Trying Again.

[AmyO90]

My partner and I (we have a 5y old daughter) split last year for a few reasons, one being money issues, the second being that I discovered he had previously slept with a woman from his workplace.
I had suspicions that it was going on at the time (2019-2020) but when I confronted both of them was told I was being silly, they're just colleagues, work friends etc.

Fast forward about 16 months and I decided that I would like to try and make our relationship work. (not just because we were a family, but we have a long history together).  I knew this would be mentally challenging, he would have it easy and come back like nothings changed but I would need to work on trying to trust again. ( I have been cheated on by a previous partner when younger too so knew what I had coming).  

The person who he had the affair with had moved departments within the company and had little to nothing to do with his work. Now however, she is very much back in the picture. They share the same regional area. I have just spent the weekend rather low as he was away with her at the national conference which I knew would be challenging. I am a sucker for my own torture, clearly, and have now found photos on Facebook (group not just them 2) which I know she is posting solely for me to see. She blocked me previously but that has changed and I believe it's because she wants me to see the photos that they're in together.

He promises me that it will never happen again but it just doesn't sit right with me that they're in the same work groups again.. surely I am ok to not be happy that the woman who broke up my family is now back. 

Please can I have some opinions/thoughts/even advice on this matter...

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, AmyO90 said:

he would have it easy and come back like nothings changed but I would need to work on trying to trust again

What has he done to actively regain that trust? 

[AmyO90]

So we've only been 'trying again' for about 2 months, he has taken the password off his phone and leaves it around a lot, I don't use it but this gesture was never here before. Also calling more when he has to stay away for work.

Not sure what else can be done, surely time is the healer.

[glows]

1 hour ago, AmyO90 said:

 I knew this would be mentally challenging, he would have it easy and come back like nothings changed but I would need to work on trying to trust again.

Reconciliations take a great deal of remorse and desire to change. If your husband didn’t ever feel any remorse nor show you he is committed to being faithful it was a mistake taking him back. You’re repeating the same thing over again, hoping for a different result - the definition of insanity.

Ask yourself whether anything is ever going to change or whether you’re always looking over your shoulder. Your confidence is shaken and very low. 

[stillafool]

I agree that your mistake was getting back with this guy since you clearly don't trust him.   He is your child's father but living together and a long history doesn't make him family.  You should be worried more about his actions than what she's posting on FB.  It will help you to not look at her social media as that can trigger your insecurities.

[smackie9]

I know it's always easier to blame the outsider (Her), rather than the person you care about. She didn't breakup your family, they both did...but he was the one that made that choice.

The reality is, this woman will never be out of his life, and he can't help it that she works for the same company. He had to go to this convention regardless, and everyone posed for the photo because that is company etiquette.  This has nothing to do with her, this is about him and whether you trust him or not. If you want this to work, stop stalking her on SM. Focus on your relationship. 

[Stret]

In the situation you describe, I wouldn't be able to trust a guy who cheated and then lied about cheating. His promise now means nothing. 

If there is any way you can take care of yourself and your daughter alone, while giving yourself a chance to meet someone who will not take away your energy and make you miserable - do it. Do it even if it takes years, will be hard, and will make you temporarily sad. It would be better for your kid too to see her mother happy and enthusiastic, even if with another man. That way she can develop in mentally healthier way and in healthier environment.  

[emotionallybroken9]

Hi Amy, it’s fine to want to get back together and see if it works, but your posts is screaming at us that this attempt at reconciliation is for the wrong reasons. 
 

why are you getting back together?

 

did he change?

did he prove himself to be someone you trust? 

did you change? 

are you financially dependant on him?

What have you been doing for the last 16 months? 
 

there’s so much going on here in the background that we’d need to know to help! But we’re here for u!

 

it reeeeeeally sounds like getting back together RIGHT NOW is a bad idea. 
 

he should be going out of his way to make sure you never have to interact with his affair partner. The fact he’s in a picture with her is a red flag. 
 

remember the red flags you ignored during the affair and turns out you should entrusted your gut? Or if u had this forum it would’ve helped you know the affair was happening?

 

well, him still working with her is a huuuuuge red flag. Him coming back with no change is a huuuuge red flag. 
 

look out for yourself, please! Give it more time! If it’s money, there’s child and spousal support. If it’s something else, talk to us
 

 

[JTSW]

Unfortunately it seems he is always going to be around this woman and your growing insecurities will eat away at you.

I agree with others who say you made the mistake of taking him back.

He cheated and they both gaslighted you, making you think you were crazy for thinking such a thing.

That's just nasty.

Personally I would never be able to trust him again after that.

