Rejected by AP am I overreacting go NC

[In my own thoughts]

After a couple of years of a wonderful friendship and affair with younger single man he has now cut off from having sex with me. Less to no compliments yet contacts me everyday to check in and general chat and meet each week for lunch. 
 

We’ve always been in agreement that when one of us wants to end what we’ve had going. Agreed to be open about him

meeting someone and moving on inevitably. We were very much full on and into each until the beginning of this year. Has told me many times he cares for me which I believe he does wholeheartedly.
 

We went a planned day out and had a great time as always. I dropped him back home and first time ever he never asked me in just hugged pecked me. Feeling confused I knocked on and asked him was there something I’d done as this isn’t how we ever end our day together aswe always have sex. Reminded him we always been in agreement to tell each other if we want to end that part of us. He replied with I am overthinking it and he’s just tired. Said he’ll catch up no with me next week (we work together and on contact through work). 
 

Our next contact will be after weekend and we usually lunch together each week on a office day. 

I’m feeling a little hurt that he can’t be honest with me even having been given the opportunity.  I hate the fact it could be out of pity but he’s clearly lost the attraction  

Am I overreacting if I cancel lunch if he still makes arrangements next week?   Is it over the top to be going NC?  I feel

he might now want the distance and space but doesn’t want to hurt me by admitting it. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. As long as you work together, no contact isn't that much of an option. 

Does he date other women? It's possible he still likes you but doesn't want to be the "other man" anymore.

Keep in mind he's single and 31, so his mind may be shifting to more complete relationships.

 

Edited November 18, 2022 by Wiseman2

[In my own thoughts]

I’m 16 years older so as much as I’d like it to be something more realistically it couldn’t be. Eventually he will want a younger women. He’s always been honest about having contact with other women which I believe there hasn’t been anyone else sexually during our time together. Generally up till now what we have suits his lifestyle. He has a couple of jobs and studying going on in his life. He also has commitment issues and atm is happy as a single guy. 
 

I just found the rejection quite painful although I fully respect his wishes. I don’t want come come across needy (after knocking on to ask him about it) but feel maybe I should back off and give him some distance. 
 
We’re good friends, good to each other and for each other. Repeatedly told me he’d only ever date a woman seriously now if she was like me and that I’ve taught him what he wants from a partner. 
 

We only see each other at work once day per week. All other contact is messaging. 
 

Do I act like normal on Monday when we speak and do our usual lunch arrangement? Or do I make an excuse to not go into the office? 
 

I think me keeping a distance will help him if he’s cutting off. Don’t know what he’s thinking after I knocked on to ask him and give him the opportunity to tell him. I don’t want him to feel pity for me and that he can’t be honest  

 

[stillafool]

I think it's best to keep your distance until you see what is going on with him.  This could be the end of the sexual part of your friendship.  I know it hurts but you knew this was coming one day.  It must be like sitting on a time bomb.  I'm sorry I know it must be painful but he seems to have always been honest and straight up with you.

Oh, I see from your previous post you're married and this is an affair partner.  Well this was inevitable and he probably is getting closer to another woman which could be why he's turning down sex with you.   This is a good thing to help you move on and away from this affair.  You need to go NC.

Edited November 18, 2022 by stillafool

[In my own thoughts]

Thank you for your responses. I’m certain he’s getting closer to another woman. We always agreed we’d roll along and he’d tell me when it happens but finds it difficult to do that. A painful situation I have caused myself and have only myself to blame. Worried when I go NC he will think it’s because of rejection of sex when really it’s about the friendship. I truly want to see him happy in life. Hurts he feels he can’t be open with me. Maybe I’m asking too much for closure 

[In my own thoughts]

Really feel I’ve made a fool of myself knocking at door and asking him. Although I was polite and reassured him it’s fine, I was disappointed with his excuse. Maybe he will go NC and save me the worry of having to do it. 

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

Worried when I go NC he will think it’s because of rejection of sex when really it’s about the friendship. I truly want to see him happy in life.

