Amanda92 Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 I don't treat this topic very seriously, just want to talk to someone and ask if someone have similar experience. I'm very pretty, but not very social and I don' have luck in love - every even the most lovely in the beginning guy, turns out to be emotionally unavailable. My therapist was trying to figure out if I choose wrong guys and reject good guys or maybe my behavior makes guys keep distance because I don't open myself. Well, I don't know, but definitely I know that I have a problem with overthinking. Currently I text with guys on Bumble, but don't have too much expectations since my last boyfriend has hurt me and I stop believing in finding love. Usually it's just nice to text, but not good enough to meet (or maybe I'm still not ready after my ex.) Several days ago I matched with a very handsome guy. His profile is just perfect - the same goals and interest, seem to be very calm, so it's not only this appearance. He started with a very lovely compliment about my values. This plus looking at his pictures gave me butterflies! Really, I haven't feel it so long, but feel crazy having butterflies after looking at pictures. My first thought was "he is too handsome to make it work, he'll lose interest after several messages". He doesn't text too much, so when I noticed it, I was like "oh, I knew we won't even meet, all hot guys just collect matches". When he sent me a message I felt so stressed because I thought he stopped texting me and this thought was actually a relief for me. I complained to him that he doesn't answer too fast (I guess I wanted to sabotage it to make him stop texting me because I wanted this stress too end). He just asked to exchange phone numbers and he text more now, but getting every message makes me so nervous and I have butterflies that makes me so stressed I hesitate to answer him because I would like this tension to end! I stop behaving natural - I wait long to answer a message, read it 10 times before sending and I'm just not myself. I was like this years ago before I had any experience with guys. Then I was quite good at texting and talking, I was more confident, but I still don't feel good after the last breakup. I'm wondering if I try to sabotage it because it would be too beautiful to be true or maybe my intuition is right that he may hurt be and I feel that he is not that interested. I just have this weird feeling that he is trouble and I already like him too much, what means he may hurt me in the future, so it's better to end it now. Have you ever felt this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 49 minutes ago, Amanda92 said: I'm wondering if I try to sabotage it because it would be too beautiful to be true or maybe my intuition is right that he may hurt be and I feel that he is not that interested. I just have this weird feeling that he is trouble and I already like him too much, what means he may hurt me in the future, so it's better to end it now. Have faith in yourself and just meet for coffee/a drink. That way you're not getting nervous about or investing in someone you never met. Don't make him jump through hoops just to sabotage it, if you feel unprepared to date again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 Yes, you definitely like him too much already - his looks are only skin deep and this is what you're obsessing over. And you don't know him well enough to make comments such as it being too beautiful to be true. Meanwhile, anyone you date could end up hurting you in the future. Anyone you date could end up being trouble - and he's no exception All in all, he's just a guy. So hit yourself over the head with the 'sensible stick', stop focusing on the shallow part of him and move ahead like you would any other guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 So I have to ask....are you always passive/aggressive to get attention when you don't receive attention? If so that would explain why guys lose interest and become emotionally unavailable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 (edited) How in the heck does a person know anything real about you or your values from a Bumble profile? And why do you think that this guy would "be too beautiful to be true"? You haven't met him. It's a freaking dating profile. In any case, if you continue to play weird games with the texting, if he's really a decent man he has plenty of options and will choose women who don't play games like that. If this is too much for you to handle [ ] right now, maybe it's not time for you to be dating. Otherwise just meet him. Both of you will need to get to see and interact with each other in real life. The profiles are super easy to fake, as I'm sure you know by now. Edited November 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 You don't know enough about him to judge if he's too good to be true. He might be the biggest jerk walking on the earth. My mom always said beauty won't put dinner on the table, concentrate on discovering his inner qualities. If he wants to get to know you then you're what he likes, period. Don't question it. My new boyfriend is 8 years younger, he's so gorgeous, he's smart, sucessful, athletic and for some reason only him understands he wants ME with all my flaws! Do l question it? Heck no!! Lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 You definitely overthink things way too much. Dating really shouldn’t be this complicated… 3 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, Amanda92 said: I'm very pretty... Amanda92, I hope you don't take offense to this, but I think you place too much value on looks - yours and the men you meet. Looks are important but as you've discovered, NOT the most important otherwise you would not be getting dumped as often as you do. I realize this sounds hurtful and I'm sorry for saying that, but I'm truly trying to help based on what I myself have learned