Self sabotage/relationship anxiety

[DaveyBoy]

Hi

A couple of months ago I had some major relationship doubts which resulted in me leaving my girlfriend of 7 years (we were even engaged). I raised the issues I had and my girlfriend wanted to work through them and try and work on things, I said we would try but literally gave it 2 weeks before bailing.

At the time I took the way I felt as a gut feeling and that the relationship wasn’t right and I was doing the best thing by ending it. Since I left we had a on again off again few weeks where I could 100% convince myself I wanted to go back but when I did started getting anxiety symptoms like not sleeping, knotted stomach, sweating so took this as another sign to leave, but then when I was apart from her I had the same anxiety about not being with her.

The on again off again was no good for us both and I’m not proud of how I acted during that time as I didn’t see how me reacting to my emotions was damaging her. As it stands we are off, but we still message each other now and again.

My head is in the shed at the moment as I think I focused too much on our problems and failed to appreciate what I did have, we did have things we would need to resolve and agree on but we got on really well, made each other laugh, enjoyed similar things, supported each other, sex life was great and she would do anything for us and the relationship. 

I miss her and love her but I’m so scared of going back and hurting her and think what has happened is down to my own insecurities, fears and doubts and I have let them ruin a good relationship. I’ve been reading about relationship anxiety and self sabotage and a lot of rings true.

Just wondered if any others had similar stories or insights around this, if not that this was a good place to vent :)

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, DaveyBoy said:

I miss her and love her but I’m so scared of going back and hurting her and think what has happened is down to my own insecurities, fears and doubts and I have let them ruin a good relationship. I’ve been reading about relationship anxiety and self sabotage and a lot of rings true.

I think if you went back and the stomach knots and anxiety were there again you did the right thing by breakiing up.  We can love someone but it doesn't mean we are supposed to be with that person.  Your body has pretty much let you know that you made the right choice by breaking up with her.  It takes time to move on from a break up.  Do not go back to her unless you are absolutely sure this time you want to be with her and not break up again.

[DaveyBoy]

Thanks for the reply, and I wouldn’t go back now unless I know for sure I can put in what is needed to make it work. I’m just struggling with thinking I made the decision out of fear and anxiety to do with my own issues, rather than there being an issue with her or the relationship. Either way it is what it is and I won’t go back without knowing it’s the best thing for both of us.

[Alpacalia]

Agree with @stillafool.

I bounced between my first boyfriend and it really hurt him.

You might need to accept it and still believe that it was the right thing to do at the time.

Your heart told you that you weren't the right person for her, and she wasn't the right person for you. 

Keep out of her life unless you are absolutely certain.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, DaveyBoy said:

when I did started getting anxiety symptoms like not sleeping, knotted stomach, sweating so took this as another sign to leave, but then when I was apart from her I had the same anxiety about not being with her.

  Sorry this is happening. You seem to have anxiety symptoms with or with out her.

The best thing you can do for yourself is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the insomnia, anxiety and panic attacks. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Once you sort this out and feel on a more even keel, you'll be better able to  decide if this is the right relationship for you or if you even want to get married.

[Atwood]

It does sound like you're experiencing anxiety either way as @Wiseman2 pointed out. I think it's good of you to consider going back carefully in case you hurt her, but I was wondering if you feel you can speak openly with her about the back and forth you've been going through and the doubts you're experiencing? Did you feel any kind of relief or were there any resolutions from talking? I'm curious about what your concerns were, because context is important, but the main thing is figuring out what's going on with your struggle to decide. 

Some questions to consider:

- are the issues you were struggling with dealbreakers?

- if the issues never changed, could you be with her forever despite those issues?

- what are you scared will happen if the issues go unaddressed? 

I know accessing therapy isn't quick and easy right now, but any opportunity you have to seek additional support can only be a good idea. I'm sorry you're here right now. Losing a 7 year relationship sounds incredibly painful. My thoughts are with you. 

[DaveyBoy]

@AtwoodSome of the issues were me just not communicating about little annoyances that snowballed into bigger resentment I guess (like always being on her phone, never tidying up after herself), but I should have not bottled everything up.

There were money issues that needed talking about (debt she was cagey about but said she was handling she earns good money).

She had a child when she was younger who lives with her parents, she didn’t open up much about why and never seemed to want to improve that relationship (the father bailed before the child was born). I have always wanted kids and although she said she wanted one too the relationship she has with her child made me think she didn’t.

In hindsight i think I put too much on her and should have accepted things more or done a better job of communicating my worries. I made the decision to find fault and not trust what she told me I guess.

