my autism boyfriend broke up with me after promises. why? what happened?

[efi]

My boyfriend of 2 years (who says he thinks he has autism, though he never tested for it) lost his father last year and 6 months ago he asked for time for himself. I gave it to him but I feel like since that he has been acting weird towards me. He doesn't talk to me or share his feelings. This made me feel insecure. I told him I thought he was acting weird and that I was almost starting to think that he had someone else, and then he replied he didn't have time for that… What does that even mean?

Also we were supposed to go on holiday together this autumn, to visit friends of his abroad, but then he decided he wanted to go by himself and go cycling there to clear his head. I understand he is mourning the loss of his father but he doesn't talk to me and it makes me feel left out... He decided earlier to quit his job and have a gap year to clear his mind, he mentioned he felt like standing at a crossroad in his life, and he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life and the money his father left him. And he said he wanted to take a break from our relationship... And that he felt guilty that he wasn't in love with me anymore... That moment I felt like everything was falling apart. Maybe it is my insecurities, or that I have been worrying a lot about world problems that he thought I was negative...

Later I told him that if he wanted to go on his biketrip that I think he should go because I want to see him happy. He said he wanted to see me happy as well. We were both crying then. When we were talking about us then, he said he wanted to try relationship therapy, and that he would put his bike trip on hold to work on our relationship. We had one online (because it was possible within 2 days) introduction with a relationship coach who specializes in autism. I have been reading about autism as well to understand him better. And I thought we were gonna go for it. Because, well, he promised. After the online session he came with me to my therapy (because I tend to worry a lot about world problems and such) and there I kind of broke down and cried because he said that he needed someone to be there for him (and I want to be there for him but it's very hard for me if he doesn't talk to me). Also my therapist told him about keeping promises... It seemed like he didn't like hearing that, but he said that he promises things when he doesn't have overview, and then after he breaks his promise because of that. And I told him like if you don't know for sure if you can't keep your promise, don't promise anything until you are sure of it. My therapist agreed. Is it hard for people with autism to keep their promises?
Anyway he was there for me or at least he tried to. But I felt like I was losing him, and maybe this was because of miscommunication and misunderstanding. 
Then a couple of days later he called me and said he was going to go on his trip and he asked me what I thought about that. I told him we agreed on things. Then he asked me again how I thought about him going, and again I told him that we agreed on things. Then he said that he was gonna go because that was always the plan... At that moment I just felt really betrayed because he broke his promise again, and because I was so emotional I said: you do that. 
A couple of days later I saw him at work but he was avoiding me. I came to him to say hi. It was very awkward. He asked me to talk but I had plans with a friend to go out for dinner so I told him to call me later. On the phone we had a short conversation because I was tired. He then promised me to bring over some stuff that he ordered for me the next morning. I said ok great thanks and I am very tired I'm going to sleep. And the next day when I came home after the gym, I saw that he didn't bring the stuff. So I thought, ok, another promise broken... Later that day I checked my whatsapp and I saw that the picture he had of us together was gone and his profile was without a picture, just empty. I thought well that can't be good... I didn't call him to ask what this was all about, because I thought if there is something he can just tell me right? 
The next day at work colleague 1 asked me if boyfriend was coming to the work event (because of buying meat/veggie/vegan). I said that I wasn't sure, but that I heard that he wasn't coming (maybe I should have elaborated but I don't like to gossip). She said she would contact him and ask him. 
A couple of days later I went to a work get together. (Alone. Because 5 weeks before that a colleague of mine (who did the planning for the work event) told me that he wasn't going. When I asked him why he didn't want to go he said he didn't feel like it. And I thought ok, if you don't want to go, that's your choice. Even though the 2 times before that we went together).
It felt strange to be there, like everyone was talking about me. Colleague 2 asked me if boyfriend was still coming. I told her I didn't know. Because really I had no clue anymore what he was doing and how he was feeling. She then asked me if we were still together and I replied I wasn't sure... I felt like I was gossiping but I really didn't know what was going on....  
Then later colleague 3 comes up to me and asks me what is going on with me and boyfriend. I ask why? And she says people are talking about you, that it's over. I didn't know what I was hearing. And told her, ok then apparently other people know more than me.. Weird.
So later that evening I went to his place and I told him that people were talking about us and that I didn't like it and that I wanted to know why. He then said that he has been talking to 4 colleagues about our relationship problems but that he told them this in trust. I was hurt but acted mad and told him "you are talking to other people about us but not to me?" Then he said that after that he talked to me. I felt betrayed and hurt and a lot of other things. So I don't remember our conversation that well anymore. Later he said that he was thinking about ending it. I asked him, "when were you gonna tell me this?" and he said, this week or next week.... I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I felt a lot of everything. So I asked for my housekeys back and decided to pack my things from his place and go. He asked if I wanted to talk. I asked about what? And he said about why it doesn't work between us. I acted mad because I was hurt of his betrayal and I said I don't feel like talking right now. When I had everything he asked if I had my gymbag (which was very weird to me because it was the first thing that I got, in order to put the rest of my stuff in) and if I needed help to get my things home (because of the stuff that he ordered for me as well, it was a lot to take on my bike), and that he then could get his things from my place at the same time. I said no, because I just wanted to leave as fast as I could because of all my emotions and I didn't want to have to deal with him at that moment in my house. As I walked to my bike with all the stuff, he offered to help again and I said no, why? He said because it is the proper thing to do. I just exploded and said proper? Now you start about what's proper? I yelled at him it was pretty bad... that's also why I didn't want to talk then because I was too angry and afraid of what I might say in the heat of the moment and then regret later...