Especially when he still around her all the time and they could rekindle that affair at any moment.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, AmyO90 said:

My partner and I (we have a 5y old daughter) split last year for a few reasons, one being money issues, the second being that I discovered he had previously slept with a woman from his workplace.
 

Sorry this is happening. It's understandable you're hurting and understandable with a child, that you would like to make things better.

Even though you are lonely and want to work out as a family, don't be quick to forgive and forget nor be fooled by faux transparency.

Focus on yourself your child, your profession and your finances. If you are still uneasy, pay attention to your instincts.

[BaileyB]

On 11/28/2022 at 7:26 AM, AmyO90 said:

Not sure what else can be done, surely time is the healer.

Time is not a healer - it’s what you do during that time that is the healer. 

A few things that I would require before getting back with this man - individual counselling (for him) and couples counselling, financial counselling, and he would have to find a new job.

The last thing that I would ever want is to have my partner’s former affair partner posting photos of them together on Facebook - for my benefit. I don’t care if they have had sex or not - it’s disrespectful that she would do that and it’s disrespectful that he would allow that. If he fails to protect you and your relationship in this rather benign way, I would not trust him to protect my trust in any way that really matters…

[AmyO90]

Thank you for this great advice. You're right, I think some kind of counselling is definitely needed here.

And I am glad I'm not crazy with the Facebook thing.. I know I shouldn't look but I knew she would do it as its similar behaviour to years ago when the affair happened. He said I shouldn't look but surely she's the one in the wrong!? 

[AmyO90]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's understandable you're hurting and understandable with a child, that you would like to make things better.

Even though you are lonely and want to work out as a family, don't be quick to forgive and forget nor be fooled by faux transparency.

Focus on yourself your child, your profession and your finances. If you are still uneasy, pay attention to your instincts.

I am not lonely, I have a great support network and have been quite happy being on my own for the time we have split. I thought I could give it another go but then obviously all these hurdles are arising which I expected but just it's harder than I thought.

Thank you 

[AmyO90]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Time is not a healer - it’s what you do during that time that is the healer. 

A few things that I would require before getting back with this man - individual counselling (for him) and couples counselling, financial counselling, and he would have to find a new job.

The last thing that I would ever want is to have my partner’s former affair partner posting photos of them together on Facebook - for my benefit. I don’t care if they have had sex or not - it’s disrespectful that she would do that and it’s disrespectful that he would allow that. If he fails to protect you and your relationship in this rather benign way, I would not trust him to protect my trust in any way that really matters…

Thank you for this great advice. You're right, I think some kind of counselling is definitely needed here.

 

And I am glad I'm not crazy with the Facebook thing.. I know I shouldn't look but I knew she would do it as its similar behaviour to years ago when the affair happened. He said I shouldn't look but surely she's the one in the wrong!? 

[AmyO90]

On 11/29/2022 at 6:52 AM, emotionallybroken9 said:

Hi Amy, it’s fine to want to get back together and see if it works, but your posts is screaming at us that this attempt at reconciliation is for the wrong reasons. 
 

why are you getting back together?

 

did he change?

did he prove himself to be someone you trust? 

did you change? 

are you financially dependant on him?

What have you been doing for the last 16 months? 
 

there’s so much going on here in the background that we’d need to know to help! But we’re here for u!

 

it reeeeeeally sounds like getting back together RIGHT NOW is a bad idea. 
 

he should be going out of his way to make sure you never have to interact with his affair partner. The fact he’s in a picture with her is a red flag. 
 

remember the red flags you ignored during the affair and turns out you should entrusted your gut? Or if u had this forum it would’ve helped you know the affair was happening?

 

well, him still working with her is a huuuuuge red flag. Him coming back with no change is a huuuuge red flag. 
 

look out for yourself, please! Give it more time! If it’s money, there’s child and spousal support. If it’s something else, talk to us
 

 

Hiya, thank you so much for this advice.

No it isn't money at all, I have been living just me and my daughter for the last 16 months and getting by, I work and received a little help too so this isn't the reason and never would be, I'm stupid but not that stupid haha

I guess I started to miss him after the year but didn't see it coming as I didn't at the start. 

I thought I would be ok with her still at his workplace but I'm really not.  I guess if he really wanted to work on us he could leave... 

[AmyO90]

On 11/28/2022 at 4:02 PM, smackie9 said:

I know it's always easier to blame the outsider (Her), rather than the person you care about. She didn't breakup your family, they both did...but he was the one that made that choice.

The reality is, this woman will never be out of his life, and he can't help it that she works for the same company. He had to go to this convention regardless, and everyone posed for the photo because that is company etiquette.  This has nothing to do with her, this is about him and whether you trust him or not. If you want this to work, stop stalking her on SM. Focus on your relationship. 

