Is her text messaging suspicious?

[dwh1785]

I am a male, 37 years old and married for 8 years. My wife and I have been in something of a marriage rut for 2-3 years. I am beginning to suspect that maybe she is cheating. 

My wife manages a department at work where she is the only employee. She loves her job and is close with most of her coworkers. Her industry is heavily female and works with mostly women. There is one man in particular who is a manager at another department that she is friendly with. They don’t hang out outside of work or anything. My wife only occasionally goes out with a few female coworkers. 
 

Her and this guy do text outside of work, but not all the time. I never  thought anything of it. However, I have recently started to question the appropriateness of some of the texts. For instance, my wife was texting someone last Sunday and it was around 9:00 at night. I asked who she was talking to and she said it was him.

a few weeks ago she was texting him on a Friday night it was maybe 7:00 or 8:00. We were up quite late that night and I noticed that the texting back and forth went on until about midnight. 
 

Lastly, one time I glanced over at her texts from him. I couldn’t see their discussion but caught a brief glimpse of a giant heart emoji thing he texted her. 

I haven’t asked many questions about this man or confronted my wife yet. I did ask if he was married or gay hoping maybe he was but my wife informed me he was straight and single. I never asked her what they are talking about.
 

I am not at all the jealous type and hate confrontation. I also keep to myself mostly, so I am not sure about what is appropriate. Is this texting between a male and female coworker normal? Do I have a reason to be worried or am I totally overreacting? If my wife were cheating would she be admitting to texting him? Wouldn’t she lie? Please give it to me straight, I don’t want it sugarcoated. 

[Alpacalia]

Because she likes him. It's probably all innocent to her.

Asking her to stop won't work. Her complaint will be that you don't trust her. Your relationship with her needs to improve if you want to fix it. Make you the one she wants to talk with.

Think of this as the "check engine" light being turned on. Your feeling blindsided is understandable considering she has a seemingly close relationship with someone at work whose name was never mentioned and with whom she communicates frequently during your private time.

I’m inferring that your question about how you let this go is one that has been imposed on you by your wife who insists there’s nothing for you to be concerned about. 

There are some spouses who are unreasonably jealous and suspicious. Every couple deserves privacy. Coworkers and friends sometimes need to communicate after hours. Many marriages are unhappy and have deep problems.

But that’s not always the case.

Unfortunately, texting can cross the line into betrayal without a formula.

You must learn to trust your instincts.

Nobody knows your marriage or spouse better than you. A text affair opens the door to emotional and physical affairs.

Your inaction, out of fear of your spouse's reaction, will only make your wife view you as a barrier to their exciting and fresh texting relationship. Texting falsely creates intimacy. A deep bond may form after a few weeks. What begins as a cautious “hi...was thinking of you” often becomes “I miss you” and “can we meet tomorrow?””

And when it gets to that point, well, the whole thing becomes a lot harder to “delete.”

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, dwh1785 said:

Is this texting between a male and female coworker normal?

The only time a male coworker and I texted like that (many years ago now) was when we both had big crushes on each other and couldn't stop talking. Mind you, we were both single so it was not a problem. But we'd chat all day long, and text a lot when we weren't at work together. So no, I would not consider this "normal" between coworkers if there isn't something else brewing. 

2 hours ago, dwh1785 said:

If my wife were cheating would she be admitting to texting him?

She isn't cheating, though...not yet. In her head, this is "innocent." What you have here is the beginning of an emotional affair, which could easily devolve into more. At the moment, she is enjoying talking to him and doesn't see the issue. That will change when the messages become more than friendly. That is when you will see her starting to be more discreet and not as forthcoming about who she's talking to that much. 

2 hours ago, dwh1785 said:

My wife and I have been in something of a marriage rut for 2-3 years

You two need to address this. You can nip this in the bud now, but you can't dance around the topic. Be forthright with her that you have noticed how much she communicates with this man and it makes you uncomfortable. Don't let her pull the "we're just friends!" card. Be firm that this level of communication with a man outside the marriage is not okay for you. Then observe what she does with that. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, dwh1785 said:

I am a male, 37 years old and married for 8 years. My wife and I have been in something of a marriage rut for 2-3 years.

