He broke up with me as he's not ready for a relationship

[Lovewinsall22]

This is long and I am a first time poster but need peoples advice :)

So I was dating this guy for 7 months. Not a super long time but long enough that I feel in love with him. We are both gay men and he only came out in 2020 he is 32. I am 30 and came out in 2018 So due the pandemic etc he never really dated people. 

I was his first relationship, I was the first guy he brought home to meet his family and friends, I was the first guy he said I love you too and so on. Our relationship was going well, a few bumps in the road and I think that was due to our personalities but mostly they where small things. Right up until the weekend our relationship was running smoothly, literally 24hrs before it all came falling down he was telling me how much he loved me, even earlier in the day before we spoke he was texting me that he missed having me cuddled up beside him in bed. 

And then it all turned, I should mention he went home to visit his family and I am not sure if something was said or what because after that he changed completely. I was shocked. He went from saying how much he loved me and planning stuff to not wanting a relationship at all. 

My friends are in complete shock as they even said it themselves he seemed so happy when he was around me and that we made a wonderful couple. 

I understand someone loosing attraction or interest in the person they are dating and understand that it can happen but usually there are some kind of signs and Tbh our relationship the last few weeks has been running smoothly. 

I have respected his wishes and I did ask was there someone else or did he think feelings dwindled and the said he still cared and loved me so so much and misses me a lot but he doesn't think he is ready for a relationship.  Even with his social accounts he removed the picture of the 2 of us on his profile photo then changed it back.  I didn't beg and I explained that I am hurt and that i wish he had spoken to me about it and we could have seen if we could have resolved his issues. 

I gave him a chance to be honest about if there was another reason for him breaking up and he said no, he just really doesn't think he can do a relationship and that he wishes he came out sooner and dated for a bit because he would be ready to settle down now.  

Part of me thinks something happened when he went back home that spooked him, maybe a family member said oh its getting serious or something and that made him switch as he got scared, or freaked out and I know people will say you cant read his mind so that's why I am asking here to see what peoples mindsets have been if they have done or had it happen to them. 

I am looking for advice from anyone that had this happen to them or have done it? I really love this guy, he soothes me and made me feel like I was home whenever I was with him. 

Do people think he go scared?  Is it a case of the grass is greener syndrome and that he wants to explore? 

We had one argument before - It was my fault I got annoyed with him about something and a stressful day in worked caused me to take it out on him. He was angry and we didnt speak for a day or 2 and he came back apologising for his part and leaving. Is there a chance he would come back. Btw I am not waiting for that moment either I am just curious have people had that happen?

[glows]

My guess is he doesn’t like you enough to date you. It’s harsh but there you have it. He tried it, realized you’re not compatible or you’ve got a temper and didn’t want to keep walking on eggshells.

Our loved ones, partner and family, are usually the ones we see most and the most vulnerable to our emotions. It’s natural to be frustrated but be careful taking anything out on someone especially those close to you. 

I just don’t see that he saw this worth pursuing and I’m sorry about the break up.

I would not speculate any further about what was said with family when he went home or what others might have said to him. It’s clear he doesn’t want to discuss this further which to me is very clear he doesn’t like you as you are enough to want to pursue this. Describing it any further is just going to cause you to feel hurt and force more of a discussion.

[Lovewinsall22]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

My guess is he doesn’t like you enough to date you. It’s harsh but there you have it. He tried it, realized you’re not compatible or you’ve got a temper and didn’t want to keep walking on eggshells.

Our loved ones, partner and family, are usually the ones we see most and the most vulnerable to our emotions. It’s natural to be frustrated but be careful taking anything out on someone especially those close to you. 

I just don’t see that he saw this worth pursuing and I’m sorry about the break up.

I would not speculate any further about what was said with family when he went home or what others might have said to him. It’s clear he doesn’t want to discuss this further which to me is very clear he doesn’t like you as you are enough to want to pursue this. Describing it any further is just going to cause you to feel hurt and force more of a discussion.

