how a traumatic marriage impacts a man's start of next relationship - mid life love

[glows]

14 minutes ago, Zoewong said:

We had sex first time therefore the language has been sexual. He also use terms like "I love you", "I miss you so deeply" etc.
My divorce also not finalized. We had custody agreement and now work on asset division. This doesn't impact me going out to date anyone though.

Having been through a divorce and separation I disagree. It’s much different after the divorce compared to being separated. Like you, I dated here and there while separated but also found there were a greater number of people like this man with far more convoluted issues and baggage than I did. The people attracted to you are unavailable because you’re not fully divorced or available. This may offend you and it’s not my intention. I had the same feelings of indignation and disbelief because I very much felt single or so I thought. 

It doesn’t mean you can’t date or enjoy the company of others but it does mean also being more careful in the way you screen your dates. Acknowledge the fact that you are absolutely not single until you’re divorced completely. I’d steer clear of this guy as he seems to drag you down. You’re picking someone just like you when there are better out there. Work on ending your marriage and getting back on your feet. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

52 minutes ago, Zoewong said:

How many of his current behavior can be attributed to his traumatic experience and current drama going on?

You have an odd desire to make this all about trauma, OP. You are creating an entire narrative around this supposed trauma, when even he doesn't seem to be doing that. He's a man with a difficult ex-wife. That doesn't mean he is suffering the way you seem to assume he must be. 

52 minutes ago, Zoewong said:

How about the kids may have conditions also given the mom's abusive behavior.

Pure speculation on your part. You know nothing about these children or how they're doing. You heard his son crying once, and you are again leaping to the conclusion that it's because he's traumatized. 

I would say the one with unsolved truama isn't him - it's you. You are deeply attached to the very notion of traumatic experience, and it suggests you have not yet resolved your own past, but instead are projecting them onto this man. I would take a big step back and work on healing more. 

Edited November 27, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Weezy1973]

@Zoewong He’s just not that into you. You’re good enough for casual sex to him, but not someone he wants a relationship with. And since you want more than casual sex with him, it’s probably wise to end things so you can move on to someone that does want a relationship with you. 

[ShyViolet]

You keep fixating on "his trauma, his trauma" when really that is not the point.  His personal issues are not your problem to fix and they're frankly none of your business.  The point is that this man is not interested in a relationship with you, and he has showed you that clearly with his behavior.  It's not your place to try and analyze his ex-wife and his kids and their issues.  

2 hours ago, Zoewong said:

There are many red flags yes like he wouldn't tell me where he lives, may not use his real phone number. He went long period without responding, he doesn't have time to see me, he isn't interested in getting to know me and he doesn't tell me much his side.

Can you read the above again?  You say this as if it's a footnote, a minor detail.  This is the whole thing: He is not interested in you.  How long are you going to keep chasing this man?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Zoewong said:

My divorce also not finalized. We had custody agreement and now work on asset division. 

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. If it's just hookup that's fine for now as long as you refrain from emotional involvement as he is not in the state of mind for that.

[Lotsgoingon]

Hold on you wanted casual sex and this guy couldn't do casual sex in a way that felt safe and sane and fun.

There is nothing for you to do but STAY AWAY! His wounds are such that they interfere with even casual sex. STAY AWAY. 

 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Zoewong said:

He also use terms like "I love you", "I miss you so deeply" etc

Isn’t that a HUGE red flag when he is still married to another woman?

4 hours ago, Zoewong said:

My divorce also not finalized.  This doesn't impact me going out to date anyone though.

With all due respect, maybe it should. 

Edited November 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Zoewong said:

But his ex is like a criminal. It's extreme case.

All the more reason to take a pass… 

5 hours ago, Zoewong said:

I feel he is sincere and if I give him time slowly he may learn to open up.

Don’t spend too much time trying to heal this ‘traumatized’ man… lest you discover that you missed out on the opportunity to find true happiness in a healthy relationship. 

Edited November 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[JTSW]

On 11/27/2022 at 7:35 AM, Zoewong said:

He was unwilling to say anything about himself but from pieces of info, his ex was not only mentally unstable, she is almost like a criminal stealing his money. She doesn't even care about what her family thinks of her, and she did not even love the two kids.

And he told you all this? Have you seen any solid facts about her mental state? Have you witnessed it yourself?

My guess is no. That you only have his word for all of this.

You seem to take everything he tells you as paramount.

I think everything he is telling you is BS.

On 11/27/2022 at 7:35 AM, Zoewong said:

I noticed that he did not know french kiss, did not know how to use condom, and cum prematurely. It seems he did not have a lot of sexual experience.

