star65 Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Yesterday was too be my 20 year anniversary!4 months ago we seperated ,we have 2 children who have their moments .I have many like a rollacoaster ride though this week has completely thrown me -on the monday I recievd a phonecall -anon-telling me that my ex and another woman who i know through a sporting group my children attend were together !I had a feeling and had asked and of course my expartner said no etc and I had explained that although it hurts it will end up happening one day with someone and that if it ever happened then tell me dont disrespect me .She is also recently seperated .When i got this call and spoke to him and asked and he said no that he is dealing with the seperation and wanted time for himself so I believe him -after 20 years you think that there is still respect .WEll on the eve of what was our 20 years anniv. I discover that he is with her !!Since then i have been wreck completly beside myself with hurt and disbelief!I dont know how I can function how i will be able to go to my childrens sport every sunday and see her there -I feel sick ,tired,scared and so very hurt by someone that i put some faith in not just for me but for his kids and the whole aspect of people knowing .I had asked him to at least tell me so that I could not be made a fool of which is how i feel .I spent so much energy getting stronger to just feel like a nervous wreck right now !I have the kids nearly all the time so i have no idea how long this jas been really going on whether he left me for her or as he said and at the time agreed we had changed and werent happy .I dont know how to be strong for the kids and had asked him previously to have respect for me so that i wouldnt "find" out but be told .Any advice thoughts I could use something please ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 You should go out and purchase "Love must be Tough" by James Dobson. It will tell you exactly how to handle this situation. I read it after I left my exhusband and everything it tells you NOT to do, he did= which pushed me away. Right now, you're riding an emotional rollercoaster. Slow down, take a deep breath and concentrate on taking care of you right now. Hopefully Lady J or someone who has been through this from your side will chime in! Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 I agree with Mz Pixie. It's a very good book and you should read it. You can either buy it or borrow it from the local library. Second, have you gone to counselling? Therapy was the first step to my recovery. She helped me sort out some things and helped me start working on my self esteem. Right now, your stbxh is going to do whatever he wishes, and the more you try to stop that, the more he's going to pull away. You have to give him his space and start focusing on what YOU want out of life. Also, make sure you are protected legally and financially. Make sure you get a lawyer and find out your rights. It doesnt mean you have to file, it just means you know you are safe in case he tries to bankrupt you. When my stbxh left, I didnt know WHAT was going on in his mind. He could have been crazy for all I knew. So the number one thing you have to do is protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Star - I feel for you. I think the discovery of new tresspasses and betrayals just re-opens the wound, and further extinguishes whatever hope and optimism you were trying to hold on to, and the fact that it's a gradual process makes it seem excruciating. Take action for yourself. As advised above, quietly get defensive so you can ensure that your interests are protected (e.g. see a lawyer to educate yourself), and get working on what the next phase of your life will be. Do you have a counselor? It seems like I'm always harping on this, but I really found it useful. Before you take any direct action regarding your husband (ultimatums, promises, laying down the law, etc...) give yourself some time to cool off. It sucks right now, I know. A lot. A h*ll of a lot. Let it flow over you for a while, and don't make any promises, commitments, ultimatums, threats, etc... at least until some of it has passed. It will get better; I know this, too. I dont know how to be strong for the kids... I have personally experienced this feeling, too, right down to the very depths. At first, I thought that I was losing the thing (my wife) that I needed to give me that strength, but over time, I have come to cherish my own strength, and instead of struggling against it, I have embraced it, and I'm doing OK. It sounds like you are already the majority caregiver; hey, you have already proven yourself as far as the day-to-day stuff goes. They need you, and you will rise to the occasion in glorious fashion, because that's the stuff you are made of, and that doesn't depend on him. ...and the whole aspect of people knowing. I had asked him to at least tell me so that I could not be made a fool of which is how i feel No one will think you a fool - nor should you. In fact, from what you've described, it's more likely that others will think he's behaving scornfully. They will more likely feel sympathy for you, but because of the uncomfortable situation, they will generally be unable to express it (you did get that call, didn't you? Sounds like you've already got someone on your side, even if it's anonymously...) Accept that sympathy, but don't interpret it that they think you're a fool. I spent so much energy getting stronger to just feel like a nervous wreck right now ! The energy you spent getting stronger - that's for YOU now, not him, and it wasn't wasted. That's what you need to keep doing. Link to post Share on other sites
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