How can I cultivate a deeper friendship with a few friendly acquaintances that are now long distance? Without coming across as creepy / making them uncomfortable.

[Lifeinpixels]

Hey All, 

So I am a []-year-old guy that just graduated from University a year ago, and also have mild asperger's syndrome. Because of my asperger's, I naturally make friends, view relationships and connections in a very different way compared to most people, and I do think many people find it very odd and strange. One major difference I have noticed is that the emotions and sentimentality that I place on friendships and just the people I love and admire is extremely high compared to most average American neurotypicals. In fact, my enthusiasm and value for the friendships with people that are very dear to me is probably comparable with the same enthusiasm / value that most neurotypicals would put on romantic relationships. Of course, no romantic feelings and anything more than a friendship, but what I have there is extremely important to me and sentimental. Here is even an explanation on how people on the spectrum see friendships: https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/why-an-autistic-person-may-push-for-a-closer-friendship-right-away/. Basically, people are extremely important to me, and while you can always make new friends, people cannot be replaced, and it'll never be with the same kind of person.

Anyways, a few months ago, I went through a supposed end to a friendship with someone that was extremely dear to my heart and I valued so much. This is a male-female relationship by the way, but strictly platonic and nothing more. She is [] older than me. Also, it was a little bit of a different kind of relationship because she was of higher social status than me, and I kind of looked up to her like a mentor in many ways, so it wasn't 100% of an equal relationship, but we saw each other as friends that we really enjoyed. By the way, we were not actually very close, and it was a new friendship that was developing. She and I only hung-out in person 3 times, plus many times in passing (no shared life experiences or regular seeing each other). We also texted pretty regularly and frequently as well. That being said, I think a better way to describe this relationship was close acquaintances / new friends that we'd like to get to know better, but we were not super close. She and I also had this boundary that we never hangout one on one, and she'd always tag one of her other friends along with her when we planned to get together, just to keep this strictly platonic. Just a background, I met this girl my senior year of college, and we'd see each other around and have great conversations from time to time and we spent some intentional time together twice. After I graduated and left, we stayed in touch, and later I came back to visit college for a week, and she and I spent some intentional time together then as well, and we continued to stay in touch afterwards. It's mainly a long distance relationship now, and I only really see her when I visit. [] By the way, let's call this girl Alyssa. 

Here is where the problems happened:

When I visited college, and Alyssa, one of her best friends, and me were spending time together, she was telling me that she is starting to talk to guy in terms of a possible romantic relationship. Another guy from that same college that graduated a while ago. I never met him before, but I was always well connected and relational on campus, and knew many many people as acquaintances, and therefore, I had a lot of mutual friends with this guy that she was starting to date. Let's call him Charlie. As soon as I heard the news, I was extremely excited, and bursted out, mainly because I always felt Alyssa was very cool and special and knew that whichever guy she dates eventually will also be extremely special. I gotta admit though, my first thought was like: "Oh new friend for me, maybe Charlie can be a very close friend of mine in the future." I really wanted to meet Charlie so bad. It seems that Charlie and I were somehow already connected on social media as Facebook friends, due to just mutual acquaintances / connections. Alyssa told me that Charlie is really sweet and friendly, but also is a little quiet and needs a period of time to really get to know someone, and can be slow to make friends and build trust. I asked Alyssa if I should reach out to Charlie on social media and if she could introduce me to him. She said she didn't feel comfortable introducing us because it wasn't official yet and they weren't quite serious at the time, but expected to be serious soon. She also looked at me weird out and was like: "NOOO, don't reach out to him." Within a week, after I finished my visit to college, Alyssa and Charlie were serious and boyfriend and girlfriend. 

