She thinks I don't care about her and only use her for sex/meeting up

[ScubaSandel]

I (26m) matched this girl (26f) off Bumble a month go. Three weeks ago we went on a really fun date of drinks (led to drunk karaoke) but she missed the last bus back to hers so she stayed over mine that night. It was great. Great sex. Lots of laughs. 

We messaged light heartedly each day frequently whenever we had quiet spells and then had our second date two weeks ago. Again it was a fun one and ended up sleeping together.

Again after the date we would message equally as frequent as last time, all light hearted. We were meant to have a date last weekend (week ago) but she caught covid so we didn't meet (although she didn't make it clear that she had it/and was definitely too unwell to make it until about an hour before the date) to which she apologised loads. She still says I make her feel amazing, and even warm in her heart.

So far this week the communication has been less in general (and less fun overall - there's been two occasions where there's been miscommunication about something which has led to her being annoyed with me)

She's planning a date for next weekend (as she is busy this weekend visiting family and works long hours and doesn't do social stuff on work nights) but  I feel like the daily communication but no actual meeting up (until next weekend) is killing this connection/making it stale.

She's into attachment styles and I think she's one of the avoidants so maybe she's pulling away?

Is there much I can do my end? The fact she's still mentioned a date next weekend is good but her communication is less and less. Last few days she is going through high anxiety about her body and also anxious about some health condition tests she has on Sunday.

Any advice?

S

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, ScubaSandel said:

She's planning a date for next weekend (as she is busy this weekend visiting family and works long hours and doesn't do social stuff on work nights) but  I feel like the daily communication but no actual meeting up (until next weekend) is killing this connection/making it stale.

What was she "annoyed" about ? Too much texting can lead to misunderstandings.

She seems into you and the dates went well. That fact that she's busy one weekend or can't text frequently is not that important. Try to see each other more often and try some dates that don't end in sex, so she doesn't get anxious about this being only a hookup thing.

[Ami1uwant]

52 minutes ago, ScubaSandel said:

I (26m) matched this girl (26f) off Bumble a month go. Three weeks ago we went on a really fun date of drinks (led to drunk karaoke) but she missed the last bus back to hers so she stayed over mine that night. It was great. Great sex. Lots of laughs. 

We messaged light heartedly each day frequently whenever we had quiet spells and then had our second date two weeks ago. Again it was a fun one and ended up sleeping together.

Again after the date we would message equally as frequent as last time, all light hearted. We were meant to have a date last weekend (week ago) but she caught covid so we didn't meet (although she didn't make it clear that she had it/and was definitely too unwell to make it until about an hour before the date) to which she apologised loads. She still says I make her feel amazing, and even warm in her heart.

So far this week the communication has been less in general (and less fun overall - there's been two occasions where there's been miscommunication about something which has led to her being annoyed with me)

She's planning a date for next weekend (as she is busy this weekend visiting family and works long hours and doesn't do social stuff on work nights) but  I feel like the daily communication but no actual meeting up (until next weekend) is killing this connection/making it stale.

She's into attachment styles and I think she's one of the avoidants so maybe she's pulling away?

Is there much I can do my end? The fact she's still mentioned a date next weekend is good but her communication is less and less. Last few days she is going through high anxiety about her body and also anxious about some health condition tests she has on Sunday.

Any advice?

S

She might have interest in you but she might have regret where she slept with you both times.  Now she is pulling away.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ScubaSandel said:

She's into attachment styles and I think she's one of the avoidants so maybe she's pulling away?

You have met her twice and therefore don't know anywhere near enough about her to determine what her attachment style is. Try not to assign those sorts of labels too fast.

1 hour ago, ScubaSandel said:

there's been two occasions where there's been miscommunication about something which has led to her being annoyed with me

What happened here? 

[glows]

I am also curious about what happened where she was annoyed with you. Was she impatient with you?

I’d let this breathe for awhile. You both have had fun dates. Don’t smother with too much texting or get insecure about things she’s said about attachment styles. Ask her how she’s feeling on the weekend and send a well-thought out text. One will do. Let her respond when she feels well.  

If she’s interested she’ll take the time to respond and let you know she’s doing ok. You don’t need to chase so hard.

[smackie9]

Could be anything...if it's dying off, then it's done. Flash in the pan romance.

[ShyViolet]

This is someone you have gone on two dates with.  You barely know this girl.  Stop focusing so much on the texting.  You have a third date planned with her.  Just see how the next date goes and the vibe you get from her in person.

[ScubaSandel]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

15 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

 

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

 

14 hours ago, glows said:

 

 

13 hours ago, smackie9 said:

 

 

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

 

Thank you everyone for your messages!

