Is their a need to be in a relationship?

[lost-found]

I'm a 42/m with a 13/f daughter.  7 years ago I lost my wife, 2 kid, and my daughter lost her legs to a drunk driver.

My family no longer communicates me due to walking away for a better life.  In laws past away about 12 years ago.

I'm an artist so I work from home and make a good living.  I'm a bit old school as we grow a large % of our own food on our farm.

Over the last 5 year I have dated a few times, but have not found someone that is true to them self once you peal off their coating.  I feel that I'm to the point in my life that I no longer need to be in a relation ship.  Is it normal to feel this way?   

[NuevoYorko]

It's okay.  Relationships aren't required.   Is your daughter getting her social needs met with your lifestyle?  There might be a concern about her being too isolated.

I'm very sorry for your terrible loss.   

[lost-found]

My daughter dose on line school, but we go the the gym 5 or 6 days a week, church once a week, after church she hangs out with a bunch of friends for about an hour, and depending on weather and what their doing their is a mid week get together she will go to.  I feel that she gets her social needs meat as often she wants to cut short some of the get togethers she goes to.  

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear about what happened to your family.

Some folks feel an "emotional need" to be in a relationship, others don't and are perfectly happy alone.

You are who you are. If there's no need for you, then there's no need. Possibly a relationship with the right person could add positive things to your life, but it's certainly not a requirement.

[lost-found]

Thanks

[glows]

On 12/1/2022 at 6:13 PM, lost-found said:

Over the last 5 year I have dated a few times, but have not found someone that is true to them self once you peal off their coating.  I feel that I'm to the point in my life that I no longer need to be in a relation ship.  Is it normal to feel this way?   

I share the same thoughts as the others and am also sorry for the devastating loss of your family. I’m also glad you continue to have your daughter. 

In addition, what stood out to me in the above is your general disappointment of people once the outer layers are peeled off and you get to know someone. You may be drawn to a person based on insincere claims and then realize they are not who they say they are. Ask questions and keep your dates light and short early on. You may be burnt out from being involved too quickly and then disappointed because someone isn’t what you thought they were. 

It’s perfectly fine not to want a relationship either. Just be clear about that when you’re dating so that others know and aren’t misled by your words or actions. It is okay to be figuring things out. Take it slower if you’re still curious and interested in getting to know people.

[lost-found]

I let people know before date #1 that being 100% truthful from then on is what matters most to me.  I understand and it's natural for people to stretch the truth of lots of things in their life, but once dating to me it needs to stop.  I just can not deal with people that lie once in a relationship as I never know how far the leis will go.

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, lost-found said:

I let people know before date #1 that being 100% truthful from then on is what matters most to me. 

That's reasonable.  But people are not going to reveal their most vulnerable selves to someone they just met.  They need time to revel themselves.   This doesn't mean that they are lying. 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, lost-found said:

I let people know before date #1 that being 100% truthful from then on is what matters most to me.  I understand and it's natural for people to stretch the truth of lots of things in their life, but once dating to me it needs to stop.  I just can not deal with people that lie once in a relationship as I never know how far the leis will go.

You have two different issues going here. 

“Honest” is a mutable concept. 

The other is that your asking strangers you haven't met to be 100% truthful with you, which really means you want to hear what want to hear.

I take it to mean complete and forthcoming honesty, and I personally think that is both an overly demanding and unproductive standard to expect. 

Expecting the truth is fine. The expectation that someone will tell you everything about their day, their actions, their thoughts is wrong.

Did you cheat on me? I would expect a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to that question, and I would expect the 100% truth. If I found out it wasn’t the truth, I would not be happy.

Edited December 5, 2022 by Alpacalia

[lost-found]

I understand when you first meat someone that the truth get stretched and I think everyone dose that.  I'm not asking for someone to spill the beans about everything they have done in their life, but if a question is asked the truth should come out.  I also do not think it is right to just ask question after question.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, lost-found said:

I understand when you first meat someone that the truth get stretched and I think everyone dose that.  I'm not asking for someone to spill the beans about everything they have done in their life, but if a question is asked the truth should come out.  I also do not think it is right to just ask question after question.

What kind of questions do they lie in response to?  

[glows]

That’s understandable, OP. I don’t have much tolerance for lies or lies by omission (omitted facts either). I’m assuming by this point we’re discussing dating exclusively with the intention of being in a relationship with someone.

There is a tendency unfortunately for people to inflate themselves and many aren’t actually in it for the long haul so may feel masquerading as something else is acceptable for the short term. They don’t intend to stick around. 

It’s important you’re wary but not jaded. Negativity is easy to pick up and most avoid that, not an attractive trait. Keep an open mind and your eyes and ears open too.

 

Edited December 5, 2022 by glows

[lost-found]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

What kind of questions do they lie in response to?  

I think @glows said it for me.

Lots of times people tell white lies when flirting to impress the other person or when they are with their friends.  I do not want to be part or date a lie.  At the point that dating starts the lies need to stop.  If someone can not be truthful to them self or who they want to spend a lot of time with then they have issues that I do not want to be part of.

People that have relationships that are centered around lies and sex do not last long.  I do not date to get laid...

[Alpacalia]

Of course, no one wants to date someone that isn't truthful.

Honesty though shouldn't be confused with privacy.

I believe it is necessary to try and be as honest as possible. With an open communication, honesty should be expected. Privacy is completely different. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, lost-found said:

I think @glows said it for me.

Lots of times people tell white lies when flirting to impress the other person or when they are with their friends.  I do not want to be part or date a lie.  At the point that dating starts the lies need to stop.  If someone can not be truthful to them self or who they want to spend a lot of time with then they have issues that I do not want to be part of.

