almost 40 and no idea what to do next.

[despairingbuttrying]

I’ll be 40 years old next year and I'm really starting to panic about my future as I am fast approaching middle age.  Mid life crisis I guess.  Recently, there have been changes in my current job which I’ve been in for 5 years now.  It’s been my intention to leave this role for quite some time, more than a year infact, as it is more or less a dead end now - there is no chance of progression or promotion. 

The biggest change is that I have a new boss who is several years younger than myself and at first this bothered me but now I’m ok with it.  What’s more he is instructing the team to return to the office on a rotation/hybrid style basis from having worked full time remotely at home.  Again this is fine although will be a strange feeling after having spent almost three years home working.  What is affecting me though the most is that he has removed me as the line manager for the four/five employees I was supervising.  And even though that management was relatively basic (approving certain actions, expenses, annual leave etc.) it was still part of my job description.  I think as it’s a very small team, he feels it makes more sense for him to simply manage us all, which I can understand logically.  However, this a kick in the teeth because if anything after five years of service, it feels like I’m being demoted and penalised in some way.  So I'm quite sad, upset.  I did agree to it initially but I’m now thinking whether I should push back and try and convince him that I should still be a line manager of the other employees without obviously being too forceful.  But perhaps this is really a sign that I do indeed need to move on.  I have worked hard for this company and feel I’ve done some good work and have enjoyed some aspects to it but doesn’t feel right. 

That leads me though to the next issue – what to do next?  My struggle with work and career has been an ongoing battle since my early to mid 20s and it’s only stressed me out as I’ve got older.  I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and it is painful. I can’t say that I have a set career.  I have a college/university BA degree which is from a good university but it wasn’t vocational.  My parents always encouraged me to get qualified in something vocational throughout my 20s and early 30s but I just never knew what I wanted to do or what I wanted to be.  Now regretfully, at almost 40, I wish I had specialised in something.  Both my father and brother are medical doctors, so even though there was never any direct pressure from my family to follow that path, I always had that internal pressure, knowing that I had to have a profession of similar status like a banker, lawyer, pilot etc.  In the end, all I’ve done is a series of casual jobs over many years, long periods out of work and just generally drifted through as time has passed by.  I finally decided to commit to this current job which I’ve just talked about.  It’s basically a glorified admin role but it pays well and that’s the other reason why I think I’ve simply stuck around.  I am worried whether I’ll find anything with that same salary bracket. 

[Alpacalia]

When you are unhappy with your job, it tends to reflect in the way you perform at work, whether it is on the job or in the way you approach it.

Staying at the company and re-committing yourself to flourishing in your role is one option. You can choose to continue working at the company, and if you choose to stay there and resent being demoted, this is one option. The other is you choose to leave, and if you do, you can use the demotion as an opportunity to recognize that the organization and the role within it is not the right one for you. The danger of staying and complaining is that you may eventually become viewed as a toxic influence by your supervisors and colleagues, which may lead to your dismissal.

You have to make a conscious choice to stay or go, but you can’t be half in and half out.

Edited November 26, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

I’m sorry to hear you’re so disappointed and can see why this is jarring. Restructuring is benefiting the company. It’s not personal. See how it goes in the new admin position and don’t make any hasty moves just yet. The role may grow or maybe you’ll be able to move laterally or apply for another position in another department. 

Whatever it is don’t leave out of emotions and disappointment alone. Have something else mapped out for yourself and have a purpose to what you’re doing. I’d be curious what this admin role is about actually. There may be a lot of room there to change and develop new systems. You have the additional benefit of having more time to yourself instead of managing a team.

[despairingbuttrying]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

When you are unhappy with your job, it tends to reflect in the way you perform at work, whether it is on the job or in the way you approach it.

Staying at the company and re-committing yourself to flourishing in your role is one option. You can choose to continue working at the company, and if you choose to stay there and resent being demoted, this is one option. The other is you choose to leave, and if you do, you can use the demotion as an opportunity to recognize that the organization and the role within it is not the right one for you. The danger of staying and complaining is that you may eventually become viewed as a toxic influence by your supervisors and colleagues, which may lead to your dismissal.

You have to make a conscious choice to stay or go, but you can’t be half in and half out.

Thank you for the reply.  I think that's it, either commit myself fully and try to shake off the resentment or start looking into new work.  Over the Christmas period I will do my best to look for other work and see what happens.  I'm not someone  I just need direction and purpose and something that really inspires me but I think that's the real issue, I've never found that in my entire life.  It's like I've been waiting for that lightbulb moment where I feel led to a certain career but that I guess will never happen.  

[despairingbuttrying]

2 hours ago, glows said:

I’m sorry to hear you’re so disappointed and can see why this is jarring. Restructuring is benefiting the company. It’s not personal. See how it goes in the new admin position and don’t make any hasty moves just yet. The role may grow or maybe you’ll be able to move laterally or apply for another position in another department. 

Whatever it is don’t leave out of emotions and disappointment alone. Have something else mapped out for yourself and have a purpose to what you’re doing. I’d be curious what this admin role is about actually. There may be a lot of room there to change and develop new systems. You have the additional benefit of having more time to yourself instead of managing a team.

I think jarring is the best word to describe how I'm feeling right now.  My role is still classed as a "manager" role and it appears that I will be doing all the same things as before, just not the managing of the smaller team.  Unfortunately, the company is just 6 people, that's it.  It's just a tiny organisation so there's no other departments or anything or opportunities to move around. 

Do you think it would be ok to email him and tell him my concerns without coming across resentful or annoyed by the decision and somehow convey my desire to still be a line manager for the other employees?  I'm thinking of writing an email. 

