We had sex, and now he seems to have went silent

[Uptown182]

So I guess I already know the answer to this but here it goes:

 

Last Thursday had a second date, it went really well.  We went for dinner and then afterwards back to his place for a glass of wine, he was actually offering to go to a lounge but it was super cold out and he lived close by (we live 4 blocks away from each other), so he took the hint at offered to go back to his place and I said ok.  While we were back at his place, we had wine talked and then of course kissed and things got hot and heavy, meanwhile the whole time he’s saying he wants me to know he likes me and he doesn’t just want to be physical he also wants to spend time with me and all that good stuff.  After that he took me home and asked when he could see me again, we agreed on Sunday.  He texted me Friday, and then Saturday evening he was at a friendsgiving with his brothers so he texted me saying he missed me and asked me to send a picture of myself (not a lude one, just a normal nice picture), so I sent the picture and he told me he showed his brothers and that they think I’m so hot (he constantly tells me how hot, beautiful and sexy I am). Anyway Sunday he asked if I wanted to watch football with him and I said ok.  We met up at his place, and right away things got hot and heavy and we slept together, after that he said let’s go out to watch the game.  We ended up meeting up with his friends at a bar, and on our way there he told me that these are close friends of his that he’s known for 15 years and he’s introducing me to them so that should tell me how he feels about me.  We had a great time at the bar, and his friends were really nice.  When we left the bar he again reiterated that he’s never introduced a girl to those friends after only a few dates so that should tell me something.  He then asked to go for dinner, I said ok but then realized I may have drank too much and the alcohol wasn’t sitting well in my stomach (I hadn’t eaten much that day), so I told him I don’t think I can go to a place and sit and eat dinner.  He said he can take me home and If wanted we can order food to my place, so I said ok and that’s what we did.  Once I ate a bit of food I felt better and so we then sat on the couch to watch some TV and you can guess what that led to lol.  So it ended up being around 11:30pm when he left, he didn’t ask when he could see me again although he did allude to us getting together again, even saying we should go back to the place we went to on our first date but nothing concrete was planned.  So that was Sunday, Monday evening we exchanged a few texts then yesterday nothing.  His silence at this point is telling me that he really is only interested in something very casual, in my experience the serious guys usually text you daily and make plans fairly quickly after the first time you sleep together.  I just feel a bit dupped because what he was saying doesn’t match up with his actions now, I understand it’s a holiday week but he can still just send a text.  I don’t doubt that he’ll text me again at some point, but I think it’ll be with just one thing in mind.  Just wanted to get some thoughts on this situation?

For reference we’re both in our early 40’s

Edited November 23, 2022 by Uptown182

[smackie9]

Sorry but ya it's sound like it...he got what he wanted. There's no real way to predict dating, it's always a crap shoot.

[NuevoYorko]

Obviously "too much too soon."   

You didn't necessarily mess up by having sex the second time you met him but you certainly made a choice to lead with sex when you insisted you go to his place and not the lounge.   You put getting to know each other far behind, during your short experience with this guy.  There is nothing inherently wrong with having sex before you know someone - but  clearly no foundation had been built.   That's a risk, as you know,  but in this case you prioritized the sex.  

Why did you choose that route?  Seems like you weren't really very interested in getting to know him or taking some time to learn whether there was relationship potential between you.  

He apparently did see you as a person he might build a relationship with.  I do think that it's an example of "too much too soon" to have met a guy two times and him telling you "constantly" how hot, beautiful and sexy you are.  That's weird. Even creepy.   As is all the talk about how meaningful it was that he brought you to meet his friends.  It does signify interest, but he didn't know you at all - though he did definitely find you physically attractive.  

There is pretty much nowhere further to go now that you've set your pattern of quickly getting "hot and heavy" if you get together.  I expect he will reach out to you again for more of that, and it seems that will work well for you too.  So probably a win/win, in general.

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

in my experience the serious guys usually text you daily and make plans fairly quickly after the first time you sleep together..

What happened with those "serious guys" who texted daily, made plans quickly and always behaved perfectly? 

Did you end up having a LTR with them?

It appears things escalated between you very quickly.  As such he may be taking some time to catch his breath and assess the situation to determine where he'd like it to go, if anywhere. 

Then again it's only been one day you haven't heard from him and there is a big holiday coming up.  Remember he had a life before you. 

Try to not make assumptions about him, what he wants or how he feels. 

It's much too early to know anything at this point other than you're two people who are attracted to each other and had sex. 

Try and chill, lower expectations and give it time to play out. 

 

 

[Uptown182]

9 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Obviously "too much too soon."   

You didn't necessarily mess up by having sex the second time you met him but you certainly made a choice to lead with sex when you insisted you go to his place and not the lounge.   You put getting to know each other far behind, during your short experience with this guy.  There is nothing inherently wrong with having sex before you know someone - but  clearly no foundation had been built.   That's a risk, as you know,  but in this case you prioritized the sex.  

Why did you choose that route?  Seems like you weren't really very interested in getting to know him or taking some time to learn whether there was relationship potential between you.  

