He broke up with me after I caught him cheating.

[Lifegoeson12]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What has he done?

Exactly, and nor would they be on a dating app window-shopping for the next woman. This man does not love you. It hurts a lot now, but this was not the relationship you thought it was or wanted it to be. 

He’s downloaded a dating app at the start of the relationship, I let it slide as we were still early days. We had made plans to go to a gig, he said he didn’t want to go so I said that was fine he changed his mind and went without me even though we made plans for that day. 

[bene]

4 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

He said I had bad breath, my nose wasn’t even and so on.

This is just ridiculous. People are usually at their best behavior in the first months of dating. This is his true colors starting to show.

One day you’ll look back and laugh about it. 

[Lifegoeson12]

10 minutes ago, bene said:

This is just ridiculous. People are usually at their best behavior in the first months of dating. This is his true colors starting to show.

One day you’ll look back and laugh about it. 

Yeah I don’t know why he said it, pretty sure he was trying to make me self conscious 

[Calmandfocused]

2 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

Maybe I did make mistakes and maybe my breath was bad and my nose isn’t perfect but how can someone say those things to someone they say they loved. Why not just say we’re done keep them to yourself and move on. 
 

I’m now doubting looks and my breath, I’m doubting if I’m high strung and everything else he said.

No No No.

Please do not for one second question whether what he told you about yourself is true. 
 

The things he said were nasty and cruel. That says a lot about him and nothing about you. Nice people are not nasty and cruel. 
 

Think about it. If you are indeed the hideous creature he says you are, and he stayed with you for 6 months what does it say about him? 
 

Be hurt for his cruelty and his mistreatment of you, But don’t for a second question yourself or blame yourself for his behaviour. That’s on him. 
 

Don’t let anything he said threaten your self esteem. 
 

I can 100% guarantee there is nothing wrong with you nostrils. And what the dickens has this got to do with him being on dating apps in any event? 
 

He’s a nasty piece of work, 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

Yeah I don’t know why he said it, pretty sure he was trying to make me self conscious 

Even though he may have been nice at times, this is dirtbag behavior. Forget what he said, it's like the schoolyard bully calling you names.

[Lifegoeson12]

9 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

No No No.

Please do not for one second question whether what he told you about yourself is true. 
 

The things he said were nasty and cruel. That says a lot about him and nothing about you. Nice people are not nasty and cruel. 
 

Think about it. If you are indeed the hideous creature he says you are, and he stayed with you for 6 months what does it say about him? 
 

Be hurt for his cruelty and his mistreatment of you, But don’t for a second question yourself or blame yourself for his behaviour. That’s on him. 
 

Don’t let anything he said threaten your self esteem. 
 

I can 100% guarantee there is nothing wrong with you nostrils. And what the dickens has this got to do with him being on dating apps in any event? 
 

He’s a nasty piece of work, 

Thank you very much. 
 

I know once I mentioned the app he started to say we needed to have a discussion about the relationship and the future of it and I asked what? And that’s when he went into commenting on my looks and breath, personality etc 

[Lifegoeson12]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Even though he may have been nice at times, this is dirtbag behavior. Forget what he said, it's like the schoolyard bully calling you names.

I agree, but maybe he was being serious and was just curious why my nose wasn’t even or was to worried to say that my breath was bad. What if I’m totally overreacting. He did say them and it wasn’t in a great context and I do think it was meant to get at me and my looks but what if he didn’t mean them in a bad way 

[NuevoYorko]

35 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I agree, but maybe he was being serious and was just curious why my nose wasn’t even or was to worried to say that my breath was bad. What if I’m totally overreacting. He did say them and it wasn’t in a great context and I do think it was meant to get at me and my looks but what if he didn’t mean them in a bad way 

Oh.   So as long as his profoundly rude, insulting and mean comments were meant in benign ways (like that's even possible) you are OK with having a "boyfriend" who is reaching out to women on dating apps?  Okay.  Have a blast.  Bye.  

[Lifegoeson12]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

Oh.   So as long as his profoundly rude, insulting and mean comments were meant in benign ways (like that's even possible) you are OK with having a "boyfriend" who is reaching out to women on dating apps?  Okay.  Have a blast.  Bye.  

No of course I’m not, I’m done with it I’m just trying to wrap my head around it all. Looking through the messages he was being an ahole 

He also said I made him never want to get married and that he have zero in common. All of this comes as a shock as he said he knew how he would propose to me, he said he loved how creative I was etc and now everything about me is being thrown back in my face. 
 