I agree, but he has had his moments too. He did mention he thinks we are incompatible so maybe that's it after all. I am just sad about the whole thing even the fact he still telling me how much he loves and misses me. That pulls on my heart strings. The thoughts of him being upset, upset me that's how much I do love him. 

He was the one who wanted to date me, he said he loved me first and wanted to make the relationship official. Even though it doesn't really matter to the situation he started farting in front of me because as he said he felt super comfortable around me to do it. I look back now at the whole thing and up until at least last week we where going really well planning trips, adventures etc. I don't get the switch around even if he decided I was not the one why tell me how much he missed me and loved me. I don't get it. 

[glows]

You’re in pain and hearing those things are not helpful. It’s better to distance yourself. He knows you’re not a match and decided to opt out. People say things to placate a situation and I think he’s doing it so there’s no bad blood between the two of you. 

The bottomline is he opted out and you are not in a relationship. That level of care ends here. You move on and distance yourself appropriately. Not everyone has the ability to behave appropriately after a break up. 

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

We had one argument before - It was my fault I got annoyed with him about something and a stressful day in worked caused me to take it out on him. He was angry and we didnt speak for a day or 2 and he came back apologising for his part and leaving. Is there a chance he would come back. Btw I am not waiting for that moment either I am just curious have people had that happen?

He was on his way out after his family trip. This gave him the ammo he needed to pull the trigger.

People rarely leave a relationship abruptly after seven months for no reason. It only seems that way because they don’t explain themselves.

There were probably warning signs that he was thinking about breaking up with you that you might have neglected to notice. It takes time to disconnect from someone you're in a relationship with.

Think about your relationship. Has something recently changed? Did you mention commitment? Did your boyfriend act secretive or unhappy? Did you have a bad fight before the one mentioned about that you haven’t recovered from?

Your ex may or may not get back together, and it's best to accept the current state of things. So, don't hold out hope.

His ex status hasn't changed since he ended the relationship. Accept the breakup as the new reality, even if you wish it could be the way it was.

Unless he is willing to attempt to fix things, there is not much you can do. A breakup, no matter how abrupt, is still a breakup. So, treat it as one and do the things that you can do something about. Not everyone can stay with you forever, and the wrong person has to leave so that the right one can come along.

 

Edited November 22, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Lovewinsall22]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He was on his way out after his family trip. This gave him the ammo he needed to pull the trigger.

People rarely leave a relationship abruptly after seven months for no reason. It only seems that way because they don’t explain themselves.

There were probably warning signs that he was thinking about breaking up with you that you might have neglected to notice. It takes time to disconnect from someone you're in a relationship with.

Think about your relationship. Has something recently changed? Did you mention commitment? Did your boyfriend act secretive or unhappy? Did you have a bad fight before the one mentioned about that you haven’t recovered from?

Your ex may or may not get back together, and it's best to accept the current state of things. So, don't hold out hope.

His ex status hasn't changed since he ended the relationship. Accept the breakup as the new reality, even if you wish it could be the way it was.

Unless he is willing to attempt to fix things, there is not much you can do. A breakup, no matter how abrupt, is still a breakup. So, treat it as one and do the things that you can do something about. Not everyone can stay with you forever, and the wrong person has to leave so that the right one can come along.

 

I think he got scared when I was talking to his partners girlfriend she mentioned baby names she liked and I said I loved the name Aurora for a little girl. He did mention that too me, well he threw it in my face by saying I wanted kids and he didn't even thought I told him my heart wasn't set on them. I think that freaked him out. I explained I also liked a song for my funeral but wasn't thinking about that happening either I just liked the name like I liked the song. 

Nothing really has changed, we spent the same amount of time together and so on. We laughed and so on as normal. Literally on Friday he brought up the idea of us buying a house together. 

