No support from husband on mean girl neighbors

[Mx12345]

This situation actually has two issues, but the issue I care most about resolving is the one with my husband. 

 

A year and a half ago we built a home in a brand new neighborhood out in the suburbs. The homes on our street and the street in front of us were all completed within 6 month of us moving in and we slowly started meeting all of our new neighbors. The neighborhood and suburb itself is very affluent. Many couples are 30-45 with toddlers and elementary school age kids. My husband and I do not want kids. The neighborhood is also filled with stay at home moms, whose husbands work. While both my husband and I make six figures each, I out earn him by almost 100k. But I have a demanding, stressful job, and work 50-60 hours per week. 

 

What started for me as hopeful new friendships with women my own age, has turned into a nightmare. Adult mean girls are the absolute worst. I have numerous stories of back handed comments about not wanting kids, how sorry they are for me that I have to work, I don’t have time to meet for mid day book club because I have to work, I can’t meet at 3pm at country club, I have the group text on silent because it’s literally hundreds of texts per day and it’s just them making fun of other neighbors (so and sos new BMW is the base model, poor thing.) not only do I not have time for any of it (oh and these ladies also have Nannies) but it’s all very high school to me. I’m tired of the snarky comments. I’m usually a pretty confident and happy person, but if I’m being honest, the being left out half the time, and then the petty comments the other half of the time is starting to make me feel *this* small. 

 

So what does this have to do with my husband? I’m not being invited to the wives only stuff anymore, but as a couple, we are invited to neighbor houses and community events. Because I’m starting to really be affected by these ladies, I don’t want to go to the Halloween party, or the Sunday football get together, or the Friendsgiving. And my husband does. Two months ago we rsvp’d to an event and when the day got here two weeks ago I finally broke down and cried to my husband that I didn’t want to go. He didn’t get it at all. “Maybe you just took it wrong” when I told him about the comments. I told him “In our five years together have I ever been the type to be bothered by other people or other women? No I usually get along with anyone I meet. I’m telling you this is different.” He “can’t believe I get comments about not wanting kids” because the husbands never say anything like that. Yeah because men don’t talk about that stuff! He’s just so clueless! He’s not on the group chat, it’s only the wives. He’s not at book club where my book suggestion for next month was laughed at as boring because it wasn’t a romance novel. Tonight was our THIRD fight in two months about these damn neighborhood events. The husbands aren’t like that so he thinks I’m just “not giving it a chance” and “don’t let my thoughts get the best of me, they probably didn’t mean it that way.” I’m so hurt that he’s not taking this seriously. He wants to meet new friends and the husbands are nice guys. I feel like we are talking in circles and it’s so frustrating because we are usually on the same page about everything. We have tons of friends already why does he need to keep on with these people? 

[NuevoYorko]

They sound wretched, but it's really up to you how much you let people like this get under your skin.  What are your relationships with your real friends like?   Just because you live in a suburban neighborhood doesn't mean your social life has to be centered there.

[Mx12345]

I think you hit the nail on the head. Since moving, all of our friends live 45min away. So we aren’t seeing them as often. And my husband likes that these are neighborhood events that are down the street. But I’m literally dreading the next one. I have amazing friends from all different walks of life, some with kids, some without, some who work, some who don’t, all ages, etc. 

[NuevoYorko]

I think you'll need to bite the bullet for some things your husband would like to partake of. but stuff that is just you and these fine ladies?  Forget it.   Their book club sounds like hell on earth.  And get off the group chats.  

[glows]

I second the comments about distancing yourself or mute the chat. You don’t have to see any of it coming in. Their conversations sound asinine. If someone asks you why you’re so quiet in the group chat when you see them at a gathering just smile and say, “I’m here now, aren’t I? Not so quiet tonight.” Move along and mingle with different people, leave when it’s time to go. 

You’ll have to figure out your own boundaries and find a midway point that works best for you. Disengage and start engaging in other things the town has to offer. 

As for your husband I am sorry he is so blithe and rude. He is entitled to finding new friends so don’t stop him. Find ways to carve yourself your own niche and do things your way. Who knows. The gals may be curious and want to support what you’re passionate about too. The trick is going all in being/doing you. Everything else can fall around that.