About the times she got annoyed. One of the times was when I complimented a picture of her in a famcy dress but said she also looked great in loungewear (I didn't word it amazingly well but it came across as objectifying apparently and triggered her anxiety - I apologised as neither was my intention and she was okay with that).

Second time was about the date next weekend. Twice I asked about what we were doing/what the plan was as I was generally just curious (not repeatedly, it was a few days apart) but she didn't reply at all to my question. Day later I asked then if it was still going ahead (as I had mates asking for availability and her lack of response to my Q about any info about the date made me think that it might not be going ahead) and her reply was that me asking about date info was quite intense. 

About the texting speed, she'd message me loads to begin with, including morning and night, and I naturally kept pace (not trying on purpose, just due to convo flow and speed) but now recently she's slowed it down more/less frequent. She still messages and replies (even voicenotes and funny memes/pictures) but now sometimes its every 3-4 hours compared to a week ago (amd before then) when it was maximum 1 hour when not at work. So that's really what confused me a tad

[Alpacalia]

Kindly. Take a deep breath.

In between being ill and family or work obligations, a 3–4-hour response time is okay for someone you've met twice.

Let her confirm date plans. Besides, she cancelled last time, so let her follow up. I'd call it a wash if she doesn't.

31 minutes ago, ScubaSandel said:

Second time was about the date next weekend. Twice I asked about what we were doing/what the plan was as I was generally just curious (not repeatedly, it was a few days apart) but she didn't reply at all to my question. Day later I asked then if it was still going ahead (as I had mates asking for availability and her lack of response to my Q about any info about the date made me think that it might not be going ahead) and her reply was that me asking about date info was quite intense. 

Edited November 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ScubaSandel said:

but now sometimes its every 3-4 hours compared to a week ago (amd before then) when it was maximum 1 hour when not at work. 

Unfortunately this is still too much text-tethering and oversaturation. Lay back on the "intensity" as she put it, and simply wait to arrange something when she's free next. Try not to let anxiety drive your dating .

[ScubaSandel]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is still too much text-tethering and oversaturation. Lay back on the "intensity" as she put it, and simply wait to arrange something when she's free next. Try not to let anxiety drive your dating .

Am I not meant to reply to her every time she messages then? Even though our date is next weekend

[glows]

Are they memes? What do you usually respond with except “lol”. If she’s just sending you jokes and memes her texts are practically meaningless and low effort. Reply if you want but I can’t imagine this turning into anything. She’s weirdly sensitive to simple comments and questions and doesn’t even respond when asked about when she’s available. I think this woman is trouble. 

Meet her one more time to see what your dynamic is in person and figure out whether it’s worth the hassle.

[ScubaSandel]

23 minutes ago, glows said:

Are they memes? What do you usually respond with except “lol”. If she’s just sending you jokes and memes her texts are practically meaningless and low effort. Reply if you want but I can’t imagine this turning into anything. She’s weirdly sensitive to simple comments and questions and doesn’t even respond when asked about when she’s available. I think this woman is trouble. 

Meet her one more time to see what your dynamic is in person and figure out whether it’s worth the hassle.

Oh no the conversation is actual conversation, different things about our days and any gossip going on, and then if I don't reply within like an hour or two she'll send me a meme or something 

It's basically a continuous conversation lol

[glows]

24 minutes ago, ScubaSandel said:

Oh no the conversation is actual conversation, different things about our days and any gossip going on, and then if I don't reply within like an hour or two she'll send me a meme or something 

It's basically a continuous conversation lol

Another alternative is suggesting a phone call and limiting these texts. You’ve only met one month ago and had sex a couple of times. Be wary of people who play games or are too much in their own heads about being open and available.

If either of you ask a question, the decent thing is to respond with honesty and sincerity even if you don’t immediately know the answer. If she doesn’t know when she’ll be free next or isn’t feeling well, she should be letting you know ahead of time or foregoing a date so you’re free to make other plans, not ignoring you and then implying you’re annoying for asking.

She agreed to a third date and seems eager to plan it so let her plan the date and see how it goes. Nothing is going to go stale because you are interested, aren’t you? She’s showing interest. Just be sure that while you have consistency to offer, she does the same and is considerate enough to afford you a timely answer whatever the question may be.

[ScubaSandel]

We've just planned a date for Wednesday which is great.

There's this UK thing happening (we're both from the UK but currently live in Frankfurt - which is where we came across each other) and going there which will be nice

[glows]

That sounds really nice. See how it goes. I would go easy on the drinking on dates.

You had mentioned your first date saw both of you drunk and she missed her bus, sleeping at your place. Try not to make this all about sex and alcohol.

And don’t accept behaviour from someone you wouldn’t do yourself. I’m speaking about her ignoring you and trying to blame you calling you annoying. You treat others the way you wish to be treated and vice versa.