You cannot be friends with him.  You are fooling yourself to think that you can.  You are emotionally involved with him.  As his friend that means you truly would be happy for him to meet and get involved with another woman.  You would be open to hearing about them and their dates as well as meeting and interacting with her, him and your husband.  Are you ready for that?

[basil67]

Not only this ^, but from the POV of any new girlfriend he has, it would be beyond inappropriate of him to stay in close contact with the MW who he used to have sex with. 

Meanwhile, your husband remains noticeably absent from both this thread and your last.  If you wish to stay married, it's also inappropriate to continue close contact with this guy.

[BrinnM]

14 hours ago, In my own thoughts said:

I think me keeping a distance will help him if he’s cutting off.

Yes, maybe, but you should not be the one thinking on his behalf. You seem to be wayyyyy to accommodating. If he wants to cut you off - he must say so! Not that hard, as you had a verbal agreement…..
 

see this 👇🏼

 

14 hours ago, In my own thoughts said:

what we have suits his lifestyle.

This should be completely irrelevant to you. What should be relevant is what you want. Does it suit your lifestyle? That’s all that matters. He’ll take care of himself, no doubt about that. You, though, will have to take care of yourself. And that’s pretty much the end of it. 
 

Edited November 19, 2022 by BrinnM

[Mrin]

Idea: maybe he had the trots?

[In my own thoughts]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

You cannot be friends with him.  You are fooling yourself to think that you can.  You are emotionally involved with him.  As his friend that means you truly would be happy for him to meet and get involved with another woman.  You would be open to hearing about them and their dates as well as meeting and interacting with her, him and your husband.  Are you ready for that?

Truly happy for him to have found someone but yes too painful to have discussions about their relationship. No I’m ready for that. 

[In my own thoughts]

6 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Yes, maybe, but you should not be the one thinking on his behalf. You seem to be wayyyyy to accommodating. If he wants to cut you off - he must say so! Not that hard, as you had a verbal agreement…..
 

see this 👇🏼

 

This should be completely irrelevant to you. What should be relevant is what you want. Does it suit your lifestyle? That’s all that matters. He’ll take care of himself, no doubt about that. You, though, will have to take care of yourself. And that’s pretty much the end of it. 
 

I’ve been more than accommodating, always have been. No doubt he’ll take care of himself. I’ve felt a shift in him in recent weeks and each time I’ve approached it he tells me I’m overthinking things. Simply disrespectful not to be upfront like we’ve both always agreed. Coming away from him the other night felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. 
 

I need to put myself and my emotional well-being first. Atm I feel cut off from everything and everyone. No one else knows of my affair therefore I have nobody to confide in or gain advice. Just me and my thoughts preymuch lost really. Meanwhile he’s probably gaining advice and a listening ear from friends. 

[In my own thoughts]

1 hour ago, Mrin said:

Idea: maybe he had the trots?

Unlikely. More to the point perhaps say if you feel unwell. 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

. No one else knows of my affair therefore I have nobody to confide in or gain advice. 

This would be the perfect situation to get support from a qualified therapist.

Everything you discuss is confidential as well as neutral professional support.

You could not only discuss the affair freely, you could discuss what led you down that road in the first place.

This is not as simple as young guy looses interest in older married woman. There's a lot of layers to this hurt and at some level it's coming to the surface.

Perhaps once you uncover why all this happened and how you became over-attached, you'll feel better and can put one foot in front of the other moving forward. Keep in mind affairs are often Band-Aids on unhappy marriages.

Edited November 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

Yes, no contact with him and please figure out what is going on in your marriage. You are likely extremely aware of what’s wrong in your marriage already for the length of the affair. Maybe this man wasn’t your first AP either? 

Please speak with a lawyer privately and have the info you need before making any moves or decisions. A lot of the time people assume they know and those incorrect assumptions keep them locked in the same place - you’re a product of your own mind. The affair is only a symptom. The problem is really your marriage and finding ways to escape but not really do the work of leaving. It’s scary, yes, and maybe you haven’t faced the reality of living on your own. 

Why risk repeating these same scenarios again and again with APs? If not this guy then someone else later? 