When I first raised the issues she wanted to work on things, she emailed a spreadsheet break down of her debts (never looked at it though), reassured me about wanting a kid and opened up a bit about her child, but not much about why she has never looked to improve her relationship, but that could just be circumstances have made it that way, and her parents are quite overbearing. It felt at times she was telling me what I wanted to hear, but maybe that’s my issue with trust and thinking the worse. I don’t think she would ever lie about wanting a kid, which is why I’m wondering if things started getting a bit overwhelming and I looked for excuses to leave.

I suppose things like having a kid, you have to take a leap of faith and there is no certainty it will happen anyway, and I’m at the age where it is probably unlikely I will have them now. Kinda feel I had a relationship that needed work but I freaked out and now I’ve potentially robbed myself of the things I wanted. Just got a real internal conflict going on at the moment.

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, DaveyBoy said:

reassured me about wanting a kid and opened up a bit about her child, but not much about why she has never looked to improve her relationship,

She wants a kid?  She already has one.  What will be different about the next one?  It would seem if she really wanted a child she would be doing whatever it takes to be with the one she has.  

[Atwood]

9 hours ago, DaveyBoy said:

@AtwoodSome of the issues were me just not communicating about little annoyances that snowballed into bigger resentment I guess (like always being on her phone, never tidying up after herself), but I should have not bottled everything up.

There were money issues that needed talking about (debt she was cagey about but said she was handling she earns good money).

She had a child when she was younger who lives with her parents, she didn’t open up much about why and never seemed to want to improve that relationship (the father bailed before the child was born). I have always wanted kids and although she said she wanted one too the relationship she has with her child made me think she didn’t.

In hindsight i think I put too much on her and should have accepted things more or done a better job of communicating my worries. I made the decision to find fault and not trust what she told me I guess.

When I first raised the issues she wanted to work on things, she emailed a spreadsheet break down of her debts (never looked at it though), reassured me about wanting a kid and opened up a bit about her child, but not much about why she has never looked to improve her relationship, but that could just be circumstances have made it that way, and her parents are quite overbearing. It felt at times she was telling me what I wanted to hear, but maybe that’s my issue with trust and thinking the worse. I don’t think she would ever lie about wanting a kid, which is why I’m wondering if things started getting a bit overwhelming and I looked for excuses to leave.

I suppose things like having a kid, you have to take a leap of faith and there is no certainty it will happen anyway, and I’m at the age where it is probably unlikely I will have them now. Kinda feel I had a relationship that needed work but I freaked out and now I’ve potentially robbed myself of the things I wanted. Just got a real internal conflict going on at the moment.

Thank you for the insight into what's going on. I can really see your internal conflict and it seems like on the one hand you know you have issues with trusting what she says but on the other hand you're trying to decide if those alert signals in your head are something you should listen to or something you should ignore. 

I know this might be frustrating to hear, but only you know if you were subconsciously looking for excuses to leave and what those reasons for wanting to leave might be. I will say this though: things not feeling right with her are reason enough. You're allowed to not want to be with her anymore, even if she hasn't done anything wrong and neither have you. A lot of us might feel really guilty for leaving somebody without a "valid" reason and it may be that you do have a question mark over it for a really long time: "could it have worked out if I just stuck with it?". It sounds like it really bothers you that she didn't try to build a good relationship with her child, and it's understandably a source of worry when considering to have your own kids with her.

We get to choose our partners, our kids don't get to choose their parents. If something doesn't feel right or she isn't the mother you'd want for your kids (even through no fault of her own) it's okay to take that feeling seriously. I don't know how old you are, but don't treat this relationship like your last chance at marriage and a family. It's not too late to start something new with someone new. 

 

Edited November 29, 2022 by Atwood

[JTSW]

With the extra info you have provided, I can understand all your concerns.

I'm assuming she was very young when she had her child, and not in any position to raise him/her alone.

Her parents are giving the child what she couldn't.

What I don't understand is why she doesn't have any kind of relationship with her child when she had every opportunity to do so.

Maybe she has no maternal instincts.

This is what concerns me.

She is saying she wants a child with you but I'm not sure that would be a good idea.

[glows]

She was trying to open up to you. It seems there’s a lot you don’t know about her especially her early life. There are a lot of unknowns which seems peculiar as you were in a relationship with this person for 7 years.

Regarding your anxiety I think it’s valid but you do appear to have bottled things up or assumed you knew what was going on.

I don’t think keeping in contact is helping and after 7 years it’s difficult to let go. You would be better off discussing your anxiety and coping methods or treatment with your doctor. Take a breather from messaging your ex. You yourself do not sound ready to be a parent.

Edited November 29, 2022 by glows

[Jonttu]

17 hours ago, stillafool said:

She wants a kid?  She already has one.  What will be different about the next one?  It would seem if she really wanted a child she would be doing whatever it takes to be with the one she has.  

