Cannot stop thinking wife's Infidelity

[suckslife]

I have been married for 15 years with two kids. Like most, I always thought our marriage is strong and we have
a special bond until around 15 months ago my wife admitted that she had an emotional affair with one of my friends.
They did not have sex, but they did indulge in some intimate actions.
My world turned upside down ever since I heard this. I feel betrayed not only by my wife but also from her AP whom I treated as
a good friend and had respect for. When I go back to all our family get togethers I could connect the dots and see why they have
a different behavior, I feel very insulting and pity about myself.
Its more than a year now since I know about this, but there was not even a minute I stopped thinking about this. It's hard to 
digest that she turned out to be completely different person that I know. I do not feel like trusting anyone now and I can clearly see
that I cannot enjoy the little things that I used to. I stopped talking to her and only responding with yes/no answers when needed. 

She was tearful and repentant and blamed herself for doing this and she is doing everything that she could to make me feel better, but its only
me who cannot trust her anymore. Sometimes I feel very positive and want to forget the past, put everything behind and just think about the future,
but the next minute my mind is haunted with the images of the details that she provided me earlier.

I am going through a roller-coaster of completely contrast feelings / emotions which is giving me immense pain.
Sometimes I feel if there is another person within me. How can I have complete contrast thoughts within minutes?

Posting in this forum for the first time hoping to use your wisdom to make myself feel better. Appreciate your response.
 

Edited November 20, 2022 by suckslife

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, suckslife said:

 15 months ago my wife admitted that she had an emotional affair with one of my friends.

 Sorry this is happening. What made her bring this up after all this time?

How is the marriage overall? 

[ExpatInItaly]

There is a reason that infidelity is a dealbreaker for many. 

As much as you might want to put this behind you, it's just not working. You don't have to force yourself to accept it and move forward. Have you two considered attending therapy? You might give it a try. 

If that doesn't work, well, you need to consider the possibility that you may be better ending the marriage. 

[BrinnM]

You need to tell her how you really feel, rather than passive-aggressively giving her the cold shoulder, or ignoring her. This has to be very unpleasant for the kids, too, and could damage them in the long run. Think about it this way: She must have felt remorseful, or otherwise she wouldn’t have told you the truth. That was quite courageous of her. Did she ever divulge what these “intimate actions” were that she mentioned? 
 

In order to get unstuck, do something proactively, like counseling, or even meeting with a divorce lawyer, to see what your options are. I’m not saying get divorced, this is completely up to you, but talking to a “pro” and weighing your options might give you some power back, because right now it sounds like you feel helpless, victimized, depressed, and passive.

[glows]

3 hours ago, suckslife said:

It's hard to 
digest that she turned out to be completely different person that I know. I do not feel like trusting anyone now and I can clearly see
that I cannot enjoy the little things that I used to. I stopped talking to her and only responding with yes/no answers when needed. 
 

The whole thing seems odd - she came to you of her own volition and admitted an affair? It doesn’t sound like it was emotional if there were “intimate actions” even if there was no sex. I’m assuming kissing and fondling. Did he dump her and threaten to tell you(the spouse)? Was she planning on leaving the marriage for him?

My view on a person regardless would change anyway and I wouldn’t seek to bend or twist the way I feel. Or try to convince myself to be with a person I’m not comfortable with. You may not have accepted that she cheated and are in denial. You both may have reconciled too quickly in a need to get things back to “normal” in your daily married lives. 

I suggest speaking with a therapist in private and getting all your thoughts out. I’m guessing there’s little to no intimacy, physical or emotional in your marriage, so how do you expect this to last or grow? You haven’t done anything wrong so why are you quietly bottling this up? Your confidence seems to be shattered so talk about that as well. Do you trust her now or ever? Are there or will there always be moments where you distrust what she’s thinking or doing? You’ll have to decide whether you want to keep reliving this or whether there’s anything there worth repairing - only YOU decide that. Ultimately it’s your life so try being more assertive that way.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, suckslife said:

Sometimes I feel very positive and want to forget the past, put everything behind and just think about the future, but the next minute my mind is haunted

I am going through a roller-coaster of completely contrast feelings / emotions which is giving me immense pain.

