to his people are something to observe.

Carefully observe what is going on and what you hope for.

Edited November 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Regarding him prioritising his friends, you've been together for nine months.   If it's only three times that he's chosen to some time with his mates on a weekend, I think that's pretty good.    Even when we're in a relationship, we still need time for our hobbies and friends...and in a healthy relationship a partner will be OK with that. 

This was exactly what I was going to say - 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

He has apparently talked to his family during this time and we are having dinner with his dad. I asked him how he brought up the topic to his family and he admitted that he said to them that they should meet me sometime soon because “I am getting worried”.

This would hold no appeal to me. I would find this very awkward and I would be very resentful to my partner that he is putting me in this position. 

[ConfusedOrCrazy]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree that he shouldn't be telling his parents that you're concerned.  His approach should be that you are important to him and he wants them to meet you.

Regarding him prioritising his friends, you've been together for nine months.   If it's only three times that he's chosen to some time with his mates on a weekend, I think that's pretty good.    Even when we're in a relationship, we still need time for our hobbies and friends...and in a healthy relationship a partner will be OK with that.  The only caveat I'd give is that he doesn't abandon you on your birthday or a special event which he has known about for some time.    

 

We went to a party with his friends instead of celebrating my birthday. This was the weekend after my birthday and he missed it because he was … visiting his parents.  We had been dating for about 7 months at that time. He did get me a gift and wrote a card (which it’s clear he’s not super used to doing - birthdays are a big thing in my family contrary to that). I tried not to let it get to me since it seemed a difference in family traditions perhaps (not ideal but maybe he can be taught).
 

and those 3 times I mean that he had plans with both me AND his friends but he ended up prioritizing his friends in that particular situation (two of those times he spent a good chunk with them even though he created the expectation that I’d also be included). Also, he spends plenty of time (including parts of the weekend) on scheduled time with his friends and I haven’t had any issues with that unless it involved a pre made plan to include me that got sidelined. 
 

thanks @JTSW for the input, I know he loves me too. He’s just a really independent person and this relationship has challenged that independence he has developed in his bachelor life.

 

@BaileyB yes I agree I felt a uncomfortable about that. But when I tried to get him to explain further what he meant he didn’t really want to talk about it and said that it had more to do with him already having met my parents, and me not having met his… which doesn’t seem like putting the best foot forward in asking them about it 

Edited November 22, 2022 by ConfusedOrCrazy

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

I asked him how he brought up the topic to his family and he admitted that he said to them that they should meet me sometime soon because “I am getting worried”.

This is bad news, imo.  He's already setting things up so that any issues are your fault -- you wanted to meet, he did it for you, etc. -- when he should be standing up for what he thinks is the right thing to do.

8 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

we are having dinner with his dad.

So you're no closer to understanding why you are an issue for the mom. And he accepts this.

Sadly, I don't see this working out for you until/unless he decides to grow up and make clear that you are important to him and that he expects his family to be warm and welcoming toward you, or that he plans to drastically reduce his interactions with them if they can't do this.  A life together where his primary tie is to his parents is not one I think yo will enjoy.

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

But when I tried to get him to explain further what he meant he didn’t really want to talk about it and said that it had more to do with him already having met my parents, and me not having met his…

That wouldn’t be an acceptable answer to me. Grown men in relationships communicate with their partners.

[Gaeta]

51 minutes ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

I know he loves me too. He’s just a really independent person and this relationship has challenged that independence he has developed in his bachelor life.

Said every woman dating a commitmentphobe. 

it's all a matter of motivation. He's not motivated to introduce you to his parents, he's not motivated to make you his priority, but he's very motivated to keep his 'freedom' and very motivated to participate to his weekends with his buddies.  At both your age, after 9 months dating, this relationship should have escalated much further. 

Ask yourself if this is really the relationship you wanted for yourself. I have a feeling in 3 years he'll still value 'his freedom' & prioritize his buddies AND still not have the back bone to take you to his parents and say: 'this is my gf and you will all respect her'. 

You're dating a boy OP. 

Edited November 22, 2022 by Gaeta

[ConfusedOrCrazy]

I want to thank everyone who replied to this thread. We’re spending the holidays apart (Christmas, his birthday, New Year) and it feels frustrating because even couples who’ve been together one third of the time that we have are spending at least one of these festive days together. His mom insisted that he stay home until at least New Year’s day and he obliged her, even though he previously gave me the idea and hope that he would try to spend New Year with me. 
 