A few days right after I went back home, I was texting Alyssa and asking more questions about Charlie, and she told me that she thinks I am really asking too much, and she would like to remain private about her new relationship. After they were officially boyfriend and girlfriend, I kind of got really excited and enthusiastic about Charlie, wanting to meet him, and befriend him, and she was feeling that my interest just got really out of control, especially since Alyssa and I don't even know each other super well, and we're only new friends. As soon as they were official, I commented on their Facebook post how I loved both of them to bits, and they were my favorite couple in the world, etc. Alyssa felt really weirded out by that because I never even met Charlie, but kind of brushed it off. By the way, throughout the whole friendship, there was some tension / confusion on how Alyssa and I saw the friendship and how close we were. She saw me as a close acquaintance / new friend that she'd like to get to know better. I saw it already as a lot more of an intimate friendship and a very close friendship, and I believe it's due to how I view connections and relationships differently due to being mildly autistic. I often called her things like "close friend" and "best friend" throughout the whole relationship. I think the whole thing really made Alyssa feel weirded out, and kind of uncomfortable. Alyssa also felt that my expectations for my relationship with her and a future close friendship with Charlie were unreasonable and kind of inappropriate for how well I actually knew her and not knowing him at all. So, following that incident, I often really started commenting and liking a lot of Charlie's social media posts, and wanted to message him so bad, but didn't because she told me not to.

Then I started reaching out to several mutual friends that Charlie and I had in common, and was asking them if they knew Charlie and could see Charlie and I being close friends, etc, and that I wanted to befriend him and have an intimate relationship with Charlie so bad. All of them told me he was very friendly and would love to get to know me, but does take time to really make friends. After a while, this started to get back to Alyssa & Charlie that I was asking around about him, and it made both of them feel uneasy because I was asking several people about Charlie before even meeting him. I personally didn't think there was anything wrong with it, but probably because I have asperger's, I didn't realize how weird this was. 

A few months later, I posted a general instagram story complaining about how I text friends and they do not respond in a very timely manner, and how it makes me upset and feel like I am not cared about. Alyssa saw that post and felt extremely targeted. She confronted me for it and knew that I didn't directly refer to her, but she seemed to fit the category I was describing and found it hard not to think that the post was partially about her. She later told me that that post really hurt her feelings and made her hesitant to talk to me. Alyssa told me that she feels I've put very high expectations on her friendship that she cannot meet, and that she's now concerned that if she fails to meet them, I'll get upset and address it publicly. I apologized and she forgave me, but I think she lost some trust for me after that and it made her feel uneasy about the whole friendship. Following that interaction with Alyssa, Charlie hid his instagram stories from me. Not sure why exactly. 

About a month later, I noticed things seemed off with Alyssa and asked if there's anything wrong with the friendship. She told me a number of things: First of all, throughout the friendship, it's felt to her like she's been more of a mentor than a friend, and while she values that I appreciate her wisdom, she didn't mean for the relationship to be built of that and to be that kind of relationship. She reminded me that we've only hung-out a few times, and I call her things like "close friend", "best friend", etc, and how she just doesn't think that's appropriate due to how well we actually know each other. She pointed out to me that she thinks I tend to view friendships more closely and intimately than other people which cause me to put close friend expectations on relationships that should actually be new friend / close acquaintance expectations. Alyssa told me that that social media post and the interactions about it pushed her away and made her feel uneasy about the friendship. And then, also she confronted me for asking around about Charlie, and feels that my interest in their relationship is extremely high which she doesn't think is appropriate considering I don't know them very well. It made both Alyssa and Charlie uneasy because they think my interest in them and being close friends was getting completely out of control. After all that, she admitted that she doesn't feel very comfortable in the relationship, and would feel more comfortable to be cordial acquaintances at this point. She feels I am trying just way too hard to be close to her and Charlie and it's feeling forced and unnatural, and how friendships should happen naturally overtime and not come with expectations. And she mentioned that she wouldn't want to lead me on to think that she can be my very close friend if she ain't gonna follow through with it, and that she cannot give me the kind of time and investment that I deserve because she already has her best friends, family, and Charlie that she needs to prioritize like that. 

I think that social media post pretty much did it for Alyssa. I think she knew that I had higher expectations for a long time, but that post made her lose trust and I think made her feel that the relationship cannot work because I just want a lot more than she can really give, and it's really unhealthy. 

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All that being said, I gotta say, I was extremely hurt by all this. Do you have any idea why Alyssa and Charlie might've started to feel so uneasy about everything? I'm having a hard time understanding why they just couldn't explain that to me and set boundaries. If any of you were Alyssa in that situation, would that make you uncomfortable? 