Sorry this is happening. What do you attribute the marriage rut to? Lack of intimacy/sex?  Lack of communication/romance?

Rather than make accusations try to discuss what's actually upsetting you about the marriage.

Do you have children? Do both of you work outside the house? Have either of you let yourselves go?

While thinking this rut must be due to external factors is easier to think than whatever intrinsic factors are going on, be careful about acting insecure or jealous if you don't have valid reasons to.

Where is the disconnect in the marriage? Focus on starting the discussion with that aspect. 

[JTSW]

I completely agree with Expat that she isn't cheating.

But it may be brewing.

I also agree that she see's it innocent when it isn't.

They clearly have an attraction to one another, and they haven't acted on it, YET.

Talk to her calmly, explain that her texting him makes you feel uncomfortable, that you saw the love heart emoji and you find it concerning.

Yes, she will likely get defensive and insist its all innocent but reiterate that that is how you feel and while you are not telling her what to do, you would prefer it if she stopped.

[Will am I]

I would suggest you talk to your wife in your most loving manner. Explain that your're NOT accusing her of anything, but that the texting does make you uncomfortable.

 

[FMW]

I agree you need to talk to her about it, calmly.  Of course men and women can be platonic friends.  But when they have partners most do not spend their Friday nights or Sunday nights texting back and forth instead of spending that time and attention on their mates who are right in front of them.  Regardless of how innocent she sees it, surely she can understand how it might make you uncomfortable.  If she doesn't, ask her (calmly) to think about how she would feel if the situation were reversed and you were spending time texting with a female co-worker.  

I also think you need to put some thought into what can be done to get out of the rut in your marriage.  Start going out on "dates" - maybe going out to dinner and talk about things that interest you, but that you don't necessarily talk too much about anymore.  Re-connect in a new way.  Making sure your connection is strong is the best way to keep both of you from either putting too much focus on other people or being suspicious, however mildly, about what the other is doing.  

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, dwh1785 said:

a few weeks ago she was texting him on a Friday night it was maybe 7:00 or 8:00. We were up quite late that night and I noticed that the texting back and forth went on until about midnight.

It's legitimate to have a friendship between co-workers. That is a LOT of texting even for friends + a giant heart seems weird to me. Might be work related, but it seems kind of improbable.

You could consider asking to see the text history between them to ensure that friendship is all it is. She may react negatively, BUT if there is nothing but friendship stuff in there, ultimately it shouldn't be a problem.

Theoretically, if there is "work stuff" in the texts, that's a legitimate reason to now show you (ie, potentially confidential info). However, texting for hours about work on a Fri night isn't about work - if it was, you'd probably be hearing all about the crazy project with it's crazy deadlines, etc.

If you choose to do this and she gets angry and then refuses to show you until she's had a chance to delete it all, then that's IMO a pretty big red flag.

It's possible she is developing an emotional bond with this person that COULD eventually lead to cheating if she doesn't keep it in check of her own accord. Some people consider the "emotional bond" cheating in and of itself, but this tends to be a judgement call on the part of the partner/spouse.

Edited November 23, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

The most alarming thing about your post was the marriage rut going on 2-3 years. Do you know what’s causing this? Why do you mostly keep to yourself? Does your wife dismiss you or vice versa? 

I’d be concerned that there isn’t enough communication and a growing distance between the both of you. 

[spiritedaway2003]

She may not be cheating yet but if she’s not careful, it easily devolve into the emotional affair territory.  I will tell you that it doesn’t sound just friendly.  Sending heart emoji to coworkers is neither normal or professional. 

Tread carefully. Speak up if your marriage is in a rut.  If you both do not put the effort in to address the issues, this could be the beginning of the end of the marriage as her attention is diverted elsewhere.

