He broke up with me as he's not ready for a relationship

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

Maybe you're right and maybe I don't do it for him anymore. He would call be beautiful, handsome gorgeous and so on so maybe it was sweet talking, literally last week he looked me in face in bed and told me how gorgeous I was and how mad about me he was. 

 I think the marriage and baby talk put him off even though I wasn't saying I wanted them and I can understand that if that tuned him off i might have made me less attractive to him. I am going to focus on healing but should I give him a few days or week and then put him in the never getting back together and see if it is a case of he reacted quickly and hastily without thinking it through and just got spooked?

What are your boundaries and standards? Enforce those. For instance, if that were me, after his response, I would not initiate further communication with that person. The immature side of me better hear about his car rolling off a cliff on eyewitness news the next day.

The mature me, will continue meeting people and carry on with life. If he ever contacts me, I'd let him do most of the talking. Let him apologize for wasting my time, hear what happened. Being dumped is serious. You went through the heartbreak and longing and buckets of ice cream. That can be really hard to forgive and forget.

[Lovewinsall22]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

Start with the background that this guy was really late to come out--isn't 30 really late these days?! A major reason people delay coming out is fear of parental and family rejection. Connected to fear of family rejection is internal ambivalence (lack of self acceptance) in the person themselves, right?

Sounds like he visited home and caught a mouth full of demoralizing, toxic "advice" and commentary from his family. And this guy just isn't strong enough to ignore these comments. 

Reminds me of the experience of a person of color I know. His wife was from a very racist family and any time his wife visited her home family, she always returned being hyper-critical of him. Finally he shared that impression with his wife and she actually didn't disagree. 

My guess to you: either his family doesn't like you personally (maybe you're not wealthy enough or the right religion or the right politics) and/or his family is still criticizing him for being gay. Your bf simply doesn't have the confidence, the backbone of steel (not yet a least) to withstand these nasty pushback from his family. Based on his reaction, the criticism he got from his family was not based on you being a jerk or anything like that. It's much more petty.

So, the truth is ... you don't want to date someone who is this fragile and weak after visiting their family. So you were going to run into trouble sooner or later. But I get that things hurt, hurt a lot, right now. 

Nothing for you to do ... Don't attack him right now. (He's way too fragile.) But don't over-wait him either. Don't wait much at all before letting go. 

 

I agree with this a lot, His family aren't nice that's not me being b****y. I'm pretty sure his mother said she would rather has a dead son than a gay one. But they moved past it etc and he finally felt strong enough to bring me home to meet them.  The last time he met them was before he brought me back so this weekend trip home was the first trip home after he introduced me and I am worried something happened with his family. My family have been more of a family to him than his have, and I never gave out about it because its his family. 

 

Maybe they dont like me or maybe they cant handle the gay thing or maybe he made the whole thing up but I do know as of the weekend things changed and not because he felt the urge to speak to me but something happened I am sure of that. I can say that to 100% of me something happened or was said and he is either not saying what or trying to ne mice and not tell me but something caused him to freak out. 

[Lovewinsall22]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

My sense is that this is a not a simple “not into you” situation. 
 

I think he does love you Op. However I think fear has got the better of him. 
 

Fear that led him to end his relationship with you. A decision that I’ve no doubt he will regret … once the fear of his mother subsides. 
 

Yes I agree with you, He’ll be back! 
 

But and it’s a big but ….

 

Despite all the rationalisations your boyfriend has broken something  fundamental! . Remember that.  You won’t get that back. Ever. What about the next time fear gets hold of him? 
 

For your sake you need to remember that your boyfriends love for you is not grater than his need for family approval. 
 

Ask yourself if it’s worth it. 

I think its both I feel like he got scared or maybe was scared and a little less into than usual and then something happened and it spooked him when he went home and it caused him to freak out. 

I know for a fact he wouldnt tell me if his family where nasty or making bad comments to him cause he knows I would tell him to leave. 

Our relationship wasn't perfect but I think he is struggling now and hurting because it was a decision I don't think he was sure of. I am not waiting around for him by any means but I also am willing to help pick him up, he doesn't have many friends most are straight and not very pro gay so if i have to help pick him up I will. I wouldn't like to see anyone struggling to be who they are alone. 

I am moving on, I have given him till friday, I know that sounds stupid but i said if he doesnt realise in a week a mistake he made or regrets it then he doesnt value me. Cause I feel like if they come back a few weeks later it is because they couldnt find better and your the back up so before I block for good i have a timeline in my mind. I know it makes me sound crazy but i am giving him till then a chance to  correct a wrong so to speak. 

[Lovewinsall22]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

What are your boundaries and standards? Enforce those. For instance, if that were me, after his response, I would not initiate further communication with that person. The immature side of me better hear about his car rolling off a cliff on eyewitness news the next day.