If he pulled back, maybe cut back on saying I love you, or something else I would have had an idea and could say ok I saw the warning signs.  I would ask him how he was and how he was doing if everything was ok if he had a tough day in work etc and I got no inkling about it. 

I am accepting the break up, I just find it how he ended it so quickly so shocking and that if he really loved me why didnt he even give us a chance to see if we could make it work. 

[poppyfields]

42 minutes ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

I was his first relationship, I was the first guy he brought home to meet his family and friends, I was the first guy he said I love you too and so on. 

My take is fear got the best of him and perhaps he wasn't quite emotionally prepared for the push back he received from family and perhaps others outside the family unit once he "came out" and actually introduced you.

In other words reality hit.  

He went to visit his family alone that weekend and yes it's more than likely something was said.

The fact he was extremely affectionate telling you he loved you and planning a future with you immediately before visiting them would suggest that. 

Despite good intentions, there is still a stigma surrounding gay relationships within some families and sadly I don't think there is much you can do here but accept that he's not yet emotionally prepared to deal with it and has a way to go. 

I'm sorry. 

 

Edited November 22, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lovewinsall22]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

My take is fear got the best of him and perhaps he wasn't quite emotionally prepared for the push back he received from family and perhaps others outside the family unit once he "came out" and actually introduced you.

In other words reality hit.  

He went to visit his family alone that weekend and yes it's more than possible something was said.

The fact he was extremely affectionate telling you he loved you and planning a future with you immediately before visiting them would suggest that. 

Despite good intentions, there is still a stigma surrounding gay relationships within some families and sadly I don't think there is much to do here but accept that he's not yet emotionally prepared to deal with it and has a way to go. 

I'm sorry. 

 

I feel like that myself. Yes like every relationship there where small issues here and there nothing major and he said that when I asked him was it something I'd done or happened he said not. 

His family aren't accepting of the gay thing at all. When I went to meet them I brought the mother wine, an expensive bouquet of flowers and chocolates and I didn't even get a thank you. I got a cup of coffee and that's the only time she spoke to me I was there for 2 hours. 

He always told me that he was worried about that and how un welcoming they where to me.  I never gave out to him about it, its his mother I wouldn't do that. Even last Thursday I was planning on sending hampers to his brothers from the two of us at Christmas to maybe make a nice gesture and essentially offering an olive branch to them and my ex thought it was a wonderful idea. 

I'm not perfect or a saint but my heart was really in it with him and the whole quick turn of events only happened when he went back home not before. We where meant to be going on a trip this up coming weekend and he did say he was going to talk to me after that but I don't believe that as I asked why had he planned so much, sure he was even in my familys Kris Kindle and bought the present for the person he got and if he wasnt planning on being around he wouldnt have said include me in it. 

[Ami1uwant]

Removing the issues on how his parents were…

 

you were his first…I don’t know what he had prior to you with women possibly.

sometimes after 6 months you have enough of a sample size to know if you go forward or end it fir various reasons around incompatibility in same way.

[Alpacalia]

39 minutes ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

I think he got scared when I was talking to his partners girlfriend she mentioned baby names she liked and I said I loved the name Aurora for a little girl. He did mention that too me, well he threw it in my face by saying I wanted kids and he didn't even thought I told him my heart wasn't set on them. I think that freaked him out. I explained I also liked a song for my funeral but wasn't thinking about that happening either I just liked the name like I liked the song. 

Nothing really has changed, we spent the same amount of time together and so on. We laughed and so on as normal. Literally on Friday he brought up the idea of us buying a house together. 

If he pulled back, maybe cut back on saying I love you, or something else I would have had an idea and could say ok I saw the warning signs.  I would ask him how he was and how he was doing if everything was ok if he had a tough day in work etc and I got no inkling about it. 

I am accepting the break up, I just find it how he ended it so quickly so shocking and that if he really loved me why didnt he even give us a chance to see if we could make it work. 

It sounds like it all got too real for him. The jump from you being his first serious relationship to marriage and kids is quite significant.

