still struggling with emotional blackmail

[wtm78]

Usually, when you talk about domestic abuse, everyone assume it is the husband. Very rarely, will it be the wife. Especially so, when my wife , or ex wife is such a sweet lady, so nice to everyone. when we were dating, she was the nicest of all the woman i dated, and she doesn't display any signs of toxicity. Some how, once after we were married. She seems to let loose all the 'demons' inside. All the self harm acts in front of me, and threaten suicides. She seems to think that every time we quarrel, or have a spat, that I want to abandon her. I do not know what deep psychological issues she has or what is her trigger. She doesn't want to talk about it, and refuses to go for therapy. Just every spat, very disagreement we have turned into her display of self harm. Eventually, she also started to run away from home, to her parents. And she initially would disappear for 1day, and i thought she needed some space. But it turns out that she keeps running every other day, and the time taken for her to return slowly increase from 1 day to 3days to weeks, and weeks turn into months, up to 3 months. While I never had the intention to leave her, her actions seems to slowly wear out my patience. I suffered quietly for 2 years, mostly waiting for her to come back so we could talk. But i realise, it is not going to happen. Everytime I brought up the subject, she starts her cycle, ending with running away. I sought help from her sister, and 21 other therapist and some pastors. No one could help, because she refused to speak to them. Eventually, she ran off for 2 years, during the separation, I brought up the subject asking her what she wants. She doesnt want to divorce, doesn't want to get back, doesnt want to seek help from anyone. She ask me to wait, give her time to deal with herself, then she would go see a doctor. SO i waited. I went through Covid, alone. And 1 day, she asked me out, brought me to fancy resturant to celebrate my birthday and 3 days later handed me the divorce paper. Once again i crumbled.. Beaten.. I felt played... She told people that i kicked her out of the house, hence she is too tramuatised to return, she told my mum that, told my counselor that, told the lawyer that... now its been more than a year since divorce.. yet i still feel torn.. i have no idea what was going on.. All i know i got married, and then the end of the relationship.. if there is a god, and god does not agree on this marriage, why then did he allow the wedding to happen, and then in the bible state that since already wed then let no one take apart what god put together, meaning no divorce, and tells me to hang in there, or so i thought, and then the real divorce happened? I dont understand this, i cant put this into perspective. Is the universe trying to screw with me? 

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Addressing the Effects of Emotional Abuse 

The term “emotional abuse” describes a range of behaviors that can impact people in many different ways. Abuse can occur during childhood, in a romantic relationship, or may come from a friend, family member, or coworker. While some people live with it for years, even brief instances of emotional abuse can cause real and lasting damage.

Self-doubt, blame, and shame

People who are emotionally abused frequently doubt themselves and may struggle to admit that the behavior they experienced was even abusive in the first place. Many people struggle with feelings of guilt or shame about what happened to them. They might struggle to understand and believe that they weren’t the ones at fault. Emotional abuse can severely damage a person’s self-esteem, causing them to feel worthless, powerless, or unlovable.

 

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Interpersonal relationships

Emotional abuse can also interfere with future relationships. After being abused, it can be hard to trust. Some abuse victims may isolate themselves, while others struggle to bond with people. Healing from emotional abuse is essential if you want to learn how to build healthy relationships in the future.

 

 

[stillafool]

Have you tried telling her that the next time she leaves she will not be welcomed back?  As long as you continue to put up with her coming and going when she wants she will continue to do it.  When you do nothing, nothing changes.  You need to try something drastic to let her know you mean business and will no longer be there for her.

[wtm78]

On 11/15/2022 at 9:12 PM, stillafool said:

Have you tried telling her that the next time she leaves she will not be welcomed back?  As long as you continue to put up with her coming and going when she wants she will continue to do it.  When you do nothing, nothing changes.  You need to try something drastic to let her know you mean business and will no longer be there for her.

yes - of course i did. but she ran away anyway. i told her to either grow a pair and sit down to settle the issues one and for all, or pack up and leave. she packed and left, and told everyone i kicked her out of the house. 

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry for your experience.

But for your sake, I'm glad she's finally gone and you're divorced or divorcing. Please go through with the divorce (if you haven't already done so) and cut off all links with her and block her so that you can finally be free to recover and move on.

Your ex-wife sounds a bit like a distant relative of mine who has borderline personality disorder. I have no idea whether your wife has the same condition. But I think her behavior is highly unstable and she struggles to form healthy relationships. Perhaps she grew up in a severely abusive household. So she may have a lot of trauma and fear informing her treatment of you and probably of anyone else she tries to get close to. The point that I'm trying to make is that it's not your fault she behaved the way she did. This is who she is. She would have been the same way with another partner. Perhaps she can get better with help from the right professionals. But if she's not even willing to see someone and potentially get treatment, there's nothing anyone can do to help her.

The challenge with advising someone such as yourself who has very specific beliefs about God is that you may not be receptive to advice that encourages you to view God differently. Instead of viewing yourself as someone helpless who is subject to God's whims and punishments, why not view yourself a someone who has God-given agency. You have the capacity to make good and bad choices about your own life. And sometimes not knowing about something (like mental health) makes it harder to make wiser decisions. God isn't punishing you.

What you can do to help yourself now is get counselling. I'd strongly advice that you get secular counselling because religious counselling may be tied to particular forms of theology which may be harmful. Also take the time to read about conditions like borderline personality disorder because that will help you get a more objective sense of the kinds of challenges that emotionally wounded people and their loved ones endure.

[glows]

On 11/14/2022 at 9:08 PM, wtm78 said:

i still feel torn.. i have no idea what was going on.. All i know i got married, and then the end of the relationship.. if there is a god, and god does not agree on this marriage, why then did he allow the wedding to happen, and then in the bible state that since already wed then let no one take apart what god put together, meaning no divorce, and tells me to hang in there, or so i thought, and then the real divorce happened? I dont understand this, i cant put this into perspective. Is the universe trying to screw with me? 

 

Who told you to hang in there? Was it your pastor or someone representing your God? 

There was a shift when I separated as well and learned no god condones a sh*tty marriage. I’m a divorced Catholic. You kept hanging onto her so try not to blame this on religion or God. I do empathize with you but end the chaos and move forwards. 

You may be grieving the loss of the relationship but don’t let anyone get you down or make you feel like crap in your community or otherwise about your personal decisions.