[In my own thoughts]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Yes, no contact with him and please figure out what is going on in your marriage. You are likely extremely aware of what’s wrong in your marriage already for the length of the affair. Maybe this man wasn’t your first AP either? 

Why risk repeating these same scenarios again and again with APs? If not this guy then someone else later? 

Thank you for your advice. This is my first and only AP. I’ve never done anything like this before.  My husband had any affair over 10 years ago which I discovered at the time my Dad was terminally ill. He then went on to cheat again a couple of years later, more of a quick fling the second time round. Over the years he now adores me and has regrets which we never discuss. I love him but don’t feel connected to him.
 

As for my AP we just simply get on very well. More of a FWB even though I married , however, only up to earlier this year we did cross boundaries with our feelings. Since then he’s pulled away with him feelings but still enjoyed the friendship and sex, until he rejected me recently. 

Just a case of me having to suck it up but it sure has hit me rock bottom, although I knew this day would eventually come. 
 

Like I say, I’m more disappointed by how he’s ended the physical side of it. It hurt me more than him actually having the conversation when the time come. I’ve tried a couple of times to ask him when I’ve felt him pulling away in texts, only to be told I’m overthinking.  Should have trusted my gut instinct and avoided making a fool of myself knocking at his house desperately seeking answers. 
 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

Over the years he now adores me and has regrets which we never discuss. I love him but don’t feel connected to him.

So now that the younger guy is pulling away this would be the time to end the affair and do what is necessary to reconnect with your husband.  You should tell him about your affair so you both can acknowledge you've hurt each other, heal and go forth to a better marriage.   You don't need the younger guy to tell you he's losing interest his actions will tell you that.  Men typically don't like to say things to hurt women's feelings so that may be why he told you that you were overthinking.  It's clear that this is not just a casual relationship for you as it is for him.  If it's not now sooner or later young guy will end it. Hopefully before you get caught.  At that point you may not be able to hold onto your husband and then you'll be left alone.

[mark clemson]

19 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

 Over the years he now adores me and has regrets which we never discuss. I love him but don’t feel connected to him.

There has been some hurt in your past and you have both made "mistakes" (in reality, decisions - probably to keep the marriage going, but patch up what's missing via affairs).

Love but not connected sounds perhaps like you are each others' "stable base" but that emotional intimacy is missing. Possibly sexual too, if you're so interested in chasing your AP for your sexual needs?

If you're happy to continue the affair but you're not going to leave your marriage, then your AP can't really "have you" and you can't really blame him for eventually seeking something more fulfilling/permanent.

If you're going to recommit to making the marriage happier for both of you, then you both need to do "work" to get you to that point. Neither one of you alone can "fix" the marriage.

I agree with the suggestion above to seek either therapy or possibly couples therapy to start patching it up. It can sometimes help to have a "referee" for conversations that might be difficult.

Edited November 19, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

21 hours ago, In my own thoughts said:

Thank you for your advice. This is my first and only AP. I’ve never done anything like this before.  My husband had any affair over 10 years ago which I discovered at the time my Dad was terminally ill. He then went on to cheat again a couple of years later, more of a quick fling the second time round. Over the years he now adores me and has regrets which we never discuss. I love him but don’t feel connected to him.
 

As for my AP we just simply get on very well. More of a FWB even though I married , however, only up to earlier this year we did cross boundaries with our feelings. Since then he’s pulled away with him feelings but still enjoyed the friendship and sex, until he rejected me recently. 

Just a case of me having to suck it up but it sure has hit me rock bottom, although I knew this day would eventually come. 
 

Like I say, I’m more disappointed by how he’s ended the physical side of it. It hurt me more than him actually having the conversation when the time come. I’ve tried a couple of times to ask him when I’ve felt him pulling away in texts, only to be told I’m overthinking.  Should have trusted my gut instinct and avoided making a fool of myself knocking at his house desperately seeking answers. 
 