Anyways, I really like Alyssa so much, and hope I can meet Charlie at some point, but I have really lowered my expectations a lot regarding that relationship, and losing it made me feel that I should've been as lot more appreciative of the relationship I had with Alyssa, and not have tried so hard to push for a very close and intimate friendship with her and Charlie. I do think that some of my actions might've made Alyssa not feel very cared for, and perhaps she and her boyfriend just felt suffocated in the relationship. 

I am extremely devastated about this, and I was wondering if you have any advice on how I might be able to go about patching up this relationship and hopefully making it a lot more healthy so Alyssa and MAYBE Charlie could feel more comfortable. So far, I went No Contact for 6 months. We still have each other on social media, etc, but don't text at the moment. 

Edited September 25, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

 

6 hours ago, Kidzrock said:

I was wondering if you have any advice on how I might be able to go about patching up this relationship and hopefully making it a lot more healthy so Alyssa and MAYBE Charlie could feel more comfortable. So far, I went No Contact for 6 months. We still have each other on social media, etc, but don't text at the moment. 

I thiink it's best that you leave them alone until or if she reaches out to you.  I think if you reach out to her she will be lerry to get involved and for good reason.  Can I ask why you were so obsessed with getting to know her boyfriend Charlie when you had never even met him?  That would scare me too if a friend of mine came on that strong about getting to know my date.

[ShyViolet]

The way you behaved was completely inappropriate.  I understand that you are autistic and that is probably the reason that you didn't seem to understand how to navigate this situation in a socially acceptable way.  Alyssa is a person who you were acquaintances with, you weren't close friends.  You clearly acknowledge that multiple times in your post.  Yet you acted  obsessed with her.  You crossed a lot of boundaries.  

Once she told you that she was starting to date Charlie, you became weirdly obsessed with him also, and the things you did were enough to make anyone feel that you were being creepy.  It was completely inappropriate (sorry to keep using that word, but I'm not sure what other word to use) to keep saying over and over that you wanted to be friends with him, to keep asking her invasive questions about him, and to ask other people about him.  Most people would end a friendship with you over this.  This is behavior that will make people think you are creepy and will push potential friends away.

6 hours ago, Kidzrock said:

She reminded me that we've only hung-out a few times, and I call her things like "close friend", "best friend", etc, and how she just doesn't think that's appropriate due to how well we actually know each other. She pointed out to me that she thinks I tend to view friendships more closely and intimately than other people which cause me to put close friend expectations on relationships that should actually be new friend / close acquaintance expectations. Alyssa told me that that social media post and the interactions about it pushed her away and made her feel uneasy about the friendship. And then, also she confronted me for asking around about Charlie, and feels that my interest in their relationship is extremely high which she doesn't think is appropriate considering I don't know them very well. It made both Alyssa and Charlie uneasy because they think my interest in them and being close friends was getting completely out of control. After all that, she admitted that she doesn't feel very comfortable in the relationship, and would feel more comfortable to be cordial acquaintances at this point. She feels I am trying just way too hard to be close to her and Charlie and it's feeling forced and unnatural, and how friendships should happen naturally overtime and not come with expectations.

THIS right here, this is exactly what the problem was, in your own words.  So you do seem to know exactly what you did that was inappropriate.  But do you truly understand WHY it was wrong?  

6 hours ago, Kidzrock said:

I am extremely devastated about this, and I was wondering if you have any advice on how I might be able to go about patching up this relationship and hopefully making it a lot more healthy so Alyssa and MAYBE Charlie could feel more comfortable.

I do not think there is any "patching up" this relationship.  I think after all you have done, you need to leave them alone.  If Alyssa wants to be friends with you again, she will contact you.  You have a lot of difficulties with your social skills and knowing what is socially acceptable behavior.  What therapies are you getting to help with that?

[Lifeinpixels]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

 

I thiink it's best that you leave them alone until or if she reaches out to you.  I think if you reach out to her she will be lerry to get involved and for good reason.  Can I ask why you were so obsessed with getting to know her boyfriend Charlie when you had never even met him?  That would scare me too if a friend of mine came on that strong about getting to know my date.