I know he meant it in a bad way, I was just putting it out there that maybe I overreacted to seeing him say that stuff but I see I didn’t going by the replies on here. 

[NuevoYorko]

Do you honestly believe that there is any world where the things he said to you would be acceptable to anyone with an iota of self esteem?  No.  

He wants to be free and is too cowardly to break it off with you like an adult, standup kind of man would.   

As an aside, a healthy relationship would never be possible with a person who fights dirty like this just to get their own way and relieve themselves of any responsibilities.   Truly a bottom feeder.

I challenge you to examine why you've chosen to overlook all the red flags that you've noticed since you've been with him.   You don't see it now, but he's done you a big favor by cheating and getting caught, and also by being such an a** that you probably won't be able to pretend that it's all OK, even though you seem to be spending most of this thread doing just that.

[Lifegoeson12]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Do you honestly believe that there is any world where the things he said to you would be acceptable to anyone with an iota of self esteem?  No.  

He wants to be free and is too cowardly to break it off with you like an adult, standup kind of man would.   

As an aside, a healthy relationship would never be possible with a person who fights dirty like this just to get their own way and relieve themselves of any responsibilities.   Truly a bottom feeder.

I challenge you to examine why you've chosen to overlook all the red flags that you've noticed since you've been with him.   You don't see it now, but he's done you a big favor by cheating and getting caught, and also by being such an a** that you probably won't be able to pretend that it's all OK, even though you seem to be spending most of this thread doing just that.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. He is an ass, he didn’t handle it well and rather than sit down and talk to me, he could’ve waited to say those thing to me in person. He went off on one at me. 
 

I 100% agree with you, I just was shocked by how someone so sweet and kind can turn so nasty and mean especially as i didn’t do anything wrong he did. I see that he’s deflecting and putting it all on me. I’ve looked over the messages and he blames me for it all and takes no responsibility. 
 

So you are definitely right in what you’ve said. I was afraid I was being paranoid so I over looked the other red flags. 
 

I also told him I wouldn’t be happy with him and his friend driving across Europe for 3 months I said this to him a few weeks back and he said it wasn’t finalised and he didn’t think it would happen. And he through that back in my face because I said it was way too long of a trip and today he revealed it’s already been planned. 
 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I didn’t get my friend involved she saw him on her profile and told me. I asked her to message him to see if he would reply to which he did, that’s all. 
 

I understand that I’m just hurt because of the immediate switch from loving to mean and then picking out my flaws and throwing them back in my face. I wouldn’t mind even when I texted him about being on the app I wasn’t rude or angry I just asked what’s up? Why is he using a dating app. 

 

he dated you out of convenience…but he was looking for better options.  When he was caught he blamed you. 

[BaileyB]

The most unfortunate thing here is that by ending the relationship himself, he has denied you the opportunity and the pleasure of kicking his behind to the curb! 

Don’t get hung up on thinking that he has somehow changed in the past 24 hours… character tends not to change in this way. 

He got caught, and he is attempting to deflect the blame. That’s all. 

Edited November 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

@Lifegoeson12, if you seek understanding about why people (both men and women to be fair) do what they do, behave and react in bizarre confusing ways, gaslight, blame-shift, stonewall, etc, pick up some good books written by reputable authors (therapists, psychologists) read and learn.

To me it's obvious why he's blame shifting.

The main reason being he's a coward, extremely immature and hasn't yet learned how to manage his emotions (both positive and negative) in a healthy constructive way.

Very similar to how a young boy in grammar school would act towards his young female classmates upon reaching  puberty -- calling them nasty names and saying other mean things aimed to hurt, make them cry, I once had a boy dunk my head underwater at the pool for a long time; lord have mercy I nearly  drowned from that!

Said to parents he was just "playing," however apparently he hated me because I brought out negative emotions in him he had no idea how to manage which is understandable at 12 years old but your boyfriend is a grown man for chrissskes!

Grow the hell up, lord. 

What is it you fund appealing about this?  He's a man-child in the nth degree, and I implore you to take steps to become emotionally healthy yourself so you won't be drawn into such toxicity and dysfunction.

He's an absolute mess. 

Take steps to extricate him from your consciousness immediately, be thankful this happened, learn from it and move on.  😀

 

 

 

Edited November 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I understand that I’m just hurt because of the immediate switch from loving to mean and then picking out my flaws and throwing them back in my face.