[dwh1785]

Just wanted to follow up to give a bit more context about my marriage issues because I know I did not go into detail about that. I do plan to confront my wife in a calm manner about her texts with this man. I have been working up the nerve as I have a feeling the outcome will not be good. 
 

I have already tried to fix the disconnect in my marriage as I have felt her pulling away for almost three years now. This is the same time she first started at her job. When I have tried to have a conversation about where the disconnect is, she agrees that there is one but doesn’t know where its coming from. She blames stressors of everyday life. We both have incredibly stressful jobs and work full time outside of the home. We also have 5 year old twins daughters, one whom is on the autism spectrum(although high functioning) 

I will admit I have had trouble communicating and showing affection in the past. I had a rough childhood, which is why I have always kept to myself and never truly connected with anyone on a physical or emotional level, except my wife. I never really had friends and my family hasn’t always been the most supportive. My wife is kinda all I have. I have gone through years of therapy and has helped me be a better communicator. 
 

My wife has seemingly been depressed for a long time and I have done everything to try and pull her out of it. I take her on dates often but she usually acts like she would rather be anywhere else. I still am very much in love and attracted to her. We are still intimate, but she definitely acts like that is a chore for her. 
 

I have been very supportive of her and her depression, but it’s becoming exhausting. My wife has been in and out of therapy, she says it doesn’t help and stops going. She has been on anti depressants and she stops taking them, again saying they don’t help. We have tried marriage counseling and my wife doesn’t open up. I really don’t know what else to do fix things. Maybe it really is time to end it. I do plan on confronting her about this guy, and maybe it will be the end of my marriage. But thanks all for your help. 

Edited November 24, 2022 by dwh1785

[ExpatInItaly]

Your wife sounds very checked out of your marriage. 

It appears as though you have already tried several different avenues, and she doesn't stick to them. I think you need to have a hard conversation with her about the future of this marriage. You cannot be the only one making an effort, especially while she gets chummy with another man.

If she wants out, it's time for her to be honest about it. 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, dwh1785 said:

. We also have 5 year old twins daughters, one whom is on the autism spectrum.

It seems like she needs an escape valve for all the pressures at home. That's why work is/was a welcome relief for her.

Unfortunately she seems to use this co-worker as a confidant and escape, but  it's dangerously close to becoming an emotional affair.

While her depression plays a role, dealing with household and especially childcare stress seems to be taking it's toll. How much do you help out with that? 

Keep in mind when she is at work or talking to this guy, she's not a stressed out overburdened working mother of two in those moments. She can escape for a while. The minute she comes home and walks through the door, she's reminded of how awful her life is to her.

Perhaps you two lost yourselves along the way with the extra strain on things when the children came along.

Either way, you can talk to her about it but she'll probably just get better at being more discreet about things.

Edited November 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Stret]

If I were you I would look at her phone before jumping in and accusing her of affair. Between two evils, looking at the phone is lesser evil probably, and may give you all the answers you need. 

I text with male coworkers all the time, regardless of whether it is late or it is Sunday. When I do something, like cover for them at work, I do sometimes get a heart. Nothing to it. It all depends who is sending and it what context. From some people who are touchy feely with everyone, because they are warm and outgoing but never cross the lines, it is somehow normal to get emoticons like that. I would freak out if I got them from some others. 

And there is a way out of depression - she needs to remove the cause of the depression, stressors, and dedicate time to work on yourself. 
 

Good luck to both of you.

[Will am I]

I would do neither. Don't spy and don't accuse.

There is a way to open this conversation while staying inside your own boundaries. That way is to speak about your spouse's behaviour you observe and how it affects you. Then the ball is in the wife's court. Her response will say it all.

Maybe she didn't realize how her texting was affecting her husband. In which case she'll likely tune it down and maybe also offer to be open and show the message history.

Maybe she did realize but decided that this is her private space and her husband should stay out of it.

Maybe she'll get defensive and start blaming her husband for a bunch of loosely related things that make her unhappy.

