Johnnyflowers Posted November 30, 2022 Share Posted November 30, 2022 Hi everyone. Help me make sense of this. So I live with my GF. We are in our 40s. I work from home and so does she. we don't have kids. I always feel like she is manipulating me. Long story. But latest is this....Around 10am yesterday I told her I was going out for a run in a bit. She said ok then I will run to Walmart while you go for a run I just have to pick up some bread and milk, a few things, and I'll be right back home. I told her that I was only going for a 30 minute walk and would be home soon too. She said, ok great we'll see who gets home first. So sounds like she is planning on being back within 30 minutes. So I go for my walk and instead of 30 minutes I stay out for over an hour. I get no text from her at that time (checking on me , or telling me shes home, or is running longer etc. nothing). Since I didn't hear from her I figured she got home after 30 minutes as was just probably waiting for me. When I get home, after my 1 hour or so run, I'm kind of shocked to realize she isn't home. So I text her and say "I'm home. you ok"? She reads the text immediately and replies "I'm on my way". "Got tied up looking at jeans!". So she arrives home like 7 minutes later (it's about 7 minutes away). She seems in a bad mood and I say what is wrong? She replies that she was just feeling anxious at the store and forgot this and forgot that etc. Then she says she got anxious about my text and wanted to hurry home. I'm thinking ok weird. Many times when I'm out running after an hour she will text me "Just checking on you! All is good"? I always get a smile on my face when she texts me this because it tells me she is worried about me and thinking about me. I see her text as something positive. But for some reason my text produced all this anxiety in her? Weird. Now I have to admit when I got home and she wasn't home I felt a little deceived or suspicious. Why would she tell me she's going to the store to pick up two things (which should have taken about 20 minutes) and then is there for over an hour? I was feeling anxious and that is why I texted her to see what was going on. Was it inappropriate for me to text see what is going on? And why the double standard? Why can she text to check on me (for whatever her reason) and I see it as a positive but when I text her because she is gone way longer that she said, she sees it as a negative? Does that say something about her? She did come back with groceries so I do feel like she was doing what she said but I still feel uneasy because of episodes like these. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2022 Share Posted November 30, 2022 34 minutes ago, Johnnyflowers said: Hi everyone. Help me make sense of this. So I live with my GF. We are in our 40s. I work from home and so does she. I go for my walk and instead of 30 minutes I stay out for over an hour. I How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? Whose house is it. It's odd you stated you would be out 30 min, then were out an hour without texting her. There is nothing "weird" about her browsing/shopping for longer maybe just to get out of the house for a while. If you don't have to check in when you are out 2x as long as you state, why should she? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted November 30, 2022 Share Posted November 30, 2022 Why would you leave the house simultaneously? You can run at 9am and your GF may decide at 1pm that she wants to do some shopping. Are neither of you trusting the other person ro be alone in the home? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Johnjohnson2017 Posted November 30, 2022 Share Posted November 30, 2022 I don't necessarily think it's weird. Does she like shopping/browsing? Maybe she decided to just walk around the store. She must have gotten distracted and didn't realize how much time had passed. She probably got flustered by your text maybe she interpreted it as "why aren't u home yet" "come back right away" instead of "I'm worried hope everything is all right" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 30, 2022 Share Posted November 30, 2022 I don't think her actions are weird. However, I do find it odd that it appears you expect to know where she is, what she's doing, etc. and that you are uneasy about what seems like a pretty normal thing. It's not uncommon for me to head out for errands thinking I'll be back home at a certain time but then to get sidetracked or distracted by something and being out a lot longer than planned. Unless someone was more than an hour or even two longer than they had told me they would be, I wouldn't worry. If she normally checks on you if you aren't home as soon as you say you will be, then I understand that's the habit you two have. But I don't understand it being such a strict thing that any variance causes you suspicion. My first thought is that maybe you (as well as she) have a suspicious nature. Maybe she felt anxious after your text because she felt you were keeping tabs on her and didn't see it as a caring thing, but as controlling. Unless you have reasons to be suspicious of what each other does when you're not together, I think you should let this go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted December 1, 2022 Share Posted December 1, 2022 I feel like I'm missing something here. I don't get what is weird about a woman going shopping and taking a little longer than planned because of clothes browsing. I do this allll the time. I think she was agitated because she thought you might get all arsey with her for being a bit longer. She is fine OP. It's you that has insecurity issues. It's your irrationality over absolutely nothing that isn't normal. You need to look at yourself, not her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 1, 2022 Share Posted December 1, 2022 The very plain and likely answer is she’s frustrated with herself for forgetting some items she wanted to buy. Your text reminded her you were home and curious and she lost track of what she was doing. I don’t think either of you did anything wrong and nothing suspicious is going on. She likes to check in on you sometimes and you think it’s sweet. I would not assume your text was negative to her. Before you part ways next time on separate trips doing different things mention briefly “Is it ok with you that I text you in a bit when I’m done or should I not disturb you?” It’s not a big deal overall and she’ll tell you what she prefers. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 1, 2022 Share Posted December 1, 2022 21 hours ago, Johnnyflowers said: When I get home, after my 1 hour or so run, I'm kind of shocked to realize she isn't home. Now I have to admit when I got home and she wasn't home I felt a little deceived or suspicious. Why would she tell me she's going to the store to pick up two things (which should have taken about 20 minutes) and then is there for over an hour? Are you actually kidding me??? Who actually gets "shocked" and "suspicious" that their partner spent an hour shopping instead of 20 min?!?! JFC, that would be controlling behaviour even for a parent of a 17-yo, let alone a spouse!! If you have such deep issues with insecurity and lack of trust, why are you even with this person? Quote Any advice? Yes. Go to therapy STAT to figure out what the root of your issue is, otherwise you are going to run this relationship and every relationship you ever have into the ground. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 1, 2022 Share Posted December 1, 2022 23 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said: She probably got flustered by your text maybe she interpreted it as "why aren't u home yet" "come back right away" instead of "I'm worried hope everything is all right" No kidding, especially since you "always feel like she is manipulating you." If you think that she is an untrustworthy person, why are you with her? You seem very controlling. Sounds like a very toxic situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted December 4, 2022 Share Posted December 4, 2022 I think you are getting very paranoid over nothing. It sounds like you have some serious insecurity issues that you need to address. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 4, 2022 Share Posted December 4, 2022 On 11/30/2022 at 1:37 PM, Johnnyflowers said: Any advice? You are overthinking this… On 11/30/2022 at 1:37 PM, Johnnyflowers said: Why would she tell me she's going to the store to pick up two things (which should have taken about 20 minutes) and then is there for over an hour? Because women get distracted when shopping. Or, if she is like me she will underestimate how much time it will take to get what she needs… or remember three other things that she needs. This happens regularly in my home. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 4, 2022 Share Posted December 4, 2022 I think you are both deeply insecure and have each other on a leash. I would feel suffocated by the "check-ins" and "where are you???" What is the backstory here? It's not exactly normal to suddenly be worried or suspicious when someone takes longer than expected at Walmart. I am going to guess this isn't really the issue and there is a lot more to this: On 11/30/2022 at 8:37 PM, Johnnyflowers said: I always feel like she is manipulating me What is this all about? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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