Should I tell him I want to be exclusive?

[glows]

On 11/22/2022 at 6:55 AM, tienne said:

I don't want him to confess his love for me and drop on one knee now, I just don't want him to date other people that makes me jealous and I'm not a jealous person

You could date exclusively indefinitely until he eventually meets someone locally. That would probably hurt you quite a lot in the long run.

The distance seems to be an issue if he’s not open to long distance relationships.

[tienne]

Ok guys, so a little update - he visited me this weekend and we talked about our status and about exclusivity. I expressed how I feel, that exclusivity is important to me and what I expect from this relationship.

He said that he wasn’t actively pursuing any other girls and going on dates anyway so if it makes me feel more safe, he wants to be officially exclusive too. I did ask about tinder and he said he updated it lately before visiting me because he is afraid of commitment and it seemed like being still single and open to options to him, but he didn’t even talk to anyone. And showed me the app so I do believe it. 
We both decided to keep it slow and be honest about it, but we’re giving the relationship a shot. We will spent the Christmas together, we also planned a little vacation in January so I do think his intentions towards me are good, he just needs some time. And maybe I do too…

You know, I am a person who likes to take action, and I believe if someone wants sth they don’t hesitate and just act, but some feelings must take time to develop into decisions and maybe that’s the case? We will see 

[Lotsgoingon]

He said that he wasn’t actively pursuing any other girls and going on dates anyway so if it makes me feel more safe, he wants to be officially exclusive too. 

I'm sorry this is not a convincing answer--not even close. 

Implication of his words: when I actively pursue someone and go on more dates, I can easily dump you.

Implication: since I'm not having sex with others right now, I might as well have sex with you. 

No, no, no, no! You want someone you REALLY wants to be exclusive. He gave you the minimal answer just so he can keep having sex with you for a month or two. There is no commitment in his language. 

Here's the kind of answer you want. Yes, I want to be with you, only with you. I'm excited about being with you. Yes! Said with powerful enthusiasm and excitement.

Anything less than this is a no. You're only going to be disappointed if you go forward trusting in these lame, wishy-washy words. Totally lame words. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, tienne said:

I did ask about tinder and he said he updated it lately before visiting me because he is afraid of commitment and it seemed like being still single and open to options to him, but he didn’t even talk to anyone.

It's good you talked. But if he's on Tinder, he is looking for local women.

[Lotsgoingon]

OMG, I missed that in his Tinder response, he said he was afraid of commitment.

When people say they are afraid of commitment, you want to multiply their words by about 10 times. Anyone who comes out and says to a romantic interest that they are afraid of commitment is really saying they are TERRIFIED of commitment and that they are terrible at relationships. 

Stay away. 

 

[tienne]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OMG, I missed that in his Tinder response, he said he was afraid of commitment.

When people say they are afraid of commitment, you want to multiply their words by about 10 times. Anyone who comes out and says to a romantic interest that they are afraid of commitment is really saying they are TERRIFIED of commitment and that they are terrible at relationships. 

Stay away. 

 

Yeah, being afraid of commitment - that’s actually my characteristic too. So we’re both doomed…

You know, I’m prepared it can work out and it can not work out, I want to explore it whatever the outcome. You never know what might happen, and I don’t want to run away because of fear of being heartbroken, I’ve been before and I survived, I think it’s worth trying 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, tienne said:

I did ask about tinder and he said he updated it lately before visiting me because he is afraid of commitment and it seemed like being still single and open to options to him, but he didn’t even talk to anyone. 

Yes, "commitmentphobes" (those who fear commitment as he openly admitted) are notorious for wanting to keep all options open even when they don't intend on pursuing those options. 

Just knowing they can keeps them from feeling boxed-in and suffocated in relationships which is how they typically feel.

I truly wish you luck with this situation but feel you're not making a very wise decision for yourself.. And will most likely get your heart ripped to shreds. 

His concern about the long distance is a bunch of malarkey, imo.

IF that were true, he would NOT have pursued you in the first place knowing you're long distance. 

Makes no sense but nothing much does when dealing with those with commitment issues. 

But it's the perfect ready-made excuse for ending things when he's had enough which is typically when a woman (or man if roles were reversed) starts pushing for more.  More time, more attention, more commitment.