People that have relationships that are centered around lies and sex do not last long.  I do not date to get laid...

Thanks for the explanation.   I went back to the top of the thread to find out if you have a question.  And you asked "Is it normal to feel this way?"  

Yes, I wouldn't want to date someone who told outright lies or gross exaggerations.  But I wouldn't get bent out of shape over a little embellishment for the sake of the story.  And I understand that our memories (especially from long past) aren't always factual and wouldn't call someone out on it

One bit which isn't "normal" to me is telling someone before the first date that you do not tolerate lies.  That would put me off because the fact that you have to say this shows that you're expecting me to lie.   It would be a red flag about them possibly having too many issues.  Or having a stick up their rear end and getting upset if I misremembered something and so told a story slightly differently over time.  

The other bit which isn't normal is that you say this happens "lots of times".  I don't know if you're nitpicking or really unlucky, but I know very few people who embellish or lie to a significant degree.  

 

 

[lost-found]

@basil67

I don't nitpick people, but was I except a standard of being truthful to your self and who you date.  If I was out their to just get laid then my mentality would not work, but I'm out there for a relationship.  Your responses just show that you feel it is normal to not be truthful in relationships and this is why I'm done with dating.  

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, lost-found said:

@basil67

I don't nitpick people, but was I except a standard of being truthful to your self and who you date.  If I was out their to just get laid then my mentality would not work, but I'm out there for a relationship.  Your responses just show that you feel it is normal to not be truthful in relationships and this is why I'm done with dating.  

@lost-found I said that I know very few people who embellish or lie to a significant degree.  I also said that I would not date someone who did.  So how did you come about the conclusion that I feel it’s normal to not be truthful in relationships?

Edited December 6, 2022 by basil67

[lost-found]

Before I got with married I ran into it a lot.  I have dated 6 people in the last 5 years and it is all I have found.  Most of the married people I good friends with are living in a lie, but they just except it as a part of life as their is nothing they can do about it.

It's time for me to be technology free and play in the mud...

[basil67]

What kind of lies (big and small) did your dates tell you?  

What makes you say that most of your married friends are living in a lie?  I can't imagine knowing enough about the intimate lives of most of my married friends to say such a thing. 

Edited December 6, 2022 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

I think that you are misunderstanding a lot of what goes on when  people  are getting to know each other.  Frankly, a whole bunch of what has happened in the lives or minds of people you are just meeting is none of your business at all.   People will be revealing themselves and being vulnerable when they know they are in a "safe" place to do so.

You are making it very clear that you expect everyone to lie, and you think all your friends are living lies.  If I were dating and I met someone who was coming at me with that kind of attitude, I would not want to share my personal things with them.  I would not think they were trustworthy. 

[lost-found]

@basil67

I have been lied to about the types of jobs they have had in the past, what collage they went to, what degree they got, how much debt their in, about their parents being alive, that they did not have a brother, that they do not smoke or do drugs, and the list goes on.  I remember these details and it drives me nuts when it changes weeks down the road.  From what I have seen from other people growing up is people that can not tell the truth to them self can never tell the truth to others.

I know a married couple where the husband whos wife thinks he is a pescatarian, but last time we went out to eat he wanted to go to a stake house and got the 12 oz ribeye.  If you eat at their house you will be eating fish.  She swears she dose not eat red meat, but I ran into her eating at the local hole in the wall eating a hamburger.

I know a woman that has 2 kids from the relationship before the 1 she is in, but she told her husband that she never had any kids.  She dose spend time with the kids from time to time.

I know a man that is up to his eyeballs in debt, working 2 full time jobs, juggling credit cards, about to loss everything, but tells his wife they are fine and it is fine to buy what every you want.  Somehow I ended up going out to eat with them and she would not let me pick up the bill as they were loaded.

Their is a guy at the gym that his wife thinks he works full time, but in truth he spends half the day at they gym and works about 25 hours a week.  He makes good money, wife is only allowed to text him when he is at "work", he keeps his gym stuff in his trunk, and washes it weekly at the laundry mat.  I have no idea what he did when the gym closed for COVID.  I have not meat his wife, but have know him for 8+ years.

Edited December 6, 2022 by lost-found

[lost-found]

@NuevoYorko

I think you have it wrong.  I understand when flurting and when you first meat someone stuff gets said that's not true.  On the first date I nicely lay out my expectations of the relationship and ask then what they are looking for.  That way both parties know what they are getting into and have a chance to walk away.

[basil67]

OK, so you've given a list of the crazy marriages you know of.  And the lies you've received on dates.  But do you know any couples who live regular marriages?  Did you ever date someone who didn't lie to you?   I'm not saying that lies don't happen, but I don't believe it's the norm.  

For what it's worth, I think the pescatarian couple who occasionally eat meat is just amusing and hardly "living a lie".  Sounds like they are both kindly keeping the facade to keep the other happy.  They aren't hurting anyone and it's hardly going to break their marriage so what does it matter?  

 

Edited December 6, 2022 by basil67
grammar

[basil67]

By the way, I'm not writing my responses in order to attack you.  Rather, I believe that in life, if we look for evil, we find evil.  Conversely, if we look for good, we find good - and reality is likely somewhere in the middle. 

I fear that you've gotten into a cycle of looking for bad and each time you find it, it further reinforces your belief that most people tell terrible lies.   I suggest you try  and counter this by also looking for and acknowledging good.

[Alpacalia]

When someone leads with how trustworthy they are that tends to raise a red flag.

A trustworthy person will also respect other people's boundaries.