Advance apology for my twisted thought (merged threads)

[jeniefriday]

I understand I may be judged as someone immoral or twisted, but your thoughts and advice are much appreciated. I am a MW having an affair with a MM. After going through books, podcasts and hours of self-instrospection, I came to a conclusion that I entered marriage with a very twisted mindset. Basically I was the only child and I was afraid of loneliness. There was also a lot of pressure to get married and have children where I lived. So, I settled with a man who was "husband-material" - stable income, good character, etc, EXCEPT we are not sexually compatible and he has ED. Sex felt torturous through our decade long marriage because I had to do a lot of things such as moaning loudly to make him come.

I met MM half a year ago and for the first time in my life, I had a mind-blowing sex. I had two ex-boyfriends before getting married but I never felt such intense sexual chemistry with anyone like I felt with MM. 

The main problem now is I really want to have a baby with MM. And MM kept saying he wants to have a baby with me too. I don't need MM to leave his wife. In fact, I don't want to marry MM and go through all that marriage adjustments all over again. I also don't want to deal with trust issues too since we are both cheaters right? I am content with us being having fun together once or twice a month. 

I am also non-chalant about him having sex with his wife. The only thought I couldn't bear is if his wife gets pregnant again. But I feel I'd be alright if I have my own baby with him. I don't need him to support me financially becuase I make more than him.

I appreciate all your thoughts because I am probably having a tunnel vision right now and I am hoping to hear many perspectives about this. Thank you in advance.

Edited January 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BrinnM]

I get it, other than the baby thing. How is MM’s baby going to fit into your marriage?

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, jeniefriday said:

I entered marriage with a very twisted mindset. Basically I was the only child and I was afraid of loneliness.

How exactly does this equate with - I want to have my affair partner’s baby?

I mean, sure - your not sexually compatible with your husband and you have obviously decided to go looking for whatever is missing in your marriage. But, why get pregnant by the man? That’s just another level of twisted - right?

You’ve got a kink - you want to get pregnant by your affair partner. To blame this on the fact that you were an only child or that your husband can’t get off unless you are acting like a porn star… I don’t think so. 

Edited November 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[jeniefriday]

28 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I get it, other than the baby thing. How is MM’s baby going to fit into your marriage?

I probaby would get a divorce.

[jeniefriday]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How exactly does this equate with - I want to have my affair partner’s baby?

I mean, sure - your not sexually compatible with your husband and you have obviously decided to go looking for whatever is missing in your marriage. But, why get pregnant by the man? That’s just another level of twisted - right?

You’ve got a kink - you want to get pregnant by your affair partner. To blame this on the fact that you were an only child or that your husband can’t get off unless you are acting like a porn star… I don’t think so. 

I don't know why I want a baby.. maybe FOMO, maybe an experience in life, maybe to have a lovechild.

[glows]

Why not divorce anyway and use a donor? You’re unhappy and checked out with your husband. 

Think of the child knowing he or she was a product of total deceit and lies. I’m curious- is that what you call a “lovechild”?

[jeniefriday]

30 minutes ago, glows said:

Think of the child knowing he or she was a product of total deceit and lies. I’m curious- is that what you call a “lovechild”?

Thank you, I didn't think of that. 

[glows]

I’m guessing neither did MM when he started saying things like this. It may be helpful in differentiating between what is fantasy and what is reality. It’s not uncommon for couples to fetishize babymaking. The reality of it may be something else altogether.

As a parent you likely want the best for your child. How will this knowledge influence them? How would you feel if your child bore the brunt of any malignant feelings or resentment from his wife or from the rest of his/her family? His or her own father? Wouldn’t the child want to know where he or she comes from, who the parents are and any family? Would you be able to keep that all to yourself? Can you stand the guilt of hurting or destroying another person’s marriage?

If anything use this to think through seriously whether your marriage is over.

Do you feel numb from your marriage? That numbness may be masking a lot of pain underneath, not feeling fulfilled, unhappy and wanting more out of life. Very relatable and understandable if so.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, jeniefriday said:

I probaby would get a divorce.

What’s keeping you from getting a divorce and giving yourself the opportunity to have a healthier, happier future - as a single woman, as a single parent, in another relationship - possibly with a child? 

In all honesty, why stay in your marriage and why stay in this affair and bring a child into a messy, messy situation like this? 

There are plenty of men out there who would be wonderful husbands and/or good lovers - no need to settle for a husband that you don’t love or respect or another woman’s husband. 

[jeniefriday]

2 hours ago, glows said:

I’m guessing neither did MM when he started saying things like this. It may be helpful in differentiating between what is fantasy and what is reality. It’s not uncommon for couples to fetishize babymaking. The reality of it may be something else altogether.