Good question. As someone with asperger's, I have always naturally struggled to make friends due to me not being the best at social skills and norms, and people thinking I am weird. Girls have often been a lot more accepting and went that extra mile with me, but its been hard for me to make good guy friends. I love my friendships with girls, but as a guy, I want guy friends as well. Generally, most of my good guy friends have actually happened through my girl friends that introduced me to their boyfriends and told them about me. I haven't been successful at making any guy friends in other ways, because they generally just think I'm weird and different, etc. 

Anyways, because I really love Alyssa so much and think she is really cool, I kind of knew that whoever she dates would be a very special and cool guy. First of all, I wanted more guy friends and thought he'd be a great fit for me. Second of all, because male-female relationships are tricky sometimes when they're in a relationship, I technically like to get to know and befriend a girl's boyfriend as well just to be respectful of their relationship, and make it known that I am including their boyfriends and am not trying to hide anything or look like I am romantically interested in the girl. In my head, I was even thinking of me and Charlie possibly hanging out 1 on 1 in the future after I get to know him. Does that make sense? 

I am curious, why exactly would it scare you? I just want to better understand. 

[Lifeinpixels]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

The way you behaved was completely inappropriate.  I understand that you are autistic and that is probably the reason that you didn't seem to understand how to navigate this situation in a socially acceptable way.  Alyssa is a person who you were acquaintances with, you weren't close friends.  You clearly acknowledge that multiple times in your post.  Yet you acted  obsessed with her.  You crossed a lot of boundaries.  

Once she told you that she was starting to date Charlie, you became weirdly obsessed with him also, and the things you did were enough to make anyone feel that you were being creepy.  It was completely inappropriate (sorry to keep using that word, but I'm not sure what other word to use) to keep saying over and over that you wanted to be friends with him, to keep asking her invasive questions about him, and to ask other people about him.  Most people would end a friendship with you over this.  This is behavior that will make people think you are creepy and will push potential friends away.

THIS right here, this is exactly what the problem was, in your own words.  So you do seem to know exactly what you did that was inappropriate.  But do you truly understand WHY it was wrong?  

I do not think there is any "patching up" this relationship.  I think after all you have done, you need to leave them alone.  If Alyssa wants to be friends with you again, she will contact you.  You have a lot of difficulties with your social skills and knowing what is socially acceptable behavior.  What therapies are you getting to help with that?

Exactly, because I am autistic, I didn't really know how to navigate the situation in an appropriate manner. Can I ask what would've been a more appropriate way to handle this whole thing? 

Also, what boundaries did I cross besides me just being too interested in a friendship with her boyfriend, Charlie? 

As soon as she told me that I was asking her a little too many questions about Charlie, I stopped. However, I did ask others about him, and maybe that was what was inappropriate? 

I do definitely know that what I did was inappropriate NOW, but I was shocked when she told me all that, because I didn't even realize it was inappropriate, and what I was doing was wrong. That's what I do not understand, WHY was it wrong? Can you maybe explain this better? 

I am not trying to make excuses, but I just feel it is unfair that Alyssa didn't appear at least to give me a chance to explain my side of the story and tell her why I did that. I feel like I was at a huge disadvantage due to being autistic, and I didn't know what I did was inappropriate. 

Edited September 22, 2022 by Kidzrock

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Kidzrock said:

I am curious, why exactly would it scare you? I just want to better understand. 

Because it's too much.  Alyssa is an acquaintance and not a close friend.  It's scary because you two aren't that close so why would you go through all of that to get to know her bf.  I might understand better, and so would she, if you two were at least close friends.  It comes off as needy and weird.  I suggest you make friends with men on your own the same as you do with women and not try to make male friends on the coattails of women.

Edited September 22, 2022 by stillafool

[Lifeinpixels]

Just now, stillafool said:

Because it's too much.  Alyssa is an acquaintance and not a close friend.  It's scary because you two aren't that close so why would you go through all of that to get to know her bf.  I might understand better, and so would she, if you two were at least close friends.  It comes off as needy and weird.  I suggest you make friends with men the same as you do with women and not try to make male friends on the coattails of women.