Edited November 17, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Mx12345 said:

. He’s not on the group chat, it’s only the wives. He’s not at book club where my book suggestion for next month was laughed at 

Sorry this is happening. There's no need to be in a group chat or book clubs or even be friends with any of these neighbors.

You already have your own friends. If you or your husband want to attend the occasional neighborhood party, that's fine. These are more or less just acquaintances that you have to be cordial with.

If your husband wants to hang out with the guys that's ok. You don't have to do everything in lockstep and you certainly don't have to be in group chats or clubs with these neighbors.

[BrinnM]

That sounds awful. I can relate, though, as I’m also the only one in my suburb neighborhood sans children, and I’m also single. (😱 the audacity!! 🤣)

I’m also one of the very few females in the neighborhood who has a career. Therefore, I’ve never been included-included, because I’m just “different”, different lifestyle and all, but I also don’t want to socialize with these neighbors anyway, because we literally have nothing in common. Over the years, I’ve declined more “graduation parties” and friendsgivings that I can count, and slowly but surely I don’t get invites anymore (because I usually have “other commitments”).
 

I do understand your hubby though. The guys seem nice, and he wants to have some friends in the new neighborhood. Let him socialize. You don’t have to be there; nothing wrong with that. These women sound awful (kind of like my neighbors, but mine are a little older, which seems to mellow them down a little bit in the meanness department). 
Trust me - I totally feel for you! But: Your husband can probably not understand this, and thinks you’re overreacting because he can’t relate at all. Very few men are as gossipy as (certain types of) women, plus he gets along fine with them, so he doesn’t understand you. It’s not malicious. He just wants you to be “fine”. 

I think you need to explain to him that you’re not exaggerating, and that you simply don’t like most of these women, and why. Give him some concrete examples. And at the same time, let him do his thing. Getting along with neighbors can be important, esp in emergencies and such. Go to a few events, not all, and rid yourself of the dreaded bookclub. You’re just a busy career woman, and that’s your perfect excuse right there. 
Don't be upset about them pitying you because you “have to work” (🙄🙄). Let them know every so often that you chose this for a reason, and that you love what you do. And trust me - there will be times when they secretly wish they could swap lives with you. I know more moms than I can count (and I have more godchildren than I want to have haha), and i do NOT envy them 90% of the time - you do not want their lives. 

[stillafool]

This is why it's a bad idea to get too chummy with your neighbors too soon.  You should either just let your husband go by himself or go and take a friend with you to hang with and ignore them.  Start inviting your friends over for get togethers.  A 45 minute drive is really nothing to have a day of fun.  They will see you have your own friends and activities and will see their excluding you means nothing.  Always be too busy for them.  They are not your friends.

[mark clemson]

It's funny how people who don't really have that much to crow about can often be the most judgemental of others.

You could consider "threading the needle" to find the subset of these folks that you DO get along with. I suspect there will be some other ladies who are on the fringes/outs of the main social group, like you. Connect with them and "team up" together to make going to social events funner/more tolerable.

Once you have a nucleus of your own friends, you'll probably get more respect, as bullies tend to like to pick on the isolated.

Edited November 17, 2022 by mark clemson

[Els]

It sounds like you and those women have nothing whatsoever in common. I don't know if I'd necessarily classify them as "mean" - as a childfree woman who enjoys working, myself, I also get comments like these sometimes. I genuinely think that those people aren't trying to be "mean", per se - they just can't imagine a life that's different from their own. I wouldn't chum up with those people, but I also don't regard them with animosity. They're annoying, but there's nothing to be gained from letting them get under your skin.

What I don't understand is, in this day and age, why do you expect your social circle to revolve around your neighbourhood? It might have made sense 100 years ago when people didn't have cars, but nowadays you aren't restricted to your neighbourhood. You can make friends with anyone in your city, and just drive 15 minutes to meet up. Or you can meet your old friends... although 45 minutes is admittedly a bit longer than I'd be willing to drive to meet friends on a regular basis, personally.

In your place, I would let him go to the events by himself, and just occupy myself during that time. If you can't meet with friends, then just go out by yourself, go to the city and have dinner at a restaurant that your husband doesn't like, perhaps? Or join a wine tasting group, or an art class, or something. In fact, where I live, there's a trend of having art classes AND wine at the same time - women show up, socialize with each other, sip wine, and paint. These kind of events are also likely to attract other women whom you DO have things in common with - fellow childfree, working professionals. The good thing about having a high income is that the world is very much your oyster.