He apparently did see you as a person he might build a relationship with.  I do think that it's an example of "too much too soon" to have met a guy two times and him telling you "constantly" how hot, beautiful and sexy you are.  That's weird. Even creepy.   As is all the talk about how meaningful it was that he brought you to meet his friends.  It does signify interest, but he didn't know you at all - though he did definitely find you physically attractive.  

There is pretty much nowhere further to go now that you've set your pattern of quickly getting "hot and heavy" if you get together.  I expect he will reach out to you again for more of that, and it seems that will work well for you too.  So probably a win/win, in general.

Yes, I did make the mistake of prioritizing sex over getting to know him.  I think we were just really physically attracted to each other, and then once we started the sexual chemistry was super intense it was hard to stop.  I don’t know if I’d want to continue this if it will just be about sexual though.  I did bring this up to him on Sunday saying I didn’t just want this to be about sex and he agreed…but like I said his actions now aren’t marching up

[Uptown182]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What happened with those "serious guys" who texted daily, made plans quickly and always behaved perfectly? 

Did you end up having a LTR with them?

It appears things escalated between you very quickly.  As such he may be taking some time to catch his breath and assess the situation to determine where he'd like it to go, if anywhere. 

Then again it's only been one day you haven't heard from him and there is a big holiday coming up.  Remember he had a life before you. 

Try to not make assumptions about him, what he wants or how he feels. 

It's much too early to know anything at this point other than you're two people who are attracted to each other and had sex. 

Try and chill, lower expectations and give it time to play out. 

 

 

Thanks, that makes me feel better.  Years of reading articles by those dating coaches or “experts” has me second guessing the situation but deep down I know I should just relax, whatever happens happens.

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Obviously "too much too soon."   

You didn't necessarily mess up by having sex the second time you met him but you certainly made a choice to lead with sex when you insisted you go to his place and not the lounge.   You put getting to know each other far behind, during your short experience with this guy.  There is nothing inherently wrong with having sex before you know someone - but  clearly no foundation had been built.   That's a risk, as you know,  but in this case you prioritized the sex.  

Why did you choose that route?  Seems like you weren't really very interested in getting to know him or taking some time to learn whether there was relationship potential between you.  

He apparently did see you as a person he might build a relationship with.  I do think that it's an example of "too much too soon" to have met a guy two times and him telling you "constantly" how hot, beautiful and sexy you are.  That's weird. Even creepy.   As is all the talk about how meaningful it was that he brought you to meet his friends.  It does signify interest, but he didn't know you at all - though he did definitely find you physically attractive.  

There is pretty much nowhere further to go now that you've set your pattern of quickly getting "hot and heavy" if you get together.  I expect he will reach out to you again for more of that, and it seems that will work well for you too.  So probably a win/win, in general.

Also about him introducing me to his friends, He made a few comments that led me to believe he was just trying to show me off to them.  I think he finds me a bit out of his league in the physical department because of things he’s said (not sure why, he’s very sexy and attractive himself but I’ve noticed he has some insecurities). So while he was trying to make me think that him introducing me to them was because he was so into me, I think it was more that he was trying to show off.

[Calmandfocused]

I’m questioning whether he’s emotionally available. 
 

How long has this guy been single? 

[Gaeta]

I'm not seeing anything bad here. 

You are not officially a couple, at the beginning it's good to keep a bit of a distance so the attraction renews it selves. I suggest you listen on youtube the John Gray videos on how men's testosterone lowers more time they spend with women and how they need to distance themselves to rebuild that testosterone. As for us women more time we spend with our man more estrogen we build up, meaning more time we spend with them more we want to be with them...ya! nature made it real weird. 

For some men getting into bed with them too soon will kill the possibility to emotionally connect later, for other men it doesn't matter, either way it's not something they consciously control. I don't think it's too late to reconnect with this guy of yours. For this you need to change your mind set. When he gets back to you then be happy to hear from him, don't say anything about him not contacting you, remember you're not a couple. 

Oh and don't put words in his mouth. You don't know what it meant for him to introduce you to his people, you don't know how he feels, you don't read minds. Relax. 

[ShyViolet]

So he hasn't texted you for one day.  I don't think that's necessarily a reason to jump to these conclusions.  It's very close to a holiday, maybe he is genuinely busy.  Just try to relax and see if he texts you again.

I agree with what others are saying, that this seems to have moved way too fast.  But that doesn't necessarily mean it's a lost cause.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

I understand it’s a holiday week but he can still just send a text.  I don’t doubt that he’ll text me again at some point, but I think it’ll be with just one thing in mind.

He seems interested but it is a holiday. If you would like to turn this around, slow down on the drinks and ending the dates with sex.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Uptown182 said:

Years of reading articles by those dating coaches or “experts” has me second guessing the situation but deep down I know I should just relax, whatever happens happens.

And they all said to not jump into bed right away, right? 😉 (teasing you with a bit of truth).