The mature me, will continue meeting people and carry on with life. If he ever contacts me, I'd let him do most of the talking. Let him apologize for wasting my time, hear what happened. Being dumped is serious. You went through the heartbreak and longing and buckets of ice cream. That can be really hard to forgive and forget.

I am not angry with him and I dont know why, unless i knew deep down it was coming or maybe I am in denial or maybe after dating for so long I am just immune to it. But I am not angry with him in the sense if he decided I wasnt the one, if he got spooked or maybe he'll come back I am just not angry. I was sad it was over and I am sad he didnt give us another try but I also feel like it is the grass is always greener syndrome here and maybe the cocky side of me knows he will regret it one day. I have no anger for him just sadness he couldnt open up to me about how he was feeling inside. 

[Lotsgoingon]

What you're experiencing does happen in relationships ... and it is so painful because the distancing comes--SEEMINGLY!--out of nowhere. 

But ... let yourself think back and add up clues that something like this was a possibility. Often there were signs of ambivalence and lack of commitment, but we just missed them and papered over them, thinking these signs (actions) were unimportant ...

This distancing feels like rejection at first, but really it's their brain and mind ... you don't need to take it as rejection ... OK, of course at first you will take it as rejection. But as a friend of mine said to a similar situation of a relationship that seemed amazingly good and then the person suddenly distanced: "If he doesn't appreciate what he had with me, then he's not the right partner for me!"  Will take you some time to get there. 

Here's the thing: you don't want to excuse this behavior. So let's say he calls you up and apologizes. You do NOT want to run back, because this behavior is worthy of a breakup (initiated by you!) ... You don't let people slide on this ... because they will often repeat the same behavior. 

 

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

I am not angry with him and I dont know why, unless i knew deep down it was coming or maybe I am in denial or maybe after dating for so long I am just immune to it.

Because you've turned it into a lot of self-blame. You're just internalizing it is all.

Edited November 22, 2022 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

I'm not buying it. 

Everything was golden with you two then BAM, he visits his family and suddenly its done.

This was his families involvement 100%.

He only very recently came out as gay and I'm assuming they weren't all that happy about it.

He was happy and very much in love, then did a 180 after one visit with his family.

My guess is that they didn't like that he was in relationship with another man and threatened something, like to disown him or something if he didn't end it.

I 100% believe they were the ones behind this. 

[Lovewinsall22]

15 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Because you've turned it into a lot of self-blame. You're just internalizing it is all.

Yeah I understand that and I do think I am over analysing it. Part of me thinks because it is his first relationship maybe he doesn't know how to handle when couples don't agree on things. 

[Lovewinsall22]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

I'm not buying it. 

Everything was golden with you two then BAM, he visits his family and suddenly its done.

This was his families involvement 100%.

He only very recently came out as gay and I'm assuming they weren't all that happy about it.

He was happy and very much in love, then did a 180 after one visit with his family.

My guess is that they didn't like that he was in relationship with another man and threatened something, like to disown him or something if he didn't end it.

I 100% believe they were the ones behind this. 

I honestly thought we where happy before it all went down, It wasnt fairytale happy but happy. I think I would have noticed if he was acting off and I don't think he was. Th day before he told me he loved me, even the morning of the break up he was saying he slept well and that he missed cuddling beside me in bed. If he was being cold a few days beforehand I would have said ok it was coming but I know people only want to see what they want but I would have noticed a change in him. 

I think he was getting a little scared, and then something must've been said when he went home maybe his parents told him he cant bring me home again or something like that and it made him think he it was better to break up than be together. 

His family while I wouldn't say are nasty but are very anti gay, he was told not to tell anyone in the area that he was gay for embarrassment on the family. 

He mentioned to one of my friends that he downloaded a dating app twice after breaking up but kept having to delete it because he didn't know why he was on it and that he really only downloaded it out of boredom and then deleted it an hour or two later. - This makes me think maybe he is moving on but something inside him is saying he shouldn't. He also told my friend he feels terrible about it. again those are just words but thats all I know so far. 

[smackie9]

 Some people try real hard to not accept they are losing feelings and throw themselves into the relationship harder to convince themselves to stay....but being away gave him time to think in what he really wanted. I think the relaitonship simple ran it's course, and he came to terms he lost feelings. This didn't happen over night, he's been thinking about it for a few months. The honeymoon or infatuation stage can last anywhere from 6 months to a year and a half...7 months sounds about right. I get it, receiving the $%^&&* end of the breakup stick leaves you asking why why why. He probably doesn't understand why either since this is all pretty new to him.

Losing a relationship is no different that losing a loved one through death. You are indeed grieving and it's a process you will need to go through in order to heal and move on. So sorry for your loss.