I tried that but it doesn't seem to work so well with men. Also, the way I saw it, I did see Alyssa as a much closer friend, due to me seeing connections differently because of autism. I actually didn't acknowledge that we were only new friends / acquaintances until she really pointed it out to me. Like I said, I often called her a close friend and best friend multiple times until she admitted that it made her feel weird, which she never did until those texts that she was confronting me with. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Kidzrock said:

I tried that but it doesn't seem to work so well with men.

How did you make your other male friends?  If they were made through close female friends I would suggest you hold onto those friendships and nurture them so you'll have male friends.  Make other male friends through those male friends not through women.

[ShyViolet]

43 minutes ago, Kidzrock said:

Exactly, because I am autistic, I didn't really know how to navigate the situation in an appropriate manner. Can I ask what would've been a more appropriate way to handle this whole thing? 

When Alyssa told you she was dating Charlie, you should not have said you wanted to become friends with him and pushed the issue.  The normal thing to do would have been not to say anything about it, just leave it alone.  Let Alyssa introduce him to you if she chooses to, and meet him only if an opportunity arises naturally.  But to constantly say that you want to be friends with him before ever having hung out with him, and to ask a bunch of other people questions about him, was just invasive and excessive.  That's not the way to become friends with someone.  

The way you were acting was almost like if you had gone on one date with a girl, and then proceeded to go around saying that you want to move in with her and marry her.  It's premature and just too much.  Any emotionally healthy person would run in the opposite direction, because it's not appropriate to the situation.  You can't force relationships like that.  They either develop naturally, or not.

[Lifeinpixels]

26 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

When Alyssa told you she was dating Charlie, you should not have said you wanted to become friends with him and pushed the issue.  The normal thing to do would have been not to say anything about it, just leave it alone.  Let Alyssa introduce him to you if she chooses to, and meet him only if an opportunity arises naturally.  But to constantly say that you want to be friends with him before ever having hung out with him, and to ask a bunch of other people questions about him, was just invasive and excessive.  That's not the way to become friends with someone.  

The way you were acting was almost like if you had gone on one date with a girl, and then proceeded to go around saying that you want to move in with her and marry her.  It's premature and just too much.  Any emotionally healthy person would run in the opposite direction, because it's not appropriate to the situation.  You can't force relationships like that.  They either develop naturally, or not.

Thanks for the tip. It definitely makes a lot more sense to me now after using the analogy with dating / romantic relationships. LOL, I would definitely be freaked out if a girl that I went on 1-2 dates with said she wanted to marry me. I probably wouldn't run away the opposite direction just yet, but I'd be on guard and watch her very closely on the next stages of the relationship, and try and figure out why she said that. 

[Lifeinpixels]

Here is one thing I’m actually doing that I’m hoping might help Alyssa grow a desire for being friends with me again, but even if it doesn’t, that’s fine.

During my colleges years, I’ve had a few in passing interactions with one day Alyssa’s best friends. We’ll call her Meredith. I didn’t actually meet Meredith via Alyssa and more so I met her at a few meetings regarding college housing leadership, and we’ve had a few brief interactions. Meredith is strictly only an acquaintance, and she and I have not hung-out ever intentionally before.

However, Meredith has always been someone that I’ve had a desire to get to know better, and she and I have actually been texting a little on social media for the past year. Since the Alyssa incident though, I really started to be intentional in stepping up the texting with Meredith and get more personal bit by bit. Again, I’m taking it slow because I don’t want to scare Meredith. She’s already married by the way. I’m visiting college again next week, and I’ve already set up a time that I’ll get together with Meredith and her husband for dinner and dessert one evening just to get to know them better and slowly build a friendship.

Now I didn’t tell Meredith what happened with Alyssa, but I’ve told her over text about how boundaries can be hard and I’ve made mistakes in pushing too hard for close friendships quickly and pushing people away, mainly just so Meredith can be on guard and if she senses any of those mistakes from me, she’ll immediately let me know.

Meredith is really special and cool, and I’m hoping the friendship grows regardless. However, as I see and talk to Meredith more often, I plan to post social media pictures and hopefully attract Alyssa’s intention and show her that one of her best friends has kind of taken her place in my life. I’m hoping that might make Alyssa want me back as a friend again eventually. 