Sometimes I feel if there is another person within me. How can I have complete contrast thoughts within minutes?

Posting in this forum for the first time hoping to use your wisdom to make myself feel better. Appreciate your response.

I don't know if this will help you feel better or not, but you should understand that our brains have a (semi) modular functional structure to them. So, the infidelity is "triggering" regions of your brain that cause these intense negative feelings and distrust. Meanwhile, other parts of your brain are trying to "make it work" "be understanding" and the various contrasting emotions, based on positive things you still do get from the relationship.

So, you could do some reflecting on how our brains our structured, which was impacted by evolution and how things like a strong desire to maintain/stay in a relationship vs. a strong desire to "be done with" a cheating partner are in part a function of how your brain is built. So, it's quite possible for you to have these strong conflicting feelings, and, in some ways, it's for better or worse just what biology intended.

Ultimately, while the above might be helpful in taking a step back from the raw emotions, it doesn't change what will probably be your next major step. You'll probably end up deciding IF you still trust your wife, and IF you do, then can you handle continuing a relationship with her despite the negative feelings.

It's likely the negative emotions will reduce in frequency/intensity eventually, but these things tend to take quite a bit longer than we'd like.

Edited November 20, 2022 by mark clemson

[Broken_2018]

Been through the same thing as you, pretty much exactly except the friend part. I suffered for 3 years after I found out. I decided I couldn't continue living in a sham of a marriage. I don't care what you do or what she does, there is NO FIXING IT. You will NEVER look at your wife the same. You will NEVER feel the same about her. You will NEVER love her the same, if at all. She will NEVER be special to you again. I gave up 25 years or my life for someone that was not worth it in the end. I was not about to settle for something less than what I deserved, because of something two pieces of trash decided to do. After the divorce I felt a tremendous relief, but the ache and pain of what I was put through remains until this day, 5 years later. 

BTW: Don't believe that they didn't have sex. Two consenting adults don't get together to make out and play patty cake like teenagers. Adults that have affairs [have sex] with every opportunity. Trust me this so called "friend" didn't go through all this just to end up with blue balls.

Edited November 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  I've heard other men in your position say they just can't get over the mind movies of their wives with the other man and that is why they end up divorcing their wives.  It's not easy to leave everything you've built together and to dissappoint the kids.   At least she told you which a lot of women wouldn't have done.  Was the other man married too?

[health]

22 hours ago, suckslife said:

I have been married for 15 years with two kids. Like most, I always thought our marriage is strong and we have
a special bond until around 15 months ago my wife admitted that she had an emotional affair with one of my friends.
They did not have sex, but they did indulge in some intimate actions.
My world turned upside down ever since I heard this. I feel betrayed not only by my wife but also from her AP whom I treated as
a good friend and had respect for. When I go back to all our family get togethers I could connect the dots and see why they have
a different behavior, I feel very insulting and pity about myself.
Its more than a year now since I know about this, but there was not even a minute I stopped thinking about this. It's hard to 
digest that she turned out to be completely different person that I know. I do not feel like trusting anyone now and I can clearly see
that I cannot enjoy the little things that I used to. I stopped talking to her and only responding with yes/no answers when needed. 

She was tearful and repentant and blamed herself for doing this and she is doing everything that she could to make me feel better, but its only
me who cannot trust her anymore. Sometimes I feel very positive and want to forget the past, put everything behind and just think about the future,
but the next minute my mind is haunted with the images of the details that she provided me earlier.

I am going through a roller-coaster of completely contrast feelings / emotions which is giving me immense pain.
Sometimes I feel if there is another person within me. How can I have complete contrast thoughts within minutes?

Posting in this forum for the first time hoping to use your wisdom to make myself feel better. Appreciate your response.
 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I speak from a 5 year+ and 1 year 7 month relationship experience. Both passionate with beautiful women.