[Mx12345]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

It sounds like you and those women have nothing whatsoever in common. I don't know if I'd necessarily classify them as "mean" - as a childfree woman who enjoys working, myself, I also get comments like these sometimes. I genuinely think that those people aren't trying to be "mean", per se - they just can't imagine a life that's different from their own. I wouldn't chum up with those people, but I also don't regard them with animosity. They're annoying, but there's nothing to be gained from letting them get under your skin.

You sound like my husband ☹️ Down playing that they aren’t “mean” just from a different world and that’s ok. Trust me, I’ve tried for almost a year to see a different side to this. They are mean and gossipy and clique-ish. They meanly make fun of other women in the neighborhood not in the group chat. There was one instance a few months ago at an event that I KNOW they were saying something about me and laughing, I heard my name and one mentioned something I was wearing, but I didn’t catch the full conversation obviously. My husband told me to not jump to negative conclusions, that didn’t 100% know if they were making fun of my outfit. And he was right. But it’s a VIBE. And it’s little things. Little comments here and there that to the normal ear sound ok but to me are like “did she just back handedly insult me for not wanting children?” 
 

I agree, I can start going and doing my own thing sometimes. The part that hurts is that my husband, my partner, my rock, my confidant, is downplaying the way I’m being treated to the point that he sees no issues with me still going and facing these ladies, and I should just suck it up and not let them get to me. But it’s not that easy. And this is coming from a normally confident woman. 

[Mx12345]

3 hours ago, BrinnM said:

I’m also one of the very few females in the neighborhood who has a career. Therefore, I’ve never been included-included, because I’m just “different”, different lifestyle and all, but I also don’t want to socialize with these neighbors anyway, because we literally have nothing in common. Over the years, I’ve declined more “graduation parties” and friendsgivings that I can count, and slowly but surely I don’t get invites anymore (because I usually have “other commitments”).
 

I do understand your hubby though. The guys seem nice, and he wants to have some friends in the new neighborhood. Let him socialize. You don’t have to be there; nothing wrong with that. These women sound awful (kind of like my neighbors, but mine are a little older, which seems to mellow them down a little bit in the meanness department). 
Trust me - I totally feel for you! But: Your husband can probably not understand this, and thinks you’re overreacting because he can’t relate at all. Very few men are as gossipy as (certain types of) women, plus he gets along fine with them, so he doesn’t understand you. It’s not malicious. He just wants you to be “fine”. 

Thank you for your comment. At the beginning I really thought I had started to make some new friends and was optimistic. Slowly I started declining invites, both because I was busy working during the day, but also because it was a slow onset of a comment here and there. Me thinking more and more “well that wasn’t a very nice thing to say” and I’m not even a super sensitive person. And trying more and more to “brush it off” and TRY to have a good time. And now I’m to the point where I’m like Why? I have a fulfilling life is so many ways, why should I put myself into situations where I leave feeling like crap. 
 

My husband isn’t understanding any of this though and that’s honestly surprising because we don’t fight or argue about much. It’s not happening to HIM so he thinks just putting on a smile and still going should be fine for me. 
 

it’s definitely a new situation for us as a couple. And we’ve been together five years. 

[BrinnM]

1 minute ago, Mx12345 said:

It’s not happening to HIM so he thinks just putting on a smile and still going should be fine for me

Yeah, that sucks that he won’t acknowledge your pain. But if he did, that would mean that he can’t “hang with the guys”, if you think about it. These guys are married to women who basically low-key ridicule and exclude you (and others),  and accepting this as the truth would mean that as a loyal husband he can’t be around these families anymore. And that’s obviously not what he wants, as he wants to make new friends. He’s probably hoping that by ignoring everything you say it’ll go away all by itself in the long run. How are the women treating your husband? 

[stillafool]

51 minutes ago, Mx12345 said:

They meanly make fun of other women in the neighborhood not in the group chat.

My goodness these are not women I would want to be friends with anyway.  It should be easy to stay away from them and not engage in their gossip.  How boring.