over the years. This new man, you know absolutely nothing about him other than his appearance yet you've assigned qualities to him that render him some sort of Superman in your eyes or something. Someone to fear rather than a mortal man to talk to, meet and possibly date.. I also think you might rely on your looks too much as well, which is preventing you from looking within, and striving to achieve internal validation from within (which is something I'm working on myself if I'm honest) and determining why it is men are initially attracted to you but then reject you and hurt you. I am glad you're in therapy and hope you will continue. With the way you feel now, consider whether you're actually ready to date. Perhaps there's a bit more internal work to be done before you get to healthy place where you don't feel so much stress and want to self-sabotage. I've been there too and understand. Good luck! Edited November 21, 2022 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 If texting stresses you out this much, no, you are not ready to date yet. Unplug. Stay off the apps, and keep working with your therapist on restoring your self-worth. Then try dating. You are going to make a mess of it otherwise, Amanda. And stop focusing on appearances so much. You're too wrapped up in them, yours and theirs. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 13 hours ago, Amanda92 said: I complained to him that he doesn't answer too fast Has he suggested meeting? Keep in mind a lot of scammers and catfish use fake pics. Stop giving out info such as your phone number. If he won't meet in person in a timely fashion, delete and block him. Be careful not to get engrossed in pics and profiles rather than real life men who are interested in meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 (edited) The normal thing to say is to get over your fear and meet him, but you've already given him way too much room in your head. When I worked in advertising and marketing years ago, I met new people every month. In time, it tastes like blueberry cheesecake, if you like blueberry cheesecake. If you are lactose intolerant, then a different metaphor may work for you. Fear is largely a result of trying to appear impressive when we meet new people. This makes us appear fearful, not impressive. Let go of your notion of him. Having had a few negative encounters in the past, you are a little wary. Re-enter the dating scene with a plan in place. What qualities do you seek in a partner? What are your deal breakers and red flags? Do not give all your attention to men who seem mildly or overly interested in you. Keeping things moving at a reasonable pace requires sustained and consistent interest, so flaky/disinterested behavior is out. I would say set your standard and stick to it. However charming or tempting someone may seem, you know it is just a one-night kissing frog but that is one fleeting night or moment. You prioritize yourself and make sure people are meeting your standards before you give them the perks of your time, energy and effort. Edited November 21, 2022 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 16 hours ago, Amanda92 said: Currently I text with guys on Bumble, but don't have too much expectations since my last boyfriend has hurt me and I stop believing in finding love. You’ll have to work on this unfortunately. Tell your therapist this. It sounds like you don’t believe in love and are going through the motions or using the app as a distraction. When was the break up with your ex? It doesn’t seem you’re ready to date if you’re not genuine about your thoughts/actions, fearful and sabotaging each interaction. He’s no different from you, the next person or anyone else you’ll meet. And don’t focus so much on looks and photos. It’s been a few days - has he asked you out? If the answer is no, he’s wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 (edited) 20 hours ago, Amanda92 said: I just have this weird feeling that he is trouble and I already like him too much, what means he may hurt me in the future, so it's better to end it now. Perhaps you should look for a guy who doesn't make you as nervous. It might seem like settling, but clearly you're going around in mental circles with this current guy. From what I understand, the super-intense relationships have a tendency to burn out relatively quickly anyhow and the kind of anxiety and hyper-emotionality (for lack of a better word) that you seem to be experiencing may be one reason why. It's "too much" and you are already having doubts when nothing has even started. Edited November 21, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 This is the kind of question you want to pose with your therapist. Clearly, something is going on that is interfering with you finding reasonably happy relationships. Something is up that you feel powerless. Most likely you're bonding too soon, too quickly, which always causes problems. So you need a therapist (and maybe a different one) who you can think through what's going on exactly in this moment here. Your issues are deeper than the sorta issues that benefit from advice of strangers. That's not an insult--I had to do some serious therapy work to correct how I was dating. Post this with your therapist---the therapist needs to see how you think in real time when it comes to dating. Oh, get rid of the word "overthinking." I sense some really bad thinking going on (that you are helpless). But not "overthinking"--whatever that means. Some good thinking is to know that you cannot trust an online profile, and if you find yourself getting really emotionally attached, then you are doing it (dating) wrong. One, people in person look different than they do in photos. Sometimes they look better in person--lots of times not as good as they look in photos. And you can't tell about someone's values based on a text exchange. