She thinks I don't care about her and only use her for sex/meeting up

[basil67]

If you're 100% sure she was joking about the sex thing, then sure, let it go.  

But I agree that it's not your job to reassure her.   You just do you, in a respectful manner and let the chips fall where they may.  If you behaving well is too much for her, then she's not ready to date.   There's already been one other post today about walking on eggshells and you really don't want to start doing it.

Edited November 16, 2022 by basil67

[Lisa]

@ScubaSandel and @HandySparrow are the same poster

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't personalize issues that existed before you and are unrelated to you, OP. 

It's not up to you to reassure her. You two still barely know each other. If she is already struggling with anxiety, you may want to take a step back and ask yourself if you want to sign up for this. 

[Alpacalia]

There may be some anxiety in her, but why do such heavy topics need to be discussed. It's been three dates so far. Don't worry about constantly texting each other.

What's her problem? Your comments annoy her. She feels that you are primarily interested in sexual relations. One hour prior to your rearranged last date, she bailed on you.

Don't chase after the ball so hard.

14 hours ago, HandySparrow said:

The past few days she's been less chatty and has mentioned that her anxiety is flaring up. Today she told me that she's feeling more anxious than normal and that she can't keep up with how fast paced life is lately. We have a date this Saturday I've organised. 

 

[Alpacalia]

On 11/10/2022 at 11:57 AM, ScubaSandel said:

I (26m) matched this girl (26f) off Bumble a month go. Three weeks ago we went on a really fun date of drinks (led to drunk karaoke) but she missed the last bus back to hers so she stayed over mine that night. It was great. Great sex. Lots of laughs. 

14 hours ago, HandySparrow said:

Sorry if this isn't in right forum. I met this woman at a speed-dating event in my city (Manchester, both live there) just over a month ago. Both are 26 years young.

Wait. Is this the same woman from your first thread?

Your original thread said the two of you met on Bumble. 

Edited November 16, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, HandySparrow said:

 she has admitted she's been used by guys for sex in the past 

She seems quite high maintenance if after 3 dates you're hearing about her baggage this much.  Unfortunately this seems like a rough road ahead that's not going to end well for you if she already has a tsunami of past hurts heading your way.

[glows]

22 hours ago, HandySparrow said:

Sorry if this isn't in right forum. I met this woman at a speed-dating event in my city (Manchester, both live there) just over a month ago. Both are 26 years young.

We've had 3 great dates with lots of fun. We did end up sleeping together for all 3, just kinda happened. We text throughout the day (not continuous but sometimes some back-and-forth, like a few messages every hour PM) 

Anyway. Few weeks ago she told me how she has a therapist and has been struggling with anxiety, with it getting intense at times. Although she said it with a lot of joking emojis (so assumed she was just teasing), she did say that I use her for sex, which I did deny.

The past few days she's been less chatty and has mentioned that her anxiety is flaring up. Today she told me that she's feeling more anxious than normal and that she can't keep up with how fast paced life is lately. We have a date this Saturday I've organised. 

Any advice on how I should interact with her leading up to the date now knowing she's struggling with the pace of things?

Considering I’m not prone to taking on someone’s issues I might ignore that comment but keep it in mind if she is quieter than usual. It has utterly no effect on my business or anyone else I’m seeing. I’m assuming you’re also dating other women. 

Enjoy the date on Saturday, be kind about what she has to say about her troubles but you’re also thinking about your life you’re leading. Do you have space and time for this? No? Move on. Next. If you have many more things in common and she appears positive and wants to move on from her anxiety and work on it privately that’s positive.

Most of all you’re looking at someone overall and whether that person matches your drive and interests. 

An aside and fwiw: As a partner of someone with depression and anxiety you learn how to be strong but you don’t take on those emotions. Have a solid life of your own and keep your own commitments. 

[Samsheen826]

I (28m) have been talking to this woman (26f) for a month and a half, but only have had three dates due to very busy work and then social lives. We've had sex twice in those times.

She's been suffering with some depression lately and was the reason why she cancelled our date on Thursday just gone. 

In hindsight, I'm a bad texter, always word stuff weordly. While my message to finding out she was cancelling the date could come across as prioritising my disappointment at her cancelling the date rather than saying something about her suffering, my intention with her has always been hoping that she's okay and how she's doing.

Today she texted me about how it seems I only care about wanting to see her in person and that I only want sex with her, and that I don't care about what her needs are. I initially replied, saying that's not the case, but she thinks I'm lying and that my wants to meet up with her always seems to come before any of her needs. She thinks I only want something like friends with benefits while she's after getting to know someone on a deeper level. This threw me off as I was suspecting that she was going off me as last few weeks she's been slightly less responsive on texts, not wanting phone calls, and less proactive to planning dates (she also cancelled our previous one due to being violently hungover).

I replied later after her message, opening up saying the reason I speak to her everyday, asking how she's doing everyday, is that I've been wanting to get to know her more on a deeper level. Wanting to know what drives her, and that I feel glad when she's happy and sad when she's suffering. I've started to care for her more.

She replied, simply saying she'll chat later. I'm not sure what to expect from her.

Next week is Thanksgiving, so we won't be able to hang out as we are both going back to our parents respectively. And while I don't want to keep asking her about meeting up, I don't want to be just penpals, and instead try to find time to hang out in person more and see where things go naturally, even if it's just an hour in a mutual place.

Any advice on how to approach this situation?

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Samsheen826 said:

Today she texted me about how it seems I only care about wanting to see her in person and that I only want sex with her, and that I don't care about what her needs are.

Why are you still trying to talk to someone who openly insults you like this? 

[Samsheen826]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why are you still trying to talk to someone who openly insults you like this? 

I was thinking maybe she misunderstood and I hoped we could actually talk about it like adults

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, Samsheen826 said:

And while I don't want to keep asking her about meeting up, I don't want to be just penpals, and instead try to find time to hang out in person more and see where things go naturally, even if it's just an hour in a mutual place.

Any advice on how to approach this situation?

Yes, you need to court her like she's a lady you want to impress. Stop planning time at your mutual place and invite her out on a real date, with no sex at the end of the night. She pretty much spelled it out to you but here you are wishing for a moment at your place or hers.