He told me….

[Llamacorm84]

I am in love with a married man. He tells me he is going to leave his wife to be with me by next month. If he doesn’t, I will end the relationship. 
 

I am in so much emotional pain. I know even if he does leave, things will be complicated. Trust issues. The fallout from him leaving…but I am so in love that I want him to leave her, and I feel like such a fool. 
 

We met online and he portrayed himself as single. I know that isn’t OK. I was going through a separation at the time and we spoke online for about six months before meeting. He was attentive and intelligent and always there to talk. He was so supportive during some very dark days for me. 
 

After talking for so long, and talking so long about meeting, I told him I knew my worth, and if he didn’t meet me I was moving on. He met me the next day. We fell into each others arms and kissed for hours. I have been a love struck fool since that day. 

We text daily, usually all day and evening until one of us falls asleep. We see each other when we can. It is an emotional and physical affair. He told me he loved me first. 

… then I found out the truth. He told me what sounds like typical things a married man would say to his affair partner. He says there is no intimacy- has actually told me that last time they had sex (I didn’t need to know with that much accuracy). They sleep in separate beds. He feels neglected. All that stuff. 
 

He told me he has spoken to a lawyer and talks about our future together. 

I’m not looking for approval or disapproval. I don’t know what Im looking for here. I feel trapped by this love. I want it and I am scared. I know I am taking a big risk with my heart.

 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Llamacorm84 said:

If he doesn’t, I will end the relationship. We met online and he portrayed himself as single.

Sorry this is happening. You're in pain because you know he lies and cheats. He lies to his wife, he lies to you, he lied to you about being single.

To help adjust to single life and sort out your divorce, consider talking to a therapist for objective guidance to help you stop the pain this man causes.

Edited November 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BootsAndJeans]

If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

You are in love with a fantasy, as most people are when they are in the state of limerence.

The actual man is a real man, He will fart, be incnsiderate and is human.

[ ] 

Have some respect for yourself at least and walk away.

[ ] 

Edited November 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
group berating

[Luna66star]

I would not invest in a man who has deceived you.  Guess what will happen?  He will lie and deceive you eventually.  Realize that this is his character.  He is not honest.

I know it's hard to sever the bond but you MUST do it.  Your heart will be broken with this guy.

MM frequently say they are divorcing to keep you on a string. Ask to see papers before believing anything!

 

 

[stillafool]

So what is he doing to prepare to leave his wife next month?  Does he have kids?

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Llamacorm84 said:

I know I am taking a big risk with my heart.

I’m sorry, I wish that I could tell you that this is a risk worth taking but I don’t believe that to be true.

You know him to be deceptive, untrustworthy, dishonest, and unfaithful. Is this the kind of man you would chose as a life partner for your daughter, or your sister, or your best friend?

Broken hearts heal. If you ended it tomorrow, you would feel sad but your heart would heal with time. You may in fact be surprised at how quickly your heart would heal. Your mind is another story. You have built dreams about this man and the relationship that you could have together… it’s harder to let that go than to mend your broken heart. 
 

Edited November 22, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Llamacorm84 said:

I was going through a separation at the time and we spoke online for about six months before meeting. He was attentive and intelligent and always there to talk. He was so supportive during some very dark days for me. 

Unfortunately, people often confuse virtual communication with emotional intimacy - it’s not. You may share things in conversation that you don’t share in person but that doesn’t mean that you are in an emotionally close or committed relationship with the man. You are not. Relationships develop in person. It’s easy to text throughout the day… Don’t confuse the number of texts that you send with commitment. 

6 hours ago, Llamacorm84 said:

After talking for so long, and talking so long about meeting, I told him if he didn’t meet me I was moving on. He met me the next day. We fell into each others arms and kissed for hours. I have been a love struck fool since that day. 

How long ago was that and how much time have you spent with the man since you met?

6 hours ago, Llamacorm84 said:

I know even if he does leave, things will be complicated. Trust issues. The fallout from him leaving…

I hope that you realize this isn’t like dropping the guy that you’ve been dating and hooking up with a new guy - this isn’t singles dating. IF he does leave, you will agonize over whether he will/will not go back to his wife/family. He is likely to have an angry wife, disappointed parents, confused and upset children. The stress level will be high, the finances will be low. You will be focused on building a new relationship and he’s going to be grieving the end of his marriage and preoccupied with the details of divorce. And then - you get to wonder why he is on his phone all the time… because you KNOW that he is capable of lying to not only his wife but also YOU about the fact that he’s trolling dating sites while in a committed relationship… How many years are you prepared to wait for him to settle his divorce and how are you going to deal with the anxiety? 

6 hours ago, Llamacorm84 said:

I told him I knew my worth, and if he didn’t meet me I was moving on. He met me the next day.

I would very kindly suggest that IF you really knew your worth, you would have told this man who lied to you about his intentions and his marital status to scram…

Men lie about their marital status for one reason - because they know that emotionally healthy women with healthy boundaries and self respect won’t give them the time of day if they don’t…

 

Edited November 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

So take yourself seriously and end it by end of next month anyway. He’s unavailable and the ripple effect from divorce usually takes awhile to calm.