BS. He was married for at least 10 years, has 2 kids. 

He knows exactly what to do. He is just acting vulnerable.

Playing with your emotions.

On 11/27/2022 at 7:35 AM, Zoewong said:

His language to me is 100% sexual.

This says it all. He doesn't want anything else with you. Sex is all that he's interested in with you.

On 11/27/2022 at 7:35 AM, Zoewong said:

He could not find time to meet again as he seems to spend his 24 hours either working, sleeping or with kids. He used very vague language like "maybe next week".

He never asked any questions about me and even when I talked about myself, he does not respond much. He treated me very casually (or primarily for sex)

Again, he's not romantically interested.

He just wants sex.

You need to wake up OP and stop romanticising this guy. 

He's just feeding you enough BS info to keep you having sex with him.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/27/2022 at 2:35 AM, Zoewong said:

I met someone for casual sex . He checked all the boxes MD/PHD, cute, caring etc.

Make sure you are not trying to buy a Maserati with no engine in it.  Even though you've collected a dossier on him and it checks out, you claim he's a terrible lover and too wrapped up in divorce and custody drama to want a relationship. Step back and decide what you wish from a situation.

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, Zoewong said:

How many of his current behavior can be attributed to his traumatic experience and current drama going on? Can you imagine a doctor (works 10 hours a day min) and need to take care of his own two kids (12 and 13) as much as possible so the kids don't have to have anything to do with the mom, at the same time deal with court paper, hearings and crazy mean ex?

How about the kids may have conditions also given the mom's abusive behavior. For example, on the phone the 12 year old boy was crying a little. I have a 12 year old boy too and it's rare he would get up in the morning and cry. I am trying to say he may have to deal with kids situation also. But this is pure guess.

I think clearly he is not in the situation for more, but I also feels he is sincere and if I give him time slowly he may learn to open up. But again he may never ever able to recover from the previous trauma either.  

None of this is really your business is it.

You're far too focused on his 'traumatic' experience but at the same time you don't really know anything.

It's all assumption on your part.

You don't even know what the kid was crying about. All kids are different. 

You are so blinded by your feelings for this guy that you cant see all the red flags slapping you in the face.

You only see what you want to see. You believe everything he says when you shouldn't.

You need to let it go. 

He doesn't want a relationship with you.

[Els]

5 hours ago, JTSW said:

None of this is really your business is it.

You're far too focused on his 'traumatic' experience but at the same time you don't really know anything.

It's all assumption on your part.

You don't even know what the kid was crying about. All kids are different. 

You are so blinded by your feelings for this guy that you cant see all the red flags slapping you in the face.

You only see what you want to see. You believe everything he says when you shouldn't.

You need to let it go. 

He doesn't want a relationship with you.

This.

Also... a MD who "doesn't know how to use condoms" either slept his way through med school, or is straight up lying.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can be friends with someone still suffering from trauma. But even then you want to be careful because the main point for people in trauma is to go get help and get that trauma treated, clinically, with a highly skilled professional or team of professionals. 

You NEVER want to date someone suffering trauma who is not actively, aggressively involved in healing and treatment. I can say this as someone from a family with a lot of trauma. There was nothing girlfriends who could for me other than suffer--as long as I wasn't getting treated. The smart women who encountered the younger me, noticed the problems and stayed away.

Looking back, I wasn't ready to date seriously before I got the right treatment. I couldn't take care of myself--how the heck could I be there for someone else?!

 

[Zoewong]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You can be friends with someone still suffering from trauma. But even then you want to be careful because the main point for people in trauma is to go get help and get that trauma treated, clinically, with a highly skilled professional or team of professionals. 

You NEVER want to date someone suffering trauma who is not actively, aggressively involved in healing and treatment. I can say this as someone from a family with a lot of trauma. There was nothing girlfriends who could for me other than suffer--as long as I wasn't getting treated. The smart women who encountered the younger me, noticed the problems and stayed away.

Looking back, I wasn't ready to date seriously before I got the right treatment. I couldn't take care of myself--how the heck could I be there for someone else?!

 

really helpful to reflect on your own experience as a man. 

Another theory is that this guy may not have much mental issue except being unset by his ex. And just being super busy with the whole mass. I was in that same state two years ago. I did not have time to think of meeting anyone. All my energy went to stabilizing kids and taking control the drama. Gradually I returned back to be my original person happy and optimistic. 

but this is a good reminder that ultimately one should really focus on being well and balance before (s)he can provide a healthy relationship to another soul.