Great in person, bad at texting :/

[sushiandtacos]

Hey guys

Hope you guys have been doing well! 

Back for another guy question haha. I've been seeing this guy for over a month now, about 6 weeks. He's consistently been asking me to go on dates the first 3-4 times and I initiated the last one or two with mutual hangouts in between. I think total we've seen each other about 9-10 times with sleepovers and late nights. We've been seeing each other twice a week the last few weeks too and introduced each other to some of our friends. Things have been going great so far and it's honestly been so refreshing, seems like it's headed towards the relationship territory. I feel so good after we see each other and my feelings have been growing more. 

The only thing is... he is SO BAD at texting in between seeing each other. He's always been bad since the beginning even prior to meeting. He was going on weekend trips in between our first few dates, so he would not text during those weekends but would reach out to set another date to see me before he leaves or when he comes back. That makes sense because we were just getting to know each other and frequent texting in the beginning can get old. But as we spent more time together in person, I just thought it was natural for the communication to increase as well when we're not together. Well, it hasn't. He never/rarely asks me questions, and seems like he's taking more time now to respond. He's going on another trip this weekend, last we saw each other was Saturday. Because he's so bad at texting, I just wished him a good trip so that I'm not bothering him.

Friends have told me to focus on our connection when we see each other and not worry about texting so much. But with something so new, it's nice to be reassured he's thinking of me when we're not together but I'm not getting that since he's so bad at texting. 

Thoughts?

Thanks guys ❤️ 

Edited November 17, 2022 by sushiandtacos

[NuevoYorko]

You can quickly burn out a budding relationship by avid texting.  

[sushiandtacos]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You can quickly burn out a budding relationship by avid texting.  

How so? Isn't it a natural progression to communicate more in between seeing each other, especially after spending more time together? 

I get in the very beginning like first several dates, but even over a month in?

[Mike B.]

Communication is important in a relationship including time when you’re not together. Pacing is also important. The second month of dating shouldn’t still feel like the second week. There must be progression if this is to go anywhere, obviously. 

it seems he may be trying to control how fast things progress with limited communication in between your dates. 
 

You’re not committed yet so can’t you see others when you are not seeing him? It may help you personally and things with him… just something to consider. 
 

[sushiandtacos]

3 minutes ago, Mike B. said:

Communication is important in a relationship including time when you’re not together. Pacing is also important. The second month of dating shouldn’t still feel like the second week. There must be progression if this is to go anywhere, obviously. 

it seems he may be trying to control how fast things progress with limited communication in between your dates. 
 

You’re not committed yet so can’t you see others when you are not seeing him? It may help you personally and things with him… just something to consider. 
 

Yes I agree! I feel like there should be progression also in terms of communication when we're not seeing each other, especially being this far in. 

I actually thought about seeing other guys. Another guy asked to get drinks and I might take him up on his offer. I usually focus on one guy at a time and since I like this guy, it's hard for me to go out with other guys, but it might be a good idea. 

[Mike B.]

27 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said:

 

I actually thought about seeing other guys. Another guy asked to get drinks and I might take him up on his offer. I usually focus on one guy at a time and since I like this guy, it's hard for me to go out with other guys, but it might be a good idea. 

It is a great idea, especially in this case. I like focusing on one person at a time too but sometimes we just need to be flexible for our own good. You can focus on him solely once he fixes his communication consistently…consistently.  I wouldn’t jump off the multifocal train after just a couple of weekday texts from him. 

We have to be aware of the level of security we are offering to those we are dating. He doesn’t owe you a big amount at this point since you are not exclusive yet but if he wants to get to that point, he has to be aware of the level of security he is offering. A huge communication deficit doesn’t offer much security. He  probably realizes this and trying to control the pace of things for whatever reason.

I personally find the level of pacing he is creating boring. How is a woman supposed to feel like she is being swept off her feet like this? But maybe he wants this pacing. Nothing really horribly wrong with that. It just sounds like something you don’t want. 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Mike B.

[Versacehottie]

31 minutes ago, Mike B. said:

it seems he may be trying to control how fast things progress with limited communication in between your dates. 
 