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 On 11/21/2022 at 6:22 AM, Amanda92 said: My therapist was trying to figure out if I choose wrong guys and reject good guys or maybe my behavior makes guys keep distance because I don't open myself. I feel like you've been holding back with your therapist, because from this angle it's clear the cause is both of these things: Your posting history shows you have a clear fixation with appearance (both your own and the appearance of men) and that you admit you can be distant and guys simply can't connect with you. Have you been frank with your therapist about all the stuff we've told you in advice? Meanwhile, you recently said that you *may* open up to dating divorced guys (good for you!) but on another recent thread, you were worried that a guy hadn't had any long term relationships. Do you see that this contradiction also rules out many men? You've established numerous conversations here discussing these issues and a lot of us have give you advice. Has any of it been of any use to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Maldives Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 (edited) On 11/21/2022 at 5:22 AM, Amanda92 said: I don't treat this topic very seriously, just want to talk to someone and ask if someone have similar experience. I'm very pretty, but not very social and I don' have luck in love - every even the most lovely in the beginning guy, turns out to be emotionally unavailable. My therapist was trying to figure out if I choose wrong guys and reject good guys or maybe my behavior makes guys keep distance because I don't open myself. Well, I don't know, but definitely I know that I have a problem with overthinking. Currently I text with guys on Bumble, but don't have too much expectations since my last boyfriend has hurt me and I stop believing in finding love. Usually it's just nice to text, but not good enough to meet (or maybe I'm still not ready after my ex.) Several days ago I matched with a very handsome guy. His profile is just perfect - the same goals and interest, seem to be very calm, so it's not only this appearance. He started with a very lovely compliment about my values. This plus looking at his pictures gave me butterflies! Really, I haven't feel it so long, but feel crazy having butterflies after looking at pictures. My first thought was "he is too handsome to make it work, he'll lose interest after several messages". He doesn't text too much, so when I noticed it, I was like "oh, I knew we won't even meet, all hot guys just collect matches". When he sent me a message I felt so stressed because I thought he stopped texting me and this thought was actually a relief for me. I complained to him that he doesn't answer too fast (I guess I wanted to sabotage it to make him stop texting me because I wanted this stress too end). He just asked to exchange phone numbers and he text more now, but getting every message makes me so nervous and I have butterflies that makes me so stressed I hesitate to answer him because I would like this tension to end! I stop behaving natural - I wait long to answer a message, read it 10 times before sending and I'm just not myself. I was like this years ago before I had any experience with guys. Then I was quite good at texting and talking, I was more confident, but I still don't feel good after the last breakup. I'm wondering if I try to sabotage it because it would be too beautiful to be true or maybe my intuition is right that he may hurt be and I feel that he is not that interested. I just have this weird feeling that he is trouble and I already like him too much, what means he may hurt me in the future, so it's better to end it now. Have you ever felt this way? I think you're trying to sabotage it and you're way overthinking it. You don't know him. You've got to get to know him first. That's a risk. Whether you like it or not, you have to open up your self and take a risk even if it doesn't work out your self sabotaging. It's actually very easy to see the way you're doing this. Just reading your post Edited November 21, 2022 by Goodguy05 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 On 11/20/2022 at 2:22 PM, Amanda92 said: He just asked to exchange phone numbers and he text more now, If he's not asking you to meet, he's not interested. Just move forward, but only if you are ready willing and able to meet and date. Consider paid relationship focused dating apps to get better screening tools and cut down wear and tear from timewasters who just collect numbers. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 (edited) Do HIM a favour and end it. He deserves someone who is ready for dating and will not sabotage the relationship. You are not ready. You have too many passive aggressive issues. You need a therapist, not a date. Edited November 22, 2022 by JTSW Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 On 11/20/2022 at 8:25 PM, poppyfields said: I also think you might rely on your looks too much as well, which is preventing you from looking within, and striving to achieve internal validation from within (which is something I'm working on myself if I'm honest) and determining why it is men are initially attracted to you but then reject you and hurt you. I agree with this. There are tons of "pretty" women out there so you have to have something other than looks to keep a guy interested. Sure, if you are drop dead gorgeous you'll have them, but those women are few and far between. Also if you're just going for really handsome men know that they are used to dating pretty women so they aren't going to be as impressed by looks as a regular guy. Personality is key. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 22, 2022 Share Posted November 22, 2022 @Amanda92 when you're dating a new guy, are you warm and engaging? If you feel you're vibing well with a guy, can you make him laugh? Link to post Share on other sites
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