I feel this is kind of a great idea, because I’m not really using Meredith because I want her as a friend regardless, but even more so now since I’ve lost a friend in Alyssa. And also it’s very indirect and I’m not really reaching out to Alyssa in anyway and hoping I’ll just attract her attention by getting closer to her best friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, Kidzrock said:

I feel this is kind of a great idea

No, this is not a good plan. It's pretty terrible, actually. 

Meredith is not your pawn to get Alyssa back in your life. That's not a nice way to treat someone. It's manipulative and deceptive, and shows you have not really listened to Alyssa when you told you to back off. The only place this will lead is having both Meredith and Alyssa cut you off, and possibly in legal hot water if you continue to bother Alyssa and try to insert yourself into her life. 

I would implore you to get some professional guidance here. You are behaving in ways that make others very uncomfortable and could use a lot of help in improving your social skills and learning about appropriate boundaries. Leave all of these people alone, and instead seek out the right professional support. 

Edited September 23, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

It probably important to differentiate between friends and dating. You seem to get crushes and then want to be friends but try to cross that line too much.

It's fine to have all sorts of friends, but if you are interested in a woman, it's better to date than to pretend you just want to be friendly.

This is a common problem and not specific to you or any condition.  Sometimes shy guys try to slide from the friendzone into another position, but that often leads to disappoint.

If you like a woman, ask them out.

[Lifeinpixels]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, this is not a good plan. It's pretty terrible, actually. 

Meredith is not your pawn to get Alyssa back in your life. That's not a nice way to treat someone. It's manipulative and deceptive, and shows you have not really listened to Alyssa when you told you to back off. The only place this will lead is having both Meredith and Alyssa cut you off, and possibly in legal hot water if you continue to bother Alyssa and try to insert yourself into her life. 

I would implore you to get some professional guidance here. You are behaving in ways that make others very uncomfortable and could use a lot of help in improving your social skills and learning about appropriate boundaries. Leave all of these people alone, and instead seek out the right professional support. 

It’s still backing off because what I’m saying is it could get Alyssa back or it couldn’t. I won’t try and contact Alyssa or even talk about her at all. If it doesn’t happen then no problem. I still would like to be friends with Meredith. I think that’s leaving her alone as long as I don’t contact Alyssa unless she initiates it.

Meredith seems to enjoy chatting with me and already made plans to get together. Why would it be uncomfortable for Meredith? I’m not going to push it and let it develop slowly with her. I won’t make the same mistake.

When someone tells me to leave them alone, it means them. Not their friends. And plus, I have my own relationship with Meredith and didn’t meet her through Alyssa.

Also, even if none of this happened with Alyssa, I would’ve still done it with Meredith because I have personal desire to get to know her and her husband better as friends. 

Edited September 23, 2022 by Kidzrock

[Lifeinpixels]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It probably important to differentiate between friends and dating. You seem to get crushes and then want to be friends but try to cross that line too much.

It's fine to have all sorts of friends, but if you are interested in a woman, it's better to date than to pretend you just want to be friendly.

This is a common problem and not specific to you or any condition.  Sometimes shy guys try to slide from the friendzone into another position, but that often leads to disappoint.

If you like a woman, ask them out.

Wait What??? I was never trying to date any of those women. Just want a close friendship with them.

But when I say I want to be friends with them, I mean “FRIENDS” and NOT acquaintances. Does that make sense?

Edited September 23, 2022 by Kidzrock

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Kidzrock said:

 was never trying to date any of those women. Just want a close friendship with them.

But when I say I want to be friends with them, I mean “FRIENDS” and NOT acquaintances.

Ok, then hang out with them but in a manner where they don't feel it's too much.

[Lifeinpixels]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, then hang out with them but in a manner where they don't feel it's too much.

Sure! But the problem is because I have autism, I cannot always know what is too much and what isn’t. If I knew that all I did with Alyssa was inappropriate, I would’ve never done it. 

[stillafool]

I advise you to leave Alyssa alone.  She has no desire to be your friend.  If you are friendly with Meredith and she and her husband want to have dinner with you and develop a friendship then fine; but don't use her to get Alyssa back as your friend.  Maybe Meredith's husband will like you enough to develop a friendship.  Again, leave Alyssa and Charlie alone, that ship has sailed.