Lol well I know I shouldn't stalk her on SM but when you have that gut instinct you sometimes just can't ignore it.

I blame him more than her, don't worry, but she knew about us too. Also she's the one posting the photos,  not him. 

And she could be out his life if he left..  it's a choice to stay in a workplace. 

[Stret]

1 hour ago, AmyO90 said:

He said I shouldn't look but surely she's the one in the wrong!? 

"He said...."

What is he doing in the photos with her? He should be staying as far away as possible. But he will not and he can't. Even if he promises you, he will not. Affair partners working together side by side - something is bound to happen again and it might have already happened. 

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, AmyO90 said:

I know I shouldn't look but I knew she would do it as its similar behaviour to years ago when the affair happened. He said I shouldn't look but surely she's the one in the wrong!? 

This tells me that either the affair is back on or it never really ended to begin with.

If she is single then she is not in the wrong. HE IS!

He's the one cheating on someone, not her.

She is nasty though if she is just doing things to stir the pot so to speak.

Edited November 30, 2022 by JTSW

[glows]

7 hours ago, AmyO90 said:

I blame him more than her, don't worry, but she knew about us too. Also she's the one posting the photos,  not him. 

And she could be out his life if he left..  it's a choice to stay in a workplace. 

Children can sense when parents are unfaithful and disrespectful to one another. As your child grows older she sees your dynamic with your partner and your constant anxiety and walking on eggshells. I wouldn’t underestimate this. It’s another perspective and one I’m putting out there.

Yes, it is about your partner’s actions, both past and present and his unfaithful or deceitful nature.

Is he able to leave his job? That is a tall task to ask of someone. He has little to no boundaries so it’s not surprising that he has another affair with someone else regardless of where he works.

Both of you haven’t uncovered what it is that’s divided the both of you or why this relationship fell apart or why the affair happened. With this much uncertainty, it’s difficult to place much trust in what you both share. I’d find it difficult to retain any feelings for someone and my view would change of the person and evolve into something else. As it is the relationship doesn’t seem sustainable. Wouldn’t you ultimately lose interest or stop caring about someone like this?

 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, AmyO90 said:

I guess if he really wanted to work on us he could leave... 

This is the bottome line^.  It's up to him to prove his loyalty and love for you which he can't do.  He's doing nothing and you're putting all the blame on her.  Your best bet would be to not get back with him and move on with your life.  Trying to hold onto him is going to put you in a world of hurt.

[NuevoYorko]

10 hours ago, AmyO90 said:

He said I shouldn't look but surely she's the one in the wrong!? 

She is not a part of your relationship.  It's you and him.   He abused your trust.   Behaving like that was no big deal, all in the past, etc. is wrong of him.   You don't need to accept that at all.

What stood in the way of him and his affair partner being together after you and he broke up?

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, AmyO90 said:

Lol well I know I shouldn't stalk her on SM but when you have that gut instinct you sometimes just can't ignore it.

I blame him more than her, don't worry, but she knew about us too. Also she's the one posting the photos,  not him. 

And she could be out his life if he left..  it's a choice to stay in a workplace. 

Have you asked him why is she posting photos of them together?  Maybe he knows about it.  You should be more worried about him than her.

[BaileyB]

If my goal was to gain back the trust of my spouse and heal my marriage and someone was doing things that would undermine my efforts, I would be pretty angry. In this case, I would demand that she remove my photo because I did not give her permission to post it. 

I don’t really care that it’s a group photo - the fact that they are out together and she is posting pictures online is triggering for you and he should be more sensitive to that and have better boundaries with this woman. 

[smackie9]

On 11/29/2022 at 11:14 PM, AmyO90 said:

Lol well I know I shouldn't stalk her on SM but when you have that gut instinct you sometimes just can't ignore it.

I blame him more than her, don't worry, but she knew about us too. Also she's the one posting the photos,  not him. 

And she could be out his life if he left..  it's a choice to stay in a workplace. 

Then talk to him more about it.

[AmyO90]

On 12/1/2022 at 3:30 AM, BaileyB said:

If my goal was to gain back the trust of my spouse and heal my marriage and someone was doing things that would undermine my efforts, I would be pretty angry. In this case, I would demand that she remove my photo because I did not give her permission to post it. 

I don’t really care that it’s a group photo - the fact that they are out together and she is posting pictures online is triggering for you and he should be more sensitive to that and have better boundaries with this woman. 

thank you so much for this reply, it made me feel less that I am wrong for feeling this way!