Should I tell him I want to be exclusive?

[tienne]

During summer I was doing some travelling and one of that travels I went on a date with this guy i matched on Tinder. 

Unexpectedly we hit it off really hard and two weeks later I came back to visit him. We live in two different countries, about 2hour flight away. 

Since then (almost 5 months now) we've been visiting each other once a month, we talk 2-3 times a week on FaceTime (every call is like 2-3hours long). We're going to spend Christmas together this year - it started first as a joke but we decided to do that and have some more time together. 

I feel like our relationship is progressing, but we didnt establish the status of it and didn't put any label on it yet. We talk about it though. 

In a long run he says he wants a stable relationship, but he doesn't want to do the LDR and he says he's been single for so long he doesnt think he's ready for sth serious right now. For the last year he's been in couple of "arrangements", that I'd call FWB. On the other hand he says that I am special to him and he's not 100% closed to the idea we could have sth more stable, cause he is falling for me. 

In the begining of this we were both dating other people, but right now I don't want to do that, I feel ready to get exclusive with this guy. I know he doesnt go on a lot of dates, but he goes on some dates and I noticed lately he's been updating his Tinder profile. It breaks my heart to even think about him with another girl. I don't want to pressure him into a relationship, cause Im really cautious about it myself, but I'd like to have some level of certainty and for both of us to give it a real shot, not distracting ourselves with other options. 

What should I do? I'm afraid that if I ask him for exclusivity he will say no and I don't want to loose him just yet, because I see things are progressing, now we're different to each other than 2 or 3 months ago. Maybe it's too soon to ask him that? and if he says no I'd have to let him go, cause I don't want to compromise on that topic. 

He is 38 and Im 33. 

Edited November 22, 2022 by tienne
adding info

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, tienne said:

 he doesn't want to do the LDR and he says he's been single for so long he doesnt think he's ready for sth serious right now. 

He is 38 and Im 33. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you'll have to believe him that this is a casual relationship. 

You've already discussed it and his answer was he doesn't want a LDR or anything serious. 

It's up to you to enjoy what he offers and describes as a casual fling, or move on to someone local if you wish to build a serious relationship.

[tienne]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you'll have to believe him that this is a casual relationship. 

You've already discussed it and his answer was he doesn't want a LDR or anything serious. 

It's up to you to enjoy what he offers and describes as a casual fling, or move on to someone local if you wish to build a serious relationship.

Thank you for your answer. He did say that but during our talks he keeps bringing up this topic, so he must be considering it - maybe not for now but in the future. And he knows my expactations, that I'm dating in purpose to find a relationship. I don't want to make any life changing decisions now, it's just unnerving to think about him dating other people. But I was doing that too and I wasn't considering him sth more in the begining, maybe he just needs more time to get there? or am I naive?  

Edited November 22, 2022 by tienne

[stillafool]

If he's updating his Tinder and dating others too he is not ready for a relationship.  I think you need to have this talk with him to find out if he sees himself with you in the future because you're looking for a serious relationship. While staying quiet about what you want he could meet and date another woman and get really interested in her; so you need to find out where you stand if you want this to move forward to a relationship.  If he isn't on board then you can have time to meet another guy.  Are you looking for marriage and kids?

[tienne]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If he's updating his Tinder and dating others too he is not ready for a relationship.  I think you need to have this talk with him to find out if he sees himself with you in the future because you're looking for a serious relationship. While staying quiet about what you want he could meet and date another woman and get really interested in her; so you need to find out where you stand if you want this to move forward to a relationship.  If he isn't on board then you can have time to meet another guy.  Are you looking for marriage and kids?

I don't want kids and he doesn't either. Marriage? Maybe in the future, but I care more about having a stable, commited relationship than getting married. 

Last time we spoke about the "relationship" topic (about a week ago) he said sth like "I know what we are not, we're not friends, we're not just dating but we're not in a relationship either." I stated "but you know what Im looking for and I don't pursue things that don't have potential for it". But I didn't have the guts to push the topic further. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, tienne said:

But I didn't have the guts to push the topic further. 

Why is that?  Is it because you're afraid he'll stop seeing you?  if he does he wasn't the one you should be with anyway.  If he's dating others what are you two, FWBs?  Are you having sex with him?

[tienne]

42 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why is that?  Is it because you're afraid he'll stop seeing you?  if he does he wasn't the one you should be with anyway.  If he's dating others what are you two, FWBs?  Are you having sex with him?

I don't know, I'm afraid if I ask too soon he'll back off, I know I would do that if someone pushed me too soon. We're not FWBs, that we established. We actually established what we are not and not what we are. 
We see each other every month and our dates are 4-5 days long, cause we're staying at each others apartments, not hotels. We are sleeping together, I wouldn't be interested in having a relationship with someone if we didn't have a physical connection, for me it's as important as common life goals and interesting conversations.  

