Boyfriend (39M) is searching up local women on social media that are not on his friends list

[NuevoYorko]

39 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

Meh, given the history, being suspicious and curious is a natural reaction. The real question, then, is: given the justifiable suspicion, why is the OP even thinking about what to do next?

You're not wrong.  My point is - isn't the "necessity" to go through his phone enough?  I say yes, it's enough.  Say bye.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Clamsarecool said:

That’s how I found out he was on dating apps in before we were ‘official’ and that he is still searching up all these girls

I’d consider not ever knowing at this point. 

The very fact that both of you appear to have very little ability to communicate or work through difficult or tense issues is likely proof of how dysfunctional this relationship really is.

You snooped, he evades and gets upset with you, you’re left in the dark - little to no real communication here except for snooping, ducking, being in the dark. Yet apparently he makes you feel loved and understands you as you said earlier. 

There doesn’t seem to be any end in sight and you do seem very conflicted and confused. Why did you date him in the first place after not wanting to date him for 2 years?

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, Clamsarecool said:

He does make me feel loved and he really understands me and is very supportive, but I don’t feel confident and secure. 

He can be sweet to you all he wants, but as long as he won’t stop sweet talking other women you will never be safe in the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Clamsarecool said:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend (39M) for a few months after being friends for two years.  we had agreed we were exclusive and I found out he had been on dating apps. He lied when confronted 

What inspired you to start dating after all this time? Are either of you recently out of a relationship?

Unfortunately it seems like the transition from friends to lovers isn't going well. It's only a few months and already there's lies, doubts, suspicion and a general uneasiness.

Rethink if dating him is right for you.

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, Clamsarecool said:

he is searching up women on social media. A lot.

It's obviously something he can't stop himself doing.

He hasn't learned from his past cheating and he is never going to.

17 hours ago, Clamsarecool said:

I honestly don’t think he is cheating or planning to

Of course he is.

Its why he is doing it. He can't help himself.

[Alpacalia]

What you see is what you get.

Whatever happens, don't let it drag out. You could easily ignore the situation and carry on, but in the long run, it will break you into pieces.

Stop accepting this treatment. If there is no trust, there is no foundation for anything.

If you have to play detective, then it's time. Except who and what type of person he is and move on.

This type of man will always apologize, then lie about what these women mean to him. These women mean far more to him than your feelings.

When a man is IN love with a woman, he doesn't behave this way....it's that simple.

Edited December 1, 2022 by Alpacalia

[PotatoHead]

So he is just looking up random women on social media, but as far as you know has not had any contact with any of them?  Is he only looking up women's names or are there men too?  Are they only what you would consider to be attractive women?

Some people myself included look up people on social media for work purposes, those we have been or may be associated with, and sometimes just out of random curiosity.  I do not think this constitutes cheating.  What is it you think he is doing when he looks them up?

The bigger issue here is that you felt insecure enough to have to check his search history.  It's understandable knowing that he has cheated in the past, he needs to put in the self work and be able to set boundaries to protect your relationship and earn your trust.  At this point there is nothing to do besides tell him what you've found and ask for an explanation.

[Clamsarecool]

1 hour ago, PotatoHead said:

So he is just looking up random women on social media, but as far as you know has not had any contact with any of them?  Is he only looking up women's names or are there men too?  Are they only what you would consider to be attractive women?

Some people myself included look up people on social media for work purposes, those we have been or may be associated with, and sometimes just out of random curiosity.  I do not think this constitutes cheating.  What is it you think he is doing when he looks them up?

The bigger issue here is that you felt insecure enough to have to check his search history.  It's understandable knowing that he has cheated in the past, he needs to put in the self work and be able to set boundaries to protect your relationship and earn your trust.  At this point there is nothing to do besides tell him what you've found and ask for an explanation.

It’s random women, and they are from our city which is why it bothers me. And some of their profiles are private so I don’t know how he is finding some of them in the first place.