You’re not committed yet so can’t you see others when you are not seeing him? It may help you personally and things with him… just something to consider. 
 

I 100% agree🙌that this is what he seems to be doing. I'd take note, sushi, of the fact that a guy answered it this way😊

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he's bad at texting. 

He's just not that inclined to ramp up communication with you. I would keep my options open, personally. 

[Alpacalia]

How much time does it take for him to reply back? Are we talking a couple hours or a couple of days?

How often are you texting him?

If he’s bad at texting, he might take some time to reach out, but he eventually will.

If he is more tuned to you, he won't let you always be the one to text first or schedule dates first.

Consider that he might still be dating others. That may explain his weekend absences.

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

If people are officially in an exclusive relationship, I think a phone call or a single text per day is reasonable.  People are not meant to be in constant contact all day long.   It's not sustainable, ends up getting awkward, and then things will fizzle out.

[Alpacalia]

I agree @NuevoYorko.

The idea of every day even doesn't seem necessary to me. 

Although I think the frequency of texts during the early stages of dating matters less than how they make you feel - appreciated and satisfied or underappreciated and confused.

Of course, you need to be talking with some sort of regularity in order to drive the relationship forward. A connection is hard without it. But just saying "good morning" isn't enough. Among the good texts, he asks how your day is going, remembers earlier conversations, sends cute videos and photos of himself. He's engaged in a way that lets you know he's thinking about you even when apart. Bad texters... Not so much. Only sporadic texts, and it's usually short sentences. It's not malicious, but it doesn't make people closer. The other person can be confused by it.

There is no doubt that what matters most is how he treats you in person, sushi, texting is still a form of communication.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

That makes sense because we were just getting to know each other and frequent texting in the beginning can get old. But as we spent more time together in person, I just thought it was natural for the communication to increase as well when we're not together. Well, it hasn't. He never/rarely asks me questions, and seems like he's taking more time now to respond. He's going on another trip this weekend, last we saw each other was Saturday. Because he's so bad at texting, I just wished him a good trip so that I'm not bothering him.

Friends have told me to focus on our connection when we see each other and not worry about texting so much. But with something so new, it's nice to be reassured he's thinking of me when we're not together but I'm not getting that since he's so bad at texting. 

I'm with your friends.  Perhaps I'm just old fashioned, but I expect communication to improve when you're face to face.  And I'd expect to spend more real time together, including peak date nights.   But I really don't see how one can have a good and in depth conversation via text.   Of course, if you're not otherwise seeing each other, you may want to check in once a day - that's nice.

 

[glows]

Does he not ask you any questions or seem interested in person? That you’re relying on the texts suggests to me the quality of your time in person is not too great. Are these casual dates or mostly home dates? 

I would think you’d both have more to talk about and moved on to phone calls by now, not just texts. He may not be that interested - that’s just my take.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

 Friends have told me to focus on our connection when we see each other and not worry about texting so much. 

Listen to your friends. They're trying to help you enjoy this budding relationship and not get upset over texting. He's not a texter so there's no "natural progression". 

[JTSW]

Your friends are right.

If it's going really well then don't rock the boat.

Some people are just not big on texting and would rather talk.

He's trying at least so just be happy with what you have.

[introverted1]

9 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

Friends have told me to focus on our connection when we see each other and not worry about texting so much.

Smart friends.  Enjoy your budding relationship.

[poppyfields]

Oh dear, you've received a mixed bag of opinions here, haven't you? 

You already know what mine is - place the focus on your in-person dates and the mutual connection you've developed and continuing to develop - in-person.. 

10 dates in six weeks is a pretty significant amount imo and those dates have been "quality" dates where you're communicating, opening up with each, sharing and getting to know.

TBH I cannot relate to this need to text in between all that, you risk burn out and not allowing the space necessary to think about, wonder about, and miss each other!

Which I personally love but I'm not anxious attachment, NOT when I'm with the right man and we fit. 

But you're not me and if that's what YOU need to be truly happy in this budding new relationship, then that's OK.

Perhaps what this boils down to is you're simply not compatible sushi.  Specifically with regard to your communication styles which is super important. 