Some people "flip" emotionally at a break up - it's far from unheard of. For some it's apparently a sort of psychological defense mechanism - they can't be bad (in their minds) - so you must be. And they act the part a bit to help sell this to themselves. Others may have tendencies towards a personality disorder [ ]  where switching other people from good to bad quickly in their minds is part of their issue.

There are probably some other possible drivers as well, such as issues with their family growing up/learned behaviors, etc.

At any rate, you've seen how he is, some form of this may have been inevitable, and you have a clear and easy path ahead of you, which is to be done with him and move on.

Edited November 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
armchair diagnosis

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

 

 I was afraid I was being paranoid so I over looked the other red flags. 

You didn't.  You started 2 or 3 threads on them,  got a lot of input from people here, and then decided to ignore it all.  The red flags are your best friends.  The whole point of dating is to get to know the real person and learn whether they'll be a good fit for us.   Not to somehow make it all OK no matter what information is coming your way.   

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

You started 2 or 3 threads on them,  got a lot of input from people here, and then decided to ignore it all. 

This. 

OP, you need to do a better job looking out for yourself. Have you had a boyfriend before? Because you seemed determined to hang on to this one, despite seeing warning signs early on. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

. I was afraid I was being paranoid so I over looked the other red flags.

Unfortunately there's such a thing as too much benefit of the doubt. In this case he was standing you up to be with "friends" so at some level you knew it was time for it to come to a head.

Unfortunately he seems like a 2 y/o in a grown man's body. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps 

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

How is it, that I caught him on a hook up app but now the blame is all on me for the relationship ending. 

It's called projecting. 

HH got caught so he's turning it all on him to justify his behaviour.

There is no justification for cheating and for the way he spoke to you.

Don't answer his text about meeting.

Block his number.

[Lifegoeson12]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

You didn't.  You started 2 or 3 threads on them,  got a lot of input from people here, and then decided to ignore it all.  The red flags are your best friends.  The whole point of dating is to get to know the real person and learn whether they'll be a good fit for us.   Not to somehow make it all OK no matter what information is coming your way.   

I agree I should’ve seen it. I just really wanted it to work out and I was trying to get give him a chance he’s never been in a relationship before so I think I used that as an excuse for some of his shitty behaviour. 

[Lifegoeson12]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This. 

OP, you need to do a better job looking out for yourself. Have you had a boyfriend before? Because you seemed determined to hang on to this one, despite seeing warning signs early on. 

Yes I have, most have turned out be asses but with him yes he did have his red flags but otherwise he was good and I really wanted it to work out, everyone kept telling me how nice of a guy he was etc so I think it made me over look some of those things because I constantly heard how good he was for me. 

[Lifegoeson12]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there's such a thing as too much benefit of the doubt. In this case he was standing you up to be with "friends" so at some level you knew it was time for it to come to a head.

Unfortunately he seems like a 2 y/o in a grown man's body. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps 

Yeah, I have to say he was very childish at the end. I barely slept last night revisiting everything about the relationship and I’m disgusted at how handled it and rather than sit down and discuss any issues and see if we can resolve them or move on he threw them in my face via text and put all the blame on me. 
 

I think that’s why I have no interest in meeting him, because his behaviour to me was disgusting at the end. I don’t understand why he threw it all back in my face and just didn’t saw we can meet this evening to discuss ect. It was as if he was angry he got caught so he had to blame me for him Being on the app.

Also my friend spotted him on Bumble today. Less than 24hrs and he’s back on a dating app. Which shows how much I really meant 

[Lifegoeson12]

59 minutes ago, JTSW said:

It's called projecting. 

HH got caught so he's turning it all on him to justify his behaviour.

There is no justification for cheating and for the way he spoke to you.

Don't answer his text about meeting.

Block his number.

I 100% agree. I just don’t get why he turned on me so quickly. Yes I caught him on a dating app and even then I handled it calmly no name calling or anything mean and then he launched into a full blown attack about what’s wrong with me and that xyz are the reasons we broke up all of which are my fault 

[Lifegoeson12]

It’s annoying in general because all the issues he listed had he just talked to me in a nice way it could’ve been resolved. 

He never gave me the chance to show him they could be sorted instead he went into we don’t have anything In common, you don’t trust me bla bla bla. 
 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

He never gave me the chance to show him..  

Try to view this as a bullet dodged rather than wondering why it didn't work out. The relationship had red flags all along. Be in control. Be the chooser not the chosen .