As a parent you likely want the best for your child. How will this knowledge influence them? How would you feel if your child bore the brunt of any malignant feelings or resentment from his wife or from the rest of his/her family? His or her own father? Wouldn’t the child want to know where he or she comes from, who the parents are and any family? Would you be able to keep that all to yourself? Can you stand the guilt of hurting or destroying another person’s marriage?

If anything use this to think through seriously whether your marriage is over.

Do you feel numb from your marriage? That numbness may be masking a lot of pain underneath, not feeling fulfilled, unhappy and wanting more out of life. Very relatable and understandable if so.

Appreciate the comments, some really great perspectives I didn't think before. Guess I'm fantasizing that the baby would bond us forever although NOT as a married couple and we'd have something special between us.

I can't process the potential impact on the child. I imagine the child would receive enough love from my side of the family. I myself have a toxic mother and I don't think the child would have it worse than me. I imagine MM as just a sperm donor but he'd highly likely to love the child.

As for my marriage, I think I resent my husband for treating me like a free prostitute or porn actress just to make him come. I tried talking to him and he kept blaming me for not being able to keep him up. His d*** smells bad too but he wanted bj all the time. On the other hand, MM could make love to me 3-4 times a night and the chemistry is just mindblowing.

[jeniefriday]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

What’s keeping you from getting a divorce and giving yourself the opportunity to have a healthier, happier future - as a single woman, as a single parent, in another relationship - possibly with a child? 

In all honesty, why stay in your marriage and why stay in this affair and bring a child into a messy, messy situation like this? 

There are plenty of men out there who would be wonderful husbands and/or good lovers - no need to settle for a husband that you don’t love or respect or another woman’s husband. 

Because I'm a selfish person who wants a husband to keep me company when I need him. Because I want to keep up a perfect family image. Because I fear the unknown.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, jeniefriday said:

Guess I'm fantasizing that the baby would bond us forever and we'd have something special between us.

 

13 minutes ago, jeniefriday said:

I imagine MM as just a sperm donor

These two statements are discongruous. 

13 minutes ago, jeniefriday said:

he'd highly likely to love the child.

Let’s deal in reality here, don’t underestimate the influence of his wife. She may well require him to terminate all contact with both of you. Or, she may require him to meet his financial obligations. He may even ask you to abort the pregnancy - it’s not uncommon when a woman in an affair becomes pregnant. All this talk of, “I want you to have my child” goes out the window when the sh#t hits the fan! Very few women would welcome the child of an affair into their marital home. And that makes the situation untenable for the MM - that end his fantasy in a hurry…
 

13 minutes ago, jeniefriday said:

I can't process the potential impact on the child.

With all due respect, until you can process and prepare for all eventualities, you should not bring a child into this world. Especially given the circumstance - lest your child one day be describing her relationship with her mother/parents as “toxic.” 

 

13 minutes ago, jeniefriday said:

As for my marriage, I think I resent my husband for treating me like a free prostitute or porn actress just to make him come.

You always have another choice. If your marriage is not meeting your needs, you have the right to end it anytime… You don’t need to listen to his complaints or do anything that you do not want to do. 

Just don’t confuse mind blowing sex with love/commitment lest you be very disappointed. The reality is, affairs are toxic and unhealthy relationships by their very nature - 

Edited November 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

Guess I'm fantasizing that the baby would bond us forever although NOT as a married couple and we'd have something special between us.

You are in love with a fantasy.

The reality would be very different.

His wife will obviously find out and then it will turn into one big sh.t show.

She will force him to cut contact with you which he will because he already has a family, one that he will never leave.

You will be one that will end up alone and as a single mother.

Don't bring a child into the world as a product of a dysfunctional fantasy.

It wont be what you want.

Edited November 29, 2022 by JTSW

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

I probaby would get a divorce.

Why not investigate this now? Contact an attorney privately and confidentiality for your options in the event of divorce. You seem contemptuous of your husband.

It's unfair to bring a child into the world just to hang on to a man. 

Consider privately and confidentiality seeing a therapist to help you unpack and sort out your feelings.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

As for my marriage, I think I resent my husband for treating me like a free prostitute or porn actress just to make him come. I tried talking to him and he kept blaming me for not being able to keep him up. His d*** smells bad too but he wanted bj all the time. On the other hand, MM could make love to me 3-4 times a night and the chemistry is just mindblowing.

 

10 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

So, I settled with a man who was "husband-material" - stable income, good character, etc, EXCEPT we are not sexually compatible and he has ED. Sex felt torturous through our decade long marriage because I had to do a lot of things such as moaning loudly to make him come.

