Feeling alone and tired

[GeekyAlex]

Hey Everyone. 

Sorry for bothering you all.

I am really struggling at the moment with my relationship, for years we have been having difficulties of not being equal. I went to college and got myself a good job thinking that would help things because then I am earning so will be more of an equal, but things haven't changed now I have a full time job and have to do everything  round the house, and still it's not equal. I just feel so tired with fighting to save this marriage and so tired of all the let's give it one more go. I just feel like I don't want to be with her anymore. all I want is for her to be happy and I think that I am not the right person to do that. 

it's her way or no way, and it's all about her. I know as a guy that there is this stigma to man up and I can deal with everything but now and again I would just like to know that they have my back and if I want to vent they are there to listen but I don't get that, I don't know what to do for the best because she wants to stay together 

[NuevoYorko]

Why do you have to do all the work in hopes of being "more of an equal"?  In what ways are you feeling "less than" your wife?  
 

[GeekyAlex]

oh sorry, it's the way I explained it, I felt like I had to get a good paying job to feel like an equal, that if I was earning she would then listen to me and take my opinions especially when it comes to when it comes to home improvements or what to do with the pets 

If that makes sense  

[Els]

Doubt anyone can help you without more details. What exactly is going on with the pets and the home improvement?

Quote

for years we have been having difficulties of not being equal. I went to college and got myself a good job thinking that would help things because then I am earning so will be more of an equal, but things haven't changed now I have a full time job and have to do everything  round the house, and still it's not equal

Err, does that mean that you were unemployed for years before that?

What chores do you do around the house and what does she do? What happens if you just leave half of the housework to her? How many hours a week do you both work? What's the financial contributions like?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, GeekyAlex said:

If I was earning she would then listen to me and take my opinions especially when it comes to when it comes to home improvements or what to do with the pets 

How long have you been married? Do you both work and earn roughly equal? Do you rent or co-own or is it her house? This seems like a power struggle about who does what around the house and what is spent on what. You seem checked out. Are there other reasons for this?

[GeekyAlex]

I just mean that when comes to making decisions it's always what she wants. 

 

I had been working before but it was a part time job, we have tried the splitting up the chores but it works for a bit then it's left to me.

I have also left things to see if she would notice and maybe do it but she doesn't notice it or do anything about it. 

 

We both have similar jobs but she is a senior so gets paid slightly more than I do. We both work the same amount of hours. We have a joint account so our wages just go into that and the bills are paid etc 

 

We have been together almost 10 years.

It's not just about the house work, that is just part of it. When ever we talk she shuts off and stops listening. I just want us to be equal 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

You train the people around you on how you want to be treated by setting boundaries and sticking to them.

You are responsible for your own happiness.  If you are not happy then do something about it.  If she does not listen then it may be time to separate.  This will give you both some time to think about things and to talk in a more neutral setting.

stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself.  You deserve to be happy do you agree?

 

[glows]

It sounds more like a marriage of convenience. Do you think you both got together too quickly? 

She seems checked out and not willing to listen. Is there any part of your day together that isn’t tense? 

Edited November 28, 2022 by glows

[JTSW]

On 11/21/2022 at 4:08 PM, GeekyAlex said:

it's her way or no way, and it's all about her.

That's not how marriage works.

You both have to compromise. You both have to work at it.

You're trying but she isn't.

Things are never going to change and you are only going to get unhappier.

You need to break away from this misery.

I don't think you should stay in this marriage.

[GeekyAlex]

I do agree that I need to be happy. 

 

I think we did it was very quick how things happened at the start. 

she keeps asking what it is she needs to do and I keep telling her but it only stays good for a bit then goes back into the old habits and ways. I suggested counselling before and now she wants to give that a go and want the counsellor to tell her what to do, but I have said what I need, so I don't know what they will tell her that is any different 

Things are just getting worse, I feel like I have to ask permission for everything now and my brother in law was asking if I wanted to go to a rugby game with him on the 17th which I have a ticket for anyway she was asking about it but it was very like she was integrating and it felt like I should of asked first before saying yes 

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, GeekyAlex said:

I do agree that I need to be happy. 

 

I think we did it was very quick how things happened at the start. 

she keeps asking what it is she needs to do and I keep telling her but it only stays good for a bit then goes back into the old habits and ways. I suggested counselling before and now she wants to give that a go and want the counsellor to tell her what to do, but I have said what I need, so I don't know what they will tell her that is any different 

Things are just getting worse, I feel like I have to ask permission for everything now and my brother in law was asking if I wanted to go to a rugby game with him on the 17th which I have a ticket for anyway she was asking about it but it was very like she was integrating and it felt like I should of asked first before saying yes 

This is an abusive marriage.

She is the abuser.

A therapist wont tell her what to do. 

He/she will advise that marriage takes to work. That you both have to compromise. 

I can guarantee that nothing will change.

It's time to get out.

 

[amerikajin]

On 11/21/2022 at 2:22 PM, GeekyAlex said:

I just mean that when comes to making decisions it's always what she wants. 

Because that's what you have accepted, and it kinda became your normal. Not taking shots, just an observation from afar.

 

On 11/21/2022 at 2:22 PM, GeekyAlex said:

I had been working before but it was a part time job, we have tried the splitting up the chores but it works for a bit then it's left to me.

