My Brother Died.

[poppyfields]

Hello everyone, I'm ready to share some sad news - my brother died of cancer, a disease he's been struggling with for the past few years. He was in his early 40s.  Married, no children. 

It happened a little less than a month ago and I'm dealing with it okay or so I thought.  I've been spending much of my energy talking with my SIL, being there for her. 

Something troubling has been happening recently however, and I question whether or not I've truly accepted it.  It's [messing with my mind] tbh.

There have been a few times recently wherein I've called him on phone to talk and my SIL has to remind me that he's gone.

It happened again this morning.  I also talk about him with hubs in the present tense and my hubs responds saying "poppy, he's passed, that happened months ago."

It's weird and I feel like I'm having a breakdown or something

Same thing happened when my mom passed, however it didn't happen when my dad passed. 

To add, I think I am pregnant again and I felt symptoms very soon after my brother passed and I missed my last period. 

I am seeing the doctor next week. 

Not sure what I'm asking y'all here, perhaps I just needed to get this out.

But if anyone has any insight into this strangeness, I am listening.

Thanks so much guys, much appreciated in advance. 

 

 

Edited November 25, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mark clemson]

Very sorry to hear about your brother's passing, poppyfields. Perhaps you were just so used to him being there that your brain is still adjusting. A month would be very quick to process a major loss, so it's not surprising at all that you'd still be "working through it".

Hopefully there is good news on the baby front!

[FMW]

I'm very sorry to hear your sad news.  

You said still expecting her to be there happened when your mom passed as well.  How did that resolve itself, or do you feel it did?  The obvious advice is to speak with a therapist, but I'm sure you've considered that.  Does your husband and sister-in-law show a high amount of concern over what's happening?  Since they know you best and understand the situation better than we might be able, I would give weight to their thoughts and advice.  

[Foxhall]

Sorry for your loss Poppyfields.

[poppyfields]

Hello @FMW, thank you for your response and condolences.

It only happens on occasion. I mean I consciously know he's gone, but sometimes it's like I totally forget!

Only to he reminded he's gone and then I snap back into reality.  

I will mention something to hubs like we need to invite P and I (brother and his wife) down for a visit and hubs will remind me he's gone.

I'm like "oh that's right, I forgot" and yes hubs is concerned and encouraging me to go to grief counseling, which I am looking into. 

I am hoping it's what @mark clemson posted (thank you mark) and is simply part of the grieving process.

I had a very difficult time after my mom passed.  We did not have a healthy relationship for many years; growing up she was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, I have posted about this previously if you're interested. 

But we made peace before she died but I admit I was not there for her in the end and I felt a lot of guilt.

But eventually, with therapy and grief counseling, I worked past it.

Wow I am totally unloading here! Which is good, I tend to keep things bottled up and don't want to burden hubs.

Even though he has assured me it's not a burden AT ALL but for some strange reason I think it is!

I mean he's my husband for chrissakes I should feel comfortable talking to him!

I'm still working these issues out. 

 

 

Edited November 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[IrinaM]

I'm so sorry for your loss Poppy.

It sounds to me like you're dealing with grief compounded (maybe?) by some "pregnancy brain." (jmo, i'm no doctor or psychiatrist obviously)

[Lotsgoingon]

So sorry for the loss. Unfortunately I have some experience, having lost two siblings about 8 years ago (within a year's time). And my sister right now is in hospice and close to death.

I'm thinking about the calls to SIL and the mentions of your brother to your husband (in present tense).

I have heard a lot of interviews with surviving relatives and it's not unusual at all for people to begin to pick up the phone to call the deceased relative. Very normal. Very normal to say to yourself, "Oh, I've got to tell that story to my brother." Only to pop back into awareness a moment later. This can happen for months and months after the death. 

On speaking in present tense about your brother, you know police actually listen for that in cases where say someone's spouse is killed. My understanding is that usually the surviving partner (who is under suspicion almost always at the start) will typically use the present tense to describe their now-dead spouse. That's normal. She doesn't go there because she dislikes ... Police consider that normal, and they can get suspicious if the surviving spouse immediately goes to past tense. But this is all in the immediate hours after the death. 

