Convince me to not take my ex girlfriend back based on what she did

[health]

I speak from a 5 year+ and 1 year 7 month relationship experience. Both passionate with beautiful women.

My views are this 

1. You CAN heal and make your relationship better from this. Only if she completely cuts off all contact from her affair partner and you both go to therapy. 

My girl did not work hard at rebuilding trust after forging her 5 times.

2. Once a cheater not always a cheater. However - if someone strays 2+ times leave them.

She says she never physically cheated but I caught her on sugardaddy websites and talking sexually to dudes on other online platforms.

My situation -

I just left my girlfriend of 1 year 7 months. I broke up with her cause she was hanging with a cocaine addict. Left her, they got together, broke up. I took her back months after. She stayed in contact with him, and I caught her texting over 10 other dudes sexual things and saying she's single - when my father was on his death bed.

She just recently texted a guy that she would give him a "sexy dance" as an exchange for him buying her clothes.

That was the final straw and she's out!

I got her pregnant - luckily she got the abortion pill through and through to completion. While pregnant she said she'd leave the kid to me and make my life a living hell.

The coke addict's family is destroyed and he's going to jail for assault now for beating up his new girl.

I left her. I never cheated on a girl in my life. I gave her multiple chances. She couldn't stop not talking and meeting other guys.

She even wanted to move in with me where I cover all bills and give her the $200 monthly I spent on her. Didn't happen. We agreed to buy a surveillance camera for my place as a trust measure. There was no trust. Relationships are based on trust.

I dodged a bullet.

I am angry, hurt and scared. Scary how after I healed from a past relationship - I still found a monster. It's on me though and I'm committed to healing.

1. I have written down over 35 reasons in one year 7 months to leave her. Including - getting a hotel with a guy that she said paid her $1000 "just to hang out and smoke weed" I don't buy that even told her mother. Her Mom flipped out and was in denial saying her daughter just likes to socialize. She went on a sugardaddy website and told a guy while she knew my father was dying that she's single when we were together, and talked sexual to him.

2. I have no STDs thank God. As part of healing what hurts me most is guys telling me to see escorts - when she could have been involved in that world. Both escorts and men who use them - I'm not for. It's against my values. But what kills me is that they get to have sex one way or another - albeit it's fake.

3. I've taken her back 5 times before because she's very beautiful. 

My therapist said hey look at her like an expensive car that gets driven by others when you're not around. If you can accept that okay, if not don't.

He said I'd be having what men want a beautiful girl without paying big money.

But that it's my choice and consequences.

But I'm not for it because I can't stand a lover being with anyone else but me.

But she did show a tonne of love and affection for me. Driving 30 mins each way to see me on all my off days. Sleeping over for two weeks when I was off work due to an injury.

Based on what I wrote on a serious level please convince me stay away from her.

My goal is to have a loyal, healthy relationship with a beautiful woman. After giving her over 3 chances she kept showing more bad instances. If I even casually deal with her I won't be free for the right woman for me.

I want to do what's right for my goals.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, health said:

Based on what I wrote on a serious level please convince me stay away from her.

We can't. 

If you can't convince yourself to stay away from this trainwreck, nobody can. You already know that she's bad news and that you will not have a happy relationship with her, ever. If you want to keep going back for more, well, that's up to you. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, health said:

My goal is to have a loyal, healthy relationship with a beautiful woman.

I want to do what's right for my goals.

Since that's your goal, and since she's clearly not ready to settle down, it would be completely illogical to take her back. You'll clearly just get more of the same from her.

So there you are.

[health]

46 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

We can't. 

If you can't convince yourself to stay away from this trainwreck, nobody can. You already know that she's bad news and that you will not have a happy relationship with her, ever. If you want to keep going back for more, well, that's up to you. 

Thank you. I appreciate it. I need to hear words like this.

Last time I went back she drove to my place and was crying by my apartment door. This time, I'll pretend I'm not home. Or worst case call the cops on her.

I'll exercise and read instead of thinking of her.

Any business or family life with her would be a catastrophe.

I'm not perfect either. I could be rude but I'm 40 and have never cheated on a girl in my life. I don't tolerate anything near that.

[health]

17 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Since that's your goal, and since she's clearly not ready to settle down, it would be completely illogical to take her back. You'll clearly just get more of the same from her.

So there you are.

Exactly. Thanks for that.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, health said:

I could be rude but I'm 40 and have never cheated on a girl in my life. I don't tolerate anything near that.

