Losing friends as you get older

[Supernova11]

I think many people can relate to this, in my 20’s I had a ton of friends, then I went travelling, came back in my 30s and still managed to make a lot of friends in my new town.

But now, in my 40’s I’ve become super picky about who I call a friend and this has led to shedding a load of friends and it’s actually quite a hard process because it’s been extremely hard to make new likeminded ones.

As Taylor Swift says in her great song ‘you know when it’s time to go’, I should not be keeping friends in my life who are inconsistent, who cancel last minute and its not the first time, who say they will shop for you when you’re ill and then make every excuse not to. And so I will distance or ask people to leave if I have sat with my feelings and still think it’s the right thing.

But the reality is when I lose friends it is really hard to make new likeminded ones.

The last new friend I made was at the beginning of 2020 just before Covid. I met her on a coach trip of all things! We just got talking randomly and she is a very good friend now. In the right place, at the right time.

I wondered if some people are going through this process of shedding friends, knowing it’s the right thing but feeling lonely because it’s hard to make new likeminded ones and what they have done about it and most importantly, what has helped them going through it?

 

Edited November 27, 2022 by Supernova11

[Alpacalia]

First. I love that you quoted a Taylor Swift Song (love TS).

I think what you're experiencing is quite normal. 

Making new friends takes time, something that is hard to find these days. Instead, you lament the shrinking circle of friends. You're not alone.

I have lost a couple friends here and there due to similar reasons but the friends I have now I have had for pretty much my entire life. 

Having friends who are sometimes ambivalent about making and keeping plans is not unusual. But I doubt you'll break up with half (or all) of your indecisive friends.

Remember too that who you are in your 20s and who you are in your 40s are different. Things shift. Normalize the idea that often friendships end, that it is okay, and that it can actually be constructive. Getting older means you're going to lose some of your friends. At the end of the day, that might actually be a good thing for you. Age tends to lend us to remain with only those who truly understand us and that we truly understand to. The chance to connect deeply and truly does not arrive often. 

Try some new things. Experiment and expand your horizons. Never know; you might just like these new adventures. Plus, it will present the opportunity to meet new people and explore new places.

Be wise about who you allow into your inner circle. Make that a plan moving forward. Your troop does not need to include everyone. Prioritize the people who should be included (i.e. those that you trust and are able to open up to). Think about what each member of your troop brings along with what you bring.

Invest less energy in some friendships and not letting them unsteady your ship.

If you are clear about what your friends are and how they play a role in your life, you are free to enjoy them for what they are and for what they are not. 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

Oh I can definitely relate to this.  I entered my 40s not too long ago.  I've never been a person who's had a lot of friends.  Always just a select few.

When I was in my 20s I had friends who I related to at the time.  I outgrew many of those friendships and I've really pared down my list of friends as I've gotten older.  I don't feel bad about that at all.  I'm not going to make an effort to keep a friendship alive just because we've been friends a certain amount of time, if that friendship is no longer working and if it's causing me more negative emotions than positive.  I've drifted apart from most of the people who I was friends with when I was in my 20s, as we grew in different directions.

Yes as I've gotten older I've noticed that it's harder than ever to make new friends, and it doesn't seem to happen very often.  I'm ok with that.  If I happen to meet people naturally then fine, I am not going to go out and try and force it.

[glows]

11 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

it’s hard to make new likeminded ones and what they have done about it and most importantly, what has helped them going through it?

 

I don’t have any advice on this as I’ve mostly been quite independent from a young age. I feel lucky that I have close and old friendships but the honest truth is I don’t feel like I’ve put any effort into them. They’re just there. We like to laugh a lot and we catch up when we can. My closest and dearest friend has known me since we were 4 in kindergarten. We still make fun of each other and the fights we got into.

Keep in mind old friends resurface too or you may weave in and out of one another’s lives. You may be likeminded for two years and then find you’re evolving in different areas. People are not static and no one is your carbon copy. I like letting people be whoever they are and if we get along that’s wonderful. And if we don’t, maybe some other time. I don’t have any rigid ideas or rules about friendship. I also don’t feel I’ve ever been crossed badly or wronged badly by someone. You can let that go. If someone is too different from you, just let em go. 

Have you tried volunteering or joining interest groups? It’s a great way to meet people with the same interests.

[Supernova11]

Rather than reply individually, I just wanted to say thanks for your encouragement. On the subject of volunteering, I have tried this in the past.  One type of volunteering worked well and I am still doing it but haven’t made any friends from it - litter picking!

I started doing this about 4 years ago with a local group for an hour and a half every month. Afterwards, everyone has danish pastries, tea and a bit of a natter. The people who go are lovely but I haven’t met anyone who I would try and get to know out of the group. Still, it lifts my spirits, there is something surprisingly mindful about it and we have good links with our council so often people will approach us because we are wearing high vis jackets and we can feedback issues raised by locals to the council.

