I asked for his last name and then he stood me up. Did I do or say something wrong?

[mothra]

[ ] I'm the one that messaged him first.  I messaged him at 6am in the morning because I only wanted to message him and didn't want my profile to be seen during rush hour.  He matched me right back about a half hour later, and then I paused my account so my profile wouldn't be seen to the public, but he could still see my profile.  I thought his profile and mine matched well with what we were looking for regarding goals and interests.  I liked our banter, and was really excited to meet him.  I admit anxiety got over me so I asked him for his last name as I didn't want to be ghosted, flaked on, scammed, or whatever the online dating crime is these days.  I thought he would reply back with no issues, but then he responded with the screenshot I provided.  His response was reasonable, so I agreed with him, and we still agreed to meet anyway.  But on the day that we were supposed to meet, he did not message me prior to our meeting like he said he would.  I was getting worried, but I went to our appointment anyway since we already agreed on the time, date and place and we both said "see you then."  I went there and he never showed up.  I messaged him that I was there and just waiting for him, and there was no reply whatsoever. 

Truly disappointed as I thought he was a decent guy according to his profile and our short messages.  I'm new to this dating app and now when I think about it, I should've asked him to do a video call before the meet.  But I doubt that would've changed anything either.  Just don't know what I did wrong. 

[ ] 

Edited November 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
privacy for 3rd party/potentially identifying info

[Ami1uwant]

To many unknowns to conclude that was why.

for a first meet don’t ask for last names. You just meet at a public location.

 

you can talk before deciding to meet face to face.  You don’t want endless talking before dating because you need stuff to talk about.

[Gaeta]

I would never give my last name to someone online l have not met yet, would you? I don't think so. 

Knowing their last name won't keep men from ghosting & flaking. If you don't want to be fraud then don't send money, don't give your full name and date of birth. Simple

Edited November 21, 2022 by Gaeta

[ExpatInItaly]

I also would not have given my last name to someone I have never met. I can't fault him for that. 

And as Gaeta said above, knowing his last name doesn't stop a guy from ghosting. I am not sure why you think it would. Anyway, you don't know what happened here, so I would avoid beating yourself up over it. It could be for a reason unrelated to requesting his surname. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, mothra said:

  I admit anxiety got over me so I asked him for his last name as I didn't want to be ghosted, flaked on, scammed, or whatever the online dating crime is these days.  

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately ghosting and one and done meetings are common.

Asking his last name may have had nothing to do with it.

Always confirm meetings the day of or night before.

If you are worried about being scammed or crime you could use  paid dating apps that verify users identity and at the very least they have a credit card on file to pay. 

Paid apps don't necessarily make perfect matches, but a lot of the burnout like this could be reduced by the screening and filtering processes.

Edited November 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

I think asking for his last name just freaked him out. 

He hadn't met you yet so that probably felt like a red flag to him.

There are so many scammers on dating sites and I've heard far too many horror stories about dates turning into someone getting robbed/attacked to count.

Asking for his surname clearly gave him that kind of vibe.

Think of this as a learning curve.

 

[mothra]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

And as Gaeta said above, knowing his last name doesn't stop a guy from ghosting. I am not sure why you think it would.

I wanted to make sure he was a real person and was hoping he'd reassure me somehow he was, but then I wouldn't give him my first or last name because I explained to him my first name is uncommon, and can easily be found.  I have only gone out with two guys from OLD because I knew they were real.  He sent me a long message explaining what I asked for was unfair, and gave me the options that I can still pick the location if it made me feel more comfortable.  We had a short banter about this afterwards, so I thought we "made up."  I even picked the location, we confirmed the date again, and then no answer or show up from him on the actual date.  Oh well. 

[glows]

I think he saw how anxious you were and decided it wasn’t something he wanted to be involved in.

I would not ever ask for someone’s last name before having met nor would I give out my own. 

It was suggested using a paid dating app. I also suggest screening your matches better. Why are you hiding your profile or worried about “rush hour”? Are you avoiding an ex or someone who may find you?

 

[mothra]

29 minutes ago, glows said:

It was suggested using a paid dating app. I also suggest screening your matches better. Why are you hiding your profile or worried about “rush hour”? Are you avoiding an ex or someone who may find you?

 

What paid app is that?  Just wondering.   I wanted to avoid rush hour because I didn't want my profile to be out there since I specifically sign up just for him.  I saw his profile when I was lurking (with a blank profile), and liked his.  That's when I decided to create a profile with the real me and information, photos, etc.  Then I messaged him and he messaged me back.  I then paused my profile after he messaged me so others wouldn't see me. 

So yes, a lesson for sure.  But so bummed out since I was looking forward to meeting him.  Never got stood up before too, so I was pretty sad afterwards.  Jut wish he had unmatched me instead of standing me up.  Wasn't meant to be I guess.

Edited November 22, 2022 by mothra
removed dating app name

[glows]

You can search them online. I’m not endorsing any sites. It was a suggestion and I think an alternative worth exploring.

Meeting people in person might be more feasible for you too if you’re anxious about anyone seeing your photos. Look at a matchmaking service locally or join interest groups. This kind of truly time consuming and invested fishing and work done for just one match with one guy is not exactly how dating apps work. You’re trying to manipulate the system and use it your way and it’s burning you out.. from just one match. 

Rethink the whole approach. I’d avoid any free dating apps if this is what it takes for you to be interested or feel safe or comfortable. You are clearly not comfortable with the medium.