[HandySparrow]

Sorry if this isn't in right forum. I met this woman at a speed-dating event in my city (Manchester, both live there) just over a month ago. Both are 26 years young.

We've had 3 great dates with lots of fun. We did end up sleeping together for all 3, just kinda happened. We text throughout the day (not continuous but sometimes some back-and-forth, like a few messages every hour PM) 

Anyway. Few weeks ago she told me how she has a therapist and has been struggling with anxiety, with it getting intense at times. Although she said it with a lot of joking emojis (so assumed she was just teasing), she did say that I use her for sex, which I did deny.

The past few days she's been less chatty and has mentioned that her anxiety is flaring up. Today she told me that she's feeling more anxious than normal and that she can't keep up with how fast paced life is lately. We have a date this Saturday I've organised. 

Any advice on how I should interact with her leading up to the date now knowing she's struggling with the pace of things?

[HandySparrow]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

I would want to know what she considers “the pace of life?”

what triggers her? Her schedule? Her job?

what is her preference? Living in a rural area instead of the city? 
I think you need more specific information.

I think she might be hinting at the rate we communicate.

Shed message me loads to begin with, and I started to match her speed. But with lots of communication constantly but only 3 in-person texts, things can be mis-read easily and twice she got annoyed at me, but both times admitted that she just mis-read the tone of my texts. And now she has recently has reduced the amount if communication she has with me.

I understand that someone with anxiety, the last thing they want is to have more things (or people) to worry about.

With that in mind, what would you suggest?

[HandySparrow]

8 minutes ago, S2B said:

I’d ask her to be specific about what she means by “the pace of life”.

it’s entirely possible you two aren’t talking about the same thing.

you immediately made this about you. It could have nothing to do with you or what you’ve done.

ask for an explanation. Ask exactly what she means by her comment. 

it may be that you two just aren’t a good match/don’t want the same goals. If that’s it - then end it…no need to waste time begging someone to love you.

I might then ask what aspects of life is she finding to be going at a fast pace?

She always said I make her feel comfortable, but also easy to talk to and even a distraction at times

[Gaeta]

53 minutes ago, HandySparrow said:

I think she might be hinting at the rate we communicate

With that in mind, what would you suggest?

Don't assume anything, might have nothing to do with you. Invite her to be open with you if something bothers her but don't play her shrink.

If l were you l would text less and call her a few minutes at night. Wish her a good day by text and tell her you will call her after dinner. Talking on the phone is less likely to create misunderstanding and it will send a strong message you are serious about dating her.

Edited November 15, 2022 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, HandySparrow said:

We did end up sleeping together for all 3, just kinda happened. We have a date this Saturday I've organised. 

Make the date about each other, have fun and try not to end the date in bed if she is already accusing you of "using her for sex". However there seems to be a lot of warnings about her being on the high maintenance side of things if she has sever anxiety that doesn't seem under good control.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, HandySparrow said:

she did say that I use her for sex, which I did deny.

If she said the above to you do not have sex with her again unless she iinitiates.  Please don't set yourself up for anything.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, HandySparrow said:

she did say that I use her for sex, which I did deny.

I'm writing the following with the assumption that she willingly and enthusiastically participated in the sex:  How can you even continue with someone who insults you this way?  I don't care what kind of issues she has, a comment like this is downright unacceptable.  If you continue with her, what's the next piece of drama she will create?   

Alternately, if she truly believes you are using her for sex, why is she still seeing you?   

This is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

 

[HandySparrow]

I think people on here have misunderstood about the using for sex.

In all dates we've slept together, each morning she's said that there was a point t in the night she wanted to sleep with me, which was before I wanted to sleep with her.

We have a lot of sexual banter, which while that is normal for us, she has admitted she's been used by guys for sex in the past so I think she's subtle hinting (remember she said it in a very jokey way) that she's not wanting just sex from me. I also don't want just sex which I thought I made clear to her but maybe I didn't communicate well.

Anyway the whole sex stuff wasn't the main reason why I posted on here

Edited November 15, 2022 by HandySparrow

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm not getting your explanation for her "using me for sex" comment.  The explanation you give is way too complicated for people who have gone on three dates.

The anxiety has nothing to do with you. The only relation to you is that sleeping with you probably triggered her insecurities, which led to her anxiety. But she could have had the same anxiety if you guys had made out without sex. It's her job to know what will bring on anxiety and to adjust her life to account for that.

In other words, do NOT reassure you. That's not your job. It's her job to reassure herself. Do not treat her, become her counselor or savior. 

My fear is that if three dates in she's talking about anxiety already, then she's got serious struggles. She needs to be talking to her therapist about anxiety--not to you. Talking to you about her anxiety would come up farther down the road of a serious committed relationship. 

Translation of all the above: her anxiety has nothing to do with you. Zippo. Zip.