[Lovewinsall22]

15 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 Some people try real hard to not accept they are losing feelings and throw themselves into the relationship harder to convince themselves to stay....but being away gave him time to think in what he really wanted. I think the relaitonship simple ran it's course, and he came to terms he lost feelings. This didn't happen over night, he's been thinking about it for a few months. The honeymoon or infatuation stage can last anywhere from 6 months to a year and a half...7 months sounds about right. I get it, receiving the $%^&&* end of the breakup stick leaves you asking why why why. He probably doesn't understand why either since this is all pretty new to him.

Losing a relationship is no different that losing a loved one through death. You are indeed grieving and it's a process you will need to go through in order to heal and move on. So sorry for your loss.

I agree, I am hurting. 

Now I don't know if this matters, but I found out from a friend that he was on Grindr ( This is pretty much a hook up app ) the day we broke up. I have never seen the app in his phone or noticed anything particularly strange. I did ask him about it and he said he was just having a look and wasn't looking to cheat. I kind of believe him a little. I still class being on a hook up app as  cheating and there arent really any excuses for it. 

What I feel like might have happened is this

• Someone commented on the seriousness of the relationship or his family mad a bad comment I really don't know. 
• This caused him to freak out and decided he didn't want to be with me anymore, hence him going on Grindr ( My friend mentioned he saw him on it for about 1 hour and then it was deleted. 

I think it might be a case of he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Anyway i am not going to sit around and wait for him. 

I have given him a timeframe of a few days - Now this does not mean I am not moving on it is more of a this is a timeframe that I can accept him apologising, and trying to work things out. - I gave him till the weekend to realise if he made a mistake or not. 

I honestly couldn't take him back any longer after that as I would feel like he couldn't do better so I am the back up prize. That's the whole reason of the week I feel like if someone thinks they made a mistake breaking up with someone they would know within a week if they wanted to get back together. after that I will write the whole thing off as a bad lesson. 

[smackie9]

If his family was truly on him about it, he wouldn't be on grinder looking for hookups. I still say he is struggling/confused with his feelings. He is hurting too, and as a way to get this confusion out of his system is to go forward with dating or hooking up again.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

I honestly thought we where happy before it all went down, It wasnt fairytale happy but happy.

There it is.

Not fairytale happy means there is room for one of you to have a wandering eye. When we're in love we would move mountains for the one we want to be with, mountains like our family disapproval, society's disapproval, distance, race, age, social economic differences. Something was missing 'to him', that's why people leave. 

[Lovewinsall22]

59 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If his family was truly on him about it, he wouldn't be on grinder looking for hookups. I still say he is struggling/confused with his feelings. He is hurting too, and as a way to get this confusion out of his system is to go forward with dating or hooking up again.

I feel like you hit the nail on the head. I think he is really confused. I think get decided he didn't want to be in a relationship and jumped straight onto Grindr and that is why he downloads and then deletes and downloads again. I think he is either struggling with his decision and tbh I wont force anyone to be with me because thats not love. 

I honestly dont know if he will realise he wants me back or doesn't but I wont hold out hope for that.  If he was really unhappy he never voiced it, and I feel bad for that. But I still ind it hard to believe how someone can be so lovey and then the next your strangers I get that its dating and relationships for you but of all my break ups this has hit me the worse. 

[Lovewinsall22]

35 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

There it is.

Not fairytale happy means there is room for one of you to have a wandering eye. When we're in love we would move mountains for the one we want to be with, mountains like our family disapproval, society's disapproval, distance, race, age, social economic differences. Something was missing 'to him', that's why people leave. 

I agree, I would have moved mountains for him. But he probably wouldn't have done the same for me and that's really sad to think about. It makes me doubt all the "I love yous" &  " I miss yous"

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

 "I love yous" &  " I miss yous"

Unfortunately, these words mean different things to people. 

When I say ILY to someone it means I will give you a kidney. For some people it means < I like what you do for me> and it's not about what they could do for you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he just wants to be single and play the field, and someone he met when he was away made him realize that. It sounds like he hooked up with someone or at least he was attracted to someone else and knew he couldn't stay in a relationship when he wants to explore. 

Giving him a timeframe to make a deicision is simply you not accepting that the break-up is already done, OP. That's an exercise in futility. I realize it's very painful and hard to understand but you are only prolonging your own pain by being in denial that he already made his choice. 

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

His family while I wouldn't say are nasty but are very anti gay, he was told not to tell anyone in the area that he was gay for embarrassment on the family. 

This was definitely his family's involvement. 

He obviously never wanted to end it but something they said or did forced his hand.

You both sound like a perfect couple. 

Talk to him. His parents never have to know.

[glows]

I can understand if you were just friends but he’s now an ex. I’m referring to caring as a friend would in purely a platonic way about his well being or remaining in contact.

