Nutty Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 Just been dumped after an 8 year relationship with MM, yes l knew he was married , told me he will not leave his wife from the beginning, l knew the wife from social circles , l blame myself for falling shot, l was going through a divorce myself and was struggling as my exH had left me for another woman also my dad had passed away . I don’t know how l got myself in this entanglement, guess l needed to feel loved and wanted with all I have been going through. He was so good looking , great in bed and so attentive to me, he was a good listener and very helpful if l needed anything broken fixed at my house. At first when he told me about not leaving his wife l was ok with that, but l later developed feelings for him, though l couldn’t tell him how l feel it was a struggle for me. He never spoke about his wife, never made me any promises, never took me out on a date and no presents, yet l was ok with it as long as l have someone who adores me. Someone who calls me daily , and occasional protected sex. I don’t know why l didn’t end this , l guess part of me was hoping he would fall in love with me and leave her for me I feel used, embarrassed, humiliated, sad. His wife found out l guess, just out of nowhere after l spoke with him earlier as per our usual daily calls, he phoned and told me never to contact him again it’s over, , l didn’t even have time to react and he just put the phone down. I tried calling him the next day for an explanation but he’d already blocked me everywhere, so l can’t get any closure. It’s been an emotional roller coaster for me. I have taken 2 weeks time off work to grieve, l just can’t function, why does it hurt soo much , will l ever recover, l miss him soo much, I long for him despite him dumping me, do you think he will come back? Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 36 minutes ago, Skyee said: l needed to feel loved and wanted You will never get that with a MM. 39 minutes ago, Skyee said: He was so good looking , great in bed and so attentive to me, he was a good listener To keep you invested in your relationship. 40 minutes ago, Skyee said: out of nowhere after l spoke with him earlier as per our usual daily calls, he phoned and told me never to contact him again it’s over, This shows that he didn't care in the slightest about you. Obviously the moment his wife suspected something, he dropped you in a heartbeat. I'm really sorry for everything you have been through (wish I could give you hug). He was never the man for you. He never cared. He took advantage of you during your most vulnerable time. You deserve so much better that this. Please don't waste your tears on this rat, because he isn't doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 56 minutes ago, Skyee said: l knew he was married , told me he will not leave his wife from the beginning., l was going through a divorce myself and was struggling as my exH had left me for another woman. Sorry this happened. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Sadly you were in a bad place and that led to going down this long dark road. He saw a vulnerable woman he could easily prey on. While the affair was a distraction from and band-aid on your divorce pain, now that it's over, a tsunami of unresolved pain from your divorce and this affair ending is hitting you. Perhaps a therapist could help you unpack and sort some of this out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 (edited) I’m so sorry that you are hurting. If you don’t have a counsellor, it is the single best decision you could make right now. You will need the support right now. Of course, you are welcome to post here. You may want to start a journal. Go for long walks. Cry. It will get better with time but there is a lot to heal… As for ‘closure,’ of course you would like to hear from him what happened but I think you already know. Closure isn’t really something he can give you, closure is something that you give yourself. You have to do the work to get your closure - which is why it would be wise to see a counsellor. Eight years is a very long time to spend in a dead end relationship. You’ve got a lot of work to do here to get yourself back to a healthy and happy place… I wish you well. Take care of yourself. Edited December 2, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 4 hours ago, Skyee said: I long for him despite him dumping me, do you think he will come back? Haven't you had enough? You've wasted 8 years of your life on someone else's husband and then he dumped you like you were nothing. Don't you want better for your life at this point? I can't blame this all on him because you made the decision to get involved and wait around for 8 years hoping to break up his marriage in order to have him. I think at this point it would help you to find a good therapist to sort yourself out so you don't make this type of decision again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 (edited) Further to my previous post, right now you are focused on the grief and the end of this relationship. It’s still a shock and you are trying to figure out how to deal with the pain right now... But ultimately, I hope you begin to ask yourself why you chose this relationship for yourself - and what’s more, why you stayed for so long. Sure, you were hurting from your divorce and he offered you the affection and attention that you felt you needed at the time… but to spend eight years in a relationship with an unavailable man… If you are going to move forward and hope to find a healthy relationship for yourself in the future, there is a lot to work through here because this relationship has affected you in ways that you can’t even begin to understand now. What began as a band aid solution has done more damage than your divorce ever did… Edited December 2, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 Are you divorced or separated from your ex-H? Unfortunately you met this married man when you were feeling down and low about yourself and settled for very little. Even if he comes back, why would you take him back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nutty Posted December 2, 2022 Author Share Posted December 2, 2022 I do deeply regret putting myself in this situation, it’s true l wasted 8 years of my life on a dead end relationship waiting, how stupid I’ve been. I hate myself right now , I’m so sad and beyond hurt. I have booked myself Therapy hope it helps, thanks for all your kind response. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nutty Posted December 2, 2022 Author Share Posted December 2, 2022 3 minutes ago, glows said: Are you divorced or separated from your ex-H? Unfortunately you met this married man when you were feeling down and low about yourself and settled for very little. Even if he comes back, why would you take him back? I am now officially divorced from my exH, l know at that time l was going through a turmoil and found comfort with MM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nutty Posted December 2, 2022 Author Share Posted December 2, 2022 55 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Further to my previous post, right now you are focused on the grief and the end of this relationship. It’s still a shock and you are trying to figure out how to deal with the pain right now... But ultimately, I hope you begin to ask yourself why you chose this relationship for yourself - and what’s more, why you stayed for so long. Sure, you were hurting from your divorce and he offered you the affection and attention that you felt you needed at the time… but to spend eight years in a relationship with an unavailable man… If you are going to move forward and hope to find a healthy relationship for yourself in the future, there is a lot to work through here because this relationship has affected you in ways that you can’t even begin to understand now. What began as a band aid solution has done more damage than your divorce ever did… True I have to try and move forward and forget about him, still shocked though how he dumped me Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 There are many people on this site who have been in your same position. It does get better, it takes time and introspection. Be kind to yourself, we do the best we can with what we have at the time… but when we know better, we do better. If this man does come back, I would hope that you would find the strength to tell him “no thanks.” I hope you can get to a place where your coping strategy of choice no longer serves you… The ending here was very predictable. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do now except feel the feelings and begin the work of healing… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nutty Posted December 2, 2022 Author Share Posted December 2, 2022 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Haven't you had enough? You've wasted 8 years of your life on someone else's husband and then he dumped you like you were nothing. Don't you want better for your life at this point? I can't blame this all on him because you made the decision to get involved and wait around for 8 years hoping to break up his marriage in order to have him. I think at this point it would help you to find a good therapist to sort yourself out so you don't make this type of decision again. True, will try Therapy thanks Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Skyee said: True I have to try and move forward and forget about him, still shocked though how he dumped me Shocking, yes. Your life changed in a moment, and that’s always shocking. But it was very predictable. An eight year affair in during which he never made any plans to leave his wife can only ever end in one way - with the OW hurt and heartbroken. Edited December 2, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 6 minutes ago, Skyee said: I am now officially divorced from my exH, l know at that time l was going through a turmoil and found comfort with MM You’re now seeing how flimsy and low quality that comfort was. At the drop of a hat he’s gone. Reason? It wasn’t ever a legitimate relationship and he has little integrity cheating on his wife. You trusted an untrustworthy person. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nutty Posted December 2, 2022 Author Share Posted December 2, 2022 True, it’s sad that when you are in the affair bubble you don’t see all these red flags 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 1 minute ago, Skyee said: True, it’s sad that when you are in the affair bubble you don’t see all these red flags Did you not see them, or you just didn’t want to accept them? Because, you laid them out pretty clearly in your post… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 Unfortunately, though you might not feel like it is unfortunate right now, he will likely be back in a few weeks. Once the dust has settled and once he figures out how to contact you without his wife knowing. They always find a way to take it further underground. But think about this in this silence... what have you gotten out of this relationship? Some good words? Some companionship but only at his convenience? There are men out there who will listen, who will love you, etc that aren't doing it as a manipulation. Yes he will treat you amazing while he is in the presence of you... because what he does when he is not around you, most women aren't up for. Know your worth girl. Find a man who can give it ALL to you. Not some guy who just gives you time/attention when his wife is away/busy/etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 6 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: Know your worth girl. Find a man who can give it ALL to you. Not some guy who just gives you time/attention when his wife is away/busy/etc. and drops you like nothing when his wife tells him to end it… 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted December 2, 2022 Share Posted December 2, 2022 Well hopefully you can learn from this experience. The longer you hang with someone, the stronger your feelings will get. At some point, you needed to stop seeing the MM as your rescuer, as the walking joy you had been missing in your life. You were in teenage thinking. Yes, that was a painful ending, but I have some news to you. Getting dumped is painful, excruciating so, whether you have 100 conversations afterwards or none. Why do you need to talk to him? For affirmation? You want to give that to yourself. He's actually doing you a favor by cutting things off abruptly. Otherwise, you would hang on and hang on and not move on. And you'd try to get together with him one more time. And if you do that, you'd try for a second time. And you'd send him messages that you miss him. You'd just continue the losing strategy of dating a MM. One of my best friends got abruptly cut off by a gf who wanted NO further conversations. Immediately, he was devasted. A few years later, he was like, "Oh, she saved me time." He lost little time fantasizing about reconciling. This is a great time to rebuild your life in a healthy way. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted December 3, 2022 Share Posted December 3, 2022 Understandably, you were vulnerable and needed support and he was right there. We are all human and need it. He was never going to leave and it sounds like you were OK with this arrangement for a very long time. Has he ever done this before and returned later? After 8 long years I don't think he is going to forget about you. After the dust settles at home, he may be back. His wife likely found out. I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. Counsellors can help you move through the grief process but it might feel easier for you to wait and hope he will return. 8 years is a long, long time. Are you interested in a long term relationship with a single guy? Someone who can be there for you daily? Or are you more comfortable with a part time situation, where you can have your own space most of the time? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 3, 2022 Share Posted December 3, 2022 32 minutes ago, Luna66star said: Or are you more comfortable with a part time situation, where you can have your own space most of the time? Fair to say that his wife has made it clear that she is NOT comfortable with a part-time situation… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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