Help in saving a relationship

[T]

Im almost 20 years old, going into sophmore yr of college. Me and my gf have been a couple for almost a year and a half now. We went from a HS sweetheart couple, to going to the same college, and practically living together during college(in our respective rooms). Anyways things were just going normal and this summer we both have pretty big jobs(im working for the CIA, and shes working for the county) anyways long story short we havent been able to spend a whole lot of time together etc, so anyways, recently she comes up to me and she tells me thats shes expressing interest in wanting to meet and see other people BUT she doesn't want to leave me. Im totally stuck as what to do because i know she doesnt know what she wants. Everyone always says " your young see whats out there " but honestly ive been around the block, and this girl HAS been my life for the last year, i don't want to lose her, and i dont want to have a situation where we break up, she gets with another guy, i do my thing, and then she wants to get back together. That would be one of the toughest decisions of my life considering i love her immensly but i don't know if i can let go of the fact that she saw other people. She constantly does her girl speel of making herself feel less guilty by saying " oh you too good for me " etc etc. But all this really sucks because this next semester i was supposed to be living with her, i didnt get housing etc . She stille says shell let me live with her, but how weird would that be? its like all i want is for her to just snap and say " T im sorry, im commited to you and only you now" . She hasnt done anything wrong yet, but i have a feeling she doesnt just want to meet friends, she wants to go on dates etc. and whether im chill or not i dont think ill just sit there and be mr. happy while the girl i love is at some dinner with another guy.

 

Advice plz

[T]

oh yeah, Just to add some more to that:

 

Weve only made love to eachother, we both have pretty strong families and moral values(although my parents have become seperated recently my dads side of the family is high on morals). This has been both of ours longest relationship and deepest.

 

Im a pretty strong guy, i know i can get women, hell women have come to me while ive been with her, and i didnt let temptation get to me. i know theres 100000 fish in the see, but i feel a connection to this girl like none other. and she does to me also, its like we are best friends, and a couple, We have talked about marraige before and thats the weird part, her family is very overprotective etc, and even though shes 19 etc they still have alot of power over her, and shes wanted me to "free" her from that etc.(by getting engaged) but i knew were werent ready, i just think that it sucks that we cant let our relationship run its course, i mean she still loves me, shes still attracted to me etc. And i guess for now we are still together, but i know she is going to meet other people. Ive never stopped her from meeting friends(guy friends etc) in the past, its just that when there is a date atmosphere to their relationship, that is when ill get weary, and that almost sounds like shes just keeping me as a security blanket until she finds somehting else , which she may not find at all. Its a very tricky situation, i dont want to detach myself cause theres still a chance she may just stay with me. but i dont want to stay in limbo forever either.

Im almost 20 years old, going into sophmore yr of college. Me and my gf have been a couple for almost a year and a half now. We went from a HS sweetheart couple, to going to the same college, and practically living together during college(in our respective rooms). Anyways things were just going normal and this summer we both have pretty big jobs(im working for the CIA, and shes working for the county) anyways long story short we havent been able to spend a whole lot of time together etc, so anyways, recently she comes up to me and she tells me thats shes expressing interest in wanting to meet and see other people BUT she doesn't want to leave me. Im totally stuck as what to do because i know she doesnt know what she wants. Everyone always says " your young see whats out there " but honestly ive been around the block, and this girl HAS been my life for the last year, i don't want to lose her, and i dont want to have a situation where we break up, she gets with another guy, i do my thing, and then she wants to get back together. That would be one of the toughest decisions of my life considering i love her immensly but i don't know if i can let go of the fact that she saw other people. She constantly does her girl speel of making herself feel less guilty by saying " oh you too good for me " etc etc. But all this really sucks because this next semester i was supposed to be living with her, i didnt get housing etc . She stille says shell let me live with her, but how weird would that be? its like all i want is for her to just snap and say " T im sorry, im commited to you and only you now" . She hasnt done anything wrong yet, but i have a feeling she doesnt just want to meet friends, she wants to go on dates etc. and whether im chill or not i dont think ill just sit there and be mr. happy while the girl i love is at some dinner with another guy. Advice plz

[Tony T]

Well, Dude at the CIA (Confused Intelligence Agency), it's like this. You can't imprison another person. She has clearly told you she wants to see other people. Now I know this hurts terribly but there are several reasons why people want to do this. They may not feel complete, fulfilled or totally happy in their existing relationship. They may be curious about what other people are like. They may have met someone they are interested in "exploring."

 

Whatever the reason, you can't stop her. You've got to give her the freedom to be and do what she needs for herself.

 

My own personal policy in cases like this is to have an amicable break-up. If I meet somebody else and move on, I usually don't look back.

 

It sounds to me like she's trying to weasel out of her relationship with you and you ought to make that very easy for her. If you are aloof and seem not to really care so much...if you seem eager to accomodate her whim...this will drive her absolutely NUTS because she wants you to be sad and to sulk over what she's doing.

 

To the extent that you can make what she wants to do easy and OK is the extent to which she'll be puzzled and impressed and want to come back to you. Also, don't remain idle during her absense. See other people and let her know you're going to be!!!

 

I would also announce to her that you have decided it's not a good idea to move in together in the fall, considering her indecisive mindset. Let her know you want her to have time to feel very comfortable with things and tell her SHE should make other living arrangements for herself.

 

Stay cool and calm about this. It's far better for her to express these desires about seeing other people now than after you're living together...or worse, after you're married.