 

And yes they are mostly attractive women. He looks up guys but not very often 

[PotatoHead]

Tell him what you found and ask him why he does it.  Tell him it makes you uncomfortable.  How he responds should tell you everything you need to know.

It is pretty strange that he would just be randomly looking them up.  You said there is no way he could be cheating.  How many of them would you say there were?

[Clamsarecool]

1 hour ago, PotatoHead said:

Tell him what you found and ask him why he does it.  Tell him it makes you uncomfortable.  How he responds should tell you everything you need to know.

It is pretty strange that he would just be randomly looking them up.  You said there is no way he could be cheating.  How many of them would you say there were?

Tbh haven’t really counted, but more than what I feel would be appropriate? Like 5+ at a time

[Clamsarecool]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What inspired you to start dating after all this time? Are either of you recently out of a relationship?

Unfortunately it seems like the transition from friends to lovers isn't going well. It's only a few months and already there's lies, doubts, suspicion and a general uneasiness.

Rethink if dating him is right for you.

Neither of us were recently out of a relationship when we started dating. We got close over Covid and coincidentally he really cares about me and has been there for me through some things.

I figured might as well try it out, and a couple friends said the same

[PotatoHead]

33 minutes ago, Clamsarecool said:

Tbh haven’t really counted, but more than what I feel would be appropriate? Like 5+ at a time

Doesn't seem like he is fixating on any specific women then.  Hard to say how he could be getting their names, perhaps just through friends of friends, filtering people by city etc.  Regardless he must have some reason for looking them up, either is hunting for women to date or hook up with, or maybe just fantasizing about them.  Either way it is odd and shouldn't be happening.

Be sure to let us know what his reasoning and reaction is.

[Clamsarecool]

3 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Doesn't seem like he is fixating on any specific women then.  Hard to say how he could be getting their names, perhaps just through friends of friends, filtering people by city etc.  Regardless he must have some reason for looking them up, either is hunting for women to date or hook up with, or maybe just fantasizing about them.  Either way it is odd and shouldn't be happening.

Be sure to let us know what his reasoning and reaction is.

Well some women have been searched more than once. I just wasn’t sure if I was overreacting and felt like this is something you shouldn’t be doing while dating someone 

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Clamsarecool said:

... something you shouldn’t be doing while dating someone 

When we bring the word "should" into relationships, it brings trouble because there's a lot of grey area depending on the view of the individuals involved.

The question should be "Is this behaviour acceptable to me?"   If not, you either have to discuss it with him (and disclose your own snooping which will open a whole other can of worms) or move on.

[stillafool]

On 12/1/2022 at 6:36 PM, basil67 said:

The question should be "Is this behaviour acceptable to me?" 

I agree.  The ifs, what and why he's doing it doesn't matter in the least.  What matters is if it's acceptable to you and what you expect from a  boyfriend.  Are you just dating him or has he asked you to be in a commited relationship.  If you are just dating, he may think what he's doing is find if there was no mention of exclusivity.  He may not appreciate your snooping.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/30/2022 at 4:46 PM, Clamsarecool said:

He said he was on the apps because we didn’t officially have the boyfriend/girlfriend label and it made him feel insecure and he felt like I had a foot out the door. He was not completely wrong that I did, but it was primarily because I didn’t trust him and I turned out to be right. Anyways, decided to give it a try ‘officially.’

This was a mistake. 

You didn't trust him, and still don't. There was no good reason to make it official, when you already knew he wasn't in it the same way you were. You can't possibly have a healthy, sustainable relationship with someone you feel compelled to monitor them and look over your shoulder all the time. 

This is not your guy, OP. 

[smackie9]

Guys will treat you like a queen to pull the wool over your eyes while they continue their cheating activities like searching for women on apps. You can keep defending him all you want, still doesn't change the fact he's a con artist. He's still looking while you are a place holder.