bad situation to be in

[racing20]

Good day all. So there is a woman who I have been talking to on and off for almost 10 years now. She is 10 years younger then I am. Back in 2013, we started talking when she was pregnant with her son. We never actually met, but we did talk as friends. In 2014, she ended up dating a guy and they ended up getting married in 2015. During this time, we would still talk off and on. I always got the strong vibes that she liked me from the start, but at that time in my life I was not really wanting to settle down. In 2019, she had the weight loss surgery and lost a lot of weight. She started talking to me again, and this time it was definitely flirty and she made it out like she was willing to shag me even though she was married. She always cried about her husband as if I was going to be her savior. She ended up getting pregnant and they had a kid together. Once she had the kid, she started talking to me again, she claimed he had caught her talking to me and that is why she disappeared.

So we kept talking on and off since then. She was a stay at home mom while he was out working. She always told me how bad she was treated, and that she wishes she had gotten with me instead. Please keep in mind, nothing ever happened sexually between us while she was married or even up to know.

So this summer I got her a job working with me. Looking back, I believe she took this job only because she knew she would get to see me daily. I was just trying to help her out as she said she was going to file for a divorce and leave her husband. It was a big mistake on my end, her work ethic sucked and she actually was too busy on her phone to get anything done. Not only that, she became man crazy and started talking to all these guys as if she needed a man to feel validated. She even hooked up with some guy who was doing work on our parking lot.

Needless to say, I was not to thrilled about this as it made me look like an idiot for recommending her to my company. In the beginning of October, she got called out for lack of production and stormed out of the office and quit.

Never having gone through a divorce, I still had sorrows for her and we still maintained communication. She came over my house to see me twice since she left the company. Nothing happened between us, but I still felt for the girl. I guess I was conflicted in my feelings as I do like her, but I was not happy about how she made me look like  a fool at work.

The last time she was here was before Halloween and we had a good talk. She seemed like maybe she was getting herself together. But the next day when she didn't text me and it was 2 pm, I figured something was up because this girl lives on her phone. When I initiated communication, she was very short with me. So I decided to give it a few days and let her get over whatever was going on and get back to me. She never did so it was like a week later when I finally messaged her saying something along the lines of really, going to just not talk to me for a week. Her response was why not. I basically said if she did not want to talk to me, she should just say so and I would understand. She said nothing, so another week goes by and again I send a message stating if you do not want to talk to me, just tell me now and delete me off all socials etc. She still did not respond,

So Saturday I sent her a message on snapchat so I could visually see she read it and said the same thing again, either you want to talk or delete me . She replied back saying she didn't have anyone else and she needed space. Mentally she was not ok. Yet I see on her tiktok and snapchat, she continues to post things about not being good enough for any guy. 

I feel like I am in a horrible place, where I do like this girl, the thing that kept me back was she was married but she is now divorced. But I feel like she really is trying to just keep me around as a fall back option if she can't find anyone else. She clearly has confidence issues as she posts daily mirror selfies on facebook as if she needs someone to tell her she looks good.

I feel like me cutting bait right now would be a fair move but part of me I guess would feel bad because maybe she really does have no confidence in herself. I did like the attention she gave me when we talked and feel like I would miss it. But the worst would be if all of a sudden one day she is posting about her new man and how happy she is after she told me she just needed space. Sorry this is so long, but these forums always have good advice and people who have gone through the same situations, why I am hoping I can get an outsiders view on what the best thing for me to do is.

Edited November 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, racing20 said:

But I feel like she really is trying to just keep me around as a fall back option if she can't find anyone else

This has been the case all along. 

Stop being her orbiter. If she wanted to be with you, she would've made it happen by now. You are simply someone in her fan club. It's beyond past time to delete and block her everywhere. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, racing20 said:

 She even hooked up with some guy who was doing work on our parking lot. In the beginning of October, she got called out for lack of production and stormed out of the office and quit.

She seems like trouble. You have a crush so you're not really "friends".

Eventually you'll have to delete and block her so you can free up time and energy to date more interested women who aren't this problematic.

[JTSW]

You sent her multiple messages asking her to tell you if she didn't want to talk anymore.

Her silence every time was your answer.

You are acting desperate. 

You were nothing but a comfort blanket to her whenever she needed validation.

She is a train wreck. Very bad news.

You're trying to hold on to something that was never there.

You're never going to get anywhere with her so it's time to block her number and socials and close the book.

 

[racing20]

14 hours ago, JTSW said:

You sent her multiple messages asking her to tell you if she didn't want to talk anymore.

Her silence every time was your answer.

You are acting desperate. 

You were nothing but a comfort blanket to her whenever she needed validation.

She is a train wreck. Very bad news.

You're trying to hold on to something that was never there.

You're never going to get anywhere with her so it's time to block her number and socials and close the book.

 

This is what I ended up doing. 

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, racing20 said:

I feel like me cutting bait right now would be a fair move but part of me I guess would feel bad because maybe she really does have no confidence in herself.

You are not responsible for her. She is responsible for herself. Repeat that to yourself whenever you find yourself wanting to “help…”

You have communicated with this woman for years - through her different relationships, she has had children with different men, she has cheated on these men WITH you - and you still think that she may be “the one” for you. Add to that the fact that she can not hold a job and I say… run, lose her number, change the locks, move… whatever you have to do to end this “relationship” - do it! She is a train wreck, why you have kept in touch with her all this time is beyond me, I’m sorry. 

20 hours ago, racing20 said:

the worst would be if all of a sudden one day she is posting about her new man and how happy she is after she told me she just needed space.

In that case, she would be his problem and you can be thankful for that. She can cheat on him and take his money - not yours…

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be blunt but really… this is a dead end. You just need to walk away…

Edited November 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

You have already blocked her contact and deleted her. But from everywhere? Phone as well as social media? Read up on white knight syndrome. You appear over-sympathetic and drawn to problem people. I think she sensed that about you.

You were a distraction and she used you while she needed you. When she didn’t need you anymore you were creepy to her - not a man she wanted to know. You were her crutch and the guy who kept hanging around with obvious feelings while she was married and the work situation was tense and awkward. She may even sense you don’t respect her and she’s not respected for her poor work ethic. This is a person with a very low self-esteem and she’s putting her life back together with the help of someone else. Not you. 

You did the right thing walking away. Have some dignity and free up your time for someone else without this noise in the background.