OP, nor we, know the reasons behind her first child. It could be the result of rape or even worse; incest, which would make a lot more sense.

Those are difficult things to open up about, as a female I know how difficult certain things are to be shared with a boyfriend. Once I cried in the bedroom and my ex went ballistic. He didn't know what to do and I could not stop crying. Normally I cry when I am alone, in the bathroom or when walking to work, so that nobody sees my tears. My problems, my tears, my emotional baggage - things that have nothing to do with anyone else and things that are so difficult to open up about, especially when the partner is not used to hearing about my problems.

 

For example, I have been raped/aborted twice in my life. Nobody knows about it. I suffer from epilepsy, but since it has been years since the latest seizure it is something that I tell when things start to get more serious, because it could affect the partner.

 

Partners have actually thanked me for not telling about all problems and difficulties in my life. If OP has been unwilling to dig deeper, then it is possible that his ex has decided to stay silent about the child and circumstances surrounding the child. There are things that you just don't go around spilling out, sometimes it causes the other one to close up, because they aren't equipped to deal with too deep wounds.

 

However it is good that he ended the relationship. She has someone else waiting for her to be free, someone waiting in the shadows. Someone she doesn't know anything about yet.

 

Breaking up is hard to do, even if it is done for the right reasons. When a LTR ended (by me), it was like a limb was ripped off and I was scared for the first time in life. Mom let me sleep beside her for one week, after that she kicked me out to my own bed. That is how ending the relationship felt like.

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, Jonttu said:

For example, I have been raped/aborted twice in my life. Nobody knows about it. I suffer from epilepsy, but since it has been years since the latest seizure it is something that I tell when things start to get more serious, because it could affect the partner.

 

14 minutes ago, Jonttu said:

Once I cried in the bedroom and my ex went ballistic. He didn't know what to do and I could not stop crying. Normally I cry when I am alone, in the bathroom or when walking to work, so that nobody sees my tears. My problems, my tears, my emotional baggage - things that have nothing to do with anyone else and things that are so difficult to open up about, especially when the partner is not used to hearing about my problems.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.  (((HUGS)))

[Jonttu]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.  (((HUGS)))

Oh please - and thank you - there is no need to feel sorry for me. Whatever happened made me stronger. The biggest regret is telling Mom about the rapes/abortions 20 years later, when it was no big deal anymore.

 

Mom cried for a week and her Husband called me to promise not to ever again tell any bad news to Mom. He had difficulties with her crying and I should have kept shut during our argument on the phone.

 

All bad things that have happened are done and dealt with. You know how wounded animals withdraw to a cave licking their wounds? That is me. Coming out only after the wounds are healed, curious about what life has to offer.

 

Now I regret telling about it here also, I didn't want you to feel bad for something that you could not have prevented. Thank you (I am in shame now, lol)

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, Jonttu said:

Now I regret telling about it here also, I didn't want you to feel bad for something that you could not have prevented. Thank you (I am in shame now, lol)

Please don't be ashamed of anything you wrote.  That's what this place is for.  We all have our stories.

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, DaveyBoy said:

In hindsight i think I put too much on her and should have accepted things more or done a better job of communicating my worries. I made the decision to find fault and not trust what she told me I guess.

Certainly, there are a few things that would give even the most level-headed person pause for concern with regard to your ex.

Try not to place the blame on her because that tends to abdicate any responsibility, making us feel better in the short run.

Focus on your health. That's what's important.

[DaveyBoy]

Thanks for the replies.

I think we both struggled with communication, I tried to get her to open up about her relationship with her child, and she did a little at times but I knew it upset her and she closed off, maybe I should have tried harder to get her open up about it. I never judged her for not raising her child just didn’t fully understand the circumstances or lack of relationship over the years. We took her child out together on occasion a couple of years after we got together to the cinema etc, but this fizzled out as she got older. I think her parents made it difficult and she resigned herself to this being how it is, we went on family holidays with her and see her at family meals, but I guess I never understood why they weren’t closer. 
 

We are both at fault for some things and maybe it is best that we are apart, it’s just tough because when we were great we were really great, she is not a terrible person which the way I have worded this thread, it may sound, I just don’t think she’s ever dealt with some stuff and allowed anyone in to change that, but I can be like a closed book too.

Im having therapy to help deal with my issues and hopefully I can get to a healthier, less anxious place and start thinking with a bit more clarity.

[poppyfields]

On 11/28/2022 at 11:04 AM, DaveyBoy said:

Thanks for the reply, and I wouldn’t go back now unless I know for sure I can put in what is needed to make it work. I’m just struggling with thinking I made the decision out of fear and anxiety to do with my own issues, rather than there being an issue with her or the relationship. Either way it is what it is and I won’t go back without knowing it’s the best thing for both of us.