[Lovewinsall22]

3 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Removing the issues on how his parents were…

 

you were his first…I don’t know what he had prior to you with women possibly.

sometimes after 6 months you have enough of a sample size to know if you go forward or end it fir various reasons around incompatibility in same way.

He actually has dated women before, and he has dated guys before too but I was the first one he said he was serious about and wanted to spend his life with. He even told me if he was to ever ask me to marry him he knows the perfect spot to do it. 

Like if lets say he was not interested in being in the relationship why introduce me to some of his friends who I only met last week, I met the others previously. Why plan stuff and then discuss things like a house etc. He could have been stringing me along, but If I wasnt planning on being with someone much longer I wouldnt be mentioning those things. I would be keeping it vague. 

[Lovewinsall22]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It sounds like it all got too real for him. The jump from you being his first serious relationship to marriage and kids is quite significant.

Yeah I can understand that. But the kids and marriage yes we discussed it in passing but I wasn't planning on getting married anytime soon and he knew it as I told him that when we joked about what our wedding would be like.

[poppyfields]

OP, it just got too real for him and perhaps if there wasn't also the stigma of homosexualty to contend with, which still exists in society, sadly, the outcome might have been different 

Developing and maintaining a close intimate connection with another human being can be challenging enough for some people without throwing being gay into the equation. 

He wasn't ready.  Perhaps in time he will be although I would not put your life on hold waiting. It may never happen. 

Cherish the memories.  Embrace what lies ahead. And accept.  That's all you can do. 

[stillafool]

How old are the two of you?

[Lovewinsall22]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How old are the two of you?

I'm 30 and he is 32. 

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Lovewinsall22 said:

Yeah I can understand that. But the kids and marriage yes we discussed it in passing but I wasn't planning on getting married anytime soon and he knew it as I told him that when we joked about what our wedding would be like.

Yes. Several of the points raised by him were his own doing. When they say these things and you believe them, it can feel like you have been cheated. And maybe he meant it in that moment. Not anymore.

My heart hurts to say this, but you did not "do it" for him. Unfortunately, this is the reality.

The best thing you can do is focus on your healing. Don't let it overwhelm you. Take it day by day.

[Lovewinsall22]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP, it just got too real for him and perhaps if there wasn't also the stigma of homosexualty to contend with, which still exists in society, sadly, the outcome might have been different 

Developing and maintaining a close intimate connection with another human being can be challenging enough for some people without throwing being gay into the equation. 

He wasn't ready.  Perhaps in time he will be although I would not put your life on hold waiting. It may never happen. 

Cherish the memories.  Embrace what lies ahead. And accept.  That's all you can do. 

I think so, I think because he came out late enough he never dated around he dated a few guys and then met me. It makes me sad cause he knows a few people in the city but not a lot and because his family aren't gay friendly he really doesn't have anyone now. My family and friends welcomed him with open arms he told me that, and now I am worried about him being all alone and sad and yes he might end up meeting people and dating etc and I know how ruthless dating can be and it makes me sad that he wont have people to turn to after a bad date etc. 

I don't know if he will ever come back, I have a feeling he might but I am not holing out hope or pausing my life to wait. 

[Lovewinsall22]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes. Several of the points raised by him were his own doing. When they say these things and you believe them, it can feel like you have been cheated. And maybe he meant it in that moment. Not anymore.

My heart hurts to say this, but you did not "do it" for him. Unfortunately, this is the reality.

The best thing you can do is focus on your healing. Don't let it overwhelm you. Take it day by day.

Maybe you're right and maybe I don't do it for him anymore. He would call be beautiful, handsome gorgeous and so on so maybe it was sweet talking, literally last week he looked me in face in bed and told me how gorgeous I was and how mad about me he was. 

 I think the marriage and baby talk put him off even though I wasn't saying I wanted them and I can understand that if that tuned him off i might have made me less attractive to him. I am going to focus on healing but should I give him a few days or week and then put him in the never getting back together and see if it is a case of he reacted quickly and hastily without thinking it through and just got spooked?

