How can I cultivate a deeper friendship with a few friendly acquaintances that are now long distance? Without coming across as creepy / making them uncomfortable.

[Lifeinpixels]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

That is ok. I understand all of this has the capacity to be anxiety-inducing but take a long step back. You do have a history of investing a great deal in people you don’t know well (in efforts to call them friends or get to know them better). That is your pattern of doing things. Change. Press pause, observe what Faith is doing as she is doing exactly this. She needs time to think. You may do the same. Don’t respond to the same need or anxious desire to repair this. No need for that. Just step back and come back to this later. If you’re not feeling it and decide not to pursue Faith, you also reserve that right. 

Frankly I am not too sure why you’d want to pursue a woman in contact with someone else as unhinged and over the top as Alyssa. Start dating outside of this pool.

Well I've already started giving Faith the space she needs. 

Just to clarify Faith and Alyssa are NOT best friends. They are caring and friendly with each other and they worked together, but they do not talk all the time. I actually had a desire to pursue Faith before I even met Alyssa, but just never found a way to do it until these days. Is Alyssa unhinged like that? I wouldn't say so.

[glows]

Just now, Lifeinpixels said:

Well I've already started giving Faith the space she needs. 

Just to clarify Faith and Alyssa are NOT best friends. They are caring and friendly with each other and they worked together, but they do not talk all the time. I actually had a desire to pursue Faith before I even met Alyssa, but just never found a way to do it until these days. Is Alyssa unhinged like that? I wouldn't say so.

They’re in contact with one another and one spoke ill of you to the other. I’m starting to get the idea that you are drawn to this drama. Step back. 

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, Lifeinpixels said:

I really hope I don't lose Faith over this.

If she's really the right person for you, you won't. For you to have a really good relationship with her, she needs to understand you and accept who you are. If she's to be your GF, she'll eventually see your approach to things. Although Alyssa probably made things worse, since Faith is bound to learn about this anyway, if she really has some big problem with it, then it's likely she would leave over it eventually anyhow.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint and there will be other girls.

[smackie9]

She gave you 3 weeks specifically...that could mean she has someone else on the back burner, like a long distance BF/acquaintance. You know a toss up between you two, or possibly taking on a new job that requires her to move away, or she is hoping the 3 weeks will give you enough time to get the hint to give up and move on. Me personally wouldn't hold my breath and seek out others.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Lifeinpixels said:

I know Faith and I were not officially dating yet and it was only casually.

It doesn't appear you were dating at all, OP.  

2 hours ago, Lifeinpixels said:

do you think this is a justified reason for her to call things off?

Yes. 

2 hours ago, Lifeinpixels said:

Because many people were saying here that Alyssa is a drama queen and was meddling in places she had no business to be.

I imagine because they haven't read your previous thread about her. 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Lifeinpixels said:

Honestly the other person can still choose whether they want to befriend me or not. Some people just said they didn't seem interested or not directly, but hinted that and I just left it at that and moved on. 

I know it's out of the ordinary and I know that people sometimes feel weird when they see something out of the ordinary. I've admitted it to some friends after getting closer and they laughed, but it's not something I'd tell them right when I meet them.

To be honest, you can't really know someone's personality from social media at all. I don't really adjust my behavior around them at all and just be myself. Yes, I am on guard at first, but isn't everyone on guard with people they don't know well at first and they let their guard down as they get to know each other better? That's pretty normal as far as I know. You allow your friends to meet the real you overtime bit by bit. 

It's possible those folks would've liked me, but how would I have met them though? Most people don't seem to have a desire to befriend someone that they don't know or don't see much anyways, regardless of whether they like me or not.

If I was the target of that situation, it wouldn't make me uncomfortable. I mean if someone really wanted to befriend me, and I felt they were a great person, I'd likely go out of my way to do it and reciprocate the feelings as long as I felt they were a great person overall. 

If I am being honest, when Alyssa set that boundary, I thought she meant just don't reach out to him or ask her about him without even knowing him, but I am not sure if you can set a boundary to tell someone: "Do not meet this person". I mean that's ridiculous. You meet people all the time. 