Dating shouid be fun!  It should be joyous, not bring all this anxiety and uncertainty you're experiencing.  That's a sign something is off.

To me, he sounds VERY into you, but he has a busy life outside of you as well he should and so should you.

You've admitted the reason you want him to text more is for reassurance, well imo that's a rather crappy reason for needing more texting.

I would take the time to explore why it is you need more reassurance, why you're in-person dates aren't enough for you.  And why you feel so insecure. 

Your anxiety and insecurity is a "you" problem, not a "him" problem.  JMO on that. 

If you ask him to text more, he might but would only be doing so out of obligation, which is never good. 

He is who he is sushi, he's not going to change so you either lower expectations and adjust to his style or end the relationship.

Find a guy who can provide the reassurance you need in between dates. 

Bottom line, be happy!  Enjoy!  If you're not, seek something else. 

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

 

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Mike B.]

I think it's important to clarify something. Is he not communicating at all in between dates? Does he only contact you to set up dates and then disappear in between?

 In other words, if we leave the word "texting" out of the conversation and replace it with "calling" or "communicating" does your complaint still hold up, Sushiandtacos? 

[sushiandtacos]

Thanks so much for the responses! 

I'm replying as I go during the work day right now so be patient with me please

12 hours ago, Mike B. said:

It is a great idea, especially in this case. I like focusing on one person at a time too but sometimes we just need to be flexible for our own good. You can focus on him solely once he fixes his communication consistently…consistently.  I wouldn’t jump off the multifocal train after just a couple of weekday texts from him. 

We have to be aware of the level of security we are offering to those we are dating. He doesn’t owe you a big amount at this point since you are not exclusive yet but if he wants to get to that point, he has to be aware of the level of security he is offering. A huge communication deficit doesn’t offer much security. He  probably realizes this and trying to control the pace of things for whatever reason.

I personally find the level of pacing he is creating boring. How is a woman supposed to feel like she is being swept off her feet like this? But maybe he wants this pacing. Nothing really horribly wrong with that. It just sounds like something you don’t want. 

Yes, I'm at a crossroads whether or not I should see other people and keep my options open. We haven't agreed on exclusivity or had that conversation yet, so technically he doesn't owe me the texting and the security you talked about true, but it would be a nice to keep an open line of communication during the days we don't see each other at this point in dating. He's never been a good texter from the start tho. Exactly, talking in between can create a more emotional bond and feel connected when we're not face to face. 

12 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I 100% agree🙌that this is what he seems to be doing. I'd take note, sushi, of the fact that a guy answered it this way😊

He is setting the pace for sure, I've been laying back on the texting and ended the last conversation by wishing him a good trip so he doesn't feel obligated to continue lol.

[sushiandtacos]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think he's bad at texting. 

He's just not that inclined to ramp up communication with you. I would keep my options open, personally. 

Yes, seems like he doesn't want to increase the communication for some reason. Maybe he's losing interest since the last time we saw each other which was Saturday? 

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

How much time does it take for him to reply back? Are we talking a couple hours or a couple of days?

How often are you texting him?

If he’s bad at texting, he might take some time to reach out, but he eventually will.

If he is more tuned to you, he won't let you always be the one to text first or schedule dates first.

Consider that he might still be dating others. That may explain his weekend absences.

 

We've both had a fair share of initiating texting, I'll admit I'm not the most prompt at texting but he takes a few hours while I also take 1-2 hours. I got frustrated however and been slowing down my texts as well and have been waiting a day a few times in between to respond. Especially since he doesn't ask follow-up questions over text and just tells me about himself, so doesn't warrant a response on my end anyways. He's been pretty good and initiating dates and hanging out, just sucks at the texting tbh. The only times he's good texting is when we're making and confirming plans and meeting up.

[poppyfields]

12 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

Yes I agree! I feel like there should be progression also in terms of communication when we're not seeing each other, especially being this far in. 

I actually thought about seeing other guys. Another guy asked to get drinks and I might take him up on his offer. I usually focus on one guy at a time and since I like this guy, it's hard for me to go out with other guys, but it might be a good idea. 