I guess your husband feels as you do that the marriage is a trade off.  You didn't marry him for love but for his stable income, good character, etc., knowing you weren't sexually compatible or in love.  Sex with him is the trade off so everybody gets something out of the marriage since there's no love.  You probably thought you would eventually fall in love but that rarely happens.   Why don't you ask your husband to shower before sex?

[glows]

6 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

Appreciate the comments, some really great perspectives I didn't think before. Guess I'm fantasizing that the baby would bond us forever although NOT as a married couple and we'd have something special between us.

I can't process the potential impact on the child. I imagine the child would receive enough love from my side of the family. I myself have a toxic mother and I don't think the child would have it worse than me. I imagine MM as just a sperm donor but he'd highly likely to love the child.

As for my marriage, I think I resent my husband for treating me like a free prostitute or porn actress just to make him come. I tried talking to him and he kept blaming me for not being able to keep him up. His d*** smells bad too but he wanted bj all the time. On the other hand, MM could make love to me 3-4 times a night and the chemistry is just mindblowing.

You may be seeing that the bond with someone special is what you desire and not the baby at all. It is incredibly selfish not to process the impact this has on a child. 

MM is married to someone else. He is selfish and sounds unstable. I can’t think of a worse father figure or role model than this.

What is stopping you from divorcing your husband? You appear to have talked with him and he continues to blame you. Are you afraid of being divorced and starting over? A lot of people stay in dysfunctional and abusive relationships because they don’t have the info to move on. I suggest speaking with a lawyer and gathering the info you need to make a more informed decision. 

The longer you stay in the marriage the more desperate these thoughts seem to be. They’re a fantasy to help escape from your horrible reality.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you're in a bad marriage. Perhaps at some level you're seeking to "blow things up" if/when your husband finds out your kid isn't his?

Although I'm not some huge fan of "red pill" philosophy, like most things there's some truth to some of it some of the time. What you describe sounds like a "beta buck" scenario/marriage.

I could actually think of MUCH worse fathers/role models than a guy who maintains a safe and stable home life and cheats on his wife - career criminals, meth addicts, abusers, etc. Certainly it's not "ideal" though.

Perhaps you are getting to the point where you really want a kid, and would prefer it be with someone you see as "better genes" than your actual husband?

We can't always get everything we want in life - you've made some trade-offs (as many if not most people do, one way or another). I agree that it's unlikely you can have both this particular child and your marriage continuing, if you are not emotionally or financially secure enough to leave it.

Some of your issues sound like they could be solved with showers, ED meds, and some push-back and coaching/communication with your husband. But I suspect there's actually a lot more to it, those are just easy-to-point-to things. If it's really only the sexual aspect, perhaps things are more salvageable than you currently believe.

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

Guess I'm fantasizing that the baby would bond us forever although NOT as a married couple and we'd have something special between us.

Also as a way to make sure MM is in your life by having something that ties you to him.  If he wants to see the baby he has to see you.

[Allupinnit]

You say you entered your marriage with a very "twisted" mindset and this is exactly how you are entering this affair and now wanting to have a baby with a MM.

You *think* you want something and will stop at nothing to get it, then end up miserable anyway.  This is what happens when we are selfish and try and cheat the system.

What would you tell this child one day when they start asking about their dad and why all the other kids at school have dads but they don't?  That he was so great in the sack that you were willing to hurt just about everyone involved to get what you wanted?  

Divorce your H.  Get a sperm donor.  Leave this woman's husband alone and please for the love of God don't make him privy to a secret life/family.  All of this pain, chaos, ruined lives and drama isn't worth the orgasms he gives you. 

[pepperbird2]

17 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

I understand I may be judged as someone immoral or twisted, but your thoughts and advice are much appreciated. I am a MW having an affair with a MM. After going through books, podcasts and hours of self-instrospection, I came to a conclusion that I entered marriage with a very twisted mindset. Basically I was the only child and I was afraid of loneliness. There was also a lot of pressure to get married and have children where I lived. So, I settled with a man who was "husband-material" - stable income, good character, etc, EXCEPT we are not sexually compatible and he has ED. Sex felt torturous through our decade long marriage because I had to do a lot of things such as moaning loudly to make him come.

I met MM half a year ago and for the first time in my life, I had a mind-blowing sex. I had two ex-boyfriends before getting married but I never felt such intense sexual chemistry with anyone like I felt with MM. 

The main problem now is I really want to have a baby with MM. And MM kept saying he wants to have a baby with me too. I don't need MM to leave his wife. In fact, I don't want to marry MM and go through all that marriage adjustments all over again. I also don't want to deal with trust issues too since we are both cheaters right? I am content with us being having fun together once or twice a month. 