 

I know this hurts but there simply is nothing you can do but be strong and go with the flow. Just remember, the cooler and calmer you are...the less you protest...the more you go along with this...the more she will go out of her ever-lovin' mind.

 

Your relationship may have gotten a bit stale for her because many women her age are looking for challenges...and you have become too much of a sure thing. Maybe you need to reinvent that aspect of yourself, uh?

 

Trust me!!!

[T]

Well I do think that is alot of helpful insight, I know i can't stop her, but its not like shes just saying " i want to break up with you " cause we are very very emotionally attached, not just in a couple sense. It scares me though because i know me like any guy with a temper will get upset when something happens, its like today, i had planned to see her tonight b/c i had the house to myself tonight, she kept saying "well see, well see" then this guy that her family has wanted her to "meet" calls her today and they decide to go out and do something tonight like play pool or something, I guess im not so upset about playing pool as i am the fact that she just shoved my plans aside.

 

Thing is i can't just meet someone else and move on in a total sense because we are still emotionally attached, and for a while atleast i think she will still want to remain sexually active with me. So i dont know what I should do. I'm usually pretty savvy with helping people with relationships myself b/c im a sesitive caring guy thats been around the block.

 

As shes told me, its not exactly that shes looking for someone else, its that she doesnt know who "she" is yet, i dont know how dating guys is going to help that ,but hey, women

 

and with the thing about us living together, she is the one that has the room this semester, i banked on living with her, and i REALLY dont want to live off campus, At first when this whole thing came up i just thought it was a hard summer thing and that once school came and we could see eachother more often things would improve. Half of her feels like shes doing something wrong and half of her wants to try other things.

 

I just dont know whats going to happen when/if she wants to get back with me fully commited after all this. See this isnt exactly the first "thing" shes done, once when we were shaky in our relationship, she went to another college and kissed a guy, the bad part was that she "wanted" to do it to see what it was like, and the good news is that she came back knowing it was me that she wanted. Well i know ppl are thinking "wtf get rid of her already" but we got over that and there was little things i was doing (laziness) that were deteriorating the relationship, then this guy at her work that flirted with her all the time, kissed her, although she didnt totally want it she didnt throw him off of her either. after that she promised me never again, so i dont know where to stand on this whole issue, Me and her have a VERY high value of trust, all of these things i would of never known if she wouldnt have told me straight from herself, infact just in doing that it probably saved our relationship during those times..

 

anyways i just need input

 

thanks tony

[Tony T]

Take a cold shower, T, dry off, relax and read what I'm about to tell you. I'll wait........................

 

Welcome back.

 

This girl is jerking you around big time and you just don't see it. Sure, she may want to use your equipment for sex until she finds it elsewhere but that doesn't mean squat. The truth of the matter is she dusted your butt for tonight in favor of some guy she doesn't even know. Now, listen up. People do what they WANT to do. She DIDN'T want to be with you or she would have put this guy off...she WANTED to see him.

 

I know this is painful and you seriously want to be in denial. We put ourselves in denial TO AVOID FACING PAINFUL REALITIES. This chick is very young and it just doesn't seem to me that she is nearly ready to settle down with you. But you just can lay down, play dead, and let her dance all over you. If you're going to be a wimp, she'll have no respect for you. Any woman who claims to love you and cancels plans with you to see another guy IS JUST PLAIN AND SIMPLE FLAT LYING THROUGH HER AXS!!!

 

What she did today made a major statement. Either you can get that statement, understand it, process it and govern yourself accordingly or you can continue to live in lala land and retire to the Magic Kingdom.

 

I don't like having to write this but I've been jerked around by the very best and this girl's jerking you around in typical fashion.

 

I will admit to you that it's very nice to be used for sex...much better than for money. I'll give you that much. But you are setting yourself up for incredible pain if you go along with this.

 

This crap about not knowing who she is yet is a bunch of bunk. While it may be very true, that's what women say to make themselves feel better about seeing other people. That is what they say as they're inching their way out of a relationship with a guy who doesn't want to make it easy for them to leave right off. But once she is all the way gone, if you make it difficult for her you will NEVER see her again. (Read my first post to you again).

 

This girl is not nearly ready for a committed relationship and it could take her years to get there. You are wasting valuable time sitting around while she does her thing.

 

I know you're looking for somebody to post a real sweet note of encouragement to you, telling you to just sit their patiently while she goes through lots of guys, etc., before she comes back into your arms and you sail lovingly together into the sunset of life's wonderful years. I hope somebody does that for you.

 

But I've been in your shoes and that's not how it works. If you're strong and refuse to take her meanderings and just cut it off with her, you'll have more respect for yourself and she'll have more respect for you. And she'll be a lot more likely to be back. Right now, she's LOOKING, yes...I SAID LOOKING...for a MAN...a man who won't take her crap. And I promise, if you're not that man she'll find one for sure.

 

At this very moment, she's probably talking on the telephone to one of her girlfriends laughing about how she cancelled a date with you to go out with another guy and how you so nicely consented to that. She's also probably asking her friend just how much more she can dump on you before you get the message.

 

I'm not cutting you down. I just know the drill because of so much personal experience. And when I think back on it, I wish so much there had been an Internet and forums like this where caring people could have talked sense into my head. Absent that, I made an absolute first class fool of myself.

 

Don't sit around and take this on the chin and have her see you as a fool. Stand up to this and get out of her life until she's ready to treat you kindly and give you the priority that your relationship with her calls for.

 

Don't let yourself get dumped on and made a fool of.