I have also left things to see if she would notice and maybe do it but she doesn't notice it or do anything about it. 

She notices; she just value doing the chores as much as you value them being done. Like if you ask twice, does she do them? 

 

On 11/21/2022 at 2:22 PM, GeekyAlex said:

It's not just about the house work, that is just part of it. When ever we talk she shuts off and stops listening. I just want us to be equal 

So you raise an issue and then she basically checks out after a while? Disrespectful. 

The prognosis isn't good. If you read Gottman one of the things he talks about as being one of *the* predictors is how they interact during conflict. 

[GeekyAlex]

it's not just issues, she checks out when I am talking about everyday stuff. she does it to others, not as much but I am not like the others I am her partner 

she is doing a lot more round the house no which is infuriating because I think she is doing it because she knows I am serious that this is the last straw, like I wasn't serious all the other times. I don't know what to do because if I give it another shot is she just going to go back or she could suprise me and help oh i dont't know 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, GeekyAlex said:

 she is doing a lot more round the house no which is infuriating because I think she is doing it because she knows I am serious that this is the last straw.

Just step back. You need to relax rather than be angry when she does nothing then be  even angrier when she does what you want.

Pick your battles. If she is trying to appease you why are you even more upset? Sadly this is creating a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't dynamic.

[GeekyAlex]

I think I am more annoyed because it's like I have to get to a certain point before she helps. I totally get it because I am like she is doing what you ask, why are you annoyed. 

[Acacia98]

Just listening to you describe what sounds like a one-sided relationship, I feel exhausted.

If I were in your situation, I would leave. I think some people are capable of doing the give-and-take thing and reciprocating in relationships. And some aren't. It's not in their nature and they don't want to try. And so they don't. They basically don't care enough to make the effort.

Ten years is long enough to deal with that attitude and recognize it's not going to change. So if you want more out of a relationship, you're going to have to leave. 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/21/2022 at 11:08 AM, GeekyAlex said:

. I just feel like I don't want to be with her anymore. 

This is an important feeling to reflect on. No amount of housework is going to change that. No amount of setting traps to see if she does this or or that after you tell her to is going to change that.

Even if you two managed the power struggle better and got a cleaning service, more outside help  and other things, it still seems unhappy.

It seems like you are both exhausted and burned out from the lack of finding viable sustainable solutions.

Step back and consider how you really feel and if this is really all about who does which chores.

[glows]

On 11/28/2022 at 2:26 AM, GeekyAlex said:

I do agree that I need to be happy. 

 

I think we did it was very quick how things happened at the start. 

she keeps asking what it is she needs to do and I keep telling her but it only stays good for a bit then goes back into the old habits and ways. I suggested counselling before and now she wants to give that a go and want the counsellor to tell her what to do, but I have said what I need, so I don't know what they will tell her that is any different 

Things are just getting worse, I feel like I have to ask permission for everything now and my brother in law was asking if I wanted to go to a rugby game with him on the 17th which I have a ticket for anyway she was asking about it but it was very like she was integrating and it felt like I should of asked first before saying yes 

You both sound like very different people and completely incompatible. How exactly did it start? Did one of you need a place to stay and then move in? 

When we live with someone we coordinate our time and schedules and our comings and goings affect our partners. It doesn’t seem unreasonable for her to want to know more about the rugby game or checking in with your partner about that day before making plans with friends and family. To be fair you seem checked out and very frustrated with her. 

The way you live is different. Her house may be a complete mess if she was left to herself and you’re wanting her to be a different person. It’s not working because she doesn’t want to change and doesn’t see what’s wrong in your eyes. She’s only doing a bit here and there when she sees you’re extremely frustrated. 

[GeekyAlex]

yeh it happened very quickly I had to move out of my place and she offered 

we used to have so much in common and now it's like we are 2 different people with different opinions etc. the way she lives is totally different from me and i know no one is the same and I am not asking for the world just a little help now and again and someone to talk to 

[glows]

It’s not happening the more you keep finding fault with each other and nitpicking. 

Sometimes the differences are so vast you don’t see eye to eye. You seem checked out and adamant she’s always not helping enough. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, GeekyAlex said:

 I had to move out of my place and she offered 

Can you afford your own place now?  Is the house 100% in her name? Even if you pay rent, if she owned the house before you were married, you don't have much say about the renovations and such things.

What you can do is make a couple of phone calls to attorneys. See if you can get a free consultation/ case review. See what your options are in divorce.

You're not happy. You moved in because of a problem, you knew how she is. Unfortunately, you seem to be looking for changes in her that will never happen on a permanent basis.

Do you have health insurance? Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist so you can privately and confidentiality unpack and sort out the issues.

Since you are so unhappy, the best person to talk to is not her. The best people to talk to are trusted friends and family and the professionals you need to consult .

Edited December 3, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Beachead]

@GeekyAlex

From the way you describe your relationship, it sounds one-sided.  It also sounds like you're burned out from it and you're now void of patience or understanding; ingredients needed to make a relationship work.

Have you bottled your emotions up or tried talking to her about how she makes you feel?  Have you done your best to be clear and open, and truthful?   If so, how has she responded to you?  

Edited December 6, 2022 by Beachead