You could argue after 4 years of being in the group and not making any friends, its probably quite unlikely I will make any? People have come and gone, usual turn out is anything from 6 - 30! But I keep going because I care about the environment and the people are nice. Thoughts?

The other thing I did about 6 years ago for a charity was a type of mentoring. The charity pair you off with people that you meet with as often as you’re able, mine was once a month. They might have mental health issues, or loneliness, or a disability. The problem as you may already have realised was that you only end up interacting with one person and actually you end up as a carer so its not really an opportunity to meet people. I found it too difficult dealing with someone with a lot of problems, and felt like I had to put on a face. Sadly I could tell the person was really enjoying our meetings but I had to stop, even though it was once a month, after a busy week at work, I used to dread the week where we would meet.

Any suggestions on what you think would be good volunteering opportunities for me? I work monday to friday and most of my weekends are clear but sometimes I do have to cancel a day or two before because I need to work at the weekend. It doesn’t happen much but it can happen.

[Alpacalia]

Try to stick with volunteer activities that are important to you and give you energy.

I volunteered for quite a few years at animal shelters. I am an animal lover and so I chose that. I remember the first day they threw me into the kennel with this big Pitbull like dog and I almost wee-wee'd my pants I was so scared. Volunteering is taxing so be mindful of that. I volunteered at a couple kill shelters it was tough. The flip side of that is that so many others were saved and adopted out and just having that social interaction lifts their spirits.

Do you have any skills that would be a good fit for a specific charity? How much time can you afford to invest? If you're short on time you could offer to do seasonal volunteering like soup kitchens and coat drives for the homeless. Check out VolunteerMatch.org. It's a great network and may give you some additional ideas.

 

 

 

Edited November 28, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Stret]

I have the same thing happening now in my 40s. I guess you become wiser and pickier with whom you spend your time. You don't want time-wasters, unreliable people, gossipers, etc. And when you clean out these people out of your life, you are left with a few friends only - and that, if you're lucky. 

Sport helps - if you play any team sports, or even individual sports like tennis, join the local club. 

Edited November 28, 2022 by Stret

[Foxhall]

Am of a similar age- Have a few difficulties with this also,

My problem is the people- really the friends I had in my 20s- they are always the ones I have felt most comfortable with,

 

Yet for one reason or another they dont want to meet up anymore (perhaps they dont like me any longer or simply our group drifted apart)

Anyway while I still have "new friends"- the problem is I cannot truly be myself with them- its as if I have to act a certain way and hold back on my true thoughts,

its not a big deal I suppose, have adjusted,  but would miss the old days at certain times of the year.

 

[glows]

That’s a wonderful thing what you’re doing litter picking and helping the community even if it’s once every few weeks. Has no one organized a dinner or brunch on a different day that you usually meet? Would you be interested in meeting with them more often or in a different setting? 

Kudos to you for taking on mentoring as well. It can be draining. If it’s not for you best not to pursue or force yourself. You did the right thing moving on if it wasn’t for you. 

 

 

[Supernova11]

13 hours ago, glows said:

That’s a wonderful thing what you’re doing litter picking and helping the community even if it’s once every few weeks. Has no one organized a dinner or brunch on a different day that you usually meet?

 

Thanks for your replies. I’m not sure I would really want to meet with them more often. Nice people but that’s kind of it.  Keep thinking maybe someone new might come along though. Yes I really enjoy it actually, it’s surprisingly mindful! Danish pastries are pretty great too! 

[mortensorchid]

As we get older the want and need to socialize goes down.  There are a lot of reasons behind this.  I am sad to say that I have had fallings out with a few people over the years.  Only one I reached out to and we made peace.  But guess what?  I have been so burned and hurt by others that the best thing to do is to just be by myself and keep to myself.  It doesn't matter if I do or don't like someone / something, or if they don't like me.  I just mind my own business and others do the same. 

Find things to do with your time that are wholesome and fulfilling.  I got involved with theater and now enjoy stage managing and being on boards and committees for theater companies.  I like martial arts, working out, and cooking.  Others?  Some others never outgrow certain things.  I googled a former friend of mine and a local newspaper did a story on her of the last time she got fall down, stupid drunk and left her two year old daughter in a hotel room for 3 hours while she was drinking in the hotel bar.  She had to call her mom to bail her out of jail.  And last we spoke, she leaned into me about this stupid thing I did years ago where she had no respect for me.  SMH ... 

 

[mark clemson]

I think adult friendships tend to be more driven by common interests than in youth, when simply "being there" and easy to communicate with/relate to was often enough. Many adults focus on family and work. However, when there's a hobby/interest you genuinely like and they do too, it becomes something they're willing to spend time and energy on and are happy to "share" with you.

I've known a few people (both women) who seemed to transcend this and still have "hang out" friends as adults, so perhaps the above isn't true for everyone. But generally, from what I've seen, adults tend to have a reason such as a common activity to really gravitate towards friendship.