I'm no prude, I used to jump into bed on our 2nd or 3rd date. I did not want to obey by any rules, and it got me some real good sex and not that many boyfriends. Even if we are liberal independent women who should have sex with whomever and whenever, the world (and men) are not quite there yet. 

 

 

[stillafool]

It's best in the beginning stages of dating, especially if you're looking for something serious and not just sex, to not go to their house or let them come to yours.  Also it's best not to drink too much so you don't let your guard down.  I agree with Nuevo that you seemed to be the one leading the sex.  I'm curious also why you did that.  

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Even if we are liberal independent women who should have sex with whomever and whenever, the world (and men) are not quite there yet. 

True and a lot of men think if you have sex with them at the drop of a hat you do that with other men too and they get turned off.

[Uptown182]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And they all said to not jump into bed right away, right? 😉 (teasing you with a bit of truth).

I'm no prude, I used to jump into bed on our 2nd or 3rd date. I did not want to obey by any rules, and it got me some real good sex and not that many boyfriends. Even if we are liberal independent women who should have sex with whomever and whenever, the world (and men) are not quite there yet. 

 

 

Haha no, that was my mistake.  But they do say the way a man should act after you have sex if he’s interested in more and he’s not really doing that lol

[Uptown182]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It's best in the beginning stages of dating, especially if you're looking for something serious and not just sex, to not go to their house or let them come to yours.  Also it's best not to drink too much so you don't let your guard down.  I agree with Nuevo that you seemed to be the one leading the sex.  I'm curious also why you did that.  

Because it’s been a while for me and I wanted sex, that’s the honest truth. 
 

I’m not really the type to do this, but I don’t know I guess it just got the best of me.  

Edited November 23, 2022 by Uptown182

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Because it’s been a while for me and I wanted sex, that’s the honest truth. 

So, you wanted sex more than making an impression on him, that's ok 🙂 

[NuevoYorko]

One thing that ends up being quite awkward  - once you've prioritized sex and it's what you do as soon as you get together, it's  hard to put that toothpaste back in the tube.  So you just keep doing the same thing and really not ever  building the relationship on the other levels.   

 

Edited November 23, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[NuevoYorko]

10 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Haha no, that was my mistake.  But they do say the way a man should act after you have sex if he’s interested in more and he’s not really doing that lol

You already have a pattern which has not included actually getting to know each other.   

Edited November 23, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

So that was Sunday, Monday evening we exchanged a few texts then yesterday nothing.

Text him Happy Thanksgiving, then step back. Missing one day of texting doesn't mean he's only after 'one thing'.

After 3 or so dates everything is "casual". Try not to accelerate things or panic.

Edited November 23, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

One thing that ends up being quite awkward  - once you've prioritized sex and it's what you do as soon as you get together, it's  hard to put that toothpaste back in the tube.  So you just keep doing the same thing and really not ever  building the relationship on the other levels.   

 

I do think though If we actually continue to go on real dates we can get to know each other better.  If we just keep going over each other’s houses then yes we won’t really be able to get to know each other.  Sunday he said he wanted to continue going on actual dates with me, so we’ll see what happens 

[Uptown182]

Also let me add the sex was amazing!

[Lotsgoingon]

Well if the sex was amazing, here's my take: He got scared away--not necessarily by you.

No, what often happens--and this is one reason to delay sex--is that the intensity of the sex and the emotions it creates FAR outweigh how well you know the person and how deep a relationship you have. Instant instability. I mean after having great sex with someone who you barely know, what's the next date? Go to the movies? Talk about family? You still gotta do all those basics, but now going back to the basics is all awkward. 

Another way to put this is that great sex early on  puts all kinds of pressure on the relationship. Now you get together again with the person and you have this history and no ability to really just really and chill to see if there is any genuine connection between you. 

Now there is a way to break through to him that could work. Basically you have to text him to make clear you are NOT looking for serious commitment right now. You tell him that and that raises the chances he'll contact you again. A lot of guys just assume (and there may be some truth to it) that women are more likely to want sex to turn into a relationship. This guy might have zero interest in a relationship.

So your choice: you wanna sleep with people early, this is the risk. Are you interested in more sex or do you want more with this guy?

[glows]

Did you ever message him first or are you waiting for him to initiate since yesterday? 

He seems very forced and awkward with his comments and showing your photo to others without your consent after just meeting. I’d find that eagerness and lack of privacy a complete turn off. 

See how it goes and message him if you haven’t since you seem to like him.

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

I do think though If we actually continue to go on real dates we can get to know each other better.  If we just keep going over each other’s houses then yes we won’t really be able to get to know each other. 

No matter what happens, it's not "bad" to sleep with someone early and the guy is not necessarily going to ghost you  (if that is what happens) *because* of that.   

This place is overrun with women who are sad that they are in a "casual relationship" when they want "SOMETHING MORE" with the man.  Their feelings are hurt.   Yet they made the choice to enjoy sex without anything substantial behind it - for better or worse.  Don't feel bad about yourself if this happens.  Just be aware that it's more wise, if more boring, to get to know a man for a while before having sex IF you feel there might be serious relationship potential there.