There is another thread floating around about this, created by a woman whose boyfriend broke up with her for essentially the same reasons --- FEAR.   In my opinion.

As evidenced by your admission that when you attempt to get back together, you feel anxious and when you're apart you feel anxious.  Either way, you feel anxiety, and what you described, the heart palpitations, the not sleeping, not eating are the manifestations of that anxiety.

My brother is the same, he hasn't been able to sustain a healthy relationship with a woman since college (she broke his heart), it's either too close, too distant, either way he feels an abundance of anxiety just like you described.  And ends the whole thing.

This is the major conflict among those with commitment fears and I applaud you for being self-aware to recognize it and realizing the on again/off again, push/pull of these types of relationships are not healthy and very unkind to the recipient of your conflict -- your girlfriend.

I think it would be worth your while to explore where this anxiety and internal conflict stems from.  Introspect and self-reflect, it stems from somewhere.

Many people believe all that's needed is meeting the "right" person, the right fit, but with those with such fears and anxiety, there is no "right" person, no right fit. 

If it's a relationship of any duration heading towards commitment (in your case seven years and you were engaged), there will always be severe anxiety and confusion. 

In fact, the more "right" a person is the greater the fear as with the right person, there is no where to go but commitment and that scares the living daylights out of such people.

So they break up, run away only to discover that without the so-called commitment "noose" over their heads, they miss their ex and want them back.

Which of course evokes severe anxiety so they run again.  It's a never-ending cycle that no one wins.

All you can do is continue reflecting and attempt to determine where your fears stem from and take steps, alone and/or with the help of a qualified therapist to resolve.

I wish you the best.  My brother is early 40s and still struggling, he REALLY wants a close committed relationship and he's been in love with some lovely women, but his fears are just too great, and he's incapable of it.

It really breaks my heart.

 

Edited November 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

Huge kudos to you for starting therapy and taking that first step. I hope you also feel supported and that it becomes a safe place you can lean into. 

Was her child’s father in the picture? Did her parents accept you as their daughter’s partner/boyfriend? 

You were intending to start your lives together so this break up was also the end of an engagement and the intention to spend the rest of your lives together. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the break up speak with your therapist about that too and saying goodbye to a person who was once a big part of your life. 

In my opinion, letting go comes in stages. It’s not fair however to keep hanging onto one another in contact without fully moving on.

[Lotsgoingon]

There is a period when breaking up with someone when we go through some loneliness and confusion (not all the time but quite often).  The person we talked to the most, that we relied on the most, that we shared about ourselves the most--that person is suddenly no longer our confidante. Yes, that is a transition, an awkward, confusing, disorienting, sometimes depressing--but ultimately liberating!--transition.

Seems to me you start down the road and freak out. You turn around and run back. You need some strategies for moving forward. 

I'm sensing you do not have many good friends or acquaintances. And so you're dependent on this woman, overly dependent. Right now, during a breakup, is when we call up our friends and hang with them and share with them ... and they literally escort us through the transition until we no longer have ambivalence about breaking up. 

I'm also going to guess that you don't have a lot of hobbies--which are a perfect place to put your attention after a breakup. What's going on at work? Lots of folks throw themselves into work during a breakup. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, DaveyBoy said:

 I tried to get her to open up about her relationship with her child,  maybe I should have tried harder to get her open up about it.

Im having therapy to help deal with my issues 

It's great you are taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

It wasn't  your job to keep needling her about her child. That is between her and her parents. There were quite a few incompatibilities. 

In a way you dodged a bullet because you weren't compatible and you didn't respect her. Unfortunately you seemed to put her under a microscope for quite a bit of scrutany and found too many faults.

 

[poppyfields]

OP, I'm glad to hear you're in therapy working on these issues. 

What's curious however is why you remained in this relationship for seven years and got engaged?

From your girlfriend's perspective, or any woman facing same from her long time boyfriend or fiance, that's what confusing and hurtful. 

I mean surely these issues have been present, they didn't just come to light after seven years and as you were planning your marriage?

I'm not judging you, but I think it's important to explore this further with your therapist and through self-reflection. 

To determine if in fact it's your girlfriend/relationship issues that are the cause of your anxiety/ conflict OR if the thought of committing to one woman forever is causing the anxiety and conflict.  Or perhaps it's both? 

Seven years is a long time and getting engaged is a huge deal. 

Either way, it's good you're becoming aware and seeking help sorting it all out. 

All the best moving forward  whatever the outcome turns out to be. 

 

Edited November 30, 2022 by poppyfields