So why did you keep taking this one back?

Because of her looks? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, health said:

 guys telling me to see escorts - when she could have been involved in that world. 

Sorry this happened. She seems to have issues with drugs and money,. So seeing escorts is not a solution. 

Listen to your therapist, he seems to be trying to help you make better choices.

[JTSW]

Dude, she wants to be spoiled and looked after and doesn't care by whom.

Hence the sugar daddy websites.

She's a gold digger, only interested in money and what men can buy her. 

Stay well away from this bad news.

[BootsAndJeans]

Would you want her to ever be the mother of your children?

[health]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. She seems to have issues with drugs and money,. So seeing escorts is not a solution. 

Listen to your therapist, he seems to be trying to help you make better choices.

Thank you. I don't think it's cocaine - but it could be. When she was around me for weeks on end I never saw her on it. But a year ago when she got with that destroyed cokehead she said he introduced it to her and she was doing it for one month. What trash. She does also smoke alot of marijuana at least 4 times a day. Hopefully she isn't into coke but hey if so let her catch the consequences. I've never seen a cocaine addict win. In my life I saw it destroy families, careers, relationships, health. People died young and went to jail.

 

I'm feeling better today writing all of this out. Thank you everyone.

[health]

11 hours ago, JTSW said:

Dude, she wants to be spoiled and looked after and doesn't care by whom.

Hence the sugar daddy websites.

She's a gold digger, only interested in money and what men can buy her. 

Stay well away from this bad news.

That's exactly it. We were special and she texted me 80% more than everyone else - but you're right. It's like anyone who would buy her clothes or food she would be with. Even to just hang out with and "Look pretty" as she said. But she even had her rent paid by roomates - she got money from the government - no work just using every source. And she was University educated. She's like a girl that was supposed to be on point that fell off. ANd once she thought I was cheating becuase I was exhausted after a 12 hour shift - the third one in three days. I was too tired to see her and slept. From work - she got angry used that against me and hung out with a another dude becuase of that. She has no understanding of what it's like to work in the real world. She hasn't had a real job in over 5 years. SHe said all her exes treated her like a princess and that's what she expects. Yet now all those dudes she talked to recently are all overweight, have broken families, are addicts. While both her and I are physically fit. I'm committd to healing from this and using it as a springboard to more success in all areas of my life.

[Bryanp]

Holy smokes.

She has shown by her actions that she has absolutely no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[health]

2 hours ago, BootsAndJeans said:

Would you want her to ever be the mother of your children?

Excellent question. Never! Her history is disgusting and embarrassing. Nothing to be proud of. I wouldn't like to be like her and if I had a daughter I wouldn't want her to be like her.

[health]

27 minutes ago, Bryanp said:

Holy smokes.

She has shown by her actions that she has absolutely no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Exactly as she shows no respect. I do respect myself, my work history who I've become. I gave her multiple chances. Me completely leaving now is me showing myself more respect and love for myself.

She is also trying to release an album and is having multiple issues with it. While I have sold records Independently in the music industry. It's a scary situation but we lost each other and that's that.

I'm just grateful I didn't take it further. She was literally goi g to move into my apartment next week. Thank God that didn't happen.

I'm focused on work, my health and my goals.

[Lotsgoingon]

Just gonna say it bro: 

I've taken her back 5 times before because she's very beautiful. 

This thinking is positively idiotic.

Just a truth here: when beautiful people treat us poorly, usually they become less beautiful in our eyes.  That's just a natural instinct, a reflex. Apparently you are missing this important reflex--one that is as important as the gag reflex to spit out food that goes down our windpipe.

You're not 15. That you are trapped by beauty into a self-destructive and destructive relationship means you got work to do on yourself. And btw: the world is full of beautiful people. A merely "good looking" person who is kind and trustworthy TRUMPS a gorgeous person who is not those things ... any hour of any day of the week! You gotta figure out how your brain got twisted on this. 

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, health said:

But she did show a tonne of love and affection for me. Driving 30 mins each way to see me on all my off days. Sleeping over for two weeks when I was off work due to an injury.

The thing is, there are many women who would do this for you without the drugs, infidelity, dishonesty, manipulation, and without taking your money. 

This is part in parcel with this woman - if the affection she shows you means more than the disrespect, emotional abuse, putting your financial, emotional, and physical health at risk, and whatever else she will do… then you got more problems than we can solve on this site.