[mothra]

1 minute ago, glows said:

You can search them online. I’m not endorsing any sites. It was a suggestion and I think an alternative worth exploring.

Meeting people in person might be more feasible for you too if you’re anxious about anyone seeing your photos. Look at a matchmaking service locally or join interest groups. This kind of truly time consuming and invested fishing and work done for just one match with one guy is not exactly how dating apps work. You’re trying to manipulate the system and use it your way and it’s burning you out.. from just one match. 

Rethink the whole approach. I’d avoid any free dating apps if this is what it takes for you to be interested or feel safe or comfortable. You are clearly not comfortable with the medium.

That is true.  OLD is just not for me and I'm not too comfortable with it. 

[Alpacalia]

It came off as a little creepy, OP.

Not that it was your intention, but you made a new profile to speak with him specifically, hidden your profile, and then asked him for his last name.

All sorts of alarm bells would be going off in my head if I were in his shoes.

[mortensorchid]

I think just asking his last name freaked him out.  There have only been a handful of OLDs that I have asked their last names of, and that was because we were seeing each other more than once.  Otherwise just consider it a lesson, another spoke in the wheel, and move on. 

 

[mothra]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

It came off as a little creepy, OP.

Not that it was your intention, but you made a new profile to speak with him specifically, hidden your profile, and then asked him for his last name.

All sorts of alarm bells would be going off in my head if I were in his shoes.

Really?  I thought he'd be flattered if he knew I only joined the app for him?  lol  But adding the last name fiasco does sound suspicious now when I think about it.

[glows]

1 hour ago, mothra said:

That is true.  OLD is just not for me and I'm not too comfortable with it. 

That’s fine. Try something else. Be patient and boost your confidence in healthy ways. Don’t hide behind the wall or online screening. As smart as we want to believe we are we are also dealing with other human beings with a lot of intelligence and also human instinct. People know when others are acting in ways outside the norm or seem unsure or a bit shady. 

I don’t think you mean to come off this way but I do think your approach will turn off a lot of people. They won’t say it to your face or will do it like this guy and then pretend they’re ok with it and slowly back away from you.

[BrianK]

Taking things a little too serious OP.  I "met" a girl like that on a dating site a few years ago, super secretive, hiding pictures/profile, wouldn't meet in town because "she might be seen".  I lost all interest, because there's a reason for all of that behavior 

[introverted1]

6 hours ago, mothra said:

I wouldn't give him my first or last name

I don't agree with standing people up, but I can see why your behavior was off-putting.

[mothra]

21 minutes ago, BrianK said:

Taking things a little too serious OP.  I "met" a girl like that on a dating site a few years ago, super secretive, hiding pictures/profile, wouldn't meet in town because "she might be seen".  I lost all interest, because there's a reason for all of that behavior 

LOL  I guess my reason is because I got stalked by two strangers I encountered in person , and it has creeped me out since then.  The dating app I used doesn't allow an "incognito" mode where I can just privately view and message only the people I want.  I wish all the apps have that option.

Edited November 22, 2022 by mothra

[mothra]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I don't agree with standing people up, but I can see why your behavior was off-putting.

I see it now too when I think about it.  Both our losses, I guess!

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, mothra said:

 I wish all the apps have that option.

Use high quality paid dating apps. Many screen applicants and at least have a credit card on file. Many don't allow messaging if you don't "like" their profile first.

If you are on free/hookup apps, you'll encounter a lot of weirdo like this.

Paid apps won't guarantee a perfect match but they add a layer of safety and credibility, have better features and filtering.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, mothra said:

Really?  I thought he'd be flattered if he knew I only joined the app for him?  lol  But adding the last name fiasco does sound suspicious now when I think about it.

Don't worry about it.

He didn't show. There were no heads up on his part for him not to show. End of that.

If someone stands you up without even as much as a warning call, you should definitely say "Toodle-loo!"

 

 

[glows]

4 hours ago, mothra said:

LOL  I guess my reason is because I got stalked by two strangers I encountered in person , and it has creeped me out since then.  The dating app I used doesn't allow an "incognito" mode where I can just privately view and message only the people I want.  I wish all the apps have that option.

Incredible. I’m sorry to hear that. Don’t wear it like a chip on your shoulder though. Do try something else - leave the free/unpaid or hook up apps. You’re looking to find your match not simply someone who isn’t a stalker or flake. 

What made you think someone was stalking you?

[Alvi]

I don't think you did anything wrong. So, you asked his last name, so what? He said no to that. Big deal. There could be a hundred reasons why he stood you up. And there is a big possibility that it's has nothing to do with you at all. For all you know, he might no even be single. There are plenty of married or partnered guys who go on a dating sites for one reason or another. Some of them never actually meet women in person, it is more like an ego boost for them. He could have at least declined a meeting, instead of just standing you up. So, don't beet yourself up. OK, OK, don't ask the guy's last name next time. Agree to meet in a public space instead. But there is absolutely no guarantee that you are not going to be stood up again no matter what you do or don't do.

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, mothra said:

I wouldn't give him my first or last name because I explained to him my first name is uncommon, and can easily be found.

This is what you did wrong. 

You wanted his info but refused yours.

He saw big red flags.

[smackie9]

Is there anyway to shorten your name? Or use initials like MJ? You can navigate this better. What some people will do is face-time before meeting to make sure they are the real deal.