I'm wondering if you have avoided grieving FOR YOU like you need to do. You write, I've been spending much of my energy talking with my SIL, being there for her. That focus on her doesn't really work for me. I mean we're talking degrees here and sure, she would have more pain than you. But we're talk both of you in excruciating pain. You are experiencing excruciating pain. Do not understate this.

I actually found the deaths of my brothers more disorienting than the deaths of my parents. Without consciously doing so, we all know our parents will predecease us (if we and they are lucky).  Parent deaths hurt like hell. No question. Totally disorienting. Major major devasting loss. But with the deaths of my brothers (in their early 60s) all of a sudden mortality wasn't something for really old people. Mortally can come at any time. I had spent zero time or awareness thinking about sibling deaths. 

What I think is fine is for you to grieve with her-- as in sharing your own pain and disorientation alongside her. But for you to shut down (you didn't say this but I'm wondering if that's what happens because you are trying to help her) to attend to her. Nope. You're just a fraction of a degree in less pain than she is. She might have five bullet wounds to the chest. You have four! And you seem to be trying to play doctor. 

The truth is there's not a lot you can do for her right now. She will go through a period of months of grief and ups and downs. Some spouses stay in grief for years. And even when they sorta get back into the flow of life, that grief is just below the surface. What seems to really help is to invite people out--for coffee, for trips to the mall, for dinner. Or send a dinner to her ... or a gift certificate for a massage and so on. A lot of grief talk works best if it's indirect. We can't just stay right dead center on the nail of the grief and maintain sanity (in my view). And a lot of people find going to work, resuming work, to be more therapeutic and distracting (in a healthy way) than sitting around. 

So I would say quit trying to take care of your SIL right now. Taking care of her is best done by a friend of hers who is not in the deep pain and loss (and possibly trauma) that you're in. And she can go to a grief group. If you insist on continuing to call her frequently, then start the shift towards mutual care-taking where she is consoling you as much as you are consoling her. You have known your brother longer than she has. 

My guess is you're not taking care of yourself enough, that you're shutting down emotionally to "be there" for SIL and your brain is confused because you're not giving it what it needs, which is time for your own consolation!

BTW: my closest friends seemed to react more strongly and got more worried with me after my brother's deaths than they did for my parents deaths.  And they didn't listen to me talk for hours. They took me out to eat. 

 

[Alpacalia]

My condolences.

My ex-boyfriend (boyfriend at the time) was very open to me during the time of his mother's death from cancer and he explained how it affected his life. There were times when he managed to hold himself together and other times he would break down. In my opinion, you need to let your husband and others be a source of support for you, so that you can start to feel better. The process isn't going to happen overnight, so make space for yourself to grieve if you need to.

Although you grieve the same person with your SIL, you are grieving a different relationship. Try not to be afraid to just lay it out in the open with those you are closest to (when you're ready). Let them know how much you are hurting.

Grief counseling might also be really good for you. Especially since you found it helpful in the past.

Again I’m so sorry.

 

Edited November 26, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

14 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So sorry for the loss. Unfortunately I have some experience, having lost two siblings about 8 years ago (within a year's time). And my sister right now is in hospice and close to death.

I'm thinking about the calls to SIL and the mentions of your brother to your husband (in present tense).

I have heard a lot of interviews with surviving relatives and it's not unusual at all for people to begin to pick up the phone to call the deceased relative. Very normal. Very normal to say to yourself, "Oh, I've got to tell that story to my brother." Only to pop back into awareness a moment later. This can happen for months and months after the death. 

On speaking in present tense about your brother, you know police actually listen for that in cases where say someone's spouse is killed. My understanding is that usually the surviving partner (who is under suspicion almost always at the start) will typically use the present tense to describe their now-dead spouse. That's normal. She doesn't go there because she dislikes ... Police consider that normal, and they can get suspicious if the surviving spouse immediately goes to past tense. But this is all in the immediate hours after the death. 

I'm wondering if you have avoided grieving FOR YOU like you need to do. You write, I've been spending much of my energy talking with my SIL, being there for her. That focus on her doesn't really work for me. I mean we're talking degrees here and sure, she would have more pain than you. But we're talk both of you in excruciating pain. You are experiencing excruciating pain. Do not understate this.