With respect, this is still glossing over the glaring issue that you’re cheating in your marriage or with someone else without your husband’s knowledge. Of course your AP will eventually pull away - the logical reasoning is that you’re unavailable and untrustworthy in a relationship. He sees what you have done in your marriage and is ironically as avoidant as you are about your marriage. He won’t address ending this with you as he may also likely see how attached you are emotionally and hanging by a thread or needing him for validation. The marriage is a sham if there’s this much dishonesty - it would be unwise for any partner to trust your ability to stay faithful or deal with issues in real time in an actual relationship. 

I don’t say this to cause intentional pain or more than what you’re going through. Take a good look at your marriage. You’re unavailable and seeking availability in others - it’s not a two way street here and bound to keep cycling in this pattern. 

Since he doesn’t want to speak to you about how he feels or you think he’s more or less shut down, he’s done most of the work. Block and delete the contact and he’ll get the point eventually. Rethink the loveless cheating marriage (on both sides) that’s caused all of this in the first place.

 

[In my own thoughts]

Harsh brutal words but I came to this forum for honest help and advice and I’m grateful for that.  I completely agree with your views and I’m certainly not expecting to receive sympathy.  
 

I’m well aware of the hurt this will cause my husband when I tell him. This has not been a revenge affair. I know our marriage is nonexistent and I should have left sooner  or addressed the problems. 

I’m not and never have been out seeking availability in other men. I wrongly got involved with my AF and the burden of guilt is something I have to deal with.
 

Everyones responses have been greatly appreciated, as I’ve no one to confide in to give me the home truths. 

[S2B]

The guilt will become less prevalent if you make sure it’s ended for sure and focus your attention on your husband - who you made vows with.

if it’s a struggle - seek a professional counselor to understand why you would hurt the one you promised to love.

more importantly - how to never hurt him again.

[JTSW]

I do feel bad for you OP.

He is considerably younger and has obviously had his fill with the older married woman from his office.

He is moving on to other endeavours with other women.

It's time to forget about men and just focus on you.

Take care of yourself for a while. Treat yourself and get some much needed self reflection.  

[In my own thoughts]

I’ve made some small progress and arranged to see a counsellor but this won’t take place for a couple of weeks due to waiting list. I’m in a loveless marriage which is painful and too cowardly to be honest with myself but most importantly my husband. . Since my post i’ve began applying for new jobs to remove myself from the FWB/affair situation as AP continue to contact daily on chat via work. Not sure if he does this out of habit or guilt but the “morning x” and conversation always seem genuine. Friendly chat nothing flirtatious. We’ve met up regularly for lunches but only slept together once in that time. We went for lunch exchanged Christmas gifts but again he made an excuse of needing to go somewhere when we got back at his place and avoided intimacy, but shouted me back for hug and peck on cheek 😕. We talk about anything as friends but we both avoid any conversation about the benefits or lack of them.  I don’t think it’s a case of he’s keeping options open by staying in contact with me, I believe hes trying to avoid hurting my feelings as he cares but hopes it will simply fizzle out 🤷‍♀️ 

[BaileyB]

On 12/23/2022 at 8:30 PM, In my own thoughts said:

I believe hes trying to avoid hurting my feelings as he cares but hopes it will simply fizzle out 🤷‍♀️

You are doing the right thing by finding a counsellor and looking for another job. I would minimize contact as much as possible - don’t contact him. 

On 11/19/2022 at 11:05 AM, In my own thoughts said:

I’ve tried a couple of times to ask him when I’ve felt him pulling away in texts, only to be told I’m overthinking.  Should have trusted my gut instinct and avoided making a fool of myself knocking at his house desperately seeking answers. 

The easiest way for you to do this is simply to tell him - new year, you are moving on. I wish you well but please stop contacting me. YOU can be the one to end it, hanging on accepting whatever he offers would be very sad for me. I would rather take control and make a clean cut. 

[stillafool]

On 12/23/2022 at 9:30 PM, In my own thoughts said:

I believe hes trying to avoid hurting my feelings as he cares but hopes it will simply fizzle out 🤷‍♀️ 

I agree, so why don't you help him speed up the process and just stop interacting with him.  Good you're looking for another job, have you found anything promising?