It’s foolish to believe he’ll instantly be available to devote his life to a relationship with you immediately after a divorce. Most take time and many refuse to date a divorcee before at least two years after a divorce.

What is it he offers that someone else can’t? I’m curious what you see in him. Or is it the challenge you enjoy? I’d be wary about craving that twist of pain and becoming used to or liking the contorted means of romance - the thrill of it so to speak because all of this is under the table.

Edited November 23, 2022 by glows

[Llamacorm84]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Unfortunately, people often confuse online “talking” as emotional intimacy - it’s not. You may share things in conversation that you don’t share in person but that doesn’t mean that you are in an emotionally close or committed relationship with the man. You are not. Relationships develop in person. It’s easy to text throughout the day… Don’t confuse the number of texts that you send with commitment. 
 

yes, I understand that. We talk a lot on the phone too but I know it isn’t the same. We see each other in person about twice a week. 

 

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How long ago was that and how much time have you spent with the man since you met?

we started talking in November and we met in person in May after I dated another person first. I should have known it was odd he continued talking with me when I told him I started seeing someone else. 

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I hope that you realize this isn’t like dropping the guy that you’ve been dating and hooking up with a new guy - this isn’t singles dating. IF he does leave, you will agonize over whether he will/will not go back to his wife/family. He is likely to have an angry wife, disappointed parents, confused and upset children. The stress level will be high, the finances will be low. You will be focused on building a new relationship and he’s going to be grieving the end of his marriage and preoccupied with the details of divorce. And then - you get to wonder why he is on his phone all the time… because you KNOW that he is capable of lying to not only his wife but also YOU about the fact that he’s trolling dating sites while in a committed relationship… How many years are you prepared to wait for him to settle his divorce and how are you going to deal with the anxiety? 
 

fortunately he has no children to be hurt by all of this. I have definitely started to think more about what the fall out would be afterwards if/when he dealt with leaving his spouse. 

I would very kindly suggest that IF you really knew your worth, you would have told this man who lied to you about his intentions and his marital status to scram…

Men lie about their marital status for one reason - because they know that emotionally healthy women with healthy boundaries and self respect won’t give them the time of day if they don’t…


thank you for your honesty 

 

[Llamacorm84]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

So take yourself seriously and end it by end of next month anyway. He’s unavailable and the ripple effect from divorce usually takes awhile to calm.

It’s foolish to believe he’ll instantly be available to devote his life to a relationship with you immediately after a divorce. Most take time and many refuse to date a divorcee before at least two years after a divorce.

What is it he offers that someone else can’t? I’m curious what you see in him. Or is it the challenge you enjoy? I’d be wary about craving that twist of pain and becoming used to or liking the contorted means of romance - the thrill of it so to speak because all of this is under the table.

I will take myself seriously. it will end soon if things don’t change. Maybe it will end sooner than that. Im not quite ready. I do not love the thrill of this being secretive. I know part of me wants to be proved worthy and loveable through diversity. I don’t feel worthy most of the time. 
 

what do I see in him… Well, he is funny and charming and smart. He encourages me to be the best version of myself, in a supportive way- he wants to see me smile and do things that are good for my mental health - see my friends, exercise, make healthy choices. 
 

he wants to be helpful. I work shift work and he brings me meals to put in the freezer and multivitamins for the pantry when I’m not feeling well. 

He is a surprisingly attentive listener. He listens to my stressors and frustrations and helps me problem solve. Actually has given me good advice. 
 

and of course the chemistry, intellectual and physical, is intense. We always have something to talk about and laugh about. We can’t keep our hands off each other. 

when I’m having a rough day I call him and he talks me through my problems and calms me down. 

all I want to do is lie my head on his chest and listen to him talk about his day at work…: 💔

 

 

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

So what is he doing to prepare to leave his wife next month?  Does he have kids?

no, no kids. He says he’s looking for office space (works from home) and a furnished apartment before he leaves. 

Edited November 23, 2022 by Llamacorm84

[BaileyB]

The obvious solution here is that you tell him to contact you when he is divorced. It’s actually win-win. He really should take the time and space that he needs to settle his divorce. If he doesn’t do that, to me that would be another HUGE red flag. And you obviously don’t want to be used as his “exit affair.” 

If he is serious about leaving his marriage, he will file and settle his divorce. And then, you have a fresh start - you can date with the opportunity to possibly develop a healthy relationship… 

I add the word “possibly” because I will be very honest and say that I do not believe that I could be in a relationship with a man who lied to me about his marital status in this way. That would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. 

It seems pretty obvious to me that you have had a difficult time of it lately and you’ve been struggling with your mental health (I’m very sorry and wish you well). It seems to me that he is your coping strategy of choice and you have formed what I would describe as an unhealthy attachment to the man… so much so that you feel like you can’t/don’t want to let go. If you haven’t had the opportunity to get some counselling, I would kindly suggest that this would be a better choice than a relationship right now. Another thing you could do while he is settling his divorce. If it’s meant to be, it will be. 
 