[ShyViolet]

Oh my goodness, it's time to CUT these women out of your life for good.... get out of the group chat, don't go to any social events with them if they can't act like respectful, mature adults.  This only goes on for as long as you allow it.  You don't have to justify yourself for cutting disrespectful, toxic people out of your life.  Just because these people are your neighbors does not mean you are somehow obligated to be friends with them and be part of social events with them.  If your husband wants to go to events with them or be friends with them, then tell him he can go alone.  Stand up for yourself and don't apologize.

I usually get annoyed when people overuse the word "gaslighting" these days, but honestly your husband's behavior towards you sounds like gaslighting.  And he should be called out on it.

[Els]

1 hour ago, Mx12345 said:

You sound like my husband ☹️ Down playing that they aren’t “mean” just from a different world and that’s ok. Trust me, I’ve tried for almost a year to see a different side to this.

I think you misunderstand what I'm saying. I'm definitely not saying you should try and carry on conversing with them and trying to see the "upside" to their behaviour! All I'm saying is, is this really the hill that you want your marriage to die on? These people are just close-minded women whom you really don't need in your life. Why give them so much power over you?

Quote

The part that hurts is that my husband, my partner, my rock, my confidant, is downplaying the way I’m being treated to the point that he sees no issues with me still going and facing these ladies, and I should just suck it up and not let them get to me.

Well, I disagree with him here. I think you should tell him that he's welcome to go, but you won't. If he agrees and accepts your boundaries, then if I were you I would let the matter slide. If he tries to push you to go anyway, disregarding your feelings and boundaries, then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

Edited November 17, 2022 by Elswyth

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Mx12345 said:

They meanly make fun of other women in the neighborhood not in the group chat.

You don't have to socialize with them on your own if you feel they are catty. If you and your husband attend an occasional neighbor's part you can deal with that.

Your husband probably doesn't try to be close to these people or join clubs or chats so it doesn't affect him as much. Distance yourself. 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

On 11/17/2022 at 9:50 AM, Mx12345 said:

You sound like my husband ☹️ Down playing that they aren’t “mean” just from a different world and that’s ok. Trust me, I’ve tried for almost a year to see a different side to this. They are mean and gossipy and clique-ish. They meanly make fun of other women in the neighborhood not in the group chat. There was one instance a few months ago at an event that I KNOW they were saying something about me and laughing, I heard my name and one mentioned something I was wearing, but I didn’t catch the full conversation obviously. My husband told me to not jump to negative conclusions, that didn’t 100% know if they were making fun of my outfit. And he was right. But it’s a VIBE. And it’s little things. Little comments here and there that to the normal ear sound ok but to me are like “did she just back handedly insult me for not wanting children?” 
 

I agree, I can start going and doing my own thing sometimes. The part that hurts is that my husband, my partner, my rock, my confidant, is downplaying the way I’m being treated to the point that he sees no issues with me still going and facing these ladies, and I should just suck it up and not let them get to me. But it’s not that easy. And this is coming from a normally confident woman. 

I have to say that I empathize with your husband on this.  I know my partner and stuff like this would just roll off her back;  I can't really envision a situation where she would need my support and comfort because of some gossipy, boring housewives' opinions.

It actually has happened; we used to live in a place where the women would be quite "done up" for the most mundane chores.  My (now ex) would go shopping with her hair wet and evidently that was just beyond unacceptable to some of the ladies.  Comments were made.  We laughed.  And in truth, my ex looked very hot with her damp curls drying in the sunny breeze, while the wannabe fashionistas looked like they were permanently stuck in the '80's with the crunchy hair gel thing going on.

It could be different if their comments hit a raw nerve of some kind; for example if you have insecurities about how you look or are not happy with your childfree state.

This doesn't mean that the women's behavior is okay.  But it really is absolutely up to you how much it gets to you and affects your self esteem.  

Maybe there's a bigger problem:  Are you unhappy living there?  Suburban life can be soul crushing.   

 

[Mx12345]

4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

It could be different if their comments hit a raw nerve of some kind; for example if you have insecurities about how you look or are not happy with your childfree state.

 

The more I think about this, the more I think this is a man/woman issue. My husband doesn’t want kids. Can’t stand them actually, and not a single husband or anyone in our lives really has EVER made him feel life he was less of a man because he doesn’t want kids. 
 

But these ladies have made back handed comments towards me about my choice to not have children. That I’m somehow less of a woman because I haven’t conceived. 
 

even though I’m very happy in my decision to be child free, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt my feelings that I’m being made to feel like I’m less than. Or that I must not have as good of a relationship with my husband as them. 
 