Agree with @Lotsgoingon.  His response to your request for exclusivity was so mediocre and lackluster, it was insulting. 

I am not quite sure what your thought process is, but you're right, with the holidays approaching, you shall see.

This is a big holiday, which freaks most "phobes" out, but if your relationship survives it without any major upheaval, hot/cold or push/pull on his part, there is a chance it might work out. 

Sorry to be such a downer but I’ve got lots of experience with this including my own commitment issues a few years back which I have worked hard to resolve and am now married. 

So play it out and hope for the best.  That's all you can do. 

 

 

 

Edited November 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, tienne said:

Yeah, being afraid of commitment - that’s actually my characteristic too. So we’re both doomed

Not necessarily.  You'd be more doomed if only one had the fear and the other pressured and pushed.

Water seeks its own level as they say.  

Since you both have fears, you are both essentially on the same page, understand each other's fears and hopefully can find the right balance that works for both of you. 

[glows]

He has issues if he’s avoiding commitment in general. You may continue running into issues with his passivity and lack of initiative. 

It sounds like a lot of work for an ldr with no prospect of bridging that distance. Since you were only concerned about him dating other women and feeling jealous this seems to satisfy you. I’m not sure how satisfying or fulfilling it would be in the long run.

[Lotsgoingon]

You never know what might happen, and I don’t want to run away because of fear of being heartbroken, I’ve been before and I survived, I think it’s worth trying.

This is completely wrong. I would the house, the car, the earth itself that he will be a terrible partner. Yes, even with someone interested in commitment, who is available, yes, no guarantees. There are no guarantee in relationships, just as in life.  

But in this case, absolutely guaranteed it won't work. There are no qualities pushing for a good outcome. 

[NuevoYorko]

This part really struck me: 

On 11/22/2022 at 2:26 AM, tienne said:

he's not 100% closed to the idea we could have sth more stable,

Who would choose to "try" a relationship with a person who has expressed that they're "not 100% closed to the idea"?  That would send me running so fast my hair would fall out.   

Wouldn't you want to be with someone who actively WANTED to be with you?

Then there are the TWO active FWB's and Tinder ...

Girl ... no.  Unless you are looking forward to crying.  

[basil67]

With regards to him being afraid of commitment:

1. It could be that he's afraid of all commitment with all women. 

2. It could be that he's afraid of committing to a long distance relationship

3. It could be that he's never met Ms Right.  I know so many men who've not been into commitment until they meet Ms Right.  At which point, he commits, proposes, marries and lives happily ever after

Unfortunately, all these options do not bode well for you.  After all, if you were Ms Right, he would have made sure to commit in order to not risk losing you

Edited November 28, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

7 hours ago, tienne said:

He said that he wasn’t actively pursuing any other girls and going on dates anyway

I read this as him agreeing to being exclusive re the risk of STDs, but he's not giving you any commitment.  Is this OK with you?

Edited November 28, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, tienne said:

Ok guys, so a little update - he visited me this weekend and we talked about our status and about exclusivity. I expressed how I feel, that exclusivity is important to me and what I expect from this relationship.

He said that he wasn’t actively pursuing any other girls and going on dates anyway so if it makes me feel more safe, he wants to be officially exclusive too. I did ask about tinder and he said he updated it lately before visiting me because he is afraid of commitment and it seemed like being still single and open to options to him, but he didn’t even talk to anyone. And showed me the app so I do believe it. 
We both decided to keep it slow and be honest about it, but we’re giving the relationship a shot. We will spent the Christmas together, we also planned a little vacation in January so I do think his intentions towards me are good, he just needs some time. And maybe I do too…

You know, I am a person who likes to take action, and I believe if someone wants sth they don’t hesitate and just act, but some feelings must take time to develop into decisions and maybe that’s the case? We will see 

By taking the more assertive route, you ran the risk of being rejected or getting an answer you don’t want. It's great that you did that even though the answer you received wasn't what you had hoped for.

But after five months of regular dating, do you really want to keep seeing a guy who doesn’t envision a real relationship with you eventually? Wouldn’t you rather know that NOW than, say, three more months down the line after you’ve grown even more attached? Bringing it up kind of had that as its purpose.