People come to this site to ask if they should leave their partner because he works too much/won’t introduce me to his family… Or, what can I do because my partner has lost interest in sex… When you are talking drugs, infidelity, abortions and blackmail, using sex for financial gain - do you really need other people to tell you that this is unhealthy and unsafe for you? Seriously? 

Edited November 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[health]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Just gonna say it bro: 

I've taken her back 5 times before because she's very beautiful. 

This thinking is positively idiotic.

Just a truth here: when beautiful people treat us poorly, usually they become less beautiful in our eyes.  That's just a natural instinct, a reflex. Apparently you are missing this important reflex--one that is as important as the gag reflex to spit out food that goes down our windpipe.

You're not 15. That you are trapped by beauty into a self-destructive and destructive relationship means you got work to do on yourself. And btw: the world is full of beautiful people. A merely "good looking" person who is kind and trustworthy TRUMPS a gorgeous person who is not those things ... any hour of any day of the week! You gotta figure out how your brain got twisted on this. 

Thank you! I've got alot to think about and reflect on all the words you said. It's all very helpful and empowering. Some people use beauty as a weapon and power to gain things with. She's in her early 30s. When her beauty goes this world will be over for her.

[health]

52 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The thing is, there are many women who would do this for you without the drugs, infidelity, dishonesty, manipulation, and without taking your money. 

This is part in parcel with this woman - if the affection she shows you means more than the disrespect, emotional abuse, putting your financial, emotional, and physical health at risk, and whatever else she will do… then you got more problems than we can solve on this site.

People come to this site to ask if they should leave their partner because he works too much/won’t introduce me to his family… Or, what can I do because my partner has lost interest in sex… When you are talking drugs, infidelity, abortions and blackmail, using sex for financial gain - do you really need other people to tell you that this is unhealthy and unsafe for you? Seriously? 

Thank you, and that's exactly what I did. I allowed her affection to win me over. She literally wanted to move in, contribute nothing to bills, she gets $740 free from the government monthly. Saying she's emotionally disabled because her last two boyfriends beat her up. I even question those cases. I never hit a woman, but she came up to my face aggressively several times where I had to restrain her for my saftey. I could see how other men would lose control and hit back even though that's wrong.

In verbal fights she would randomly say "I'll call the cops and say you hit me"

If she actually moved in - it would be hard to move her out. I live in a great apartment and could have lost it.

I like how you said she put my financial, emotional and physical health at risk. I needed to hear that.

For the first time ever in life in one of those free pharmacy blood pressure machines it said I had high blood pressure and I've never had that in my life before. I was optimal the whole time. It's probably due to that stress and a foot injury at the time. I hope to be at optimal again soon.

Thanks so much again. I've been out of contact with her for 3 days and am committed to for life. I am up and down emotionally but I'm committed to healing. Never missed a day of work since, so I'm proud of that!

Thank you everyone!!!

[Lotsgoingon]

She's in her early 30s. When her beauty goes this world will be over for her.

No, no no! Let's go into the world of Greek mythology and imagine this woman could freeze her beauty, maintain it at its peak. Dating her and taking her back repeatedly would still be idiotic because she has got so many problematic qualities (from what I am picking up). Plus, you and her don't seem to have real trust and chemistry. 

I mean, there are a thousand things to say about the limits of beauty. One, I've dated beautiful women who weren't as sex as women who were less beautiful. I've dated beautiful women who I just didn't have strong chemistry with. I've met and worked with beautiful women (and men) who were idiots, who were emotionally blocked, who were dull, uninteresting, flat-out boring. 

Yes I've dated women who were beautiful and had other great qualities, for sure. But even in those cases, it doesn't mean this person and I had deep partnership chemistry. 

I'm wondering if you've spent time with less beautiful women who had true charisma and presence and personality and were smart or good storytellers or wise beyond their years or just wonderful to spend time with. 

Dating strictly for beauty sounds like some kind of real insecurity going on. 

 

[glows]

Stay focused on your work and other commitments and shut the door already. Good for you for walking away but I caught a nugget of info there that you’re aware she’s releasing an album? Is she still on your social media? End the newsfeeds and crazy making drama with her. Delete off all media and unplug. 

You’re thinking about your life going forwards. She may be around addicts or one herself but you also seem addicted so cut out that addiction and go cold turkey. Finished, done and say hello to a happier life.

[health]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

She's in her early 30s. When her beauty goes this world will be over for her.