Edited November 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Llamacorm84 said:

he wants to see me smile and do things that are good for my mental health - see my friends, exercise, make healthy choices

....says the man who is making some very unhealthy choices. That's pretty rich, isn't it? 

Look, you know what's what here. This is going to end in heartbreak for you. He is not going to leave his wife. He's just buying more time with you by pretending to be "preparing" to leave her, but make no mistake - he's not going on anywhere. 

Keep your friends and family close to you. You will need them when this all falls apart. 

 

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, Llamacorm84 said:

then I found out the truth. He told me what sounds like typical things a married man would say to his affair partner. He says there is no intimacy- has actually told me that last time they had sex (I didn’t need to know with that much accuracy). They sleep in separate beds. He feels neglected. All that stuff. 

I'm sorry OP but all this is a classic speech of a married man but its all BS.

He has lied to you from the very beginning.

He took advantage of your vulnerability to reel you in.

He will never leave his wife. 

There will always be some excuses and delays. 

I've seen it sooo many times before.

You need to cut this off because the only one who stands to get hurt here is you.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Llamacorm84 said:

  He says he’s looking for...........before he leaves. 

Sadly this will be the refrain. You can fill in many excuses to come here.

However this won't resolve your headaches and heartaches and feeling lonely and hurt. 

Talk to trusted friends and family. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health, ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Usually unavailable people choose other unavailable people. That's how you started down this long dark lonely road. However it's never too late to change course and get yourself in a better place.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

....says the man who is making some very unhealthy choices. That's pretty rich, isn't it? 

Not only that, he has actually put her in a very untenable and unhealthy situation - his  very presence in her life at this time in unhealthy!

That’s not how it feels, but it is truth. 

Edited November 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[pepperbird2]

Here's an exercise that may be helpful to you.

Picture yourself in a committed rletaionship with him. It's a few years down the road, and the "butterflies" have long since departed, but you still love him. 
Imagine yourself sitting at he kitchen table waiting for him to come home one evening. He's late. What is the first thing that will come to your mind?

Let's say now he's using his phone and become protective of it He's on it a lot. What will you think he's doing? Will the "he cheated with me, he could be cheating on me" come to mind?

Also, why do you think he's cheating? Why does he say he is? If he blames his spouse, really think about that. He'd be pinning his behaviour on someone else, and that's a very bad sign.

 

[mark clemson]

From everything I read at this site and a few other sources, realistically, the chances of him leaving his wife and ending up with you are low - perhaps on the order of 5% or less.

5% (or even lower) taken across the vast numbers of married people who cheat (given the size of modern populations) ends up being a lot of people. So there are plenty of "success stories" out there. However, your probability is still low. That is something you should take into account.

There are people who are genuinely unhappy in their marriage, others who are unhappy but not "unhappy enough" to actually leave, and there are those who are simply looking for extra-marital "fun". Given that he lied to you from the outset, my money would be on the later, although I've certainly been wrong before.

 

[Stret]

Everything that others told you is true. It is improbable. He speaks exactly like any other MM to his affair partner. But maybe you need to see for yourself. Get hurt and go through it. It's not going to be easy but if that is what you need to see him for who he really is, then do it. 
But do it in a way that is going to leave you with dignity. Tell him to call you when he actually leaves his wife - like files for divorce and moves out. Tell him you'd wait for him for one month and then it's over. But don't see him in the meanwhile. Promise this to yourself, and stick to it. If you see him, he will get to you... 

Good luck! 

[glows]

19 hours ago, Llamacorm84 said:

I will take myself seriously. it will end soon if things don’t change. Maybe it will end sooner than that. Im not quite ready. I do not love the thrill of this being secretive. I know part of me wants to be proved worthy and loveable through diversity. I don’t feel worthy most of the time. 
 

what do I see in him… Well, he is funny and charming and smart. He encourages me to be the best version of myself, in a supportive way- he wants to see me smile and do things that are good for my mental health - see my friends, exercise, make healthy choices. 
 

he wants to be helpful. I work shift work and he brings me meals to put in the freezer and multivitamins for the pantry when I’m not feeling well. 

He is a surprisingly attentive listener. He listens to my stressors and frustrations and helps me problem solve. Actually has given me good advice. 
 

and of course the chemistry, intellectual and physical, is intense. We always have something to talk about and laugh about. We can’t keep our hands off each other. 

when I’m having a rough day I call him and he talks me through my problems and calms me down. 

all I want to do is lie my head on his chest and listen to him talk about his day at work…: 💔

 

 

no, no kids. He says he’s looking for office space (works from home) and a furnished apartment before he leaves. 

He lied to you in the beginning anyway. I’d look deeper into why you need the comfort and affirmations from someone with a silver tongue. If someone opened their mouth like that to me all I’d see is a floating bubble of gibberish as everything that comes out of them has lost credibility. 

I understand you’ve formed an attachment and are emotionally drawn in especially to whatever image of himself he’s sold to you. It’s up to you whether you’re buying anything in the first place. The suggestion to turn to a therapist and more legitimate means of support is a very, very good one.