^^Would just like to add when you're at the point of not being happy with the way things are progressing and thinking about dating (using) other men to distract from your unhappiness, it's pretty much over, imo. 

Again I encourage you to explore why you require reassurance that he's thinking of you in between what appear to be your awesome quality dates. 

After spending a close intimate weekend together, focus on THAT and all your other great times together and ask yourself "how often do people connect like this?  How could he NOT be thinking of me"?

I dunno maybe I'm over-confident or c*cky, but that was always my focus, when with the right man.

And I allowed it to play out gradually and develop at its own pace.

But again, you're not me, your needs are different which is OK. 

But dating/using other men as a distraction? 

I never believed in doing that. It's not fair to the other guy, the man you're dating or yourself. 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[sushiandtacos]

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

If people are officially in an exclusive relationship, I think a phone call or a single text per day is reasonable.  People are not meant to be in constant contact all day long.   It's not sustainable, ends up getting awkward, and then things will fizzle out.

Maybe this is true, not sure why I crave some sort of communication when we're not seeing each other, especially when we haven't planned the next time we'll get together. 

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I agree @NuevoYorko.

The idea of every day even doesn't seem necessary to me. 

Although I think the frequency of texts during the early stages of dating matters less than how they make you feel - appreciated and satisfied or underappreciated and confused.

Of course, you need to be talking with some sort of regularity in order to drive the relationship forward. A connection is hard without it. But just saying "good morning" isn't enough. Among the good texts, he asks how your day is going, remembers earlier conversations, sends cute videos and photos of himself. He's engaged in a way that lets you know he's thinking about you even when apart. Bad texters... Not so much. Only sporadic texts, and it's usually short sentences. It's not malicious, but it doesn't make people closer. The other person can be confused by it.

There is no doubt that what matters most is how he treats you in person, sushi, texting is still a form of communication.

Yes exactly, I feel like a progression in communication also drives the relationship forward. We're not getting that. He doesn't ask me how my day was, I think he's only asked maybe a handful of times but mostly talks about his day when I ask him. Funny thing is tho when I try to tie down the convo because of his lack of questions, he still sends me texts about himself🤦‍♀️

[sushiandtacos]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm with your friends.  Perhaps I'm just old fashioned, but I expect communication to improve when you're face to face.  And I'd expect to spend more real time together, including peak date nights.   But I really don't see how one can have a good and in depth conversation via text.   Of course, if you're not otherwise seeing each other, you may want to check in once a day - that's nice.

 

Maybe I'm just different in wanting to hear from him or know that he's thinking of me. He's so great in person, but seems to not care or acts quite chill over text. 

9 hours ago, glows said:

Does he not ask you any questions or seem interested in person? That you’re relying on the texts suggests to me the quality of your time in person is not too great. Are these casual dates or mostly home dates? 

I would think you’d both have more to talk about and moved on to phone calls by now, not just texts. He may not be that interested - that’s just my take.

He definitely asks me a lot of questions and we bounce off of each other in person. We go out and do things and we also chill at one of our places.

I'm not a talk on the phone person lol but that just might be how used to I am with texting. I don't think he's a call person either lol

[Els]

So... you've both seen each other 9-10 times over 6 weeks, he barely texts, and he doesn't call. Is that correct?

If that is indeed accurate... well, I dunno. It's true that some people just aren't texters. But if someone's not a texter, not a caller, AND only sees you about 1.5 times a week... to me, that says something about where you are on their priority list. And if you want a LTR with this person, then IMO it doesn't bode well. Of course, this is just my impression from what I've read, and I could be wrong.

 

[sushiandtacos]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Listen to your friends. They're trying to help you enjoy this budding relationship and not get upset over texting. He's not a texter so there's no "natural progression". 

He's sometimes not a bad texter but only texts when we're making plans and comments about those plans. But most times he's either so late at responding or no effort in asking questions or keeping up with the convos

6 hours ago, JTSW said:

Your friends are right.

If it's going really well then don't rock the boat.

Some people are just not big on texting and would rather talk.

He's trying at least so just be happy with what you have.

Is he really trying tho? lol IDK. 

Getting mixed opinions on seeing others or not is making me more confused if I should keep my options open and go on dates now😆