[Lifeinpixels]

34 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I advise you to leave Alyssa alone.  She has no desire to be your friend.  If you are friendly with Meredith and she and her husband want to have dinner with you and develop a friendship then fine; but don't use her to get Alyssa back as your friend.  Maybe Meredith's husband will like you enough to develop a friendship.  Again, leave Alyssa and Charlie alone, that ship has sailed.

Well if that’s the case, I’m going to have to return every gift that Alyssa gave me in the past and pay back the $$ that she has spent on me in the past. It’s not a lot, but I’m sorry I cannot keep that if there’s no future friendship with Alyssa.

Maybe I’ll even give all that back to one of her friends and they can pass it on to her so she doesn’t need to see me. Although Alyssa did say we’re cordial acquaintances. Not sure what that means 100%, my guess is on friendly terms.

Should I completely burn the bridge with Alyssa and Charlie, remove them on social media, return everything Alyssa gave me as a gift, and any pictures I have with Alyssa on social media, I just erase her face through photoshop and repost the pictures with me, other friends and Alyssa completely covered in white blank space and nowhere to be seen? 

If the bridge is completely burnt, I’ll have to do all those things. What do you think?

[Lifeinpixels]

52 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I advise you to leave Alyssa alone.  She has no desire to be your friend.  If you are friendly with Meredith and she and her husband want to have dinner with you and develop a friendship then fine; but don't use her to get Alyssa back as your friend.  Maybe Meredith's husband will like you enough to develop a friendship.  Again, leave Alyssa and Charlie alone, that ship has sailed.

Also, this is the other thing. Charlie is the leader of the setup team at the church I have always attended when I was in college and I always attend there when I visit as well. Usually I attend the later service, but I’m thinking maybe I could ask another friend of mine to come with him to the early service and help setup. Charlie is the leader of that. Again though, Charlie and Alyssa might see through that. 

Also for a matter of fact, Alyssa made it clear that she can’t commit to following through with the kind of intimate friendship that I desire right now, but she never said that Charlie can’t. In fact, since I’ve never met Charlie and it’s been 6 months, I have a feeling there might even be a chance that Charlie completely forgot about that situation and might not even remember me. Do you think there’s any chance of that?

Alyssa would remember me for sure, but Charlie maybe not so much. He only knew about me through Alyssa.

Edited September 23, 2022 by Kidzrock

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, Kidzrock said:

Maybe I’ll even give all that back to one of her friends and they can pass it on to her so she doesn’t need to see me. Although Alyssa did say we’re cordial acquaintances. Not sure what that means 100%, my guess is on friendly terms.

I see you like to take things to the extreme so if this makes you feel better go ahead and give back her gifts and money to a friend to pass on to her.

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, Kidzrock said:

Also, this is the other thing. Charlie is the leader of the setup team at the church I have always attended when I was in college and I always attend there when I visit as well.

If this is the case you already knew Charlie so why didn't you try to make friends with him when you attended the church instead of using Alyssa to do it?

[Lifeinpixels]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If this is the case you already knew Charlie so why didn't you try to make friends with him when you attended the church instead of using Alyssa to do it?

No I didn't know Charlie. The church was big, and he was just a stranger and we never met. He always went to the earlier service and I went to the later one. We never crossed paths at all. Also, I found out this information after Alyssa told me about him. Before she mentioned him, I have never even heard the name before besides just coming across it on Facebook. If I knew Charlie, I would've just gotten to know him better on the spot. And remember, it is a long distance relationship now, and I don't attend that church on a regular basis unless I go back to college to visit. 

Edited September 23, 2022 by Kidzrock

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Kidzrock said:

No I didn't know Charlie. The church was big, and he was just a stranger and we never met. He always went to the earlier service and I went to the later one. We never crossed paths at all. 

Well since you've never crossed paths with him before it's doubtful you will cross paths when you go back to the church if you continue to go to the latter service.  It will be easy to not see him.

[Lifeinpixels]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well since you've never crossed paths with him before it's doubtful you will cross paths when you go back to the church if you continue to go to the latter service.  It will be easy to not see him.

No, I mean when I go back, I’ll go to the earlier service instead and help setup so I can cross paths with him? Understand?