 

 

[Stret]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

I would do neither. Don't spy and don't accuse.

There is a way to open this conversation while staying inside your own boundaries. That way is to speak about your spouse's behaviour you observe and how it affects you. Then the ball is in the wife's court. Her response will say it all.

Maybe she didn't realize how her texting was affecting her husband. In which case she'll likely tune it down and maybe also offer to be open and show the message history.

Maybe she did realize but decided that this is her private space and her husband should stay out of it.

Maybe she'll get defensive and start blaming her husband for a bunch of loosely related things that make her unhappy.

 

 

True, it is not the most ethical way of getting the answers, but what I suggested avoids the situation in which she realises he's onto her and starts gaslighting him, erases messages, etc. I'd first look and then ask her about it. Giving her heads up can just prolong the agony. 

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, dwh1785 said:

I have already tried to fix the disconnect in my marriage as I have felt her pulling away for almost three years now.

15 hours ago, dwh1785 said:

My wife has seemingly been depressed for a long time and I have done everything to try and pull her out of it. I take her on dates often but she usually acts like she would rather be anywhere else.

15 hours ago, dwh1785 said:

We are still intimate, but she definitely acts like that is a chore for her. 

She wants a relationship she doesn't want to have to work at. Her embers have been ignited by this "coworker" at her work, and it's easy for her to be overtaken by this infatuation.

Make her make a decision and be ready to exit if she says "him".

You're carrying the water. You're doing the work while she's enjoying someone else's company. Pretty fair, huh?

Maybe she doesn't love you anymore. Maybe it's her depression. Are you willing to wait and ask her again in 5 years, when the grass on the other side has browned?

You need to stipulate what you’re prepared to put up with if her depression involves heavy drinking or other problematic behaviors.

Truth is, you know that to do. But it will hurt. Good luck. 

[understand50]

Marriage requires constant work.  Ask yourself, have you done the things that  help your marriage along?  Do you have a set non-negotiable date night each week?  How many times a week do you MAKE LOVE?  Do you set assigned time to really talk to each other?   Try dating your wife.  You can never change a person, all you can do is change the environment.  Look at the environment of your marriage, and see on how to change it for the better with action you can do. Believe me, she will follow along and it will be better.  You can ever sit her down and tell her what you are doing and why.  Do you and your wife have a real talk once in a while, or do yo just keep thing to yourselves?  See what I mean, this would not be an issue, or a lot less, if you put in the work.  Your wife would be talking to you,  you both would be going out on dates, and looking forward to the next love making session.

You are worried that your wife is talking too much to a co-worker.  OK, talk to her about that, but remember it all may be just innocent , or it could be in a early stage for a EA.  DO not fall into the trap of just accepting what is going or will happen, but take action.  Do not let a "issue" have to happen before you decide to leave, or have to try and fix the damage.  Take action now. 

 

I wish you luck.....

[glows]

It sounds like you’ve done quite a bit of talking and are actually a good communicator, having tried marriage counselling and going for therapy individually. You take her out on dates often according to your last post and are engaging with her but don’t perceive the same coming from her.

I agree with you that this may be the end of the marriage but it won’t be unless one of you decides on it. Marriages continue on with much dysfunction if the parties accept the situation and believe it to be acceptable (status quo). I’m sorry you’re going through this. 

Coming from someone who did make the decision to divorce a spouse this is personal and something you’ll have to decide and make peace with should you choose to end it. It’s doubtful she sees any problems in the first place or isn’t moved to change or as concerned as you are if she treats her marriage as a chore or appears checked out. These are all based on your perceptions. 

Personally, I’d have a last discussion and speak with a lawyer in private beforehand in terms of custody and any legal questions you have in mind.

Edited November 25, 2022 by glows

[dwh1785]

I am going to talk with my wife when she gets home from work today. All day I have been over analyzing some things more suspicious things this man has said/done that my wife has shared with me.
 