Edited December 17, 2022 by mark clemson

[BC1980]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It's definitely difficult to maintain friendships as an adult. Difficult to make new friends too. My friends with young children don't have the time, and they'd rather be with their families anyway. Completely understandable. 
I tend to be more of an extrovert, but my time is mostly taken up with work or spending time with my family. I don't particularly want to socialize on the weekends after working all week. 

I have a long standing friendship that has fizzled out over the years. One thing I've learned is that friendships change over time. You may not necessarily feel the need to hang out with the person all the time, but you could still call them anytime. 

I've made one solid friend as an adult, and we met at work. We no longer work together, but we have maintained our friendship. 
 

[FMW]

I'm 57 and still make new friends from time to time.  Over the past 10 years I've made a few new friends that I'm very close to now, and then there is the larger group of more casual friendships.  But even some of those I think could probably deepen given time.  

I am no longer in regular contact with friends I had while growing up, in large part because we all left the small town we grew up in and moved far away in all different directions. Some of us have had several moves over the years.  I've never felt that I was losing friends through this process though, probably because I continued making new ones.  I think maybe having moved around a lot and not settling down in one spot until recent years created the environment for me to continue being open to spending time getting to know new people and letting them get to know me.  The alternative would have been very boring.  Even though I'm now where I plan to be for the rest of my life, the practice of being open to getting to know new people is part of who I am now (or maybe always was, who knows).  Of course living in a large metropolitan area helps keep the opportunities coming.  

We tend to have the opportunities to meet lots of new people when we are children and teenagers because of school and extracurricular activities.  Opportunities do probably lessen as we become adults and then we have to make an effort, friends don't just appear as they seemed to when we were young.  Also, I think we were less judgmental about others when we were young and didn't have so many walls up to keep people out.  

I've definitely noticed along the way there are a lot of people who are happily settled in one spot permanently and at a certain point no longer feel the need (or have the time) to put effort into making new friends.  They are happy with the friends and social groups they've had for a very long time and don't give an opening to new people.  And then there are probably more nomadic people like I've been that don't see the point in making friends if they intend to continue roaming.  

As has been mentioned, we do change over time, I know I certainly have and continue to do so.  Divorcing and being single again at this stage in life probably has added to that, but I think it's something that happens to everyone.  The vast spectrum of life experiences change us, and for different people in different ways. 

My chosen hobby or way of spending much of my free time, whatever you want to call it, puts me in the position to meet a lot of new people from a lot of places.  I think finding hobbies and activities that you enjoy and allow you to meet others with that shared interest is a great start.  You then can discover if you have other interests and life views in common that provide the opportunity for real friendship.  

 

 

 

Edited December 20, 2022 by FMW

[TheEternalPessimist]

I'm almost 30 and barely have any friends. I do not feel sad or ashamed of it, I see it as a new phase in life for me. 

[mortensorchid]

I also think as well that there are certain factors in life we have to consider with others.  I'd posted about this in other threads in the past, but I have come to these conclusions about people:

1) Lifelong vs. Seasonal - There are some people who are lifetime friends, others are not.  Some are meant to be with you for just a few years or just a season or two.  Then what?  Then you move on from them and they you.  And you both change during those times, for better or for worse, and you have nothing in common anymore.  LTRs are hard things because you both go through a lot of changes and dramatics and whatnot.  But, some relationships are not meant to be LTRs, some are just meant to be short term and that's that. 

2) Isolation - We live now in a very odd world where people are not active with their communities anymore.  They always say that the best way to make friends and meet others is to get involved with your community in some way.  This is certainly true, but no one does it anymore.  They just drop the balls and do nothing.  Why?  They don't care.  That's the only answer I have to this. And they don't have enough courtesy to even respond.  Cancel Culture?  It's a form of it.  But there are just as many contradictions as well - Those same people who are lamenting about the fact that they don't have friends don't even do anything in order to make them. 

3) Users - Some people are only friends with you if there is something in it for them.  Fact.  Unfortunately you don't know this about the person until you actually get to know one another.  

4) Patterns of behavior - Look at some people's behavior patterns with others.  Do they have falling outs / burning bridges with others?  Chances are you will be one of them.  It has nothing to do with you per say, it's how the other person operates.  If they do or say something to offend you or cause them to stop speaking to you, it has nothing to do with you.  It's them.

5) Nostalgia - Are you still friends with those that you went to high school with?  How about kindergarten?  Chances are you aren't, or you only talk once a year.  Why?  You have nothing in common with them anymore.  Know what?  It's fine.  You were clinging to memories.  You are not that person anymore and neither are they.  They teach these things in Alcoholics Anonymous / Narcotics Anonymous - If you take the drinking / drugs / sex out of the relationship, what do you have left?  Chances are, not much.  Well guess what?  If you take other things out of the relationship (sense of rivalry, athletics, etc.) which are not related to evils (ex. drinking), you also have nothing left either.  

What is a person to do?  Just keep moving forward, have hope, and don't be afraid.