He also didn’t give me a Christmas gift before leaving to his family’s house because he thought that “since you’re spending Christmas with your family on a vacation I can give it to you later” (translate: “I haven’t thought of a gift to get so here’s some chocolate from the nearby chocolate shop”). Meanwhile I got him an expensive gift that I’ve gotten a while ago from a trip while thinking of him and gave it to him (with a card) before he left. I didn’t get a Christmas card either. I spent the Christmas week with my family on vacation because obviously he said I couldn’t spend it with his. 
 

all this time he’s acting like everything is totally fine and I should be happy when he gets back from his family’s house (in a week, it will be over 2 weeks since we last saw each other). He says he loves me and calls me nearly every day now that we’re apart but things are not adding up. I feel lonely during the most festive season while apparently having a boyfriend who “loves” me (but makes no effort to even compromise on some of the holidays). 

Edited December 31, 2022 by ConfusedOrCrazy

[Gaeta]

I am sorry he's given you many disappointments. I think you've wasted enough of your time with him. You cannot convince someone to make you a priority. They have it in them to do it or they don't.

Later when you meet a man that's serious about you, you will be glad you dumped this one.

It's easy to tell someone ILY. It's something else to show our love with actions. You're right it's not adding up. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ConfusedOrCrazy said:

I want to thank everyone who replied to this thread. We’re spending the holidays apart (Christmas, his birthday, New Year) and it feels frustrating because even couples who’ve been together one third of the time that we have are spending at least one of these festive days together. His mom insisted that he stay home until at least New Year’s day and he obliged her, even though he previously gave me the idea and hope that he would try to spend New Year with me. 
 

He also didn’t give me a Christmas gift before leaving to his family’s house because he thought that “since you’re spending Christmas with your family on a vacation I can give it to you later” (translate: “I haven’t thought of a gift to get so here’s some chocolate from the nearby chocolate shop”). Meanwhile I got him an expensive gift that I’ve gotten a while ago from a trip while thinking of him and gave it to him (with a card) before he left. I didn’t get a Christmas card either. I spent the Christmas week with my family on vacation because obviously he said I couldn’t spend it with his. 
 

all this time he’s acting like everything is totally fine and I should be happy when he gets back from his family’s house (in a week, it will be over 2 weeks since we last saw each other). He says he loves me and calls me nearly every day now that we’re apart but things are not adding up. I feel lonely during the most festive season while apparently having a boyfriend who “loves” me (but makes no effort to even compromise on some of the holidays). 

While he's away, and you are with your family, reflect if in the 36 weeks you have been dating is making you happy.

Start by stepping away and observing more. Discontinue overinvesting then feeling hurt that he doesn't care as much as you would like.

Use this time for reconsidering overinvolvement and overinvestment. The more you do that the more hurt and disappoinment there will be. 

You'll be happier in the long run, if you observe rather than force fit a quite reluctant man into your life.

[poppyfields]

On 11/22/2022 at 6:02 AM, Gaeta said:

Said every woman dating a commitmentphobe.

Just catching up here and I also read your update OP. 

I also re-read the post wherein he admitted to you he is afraid of feeling "trapped."

Going forward, please stay away from any man who tells you this, there's nothing good there. 

Combined with him not wanting to lose his freedom and now spending the holidays apart, @Gaetais absolutely correct in the quote above. 

This man is a huge commitmentphobe, classic case! 

And no amount of waiting around, six months or whatever, is going to change that. 

Sadly, I don't envision anything good or positive here at all.  You are going to get your heart broken, I can almost guarantee it, I'm sorry. 

Also, I would suggest doing some self-reflection to determine why is it you are so drawn to him, more than any other man you've dated. 

It's possible you have your own fears and anxieties surrounding commitment and on some level he feels safe to you because of his resistance. 

It's two sides of the same coin - him being the active partner who actively runs away from commitment by placing unreasonable boundaries. 

And you being the passive partner waiting around trying to catch him and hoping he changes and "comes around." 

Often times one is completely unaware of their own anxieties; it only becomes apparent by their choice of partner - another person averse to or fearful of commitment.

Like your boyfriend.

He is not going to change OP, I promise you. These are very complex issues and fears that have been set in motion for years, since childhood.

Research it, learn about it.  Know what to avoid next time.

Him being 27 and having had no relationships longer than one month was a huge red flag!! 

But yet you shuffled that under the rug justifying it up the wazoo, claiming he hadn't met the right girl or was too independent and then later blaming his lack of commitment on the fact he's been a bachelor too long. 

I encourage you to reflect on that. 

Please know the longer you "hang in" and wait around, the more anxious he will become.  

This is a no-win.situation for you OP.

The best and only thing to do is wish him well and move on..

I'm sorry. 

Edited December 31, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lisa]

Comment below from @Alvi

OP, while this guy is probably not a bad or a terrible person, he is also not the right one for you. He is not making you happy. And trust me, time moves very quickly and you are not getting any younger (unfortunately). You don't want to wake up one day down the road all alone or in a dead end relationship such as this one. If I could give a piece of advice to my younger self, it would definitely be not to waste any time on a guy who has trouble committing. You are not going to meet someone else who might give you what you want if you stay with him.