Such as…This man frequently compliments my wife’s clothing/wardrobe. My wife has always been stylish but she does dress to the nines for work. Her job isn’t exactly glamorous but she takes the time to do her perfect hair and makeup in the morning.

She tells me that he does nice things for her like cleans snow off her car at the end of the workday. One day he grabbed her hand to walk her across an icy patch in the parking lot. Every year he has wrote my wife sentimental Christmas cards saying how kind and dedicated she is and that he feels comfortable coming to her for anything. I have read the cards because my wife always displays all her christmas cards on a cork board. Last year, he even bought Christmas gifts for my wife at a bath and body store. It was only soap and hand sanitizer and not perfume or anything, but still…

When my wife had shared these things with me it seemed innocent, but now that I’m looking back on it, it all seems inappropriate. Am I right or am I making too much out of it? Does it sound like this guy is overstepping and playing with fire? 

[Will am I]

Yep, he’s romancing her.

And she’s enjoying the attention. Not saying she’s letting him cross every line, but she’s not establishing firm and clear boundaries either.

[glows]

1 hour ago, dwh1785 said:

I am going to talk with my wife when she gets home from work today. All day I have been over analyzing some things more suspicious things this man has said/done that my wife has shared with me.
 

Such as…This man frequently compliments my wife’s clothing/wardrobe. My wife has always been stylish but she does dress to the nines for work. Her job isn’t exactly glamorous but she takes the time to do her perfect hair and makeup in the morning.

She tells me that he does nice things for her like cleans snow off her car at the end of the workday. One day he grabbed her hand to walk her across an icy patch in the parking lot. Every year he has wrote my wife sentimental Christmas cards saying how kind and dedicated she is and that he feels comfortable coming to her for anything. I have read the cards because my wife always displays all her christmas cards on a cork board. Last year, he even bought Christmas gifts for my wife at a bath and body store. It was only soap and hand sanitizer and not perfume or anything, but still…

When my wife had shared these things with me it seemed innocent, but now that I’m looking back on it, it all seems inappropriate. Am I right or am I making too much out of it? Does it sound like this guy is overstepping and playing with fire? 

I suggest you focus on your marriage and whether it’s viable standing on its own. This man is white noise in the background. Don’t bother making him the scapegoat or reason that the marriage is in question. 

Your wife is the problem having checked out not him. She is the one married to you. Stay focused on whether this marriage is fulfilling to you.

[poppyfields]

To me the fact she shares with you all the attention and gifts she receives from this man is her crying out in a big way for you to step up and DO something.

She's lonely and bored in your marriage and may be using as a way to provoke jealousy and spice your marriage up! 

Sounds like it's dying a very slow death. 

There is no other reason for her to be rubbing your proverbial nose in their interactions and NO it's not innocent imo, not by a long shot.

Why are you walking on eggshells?  Her behavior is completely inappropriate.

Male/female co-workers, one of whom is married, should not be texting for 5 hours after work until past midnight and sending heart emojis, good lord. 

Not sure what your definition of cheating is, but imo it may not be physical cheating (or it may be) but it's still a form of cheating, unless you approve of it. 

She's developing a close connection with a man other than you - that's cheating.   

Emotional cheating. 

I would not wait to confront and don't tip toe around, be straight and direct, strong. 

She's crying out for you to be that man.  A man, her husband, who gives a *.

Good luck! 

 

 

 

Edited November 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[BreakOnThrough]

Go text a married coworker at night, send heart emojis and make sure your wife sees it, she how she responds, you'll have your answer.

[Atwood]

I would find this deeply inappropriate and would ask my parter if I could look at the messages due to feeling a strong sense that the texting is inappropriate. If it's totally innocent there won't be a hesitation in handing it over. If there's a refusal or delay you're within your right to ask for an explanation. 

If there's nothing on there, you'll need a follow up chat about why you don't trust her right now and how you can rekindle the trust and emotional intimacy between you because asking to look at someone's messages and expecting to find something is an indicator something is wrong.