At some point stop speaking with him and move forwards with your life. You’re creating an idea that he’s lost and lonely without you but it may be far from the case. He chose not to date you and is very clear about that. He also chose not to discuss this further which you’ll have to respect. It’s disrespectful pushing the issue if he’s not willing to speak about this further. 

You say he’s introduced you to his family so his family ties are strong enough to do this. He didn’t hide you or keep you from his family. You’ve already met them. Try not to read into clues about his family. If they are anti-gay and homophobic and he’s close with them, he’ll have to learn to distance himself and form better boundaries in future. Don’t be the reason he has a falling out with his family. 

Focus on your own life and accept that it’s over. Heal and give yourself space to find someone new. Your priority now is you and your healing.

 

Edited November 24, 2022 by glows

[Acacia98]

On 11/24/2022 at 10:57 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds like he hooked up with someone or at least he was attracted to someone else and knew he couldn't stay in a relationship when he wants to explore. 

I got the same impression, OP. I think he basically cheated on you then decided to end the relationship. I'm guessing he doesn't want to admit that's what happened. So that leaves you without an understanding of what happened and why. You can't make sense of the situation because you don't have all the info. It's just speculation on my part, of course. But there's something about his behavior/words that reminds me of how people behave when they've cheated. And it doesn't help that he's been joining dating/hookup sites.

[ccas93]

On 11/23/2022 at 2:23 AM, Lovewinsall22 said:

 

His family aren't accepting of the gay thing at all. When I went to meet them I brought the mother wine, an expensive bouquet of flowers and chocolates and I didn't even get a thank you. I got a cup of coffee and that's the only time she spoke to me I was there for 2 hours. 

 

Good Lord. While I don't haves much advice to give on gay relationships, reading stuff like this pains me. Pretty messed up. 

Edited November 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Lovewinsall22]

On 11/24/2022 at 7:57 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I think he just wants to be single and play the field, and someone he met when he was away made him realize that. It sounds like he hooked up with someone or at least he was attracted to someone else and knew he couldn't stay in a relationship when he wants to explore. 

Giving him a timeframe to make a deicision is simply you not accepting that the break-up is already done, OP. That's an exercise in futility. I realize it's very painful and hard to understand but you are only prolonging your own pain by being in denial that he already made his choice. 

I agree, I signed back up to a dating app and his profile was the first one to show, 

Not only show but he said he was looking for dates and to see where it goes. For someone who didnt want a relationship he is looking for one on Tinder after telling me he needed to be single for a little bit. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Lovewinsall22 said:

I signed back up to a dating app and his profile was the first one to show, 

And there you have it. 

It hurts, but take it as a lesson not to make excuses for someone when they tell you they want out. Believe them that it's over for them, rather than trying to bargain with them (or yourself) to avoid accepting the painful truth. 

[Lovewinsall22]

An Update for you all. 

I still haven't spoken to him and I am not going to but I found out some rather interesting things that now make me think our relationship was a lie. 

I am not proud of this and I know it was toxic so before people judge me I am aware how messed up it is going to sound. 

My friend is on Grindr, this is a guy who my ex never actually met as he lives abroad and guess what he and my ex where in the same city and my ex messaged him on Grindr. My friend told me straight away and I asked my friend to find out a few bits and I found out some pretty awful things. 

Firstly the pics he was using where taken when we where dating but he never sent them to me, or posted them on social media. Like he actually has a photo of him on my sofa. But ive once saw that photo. So he was clearly sending them to other people. 

He sent my friend dick pics. These where taken in his new place that he only moved into while we where dating, again these could have been taken after we broke up but again he must have had someone he was sending too because we have only been broken 5 days when he sent them to my friend. 

He told my friend he was going to delete his profile when he went back home, which he did delete it but I don't understand that. - My friend thinks its because he doesn't want me to know he is on Grindr. But he told me he was so I don't get why he deleted the app. He messaged me before we began dating on it so I don't understand why he downloaded it and then deleted. Its a location based app but maybe that's why he deleted it as we live close enough. But I saw him on Tinder so I don't think it was because of that. 

And lastly I found out why he deleted the photo of us and then un deleted it. He linked his Instagram profile to his tinder account so he deleted the photo linked the account so that photo wouldn't show and then un deleted it after he linked the account. 

I feel like the last 6 months where a sham, I am trying to actively move on but im also trying to wrap my head around everything including all the new info I found out. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lovewinsall22]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And there you have it. 

It hurts, but take it as a lesson not to make excuses for someone when they tell you they want out. Believe them that it's over for them, rather than trying to bargain with them (or yourself) to avoid accepting the painful truth. 

Oh I agree, I did think maybe he was having some internal struggles and then once I saw his tinder profile and that we was looking for a relationship and dates I knew he was over it. I just wish he had said something before instead of even celebrating our 6 months and so on.