Boyfriend (39M) is searching up local women on social media that are not on his friends list

[Clamsarecool]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend (39M) for a few months after being friends for two years. He has admitted to cheating in a past relationship, but it was nearly ten years ago and he admitted he was an *** for it.

Background: There was a time before we were official, where we had agreed we were exclusive and I found out he had been on dating apps. He lied when confronted then trickle truthed. He said he was on the apps because we didn’t officially have the boyfriend/girlfriend label and it made him feel insecure and he felt like I had a foot out the door. He was not completely wrong that I did, but it was primarily because I didn’t trust him and I turned out to be right. Anyways, decided to give it a try ‘officially.’

Present: He has a lot of great qualities, and I have never had a boyfriend care and support me as much as he has, he is really trying to be a good boyfriend.

But his search history (before and after being official) shows he is searching up women on social media. A lot. Not insta models, pornstars or celebrities, which I would not care about. It is random, local women who are not on his friends list. And some have private social media pages so I am at a loss on how he is finding these names. He doesn’t have dating apps, am I crazy to be hurt and suspicious by this? Why does he need to be looking up these local women all the time? And where is he finding them?

[stillafool]

He's obviously looking to cheat on you with random local women.  He hasn't changed at all.  I wonder how bad your previous boyfriends were if this one is the best you've had.  I can assure you there are better men than your boyfriend out there to date.  He doesn't need to look up local women, he wants to look up local women, kiss them and have sex with them.  That is why he does it and he's not going to change.  What are you going to do about it?

[Clamsarecool]

Thanks for your reply stillafool. I don’t know what I am going to do at the moment. I honestly don’t think he is cheating or planning to, and we’ve spoken about cheating in general. I haven’t seen anything on his phone interacting with any of them and he doesn’t have the time. But then on the other hand where is he finding the names of these local women who doesn’t know? Maybe I’m being naive 

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, Clamsarecool said:

I honestly don’t think he is cheating or planning to,

I honestly don't think you would have started this thread if you didn't think he was planning to cheat.  If not, what else can we help you with?

[glows]

This may be his coping mechanism for stress and a habit he’s developed over a long period of time.

When the going gets tough he looks up other women. I’d be concerned how much of it is purposeful and how much of it is kneejerk. Either way it’s inappropriate and telling of how he operates in life in general and how he is in relationships. 

Cheating isn’t just sex with someone else. There’s emotional cheating, financial infidelity common in marriages and couples living together and so on. Anything that you would rather your partner not find out about but do anyway is cheating your partner out of that knowledge or a decision to pursue a better life without you.

[NuevoYorko]

 I would NEVER stay in a relationship with a person who was searching through my phone, and I hope you would not either.  I also would not stay in a relationship with a person who I knew was hunting for other men,  particularly when that person was a known cheater.

You need to break up unless you want to be on spy duty for the duration, since you can't trust him.  No relationship can survive that.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Clamsarecool said:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend (39M) for a few months .we had agreed we were exclusive and I found out he had been on dating apps. He lied when confronted then trickle truthed.

You've only been dating a few months. It's a red flag, so step back and observe. He make be a walking example of "once a cheater...."

[Clamsarecool]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I honestly don't think you would have started this thread if you didn't think he was planning to cheat.  If not, what else can we help you with?

[Clamsarecool]

i tend to overthink a lot so I thought maybe there is an explanation or perspective I didn’t think of 

Edited November 30, 2022 by Clamsarecool

[Clamsarecool]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've only been dating a few months. It's a red flag, so step back and observe. He make be a walking example of "once a cheater....

[Clamsarecool]

We had known each other for a couple years before, and he liked me but I told him I didn’t want to date him.

 He doesn’t seem like he would cheat and frankly doesn’t have the time. He said the reason he went on the apps before was because he was insecure, but I found out about the apps by snooping and he said the snooping is that is just as bad as the apps. But I wouldn’t have found out if I hadn’t snooped. We talked it through and I’m ‘leaving’ that in the last
 

He’s not on currently on apps, and I guess I’m just trying to see if there is another reason why he is searching for all these local girls or my feelings about it are valid

[ShyViolet]

There shouldn't be this many problems when you've only been dating a few months.  He has a history of lying.  If you stay in this relationship you're going to always be in this position of having to play detective, and having to worry about whether he is lying again.  I think there is definitely enough reason to get out of this situation before it goes any further.

