Advance apology for my twisted thought (merged threads)

[jeniefriday]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Do you have a physician? I would strongly advise you to speak with your physician about your depression. Exercise has proven to be as effective as meds for mild/moderate depression - I would strongly suggest that you get moving and talk with your physician about medication. Perhaps they can also provide some free mental health supports because you are in desperate need of counselling. 

I contacted several life coaches online to address my self-esteem issues. I do not know why I have such a strong need for external validation that I'm willing to sell my soul to the devil just to hear "I love you" from a man. And I totally put their marriage on a pedestal. I envy and covet their relationship. I covet MM. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

I contacted several life coaches online to address my self-esteem issues.

Forget life coaches. This is way above their pay grade. 

Seek the support of a qualified, licensed professional therapist. 

[stillafool]

On 11/28/2022 at 9:25 PM, jeniefriday said:

Basically I was the only child and I was afraid of loneliness. There was also a lot of pressure to get married and have children where I lived. So, I settled with a man who was "husband-material" - stable income, good character, etc, EXCEPT we are not sexually compatible and he has ED. Sex felt torturous through our decade long marriage because I had to do a lot of things such as moaning loudly to make him come.

Sorry Jenie but this is not an excuse to date married men.  What you describe above happened to a lot of women but they didn't chose to enter affairs with MM.  If your previous married life was so bad I would think the last man you want to involve yourself with would be a married one.

[MsJayne]

My mother enjoyed an affair or ten, and one of my sisters was the child of one of them. It was lied about for, so far, six decades, and I can't begin to describe the problems that it's caused in our family. Now my mother has three living daughters who regard her with contempt because of all the lying, (her love child died a few years ago), so she is a very, very lonely old lady. And that's exactly what she deserves. 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry MsJayne what you and your sisters have been through.  My bio mom made a mess of our life too before my Dad divorced her and married my stepmom who is now deceased.  She was a great Mom to us.  She too was the product of an affair her Dad had and she never found out who her bio mom was until she was in her 60s.  

[Acacia98]

20 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

How do I let go of these obsessive thoughts? How would I be able to let go of MM? I feel entitled to MM, why should she have him just because she met him first? My advance apology for my broken moral compass.

She's not with him because she met him first. She's with him because he chooses to be with her every single day. If he genuinely wanted to be with you and only you, he would have started the process of separating from her and divorcing her.

My main question to you is this: have you actually tried following with sincerity and consistency any of the wise advice folks here have given you? 

[Acacia98]

On 12/27/2022 at 3:26 PM, jeniefriday said:

It drives me crazy that I can't have a man like MM. And she would continue to live blissfully as long as she doesn't discover about the affair. I keep thinking of a social ranking system where I belong to the lowest class while MM's wife occupies the top ranks.

The only reason why you can't have your ideal man is because you're doing everything to ensure you don't. You've locked yourself into a miserable marriage, and you've locked yourself into an affair in which you will always come second to the man's wife. The "perfect" guy could be out on your doorstep right now, ready to meet you, and you wouldn't notice him because you've committed all your time and energy to dead-end relationships.

People envy others when they're fundamentally unhappy about themselves and their own lives. So the only way to move beyond your envy is to start fixing the real issues in your life. You need to ditch the affair and to either start fixing your marriage so that it works for you or end the marriage. Your affair with this guy is basically a way of distracting yourself so that you don't focus on the problem that is your marriage. For all the time and energy you devote to him and all the praises you sing of him, he only has a small role in this drama. You and your husband are the main characters.

You have the power to address how you're feeling and to find healthier solutions to your problems. But you are essentially choosing not to. 

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

Tricky, he's my biggest customer.

You don't need him. 

You have other customers.

[Starswillshine]

9 hours ago, MsJayne said:

My mother enjoyed an affair or ten, and one of my sisters was the child of one of them. It was lied about for, so far, six decades, and I can't begin to describe the problems that it's caused in our family. Now my mother has three living daughters who regard her with contempt because of all the lying, (her love child died a few years ago), so she is a very, very lonely old lady. And that's exactly what she deserves. 

Can you not see you are repeating this same destructive behavior? You are married. You are having an affair. The contempt you have for your mother should open your eyes to what you are doing. What MM is doing. Her behavior explains your challenges; however, it does not the excuse what you are doing to yourself and to other people. You need to look into yourself to figure out why you are on this destructive path. 

Trust me, there would be no happiness if you got to be the "wife" to this cheating scumbag. You will constantly be worried when he leaves the house. You will be sick daily from knowing he could be with one of his mistresses. Nothing about this situation is healthy. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

She's not with him because she met him first. She's with him because he chooses to be with her every single day. If he genuinely wanted to be with you and only you, he would have started the process of separating from her and divorcing her.

Indeed, it is the way that it is because he has chosen it to be so. If he was unhappy, he would change his circumstance.

The truth is, he has his wife and he enjoys all the comforts of marriage - and, he has his relationship with you. OW make the mistake all the time of thinking that because you are unhappy, because you want things to be different, he must feel the same. The truth is - he doesn’t, or he would make a different decision. 

Your problem is not the wife, it is the MM. your envy and your frustration is misplaced. 

[pepperbird2]

On 1/11/2023 at 12:39 PM, jeniefriday said:

I contacted several life coaches online to address my self-esteem issues. I do not know why I have such a strong need for external validation that I'm willing to sell my soul to the devil just to hear "I love you" from a man. And I totally put their marriage on a pedestal. I envy and covet their relationship. I covet MM. 

may I ask why? Put yourself in his wife’s shoes for a minute. If he cheated on her with you, what o earth makes you think he won’t do the same to you? He may already have OW number 2,  3 , 4 ad nauseum.

The truth is, if it wasn’t you, it likely would have been someone else. You deserve better than to be second choice, and I can guarantee you that one you see you have value, deserve to be loved and have a lot to offer, you’ll see him for what he is. A weak person.