[tienne]

I don't want him to confess his love for me and drop on one knee now, I just don't want him to date other people that makes me jealous and I'm not a jealous person

[glows]

What is going on with him that he doesn’t want a relationship and yet sleeps around with different women? My thought of someone who avoids relationships this way or deeper commitment is that there are things about himself he doesn’t like or needs improvement.

I doubt this has anything to do with you and a lot more insecurity within him. 

You’re pulled along in the eddy and current of his issues and a long distance limbo.

He doesn’t want a long distance relationship so do you plan on moving to his city? It doesn’t guarantee his commitment issues will clear. This situation works for him because he is insecure being in anything more involved.

If what you’re looking for is something more committed then yes you are naive. I am blunt but I do believe you are in denial about what he offers and what this situation is. Having him even in this LDR situation is better than being alone. Please find out what it is you’re so afraid of. Go seek what you truly want.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, tienne said:

We see each other every month and our dates are 4-5 days long, cause we're staying at each others apartments, not hotels.

Okay but that really isn't a lot of time spent together as most commited couples would do.  I can see why dating others would be working for him at that rate.  He's 38 and probably needs more sex than almost 1 week a month.

[tienne]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Okay but that really isn't a lot of time spent together as most commited couples would do.  I can see why dating others would be working for him at that rate.  He's 38 and probably needs more sex than almost 1 week a month.

But we are not in a committed relationship yet. And imo the sex argument is not an argument for me, men are not some brainless sex machines that need to have sex every day. Actually I have higher sex drive than he does 

[NuevoYorko]

"Not 100% closed to the idea" is pretty darn clear - you will be very foolish to continue with this.   Please pull the plug.

People need to be ABSOLUTELY fully committed to a commitment for it to have any chance of it working out, and if the people live in different countries the odds are very poor that it will even with that commitment.

The fact that "lately he's been updating his Tinder profile" tells you with complete clarity that even if he's not "100% closed" to the idea of an exclusive relationship with you, he IS 100% behind the idea of finding even more other women to enjoy time with, right now.

[flitzanu]

if a guy truly wants to be with you, he would absolutely move mountains to make that happen, not date and sleep with other girls.

you're scared to have the convo because you already know the answer, and have known from the beginning that this isn't a committed rrelationship

[introverted1]

I think you already know the answer to your question or you wouldn't be afraid to ask it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Tricky but not tricky. First of all, you have the right and duty to ask for exactly what you want. And you want to ask for what you want. If you cannot feel comfortable asking for what you want, then you aren't in a trusting relationship and/or you are too dependent on this person's affection.

Remember, all this talk of "needy" is overblown. Confident people express their desires all the time and sometimes they get a no. Needy is "I will put up with anything you do" and "I can't exist without you in my life." That's needy. Saying you want more is not needy. 

But ... has he said he is ready to be serious. You always want to believe people when they say they aren't ready to be serious. People are rarely wrong when they say that. You can if you want wait a bit and see if things evolve in your direction. But be careful: it's tempting to be on your best behavior and all of that to not offend him and scare him away. And once you do that, you have given up your power. 

You want a relationship where you can speak up and speak your mind. If you cannot, then that relationship isn't going to work, even if you guys started something more serious. 

[poppyfields]

What you're missing OP is the reason an involvement with you was appealing to him in the first place was precisely because you are long distance.  Had you not met on holiday, if you were not a two hour flight away, I very highly doubt he would have pursued this situationship, even a casual one.

Why?

Because clearly CLEARLY this man does not want commitment, whether he fears it or just doesn't want that for himself, otherwise he would not be updating his profile on Tinder and dating others.   He just wouldn't, and I think you know that too.

People with commitment issues or who simply don't desire commitment LOVE long distance relationships.  They seek them out.  They offer the companionship and sex they desire while also providing the luxury of maintaining their freedom.   I can almost guarantee if you choose to move closer and close the distant gap, he will slowly begin to fade, he may even ghost.   I have seen it happen too many times to believe otherwise.

You met on Tinder and you are long distance and I would venture to guess other women he seeks out are also long distance.  Perhaps visiting on holiday for a short while like you were, which is very attractive to him for obvious reasons, then back home.  He keeps them dangling just as he's keeping you dangling.

Making time for you once a month, a few FT calls per week.  

I am not suggesting he's not attracted to you, obviously he is BUT that does not necessarily equate to him wanting a committed relationship with you.

If a serious commitment relationship is what you ultimately want, you are NOT going to get that with this man, no matter how patient you are.   I can almost promise you that.