[Gaeta]

To me it feels like he came across someone during that time away. 

He went to visit friends & family, they socialized, he came across someone new and realized you're not the one, he wants to play the field, etc.

All his talk about loving you is only guilt talk; he feels bad for hurting you. 

I am sorry it is painful and devastating. Your best route is to delete him from your social media and not communicate with him, if you must block him so his messages don't come through. 

Edited November 22, 2022 by Gaeta

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Start with the background that this guy was really late to come out--isn't 30 really late these days?! A major reason people delay coming out is fear of parental and family rejection. Connected to fear of family rejection is internal ambivalence (lack of self acceptance) in the person themselves, right?

Sounds like he visited home and caught a mouth full of demoralizing, toxic "advice" and commentary from his family. And this guy just isn't strong enough to ignore these comments. 

Reminds me of the experience of a person of color I know. His wife was from a very racist family and any time his wife visited her home family, she always returned being hyper-critical of him. Finally he shared that impression with his wife and she actually didn't disagree. 

My guess to you: either his family doesn't like you personally (maybe you're not wealthy enough or the right religion or the right politics) and/or his family is still criticizing him for being gay. Your bf simply doesn't have the confidence, the backbone of steel (not yet a least) to withstand these nasty pushback from his family. Based on his reaction, the criticism he got from his family was not based on you being a jerk or anything like that. It's much more petty.

So, the truth is ... you don't want to date someone who is this fragile and weak after visiting their family. So you were going to run into trouble sooner or later. But I get that things hurt, hurt a lot, right now. 

Nothing for you to do ... Don't attack him right now. (He's way too fragile.) But don't over-wait him either. Don't wait much at all before letting go. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

He actually has dated women before, and he has dated guys before too but I was the first one he said he was serious about and wanted to spend his life with. He even told me if he was to ever ask me to marry him he knows the perfect spot to do it. 

Like if lets say he was not interested in being in the relationship why introduce me to some of his friends who I only met last week, I met the others previously. Why plan stuff and then discuss things like a house etc. He could have been stringing me along, but If I wasnt planning on being with someone much longer I wouldnt be mentioning those things. I would be keeping it vague. 

There are two things….being in love vs the idea of being in love.

[Calmandfocused]

My sense is that this is a not a simple “not into you” situation. 
 

I think he does love you Op. However I think fear has got the better of him. 
 

Fear that led him to end his relationship with you. A decision that I’ve no doubt he will regret … once the fear of his mother subsides. 
 

Yes I agree with you, He’ll be back! 
 

But and it’s a big but ….

 

Despite all the rationalisations your boyfriend has broken something  fundamental! . Remember that.  You won’t get that back. Ever. What about the next time fear gets hold of him? 
 

For your sake you need to remember that your boyfriends love for you is not grater than his need for family approval. 
 

Ask yourself if it’s worth it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

To me it feels like he came across someone during that time away. 

Exactly my thoughts, too. 

Someone caught his eye and he knows it wouldn't be fair to keep you around, OP. That is my take. 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

He would call be beautiful, handsome gorgeous and so on so

He called you handsome?  You said he's dated men before, did you ever ask him did he like sex better with men or women?

[Lovewinsall22]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

To me it feels like he came across someone during that time away. 

He went to visit friends & family, they socialized, he came across someone new and realized you're not the one, he wants to play the field, etc.

All his talk about loving you is only guilt talk; he feels bad for hurting you. 

I am sorry it is painful and devastating. Your best route is to delete him from your social media and not communicate with him, if you must block him so his messages don't come through. 

So I do agree to some point on this, I can't speak on his behalf on this I think something happened but I genuinely don't think someone else was involved I'm not saying its not a possibility but he his home town is 3 hours away from us so I know he wouldnt begin something with someone living that far. Its not to say he didnt hook up with someone I dont know what he did but I dont think he would.