I actually found the deaths of my brothers more disorienting than the deaths of my parents. Without consciously doing so, we all know our parents will predecease us (if we and they are lucky).  Parent deaths hurt like hell. No question. Totally disorienting. Major major devasting loss. But with the deaths of my brothers (in their early 60s) all of a sudden mortality wasn't something for really old people. Mortally can come at any time. I had spent zero time or awareness thinking about sibling deaths. 

What I think is fine is for you to grieve with her-- as in sharing your own pain and disorientation alongside her. But for you to shut down (you didn't say this but I'm wondering if that's what happens because you are trying to help her) to attend to her. Nope. You're just a fraction of a degree in less pain than she is. She might have five bullet wounds to the chest. You have four! And you seem to be trying to play doctor. 

The truth is there's not a lot you can do for her right now. She will go through a period of months of grief and ups and downs. Some spouses stay in grief for years. And even when they sorta get back into the flow of life, that grief is just below the surface. What seems to really help is to invite people out--for coffee, for trips to the mall, for dinner. Or send a dinner to her ... or a gift certificate for a massage and so on. A lot of grief talk works best if it's indirect. We can't just stay right dead center on the nail of the grief and maintain sanity (in my view). And a lot of people find going to work, resuming work, to be more therapeutic and distracting (in a healthy way) than sitting around. 

So I would say quit trying to take care of your SIL right now. Taking care of her is best done by a friend of hers who is not in the deep pain and loss (and possibly trauma) that you're in. And she can go to a grief group. If you insist on continuing to call her frequently, then start the shift towards mutual care-taking where she is consoling you as much as you are consoling her. You have known your brother longer than she has. 

My guess is you're not taking care of yourself enough, that you're shutting down emotionally to "be there" for SIL and your brain is confused because you're not giving it what it needs, which is time for your own consolation!

BTW: my closest friends seemed to react more strongly and got more worried with me after my brother's deaths than they did for my parents deaths.  And they didn't listen to me talk for hours. They took me out to eat. 

 

Thanks for this @Lots.

Interesting and quite insightful!  And actually made me feel much better.

I'll be okay.  I am just sad and miss him, we were close.  I have (had) five brothers and only really close with two and he was one of them. 

Sounds hokey but I'm hoping he's with my mom and dad now, wherever they are, in another dimension or something.

Thanks again guys!  

Happy Holidays!

[Will am I]

My condolences with your loss.

 

About your question: you’re not having a nervous breakdown. This  will just take some time to settle in. Until is has, you will be tempted to speak in the present tense.

When someone dies, essentially we’re confronted with two emotions. One is the loss itself. The other one is what I call the existential threat. Each person passing is also a  reminder of our own mortality. When the deceased is a close friend or relative, this effect can be quite strong. When they’re no longer in the older generation but in our own generation, it can feel very unsafe and threatening.

I lost both parents in my twenties and my uncle even younger so I can sympathize a little bit. But a sibling, that must truly hit home. Both on the loss and the existential threat.

Be kind to yourself and accept that it may take a while to accept this harsh reality. It’s just a lot to process.

 

Take care.

[slippinglimpse]

I am very sorry for the loss of your brother.  My sympathies to you and your family.

There is a Memoir by Joan Didion-- called "The Year of Magical Thinking".  The Author had a reaction similar to yours.

Sending positive hope and light..... for peace with time.

[Stret]

Sorry for your loss, it is sad and hard when young people leave us. 😢

About two years after my dad died - when I was 14 - a phone rang and I picked up and someone asked if they could talk to him. In that moment I turned around as if to call him but then froze and chills went down my spine because I realised he was no longer around. I guess even before that, for about a year after his death, I was expecting to hear his key turn in the door and see him walk into the house after work.  

With you it is more acute - I guess you've been thinking about him a lot and replaying some scenes from your lives these days a lot, so it might not be that strange that you're getting lost in a moment with those those thoughts and acting as if he's still around. It will get better Poppy, with time... You might be introverted and process a lot of things inside.

Look after yourself as a priority, especially if you're pregnant as you think you might be. X 

 

 

 

[Johnjohnson2017]

So sorry for your loss!!!

My father in law died two years ago and sometimes I still think of him as if he was still alive. 

Our brain works in a way that something that happened many years ago feel like they just happened yesterday. People who have died will always be in our minds and we remember the way they were.

[ms.stressed]

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time...and hopefully congratulations are in order in regards to your pregnancy symptoms.