Like I said above, I need to find some purpose and direction in my life, something really inspires but I've never found it.  Perhaps I thought about setting up my own business and doing my own thing but I have no idea where to start or what type of business that would be.  

I've got enough savings to last me without working and will have income from renting my room in my property so I could potentially afford to not work for a year or so but obviously that's not ideal.  I can't just quit and have nothing to move onto.  

 

 

Edited November 26, 2022 by despairingbuttrying

[Els]

Loyalty to a company is, for better or worse, largely an outdated concept in the modern world. As you have seen, companies have no loyalty to you. And years at a company doesn't really count as much as (or correlate with) job title and seniority in this day and age. 5 years is a long time to be with one company, at least in my line of work.

I strongly suggest that you start putting out feelers to other companies. You don't have to take every job you are offered, but just get an idea of what's out there, interview with some people, take a peek at other companies' cultures, see if you like anything you see. If you have been a line manager for 5 years, that is a significant amount of managerial experience and you could look at managerial roles. If you don't find anything you like, you can stay until you do. If you DO get a job offer that you like, you can consider leaving for that other job. But if you think you might prefer to stay at your current company if offered a managerial role, that job offer could potentially be leverage for you to get a better offer from your boss (if you go this route, you have to have your ducks in a line and be prepared to leave for the other job if they don't counteroffer).

Perhaps you could also see if you can attend networking events for people in your industry, which would help you make contacts and give you an idea of what you're interested in. Are you on LinkedIn?

 

Edited November 26, 2022 by Elswyth

[glows]

If you decide to quit have a plan as the gap will be questioned by future employers. 

I’m curious why the line manager role is important to you. You haven’t said anything about the role that you enjoy or like. I don’t think writing an email in disagreement with your boss is helpful as the decision has been made. What you can do is find out more about your current position and see what others are available out there for you.

You’re not obligated to your company in any way but have a plan. It seems you lack passion in your work and are finding it difficult to find a sense of accomplishment.

Edited November 26, 2022 by glows

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Thank you for the reply.  I think that's it, either commit myself fully and try to shake off the resentment or start looking into new work.  Over the Christmas period I will do my best to look for other work and see what happens.  I'm not someone  I just need direction and purpose and something that really inspires me but I think that's the real issue, I've never found that in my entire life.  It's like I've been waiting for that lightbulb moment where I feel led to a certain career but that I guess will never happen.  

Of course.

Sadly, not everyone is lucky enough to find their dream job, and many people have to settle for the least amount of job they can find just to make ends meet.

Working in a field that is not related to your interests can be challenging, especially if you are not passionate about it. Although, this could be an opportunity for you to extend your knowledge and skills, which will enhance your marketability for a position in the future. 

I've seen my sister go through law school and practice law for a while and then decide it's not for her. She eventually started her own company, was successful, and sold it for a nice profit. One of my cousins is a doctor. He also considers switching careers. Happens. It just proves that life is not always put together for us even in the most high-profile jobs. Dream jobs sometimes turn into nightmares.

In the meantime, can you talk to your manager about trying new tasks to add variety to your day? Talk to members of the business management team about how your skills could be used to benefit the company as a whole. Changes in your daily schedule may enable you to appreciate your career in a new light. Connect with professionals in and outside of your field by networking. Talking to others may light a fire under you to figure out why you feel bored at your job and what the best next steps are. Shadowing and fellowship programs are great too.

Now you just have to challenge yourself to do something about it. If you have the chance, try to come up with a list of questions to ask yourself, and really assess who you are in your own situation. Would you say that this is a reaction to your demotion or does it go beyond that? A good first step towards resolving your situation and moving forward is understanding how you got there.

[despairingbuttrying]

So it's about a month now since the new younger boss who took over and it's not going well.  The issue I have is that there is quite a bit of micromanagement and him being rather stressed out and pedantic, over working and taking everything very seriously (obviously trying to make an impression) and with going back into the office half the time to do a job that I have never really enjoyed is making me rather miserable and feeling lifeless.  I much prefer older bosses who are more fair and balanced and far more laid back because they get to an age where they realise there is more to life than work and getting ahead.  Anyway, I can’t see this situation improving in the new year and after five years here, I feel I have done my time.  I need to move on. 

But again, I'm feeling the anxiety and tension rising up over not just this issue but my life, my future.  40 next year, still single, dating without ever finding that connection with a woman, no children, I just think what has my life amounted to... I'm trying my best to shake that disappointment, fear of the future and a sense of failure.  

 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

So it's about a month now since the new younger boss who took over and it's not going well.  The issue I have is that there is quite a bit of micromanagement and him being rather stressed out and pedantic, over working and taking everything very seriously (obviously trying to make an impression) and with going back into the office half the time to do a job that I have never really enjoyed is making me rather miserable and feeling lifeless.  I much prefer older bosses who are more fair and balanced and far more laid back because they get to an age where they realise there is more to life than work and getting ahead.  Anyway, I can’t see this situation improving in the new year and after five years here, I feel I have done my time.  I need to move on. 

But again, I'm feeling the anxiety and tension rising up over not just this issue but my life, my future.  40 next year, still single, dating without ever finding that connection with a woman, no children, I just think what has my life amounted to... I'm trying my best to shake that disappointment, fear of the future and a sense of failure.  

 

It's scary, for sure. You're reaching a new milestone. Good on you that you identified an unsatisfactory situation and are taking steps to change it. 

Every day, you'll find you still learn something new, experience something new. If anything, I've learned that I'm no where near having 'seen it all', nor will I be if I live to be 100. Life and the universe hold endless things to explore, discover and experience.

I hope you get to be one of the lucky ones who lives a long, happy life. In the meanwhile, just enjoy 'today' as much as possible, soak up all the wonderful moments with those close to your heart and be thankful you are here and able to do so.