My views are this 

1. You CAN heal and make your relationship better from this. Only if she completely cuts off all contact from her affair partner and you both go to therapy. Her as to why she did it, you as to why you'd accept it.

2. Once a cheater not always a cheater. However - if someone strays 2+ times leave them.

I just left my girlfriend of 1 year 7 months. I broke up with her cause she was hanging with a cocaine addict. Left her, they got together, broke up. I took her back months after. She stayed in contact with him, and I caught her texting over 10 other dudes sexual things and saying she's single - when my father was on his death bed.

She just recently texted a guy that she would give him a "sexy dance" as an exchange for him buying her clothes.

That was the final straw and she's out!

I got her pregnant - luckily she got the abortion pill through and through to completion. While pregnant she said she'd leave the kid to me and make my life a living hell.

The coke addict's family is destroyed and he's going to jail for assault now for beating up his new girl.

I left her. I never cheated on a girl in my life. I gave her multiple chances. She couldn't stop not talking and meeting other guys.

She even wanted to move in with me where I cover all bills and give her the $200 monthly I spent on her. Didn't happen. We agreed to buy a surveillance camera for my place as a trust measure. There was no trust. Relationships are based on trust.

I dodged a bullet.

I am angry, hurt and scared. Scary how after I healed from a past relationship - I still found a monster. It's on me though and I'm committed to healing.

I wish you the best. Try not to live in anger, hurt or fear. Forgive her regardless. Your relationship is dead. If you want to build a new one with her it's just that - completely new. Best of luck.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, suckslife said:

Its more than a year now since I know about this,  I stopped talking to her and only responding with yes/no answers when needed. 

You will have to decide what you want from this. The silent treatment for a year isn't going to help you. In fact she may already be speaking to attorneys about that.

You can punish her all you want but that is not doing you or your children any good.

Why did this come out 14 Years after it happened?

 

Edited November 21, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

When did this affair occur, OP?

[PotatoHead]

OP I am very sorry to hear about your situation.  It resonated with me because you described very accurately how I have felt each time after having my trust broken, both by my ex wife and current GF.

I don't have a lot of advice, because it is a constant and long term struggle.  But I can tell you that it does get better in time.  Probably years, especially if you are still trying to stay with this person.  It heals much more quickly if you decide to move on and are able to find someone new, but you have to decide whether it is worth going through the pain and the work required to stay together.

[Will am I]

I’ve been on the other end of a somewhat similar situation.

 

Two thoughts.

 

One: it takes a conscious decision and a big shared effort to put this kind of thing behind you.

Did you make that conscious decision to forgive her? And are you and your wife making that joint effort to build a better marriage where you will be all into her and she will be all into you? Did you consider involving a couples counselor?

This is an effort with consequences. If you give it your all but do not succeed in putting the situation behind you, your best option will be to work towards peaceful termination of the marriage.

 

Two: about the word “emotional affair”. Commonly used for affairs where there is no actual physical sexual contact.

I used that term too, until I was set straight by a counselor on a podcast that I listen to. She classified five types of affairs and I found out retroactively that mine should have been classified as a romantic love affair.

Emotional affairs are not all affairs without actual physical sex. Emotional affairs are essentially strong friendly connections which develop a sense of uniqueness and some romantic attraction.

[pepperbird2]

op,

don't beat yourself up over this what you are experiencing is normal human reaction. You touch the flame, find out it's hot and learn to be more careful in the future. She was dishonest, hurt you so of course you're going to be in self protection mode.

The problem is, that's not good for you or your kids. If living in your home is like walking on eggshells, it's goign to have consequences.

I've been where you are ( but it was a bit worse) , and you can recover. The thing is, that will require your wife to take responsibility for her actions. No " yes, I did this, but you did x, y or z". That's deflection, and shows she has little understanding of what she's done. Some people who cheat can do this but if she can't, or if she's trying to turn it around and blame you, I'd consider divorce.

Either way, I'd talk to a lawyer, find out what my rights/responsibilities are and I'd also talk to a therapist. The more knowledge you have, the better decision you can make