It's possible you are OK with his answer, and you'll give it another two months to see what happens. Or maybe you’ll be like, “F this. I’m a catch and I need a guy who wants to lock this down after five months.” Either reaction would be reasonable at this point. It's just a matter of deciding how long you're willing to wait and moving on if you don't get what you want - the sooner the better if you want to avoid heartache.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I would the house, the car, the earth itself that he will be a terrible partner

Yes, this. 

OP, he is making sure you know he's not going to be The Guy for you. He's afraid of commitment, he doesn't like long-distance, and so on. This will work well for him when he does meet a local woman and cuts you loose, because he warned you. 

I would not puruse this, and I sure as heck wouldn't spend the holidays with a guy like this. It will hurt you that much more when it falls apart. 

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, tienne said:

I did ask about tinder and he said he updated it lately before visiting me because he is afraid of commitment and it seemed like being still single and open to options to him, but he didn’t even talk to anyone. And showed me the app so I do believe it. 

He should've deleted his Tinder profile the moment he agreed to be exclusive.

He hasn't, therefore he was just telling you what you want to hear and has no intention of moving away from Tinder.

He's still keeping his options open which is not a good sign at all.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, tienne said:

,I want to explore it whatever the outcome. You never know what might happen, 

Why be exclusive? Set yourself free so you can date locally also.  That's what he's doing.

[tienne]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why be exclusive? Set yourself free so you can date locally also.  That's what he's doing.

But he is not, he was a bit surprised when I brought it up, because he is not dating or talking to other women and was happy to hear I wasn’t either. 
I don’t want to date other people, I tried that since we met and it’s just waste of time for me and these guys, cause I didn’t want to spend this time with them. And I was talking to guys on tinder and dating them a month ago, then I decided I don’t want to do that anymore. I needed time too to know I want to focus on this one person.

as I said before, that’s the confirmation I needed, to know that he is not seeing anyone else and not looking for anyone else. He said he does envision us in a long relationship but wants to keep it slow, as we were, cause the feelings between us are developing. I think it’s fair and for me that pace is good too

[tienne]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

He should've deleted his Tinder profile the moment he agreed to be exclusive

We both disabled the accounts this weekend

[tienne]

I really think rushing things is not good for me, it hasn’t worked for me in the past. And while being at certain point in life with experiences I have, life and career I have(and same goes for him) it’s good to be a bit careful and move slowly and make sure it’s a real thing and not an infatuation 

[JTSW]

12 minutes ago, tienne said:

We both disabled the accounts this weekend

Check in a couple of days to see if his is back up.

[poppyfields]

@tiennewhat is his relationship history? 

He admitted he has commitment issues.  There is a reason he told you, it's a bit of a warning, don't lose sight of that. 

Has he ever been able.to sustain a long a term serious relationship, say longer than 1-2 years?  

If so, has he shared with you why it ended?  Why any of his relationships ended, assuming he's had a few. 

His history is so important especially given he's a self-admitted "commitment phobe;" it's a gateway to their future and since you're involved with him, your future. 

You can 'take it slow' and not rush all you want.  It may even last a long time in this mode.  

But once you start to want more - more time together, more accountability, perhaps close the long distance gap (which despite what he's telling you, he prefers as it provides him the space/distance he needs and requires to sustain a relationship), be prepared for him feeling "boxed-in," suffocated, "trapped" is a common emotion among those with serious commitment issues. 

I think it's good to take a risk, I'm the same. No matter what happens, I'm resilient and have always bounced back.  And learned something valuable from the experience.

Just be aware that's all.  Pay attention.  There are lots of resources discussing this issue, case studies.  

It's a real fear, a phobia, similar to claustrophobia (a fear of being trapped in an small enclosed space), except instead of feeling trapped in an enclosed space, they fear being trapped in a close relationship.

It's symptoms are anxiety.  Among others. 

He may even be feeling anxious now after he agreed to be exclusive and disabled Tinder. 

Not that he wants to actually date others, it was knowing he can.  

Now officially he can't.  Which may cause him anxiety. 

So be aware, and be careful if that's even possible. 

Good luck! 

Happy Holidays and keep us posted.  I'm truly interested in how this turns out especially during and after the holidays. 

Edited November 28, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, tienne said:

But he is not, he was a bit surprised when I brought it up, because he is not dating or talking to other women 

That's almost certainly BS.   Otherwise where did all of the below come from?  