Anyway this is the short version, of course there is way more....
Your thoughts please?
I just don't understand why the break up happened... He could have gone cycling and clear his head. It didn't have to be the end for us? But it is... 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, efi said:

 And he said he wanted to take a break from our relationship... And that he felt guilty that he wasn't in love with me anymore... Also my therapist told him about keeping promises... 

Sorry this happened. Do you still work together? How old is he? 

Try to step back. He ended things before the cycling trip.

Continue with your therapist alone. You don't have to try to fix him.

It seems like you're not suited for each other. Maybe you dodged a bullet and now you're free to pursue men who want what you want and aren't this difficult to deal with.

[efi]

Hi there, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my message!

Yes when he comes back in one month we will have to work together again. If he decides to, because it's a volunteer job. He is 41 and 3 years older than me.

I have one more session with my therapist to go, but I feel better already and I realized now that I was mostly worried about stuff I have no influence on, so that really helped.

I never wanted to fix him, just understand him. Which is hard, because he doesn't talk to me. He doesn't let me in. After we broke up, we talked once more on the phone and he said that he was close to having a burn out. I never knew this because he didn't mention this before when we were together. I wish he would have told me. He told colleagues though (I found this out later). I didn't tell him that he should have told me, because once again I was too flabbergasted. And yeah, we were broken up already right?

Yes, it seems like we're not... It still feels like it's all one big misunderstanding though. This is not the whole story you see. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, efi said:

I just don't understand why the break up happened.

Right here:

2 hours ago, efi said:

he wasn't in love with me anymore

Autism or grief or not, his feelings have changed. It's painful, but it happens. The right thing for him to do in this case is to let you go. 

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry you're hurt.  I know when my mom passed it was a shock to my system even though I was told she only had 6 months to live.  I broke up with my then boyfriend because I didn't know what I wanted anymore.  My advice would be to leave him alone, let him grieve and let him come back to you when he's ready.  If he doesn't return to the relationship it wasn't meant to be with him but someone else.

[efi]

Hi ExpatInItaly, thank you for your comment.

I understand that feelings can change, and yes sure it happens.
I don't understand why he wanted to go for relationship therapy if his feelings were gone already, that's all.

I hope this comes online as a reply to your comment, (and not on the bottom of this page) I am not sure how to do that. Since I'm new here 🙂 

[efi]

Hello Stillafool, thank you for sharing your story and taking the time to comment.

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mother. That must be tough, and I totally understand it came as a shock, even though you knew, it is such a big loss. 
I hope you are able to take your time and that you can slowly start to focus on what you want. Take care, I know it's a long process. Big hug!

And about my ex yeah, well, I have been leaving him alone already... since it's over I have gone no contact. 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, efi said:

Hello Stillafool, thank you for sharing your story and taking the time to comment.

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mother. That must be tough, and I totally understand it came as a shock, even though you knew, it is such a big loss. 
I hope you are able to take your time and that you can slowly start to focus on what you want. Take care, I know it's a long process. Big hug!

And about my ex yeah, well, I have been leaving him alone already... since it's over I have gone no contact. 

Thank you but my mother passed away many years ago as I am  much older than you.  I am married now to someone else.  

Did he come over to collect his things from your place yet?  When did you last see or talk to him?

[efi]

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Thank you but my mother passed away many years ago as I am  much older than you.  I am married now to someone else.  

Did he come over to collect his things from your place yet?  When did you last see or talk to him?

Ah I misunderstood then.... ok 🙂 Happy days for you now!

The stuff exchanging is done. 

Last time I saw him was 2 months ago at our volunteer job. Last time we really talked was 1 or 2 weeks before that, on the phone, when he told me he was close to having a burnout.  He then brought up the fact that I was mad at him after the work event, and he didn't seem to understand why... I thought I was pretty clear, but maybe he just doesn't care.
Anyway... it's quite a long story to say everything... 

[stillafool]

I understand.  Well I know it's hard but you seem to be handling it well.  Just stay busy and try to get back out there when you're ready.  In the meantime you can always vent and talk here when it's on your mind.