I am also non-chalant about him having sex with his wife. The only thought I couldn't bear is if his wife gets pregnant again. But I feel I'd be alright if I have my own baby with him. I don't need him to support me financially becuase I make more than him.

I appreciate all your thoughts because I am probably having a tunnel vision right now and I am hoping to hear many perspectives about this. Thank you in advance.

I knwo you won't want to hear it, but this is one of the most selfish= things I have ever read on  here. Do you even care what your child woudl go through? it sounds like you use people to fill your emotional needs,, but don't think about how it will impact them.

[pepperbird2]

16 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

Thank you, I didn't think of that. 

op,

I'm an adoptee, and in one of the support groups I'm in, there's adults who were the product of an affair, raised by their mother.

Not one of those people feels good about the siutaion or themselves.

[Luna66star]

Having baby with MM is not the answer to your marital woes.  Your husband will go ballistic and will tell you to abort!  You're still legally married and have obligations.  If things are so bad, file for divorce, move out, then find an available man, build a relationship.  Then think of having a baby.

MM is married with his own responsibilities.  You already have a part time lover.  If he was an honorable man, he would divorce his wife.

Realize you are being used for extraneous entertainment.  Sex.  I was in a similar situation and felt like a prostitute for when MM needed sex.  It's NOT a real, legitimate relationship.

You are young, you have time left in life to start over.

Take back your power ...and your life!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Suzie93]

My husband got his OW pregnant (she supposedly couldn’t get pregnant)  I stayed with my husband..offered to bring the child into our family but only on condition he established custody legally and parenting plan was established with all contact with OW through 3rd party and also that he told everyone in our lives. Neither of them wanted those conditions and my husband wanted to stay with me and our kids more than he wanted drama and everyone knowing what had happened. Years later and he’s totally no contact and our kids and his family know nothing. OW went bat sh— crazy, threatened to blow up our family….show up at our kids sporting events and publicly embarrass us all. It was an ugly, ugly time. We had to get restraining order. I have no doubt that one day this child will show up on our door step and we will tell him (or at least I will) the truth. I have saved screenshots of horrible texts from OW as needed to be as truthful as possible. 
 In short, I’ve been reading on this forum for a few years now, and it took your letter to get me to post. This is a really bad plan you have. No child deserves to be intentionally brought into such a dysfunctional situation. I don’t know what you hope to gain, but I hope you would put this theoretical child and your MM’s kids first. Divorce your husband and make your own life…don’t try to implode his family. You are very unlikely to get whatever it is you want with your current plan. 

[jeniefriday]

2 hours ago, Suzie93 said:

My husband got his OW pregnant (she supposedly couldn’t get pregnant)  I stayed with my husband..offered to bring the child into our family but only on condition he established custody legally and parenting plan was established with all contact with OW through 3rd party and also that he told everyone in our lives. Neither of them wanted those conditions and my husband wanted to stay with me and our kids more than he wanted drama and everyone knowing what had happened. Years later and he’s totally no contact and our kids and his family know nothing. OW went bat sh— crazy, threatened to blow up our family….show up at our kids sporting events and publicly embarrass us all. It was an ugly, ugly time. We had to get restraining order. I have no doubt that one day this child will show up on our door step and we will tell him (or at least I will) the truth. I have saved screenshots of horrible texts from OW as needed to be as truthful as possible. 
 In short, I’ve been reading on this forum for a few years now, and it took your letter to get me to post. This is a really bad plan you have. No child deserves to be intentionally brought into such a dysfunctional situation. I don’t know what you hope to gain, but I hope you would put this theoretical child and your MM’s kids first. Divorce your husband and make your own life…don’t try to implode his family. You are very unlikely to get whatever it is you want with your current plan. 

Suzie, I don't want to marry MM. I don't want him to divorce his wife as well. And I'll admit that I'm crazy twisted because I want what MM's wife has - his child. I guess I put MM on a pedestal. In my mind he's like so good in every sense and that his wife is the luckiest woman in the world to have him. And since she doesn't know about the affair, she's probably the happiest woman in the world (and no, I don't intend to let her know about us)

I hate it that I'm so irrational about this and that's why I post, hoping someone would knock sense into my head. 

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

And I'll admit that I'm crazy twisted because I want what MM's wife has - his child.

It wont be the same.

You still wont have him the way she does and you never will.

He will abandon you in a heartbeat on her say so.

You are not the one he loves. She is. You really need to comprehend this.

4 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

In my mind he's like so good in every sense

He's a cheating rat that is just using you.

Nothing good about that.

You need to see him for what he is and shake this fantasy out of your head.