Quote

I know he doesnt go on a lot of dates, but he goes on some dates and I noticed lately he's been updating his Tinder profile. 

Quote

In a long run he says he wants a stable relationship, but he doesn't want to do the LDR and he says he's been single for so long he doesnt think he's ready for sth serious right now

Quote

For the last year he's been in couple of "arrangements", that I'd call FWB.  

You seem completely ready to pretend that none of this is in play so you can "act as if" you are moving into a traditional monogamous relationship with "future planning.'"   I think you should be grateful that this guy has been as honest has he has been.  You have a lot of information.  If you decide to dismiss all of it and move forward as if you're likely to build a life together, you're taking a risk with terrible odds.  

Of course stranger things have happened.  Though it would make a lot more sense to just carry on dating locally, being open to meeting men who actually, actively WANT to be in a committed relationship WITH YOU (rather than "not 100% closed to it) and just seeing this guy for fun until it becomes clearly time to move on.  For YOU.  

[tienne]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@tiennewhat is his relationship history? 

He admitted he has commitment issues.  There is a reason he told you, it's a bit of a warning, don't lose sight of that. 

Has he ever been able.to sustain a long a term serious relationship, say longer than 1-2 years?  

If so, has he shared with you why it ended?  Why any of his relationships ended, assuming he's had a few. 

Hi, yes, he’s been in longer relationships (one 5 years and one 3 years). First ended cause it was pretty young and they just grew apart. Second one ended because he emigrated to other end of Europe and she chose to move to a different country for good, so they didn’t have even a vision of reconnecting. 
He’s been abroad for 5 years now and in this 5 years he had 2 more lasting relationships, one ended because they were more friends than in love and the other one ended because of big age difference which started showing on daily bases. He was telling me about his past, but I have to say he was always very respectful about the women he was involved with. 
 

I totally get his fear of commitment, I’m single myself for almost 4 years now and I really wasn’t looking for anything serious when I met him. 

I really appreciate your opinion, I’m trying to stay careful with my feelings, at least to be conscious about what’s going on. 
 

a lot of opinions here are very, let’s say forward, I appreciate that too, I know people want me to protect myself from a heartbreak. But to be honest, I don’t believe it’s “just fun” for him. It was in the beginning, as for me. But it really would be easier and cheaper to find a FWB locally for both of us - we both invest time and money to see each other every month. And he doesn’t have any off days so he keeps working overtime to be able to spend that extra time with me. And he could easily have a local girl to meet every other weekend as previously he had. I don’t have a reason not to believe him cause he never lied to me and was very open about his past and his present, regardless of what I’d want to hear. 
Im not stupid, I know it might not work out. 
No one if given a choice would pick a LDR from the start, so caution is not so weird. But we both decided to continue moving forward, so there must be something, and I want to explore what  

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, tienne said:

a lot of opinions here are very, let’s say forward, I appreciate that too, I know people want me to protect myself from a heartbreak. But to be honest, I don’t believe it’s “just fun” for him. It was in the beginning, as for me. But it really would be easier and cheaper to find a FWB locally for both of us - we both invest time and money to see each other every month. And he doesn’t have any off days so he keeps working overtime to be able to spend that extra time with me. And he could easily have a local girl to meet every other weekend as previously he had. I don’t have a reason not to believe him cause he never lied to me and was very open about his past and his present, regardless of what I’d want to hear. 
Im not stupid, I know it might not work out. 
No one if given a choice would pick a LDR from the start, so caution is not so weird. But we both decided to continue moving forward, so there must be something, and I want to explore what  

Try to remember that a lot of the opposition is based on our own personal experiences. I know of two successful LDR's where they eventually moved closer and are now married with children.

Just be mindful and remember to prioritize yourself.

He has to decide that you're "it" for him. 

The gray area is where love lives, let me tell you.

A well-reasoned discussion of commitment is not necessarily a bad thing, but if you do it regularly, then it may fare worse than good.

He may really like you but is wrestling with the commitment side of things.

He is still figuring it out.

It's possible that you sowed your wild oats when you were a teenager, but he blossomed a little later, and is now enjoying dating without commitment (however old he is).

It may be that he decided long ago that commitment wasn't for him, but then you come along and rock his world, confusing him. He wants you…but he doesn’t want commitment.

And as we all know, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.