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, efi said:

I understand that feelings can change, and yes sure it happens.
I don't understand why he wanted to go for relationship therapy if his feelings were gone already, that's all.

Things aren't always so black and white.  He realised he wasn't in love any more, which is why he initially said he wanted to break up.  Then he thought about it more and started to think about the things he would miss.  That, combined with feelings of guilt for hurting you, may have led him to say that he wanted to try therapy.  Unfortunately, he quickly realised that therapy wouldn't cause him to feel in love again, so he reverted to his initial stance.

Breakups are often messy, especially if two people have been together for a while and have built happy memories together.  It's not uncommon for one or both parties to waver in their resolve.  The best thing you can do for you is to shut the door and begin the process of healing and moving on. 

[smackie9]

There are times they need to miss you before they come back. This is his time to see if he misses you. You never know what may happen when he gets back. 

[Ami1uwant]

10 hours ago, efi said:

Ah I misunderstood then.... ok 🙂 Happy days for you now!

The stuff exchanging is done. 

Last time I saw him was 2 months ago at our volunteer job. Last time we really talked was 1 or 2 weeks before that, on the phone, when he told me he was close to having a burnout.  He then brought up the fact that I was mad at him after the work event, and he didn't seem to understand why... I thought I was pretty clear, but maybe he just doesn't care.
Anyway... it's quite a long story to say everything... 

 

a few comments….

 

autism is broad area. If he has it it might be aspergers area.  
 

what were these areas you were disagreeing or fighting about that preceding him pulling away which then led to these other disputes.

[Lotsgoingon]

Shortcut here. 

Anytime I wanted "time" off a relationship, that simply meant I wasn't into the relationship. I usually liked the person, but usually just didn't have the clarity and guts to realize I needed to end the relationship.

Not it is true that sometimes people aren't ready for relationships. Ideally, they'd say that. 

Bottom line: it's a mistake to let someone have "time" to themselves. You're not a prison. They have their own. They will have plenty of time for themselves. So the whole language of this statement makes no sense. 

Oh, autism has nothing to do with things. Everyone has some issue, even if it's not a particular neurological condition. But we date people whose strengths in our view far outweigh their weaknesses. Or to put it in the reverse. We date someone whose weaknesses don't blot out all the wonderful things we see in them and all the wonderful things we EXPERIENCE with them. That applies if they're more extroverted than us, more introverted, tighter with money, looser with money, have an obnoxious parent and on and on. 

Edited November 18, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, efi said:

I don't understand why he wanted to go for relationship therapy if his feelings were gone already

Sometimes people feel they owe the other party one more last-ditch effort. He knew you were hurt and perhaps he hoped something would change for him if he tried therapy. But, it evidently didn't work and he realized he didn't want to continue. 

I would try not to focus on this point too much though, since it doesn't change the end result that he has opted out of the relationship. I know you're trying to make sense of it all. However, his behaviour is pretty consistent with someone who wants to be single and isn't invested anymore. 

You will be okay again. You two have met the end of your chapter, but another one will open for you when the time is right. 

 

[efi]

15 hours ago, smackie9 said:

There are times they need to miss you before they come back. This is his time to see if he misses you. You never know what may happen when he gets back. 

Well we are still colleagues. If he misses me I guess it's just as friends. 

[efi]

7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

a few comments….

 

autism is broad area. If he has it it might be aspergers area.  
 

what were these areas you were disagreeing or fighting about that preceding him pulling away which then led to these other disputes.

Hi there thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

It might be aspergers. No idea. He never got tested for it. He says he doesn't want a label on him.

I think it's because I was in worrying mode about all world problems. This is why I went to therapy for that (he knew about this), to deal with my worries and let them go because as one person you can't change the world. So I focus on the things where I am able to make a difference. I tend to think a lot about everything and also question why things are the way they are in the world we live in. Because I want to understand why they are how they are. I guess he felt that I was being too negative. While I was just searching for answers. 
During our last phone call he said that we don't see the world the same way (which he knew from the beginning actually) and that it will eventually make us crash. We disagree on some things, and that is fine for me. Because in the broader sense of everything we both want a better world, and for me that was enough, but for him apparently not... 

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, efi said:

During our last phone call he said that we don't see the world the same way and that it will eventually make us crash. 

While he's away, reflect and focus on what you want and need from a relationship.  

It's important to invest in men you feel compatible with and who don't have one foot out the door at all times.

You'll save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches when you find someone who is not this difficult to get along with.

[efi]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

While he's away, reflect and focus on what you want and need from a relationship.  

It's important to invest in men you feel compatible with and who don't have one foot out the door at all times.

You'll save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches when you find someone who is not this difficult to get along with.

Yes you are totally right, I am focusing on myself right now. And I want a man that talks to me 🙂 
Thanks!