No, no no! Let's go into the world of Greek mythology and imagine this woman could freeze her beauty, maintain it at its peak. Dating her and taking her back repeatedly would still be idiotic because she has got so many problematic qualities (from what I am picking up). Plus, you and her don't seem to have real trust and chemistry. 

I mean, there are a thousand things to say about the limits of beauty. One, I've dated beautiful women who weren't as sex as women who were less beautiful. I've dated beautiful women who I just didn't have strong chemistry with. I've met and worked with beautiful women (and men) who were idiots, who were emotionally blocked, who were dull, uninteresting, flat-out boring. 

Yes I've dated women who were beautiful and had other great qualities, for sure. But even in those cases, it doesn't mean this person and I had deep partnership chemistry. 

I'm wondering if you've spent time with less beautiful women who had true charisma and presence and personality and were smart or good storytellers or wise beyond their years or just wonderful to spend time with. 

Dating strictly for beauty sounds like some kind of real insecurity going on. 

 

I hear what you're saying. I did not date her just for her looks however. We had incredible chemistry in every way. That's what makes it a challenge to let go, but I am. Even running errands with her was good. Just being next to each other was great.

It's scary that we both came from past intense relationships that broke. Though we healed and we single for a while before we got together.

I was rude and impatient at times yes. But I got sick of her always talking to other men who she knew liked her. No trust. I'm moving on.

 

[health]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Stay focused on your work and other commitments and shut the door already. Good for you for walking away but I caught a nugget of info there that you’re aware she’s releasing an album? Is she still on your social media? End the newsfeeds and crazy making drama with her. Delete off all media and unplug. 

You’re thinking about your life going forwards. She may be around addicts or one herself but you also seem addicted so cut out that addiction and go cold turkey. Finished, done and say hello to a happier life.

I know of her album in the works because I was there when she was recording it. It's nowhere near finished.

And yes I am an addict. As in my character traits. But I quit alcohol for over 8 years now and the only drug I do is coffee - caffeine. That's it.

She's even got her friends calling me now. She's probably in detail. Last time we broke up she wasn't hurt because she knew we'd get back together. Not this time however.

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, health said:

She's even got her friends calling me now.

Since there is a mention of gold digging, drug use, and a "stipend" (for lack of a better word) of $200/month in your OP, a lot of this may be about financial security/keeping a "support system" in place/sponging off you while she waits and takes her shot at celebrity in the hopes her album gets big.

In the rare chance that actually happens, I strongly suspect you'll be left in the dust as she moves on to "bigger and better things". She would look for more of an social equal, ie, minor celeb.

I suspect you may be the backup plan here.

[glows]

14 hours ago, health said:

I know of her album in the works because I was there when she was recording it. It's nowhere near finished.

And yes I am an addict. As in my character traits. But I quit alcohol for over 8 years now and the only drug I do is coffee - caffeine. That's it.

She's even got her friends calling me now. She's probably in detail. Last time we broke up she wasn't hurt because she knew we'd get back together. Not this time however.

Keep blocking and culling as they come in. And resolve not to get involved with another addict and project again. If she requires professional help, that is not your job.

[health]

On 11/23/2022 at 9:35 AM, mark clemson said:

Since there is a mention of gold digging, drug use, and a "stipend" (for lack of a better word) of $200/month in your OP, a lot of this may be about financial security/keeping a "support system" in place/sponging off you while she waits and takes her shot at celebrity in the hopes her album gets big.

In the rare chance that actually happens, I strongly suspect you'll be left in the dust as she moves on to "bigger and better things". She would look for more of an social equal, ie, minor celeb.

I suspect you may be the backup plan here.

Exactly. She already pulled some other foul stuff. An old friend betrayed me recently - a liar in the music industry. Promising new artists the world - yet he's divorced and lives with his Mom. He was trying to get with my ex behind my back. I told her he's a scam - but she went and did a show with him anyway. Which I went to. Nothing happened but I told her to never deal with him business wise again - 1 month later he texted her and she asked her where his studio was.

Things like that. Just horrible. She's around the worst low level artists with no wins who pretend to have money but are broke.

The music industry is very difficult, I have my wins -in terms of sales and publicity as an independent artist - but it's hard. I always worked a full time job, that's where the bulk of my income comes from. If I made 2 million off music, great. Until then it's my passion and my work keeps me disciplined.

She jumps at any opportunity and if people have money she's there without thinking of any artistic integrity. Dealing with artists who are at low levels.