I agree, it’s up to me to not let these things get under my skin, but when I go with my husband to a party, HES not getting the shitty comments, I am. So my solution is to remove myself from that situation. It’s easy from him to sit on the sidelines because he’s not in the game getting tackled. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Mx12345 said:

 I go with my husband to a party, HES not getting the shitty comments, I am. So my solution is to remove myself from that situation. 

These parties sound awful. Like the women huddle up and gossip about recipes and PTA meetings and the men stand around talking about cars and lawn care.

You don't have to be defensive or hurt. Just realize this is who they are and you're not going to change that.

You're not wrong for not having kids and they're not wrong for having kids. 

You're just basically incompatible as friends. But then again they're acquaintances and neighbors not friends so all you need to do is be polite and get off those chat groups and clubs. 

Try to reflect why this has become a battle between you and your husband. That has nothing to do with catty neighbors.

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, Mx12345 said:

So my solution is to remove myself from that situation.

This is exactly what you should do.  I'm married and childfree too.  Women have made snarky remarks about it but I say "aw you're jealous" while laughing and walking away.  Then I don't engage with that person again.   If your husband gets along with the guys then let him go be with them.  Plan something else for yourself to do on those days.

[glows]

14 hours ago, Mx12345 said:

 

But these ladies have made back handed comments towards me about my choice to not have children. That I’m somehow less of a woman because I haven’t conceived. 
 

even though I’m very happy in my decision to be child free, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt my feelings that I’m being made to feel like I’m less than. Or that I must not have as good of a relationship with my husband as them. 
 

I agree, it’s up to me to not let these things get under my skin, but when I go with my husband to a party, HES not getting the shitty comments, I am. So my solution is to remove myself from that situation. It’s easy from him to sit on the sidelines because he’s not in the game getting tackled. 

Do you mind me asking what you have said in response to these comments in person? Stop paying so much attention to the group chats - mute the whole chat if it’s so vapid. 

Usually what stops comments like these are dealing with them from the start. Acknowledge what they’re saying if you see them in person and disagree politely. Talk about your life, what you’re willing to share and keep it light, nothing in depth. I guarantee you people like this are not expecting you to speak up because they live in their own heads most of the time with little to no variation in their day to day lives.  

I think this is hitting a nerve for you or it would bounce off with no effect. There was a sideways insinuation there about your marriage with your husband so while you’re confident in other areas you’re still frustrated with your husband albeit about this. Don’t let this be a man/woman issue. It’s further driving a wedge in your marriage and giving them more power over your life.

[ShyViolet]

17 hours ago, Mx12345 said:

But these ladies have made back handed comments towards me about my choice to not have children. That I’m somehow less of a woman because I haven’t conceived. 
 

even though I’m very happy in my decision to be child free, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt my feelings that I’m being made to feel like I’m less than. Or that I must not have as good of a relationship with my husband as them. 

I'm also child-free by choice and not a day goes by that I'm not happy with that decision.  I'm very confident in my decision and comments like this would not hurt my feelings the slightest.  I would have a lot to say to someone who made these comments to me and I'd have them walking away from our conversation rethinking whether they should say these things to someone again.

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm also child-free by choice and not a day goes by that I'm not happy with that decision.  I'm very confident in my decision

Same. Oddly enough, I never get negative comments about it; it’s more like “oh I wish I had thought twice about having children.” -  Which of course are just little remarks here and there that usually come from brief moments of frustration that every mom probably goes through. I never, and I mean never, have gotten any negative remarks about me NOT being a mom. And if I did, I would not be phased, bc I’m firm and I’ve always been firm in my decision. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Els]

19 hours ago, Mx12345 said:

The more I think about this, the more I think this is a man/woman issue. My husband doesn’t want kids. Can’t stand them actually, and not a single husband or anyone in our lives really has EVER made him feel life he was less of a man because he doesn’t want kids. 

Yes, this is true. Childfree men absolutely get WAY less flak over their decision than women do - in fact, there are some people (not all, but a significant number) who assume that men only have children because their wives want to, therefore apparently being childfree is the "default" state for a man.

As a childfree woman, I understand all of that.

What I don't understand is, what exactly are you expecting your husband to do? Start a fight with those women? Not see his friends because their wives are catty?