[shellzbellz83]

Why didn't you want to date him initially?

[glows]

26 minutes ago, Clamsarecool said:

He said the reason he went on the apps before was because he was insecure, but I found out about the apps by snooping and he said the snooping is that is just as bad as the apps.

It’s not the apps but his search history that has you suspicious about him right now, presently. It’s strange you told him you didn’t want to date him (for two years?) and then changed your mind and equally strange that he would date you after such hesitancy on your part.

Did he ever share with you who these individuals were or did he just gaslight you and turn the blame on you and your snooping? 

Granted, the snooping was going down a rabbithole and searching for clues to support deep mistrust in the relationship anyway, distrust that was at the very start of the relationship - maybe even beyond that to when you were supposed to be just friends.

Choosing to stay with him is only supporting that lack of trust and neither of you are acknowledging any issues. It’s a lot of finger pointing and feeling uneasy because nothing changes. 

[Will am I]

So… if you stay in this relationship… would you ever feel confident, secure, loved?

I’m afraid you already know in your heart, just need the conformation.

[Clamsarecool]

2 hours ago, shellzbellz83 said:

Why didn't you want to date him initially?

[Clamsarecool]

There were a few incompatibilities from my perspective like love language and cleanliness, and money.

[Clamsarecool]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

So… if you stay in this relationship… would you ever feel confident, secure, loved?

I’m afraid you already know in your heart, just need the conformation.

He does make me feel loved and he really understands me and is very supportive, but I don’t feel confident and secure. 

[amerikajin]

7 hours ago, Clamsarecool said:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend (39M) for a few months after being friends for two years. He has admitted to cheating in a past relationship, but it was nearly ten years ago and he admitted he was an *** for it.

Background: There was a time before we were official, where we had agreed we were exclusive and I found out he had been on dating apps. He lied when confronted then trickle truthed. He said he was on the apps because we didn’t officially have the boyfriend/girlfriend label and it made him feel insecure and he felt like I had a foot out the door. He was not completely wrong that I did, but it was primarily because I didn’t trust him and I turned out to be right. Anyways, decided to give it a try ‘officially.’

Present: He has a lot of great qualities, and I have never had a boyfriend care and support me as much as he has, he is really trying to be a good boyfriend.

But his search history (before and after being official) shows he is searching up women on social media. A lot. Not insta models, pornstars or celebrities, which I would not care about. It is random, local women who are not on his friends list. And some have private social media pages so I am at a loss on how he is finding these names. He doesn’t have dating apps, am I crazy to be hurt and suspicious by this? Why does he need to be looking up these local women all the time? And where is he finding them?

 

Past cheating + getting caught in a lie already + looking up random women (behind your back, I presume).

Where do you think this leads?

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, Clamsarecool said:

i tend to overthink a lot so I thought maybe there is an explanation or perspective I didn’t think of 

But you are going through his phone.  I certainly HOPE you have strong basis for serious suspicions, or else you are the problem here, not him.  You're invading his privacy.

[glows]

4 hours ago, Clamsarecool said:

He does make me feel loved and he really understands me and is very supportive, but I don’t feel confident and secure. 

It’s probably time to decide whether this conflict you feel is something you want to live with. It doesn’t sound like you were ever very secure around him.

Edited December 1, 2022 by glows

[Clamsarecool]

That’s how I found out he was on dating apps in before we were ‘official’ and that he is still searching up all these girls

[Clamsarecool]

52 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s probably time to decide whether this conflict you feel is something you want to live with. It doesn’t sound like you were ever very secure around him.

Yeah that is true

[amerikajin]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

But you are going through his phone.  I certainly HOPE you have strong basis for serious suspicions, or else you are the problem here, not him.  You're invading his privacy.

Meh, given the history, being suspicious and curious is a natural reaction. The real question, then, is: given the justifiable suspicion, why is the OP even thinking about what to do next?

[amerikajin]

1 hour ago, Clamsarecool said:

Yeah that is true

This doesn't have to be dramatic. This doesn't have to be a "You're a cheater" confrontation, because honestly, you don't know if he has or has not cheated. But that doesn't matter. All that needs to be said is, I don't get the feeling your heart is into this relationship the way that mine is. That's all that needs to be said.

Don't let him sucker you back in. Walk on.

Edited December 1, 2022 by amerikajin