He has been very clear with you about what he wants for himself long term which is his freedom.

Everything you are telling yourself about him and what he eventually may want is a fictional story not based in reality, I'm sorry.

 

 

Edited November 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

You can talk to him, OP, but I think you already know the answer you are going to get. 

He's been clear that he doesn't want a LDR. He's been updating his Tinder. This isn't a man who is going to commit to you. If you are looking for something stable and exclusive, this isn't your guy. 

[poppyfields]

My take on what he said is he doesn't want a "serious" long distance relationship.  But this situation as it stands now suits him just fine which is why he sought it out on Tinder imo.

Sees you one a month, a couple of calls during the week, the bare minimum, actually below the bare minimum. 

A two hour plane ride is not that far; this is intentional on his part, he prefers you at a distance. 

I'm not saying this to be mean, but I'm very familiar with these "avoidant" types and have had men admit to me that they prefer casual long distance so not too much is expected as far as time spent together and they're free to keep options open and pursue other women.

I truly hope you're paying attention to all these responses OP.

All the best. 

 

[tienne]

Thank you for all your responses, they confirm my concerns unfortunately. He is coming to see me this Friday so I decided I will talk to him and be more upfront with my expectations from him for now. 

[JTSW]

23 hours ago, tienne said:

I noticed lately he's been updating his Tinder profile.

Unfortunately OP,  this tells me all I need to know.

He doesn't view this the same way you do. 

If he was 'falling for you' as he claimed then he wouldn't have interest in anyone else.

And he wouldn't let the distance thing get in the way.

He's keeping you around until he finds something stable.

There's no future with this guy.

[Alpacalia]

Don't tip toe around it any longer.

My cousin (United States Air Force) met his wife (a teacher) through Tinder.

Tinder scored higher than others for most engaged couples that met through the dating app.

So, forget about that noise.

State what you want. Tell him how you feel about him and that you are no longer willing to continue a casual relationship with him. That you're not willing to 'share' him, and that you want a more serious relationship with him.

The truth is, you have a right to your feelings, and if you do not tell him, you will lose much more than you gain.

 

Edited November 23, 2022 by Alpacalia

[tienne]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Don't tip toe around it any longer.

My cousin (United States Air Force) met his wife (a teacher) through Tinder.

Tinder scored higher than others for most engaged couples that met through the dating app.

So, forget about that noise.

State what you want. Tell him how you feel about him and that you are no longer willing to continue a casual relationship with him. That you're not willing to 'share' him, and that you want a more serious relationship with him.

The truth is, you have a right to your feelings, and if you do not tell him, you will lose much more than you gain. Bear in mind that if you've kept your feelings hidden from him until now, it might come as a shock to him, since your relationship has been only casual.

Once you've told him, give him some time and space to think about what you've said so he can make up his own mind.

 

Thank you for this encouragement  Im planing to talk to him this weekend cause we will see each other in person and I think it’s best to do it face to face. He knows what I’m looking for, but I’m not very good with expressing my feelings so he can as well wonder himself and that’s why he keeps bringing that up. You’re right, I will not know until I ask

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, tienne said:

, I just don't want him to date other people  

All you can do is discontinue hosting him or visiting him. Unfortunately he has been straight up and honest that he doesn't want a relationship or a distance relationship. He has also been clear that he is dating locally, updating his Tinder profile.

All you can do is protect your heart and soul from the inevitable headaches and heartaches this situation is causing you.

Overinvestment and overinvolvement on your part could lead to being hurt, so consider cutting your losses rather than trying to change this into what you hope it is.

Edited November 23, 2022 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

It's definitely good to state what you want.  In this case, the "elephant in the room" is that he is clearly DOING what HE wants.  

I promise you that a man who is having a certain type of feelings towards a woman is NOT updating their profile on a dating app, or actively engaging in FWB situations with other women.   You know this.  

My question for you is:  Why don't you listen to what he has already told you?  This doesn't preclude you telling him what you want at all, but it is meaningful that you have all of this information - he has been open with you - and you are choosing not to really hear it.   

Have you been in a serious committed relationship in your life?  If you have, you are surely aware that no successful one has ever been based on one party being "not 100% closed to the idea" of having a relationship.  

Successful relationships take the FULL involvement and commitment of the people involved.  

No matter what he tells you, he has already let you know clearly where he stands.  

From where I sit, your upcoming talk with him will be a breakup talk.  You both want different things and you are not contented with the way things are.  Am I correct?

 

 

[basil67]

Putting aside the fact that he said he doesn't particularly want a relationship...... unless one of you plans to move soon, a two hour flight distance could well make the whole thing untenable.   Would you be prepared to move to where he lives?

Edited November 23, 2022 by basil67