You don't really respect other folks' choices, though, do you? In that other thread, where you said you could let go of Alyssa & Charlie, but it'd have to be on the condition that you'd gossip about him, spread the word that his behavior toward you was unChristian, and maybe get him fired, what on earth was that? Why on earth would you be cruel and vengeful towards people who chose not to be friends with you if you were genuinely okay with them chosing what made them comfortable? 

My feeling is that you don't characterize what you are doing to these people accurately at all. So if your description of your actions is inaccurate, then maybe your description of your motivations is inaccurate too. 

I may be wrong, but I'm getting the impression that you did indeed understand when Alyssa set that boundary. You just didn't want to respect it, so you looked for a loophole that would technically allow you to do what you wanted.

Edited October 9, 2022 by Acacia98

[LynneVicious]

Op how do you feel about Alyssa poking into your personal life and taking note of your patterns and steps to form relationships?

[Lifeinpixels]

6 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Op how do you feel about Alyssa poking into your personal life and taking note of your patterns and steps to form relationships?

Honestly just taking note like that in itself does not bother me. But what makes me upset is that she is causing me problems rather than actually trying to understand me better. I feel she's kind of meddling a little bit. 

[LynneVicious]

41 minutes ago, Lifeinpixels said:

Honestly just taking note like that in itself does not bother me. But what makes me upset is that she is causing me problems rather than actually trying to understand me better. I feel she's kind of meddling a little bit. 

But she is only telling the truth about what you do. If you’re upset that she’s exposing you for who you are through your own actions, imagine how your ‘victims’ feel about being manipulated into relationships. 

You need professional help and you need it immediately. I understand the autism prevents you from picking up social cues and understanding personal relationships, however your behavior goes beyond that to include revenge against the people who won’t become your friends in the form of gossiping and firing. 

Your ideas and designs are dangerous. Instead of seeking friendships at all, get help and concentrate on yourself to get mentally healthy. So you can understand the difference between needing friends and attaining them in unethical and manipulative ways to being healthy enough to understand that your behavior is wrong and you will get friends when you are healthy and stable enough to make friends naturally. 

[Lifeinpixels]

9 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You don't really respect other folks' choices, though, do you? In that other thread, where you said you could let go of Alyssa & Charlie, but it'd have to be on the condition that you'd gossip about him, spread the word that his behavior toward you was unChristian, and maybe get him fired, what on earth was that? Why on earth would you be cruel and vengeful towards people who chose not to be friends with you if you were genuinely okay with them chosing what made them comfortable? 

My feeling is that you don't characterize what you are doing to these people accurately at all. So if your description of your actions is inaccurate, then maybe your description of your motivations is inaccurate too. 

I may be wrong, but I'm getting the impression that you did indeed understand when Alyssa set that boundary. You just didn't want to respect it, so you looked for a loophole that would technically allow you to do what you wanted.

It's ok to choose not to be someone's friend in the first place. But what is not ok is to lead them on and be their friend and then suddenly ghost them and cut them off without any explanation. THAT is what I do not tolerate. I just have no respect for people that will play this game and be friends and then suddenly cut them off without at least giving them a chance to stop what is bothering them.

In all honesty, I really did not understand what Alyssa meant by setting that boundary. If I knew for sure I wouldn't have found a loophole. I didn't know she didn't want me to meet him, I thought she just didn't want me to fish for information about their relationship, which I did not actually do. I think she thought I did that, but it wasn't my intention or what I was actually doing. I didn't mention this in my other post, but I was a little insecure and concerned about how Charlie would feel about me being friends with Alyssa because of guy-girl friendships, etc.  I really wanted to Charlie to like me, and approve of me. I was afraid I might lose a friendship with Alyssa otherwise. However, I let my insecurity get the better out of me. I should've had more trust in Alyssa and Charlie. 

The thing is though I said that I would gossip because I felt wronged and unfairly treated. She didn't just choose not to be friends in the beginning. If she did that nothing would've happened. 

Edited October 10, 2022 by Lifeinpixels

[Lifeinpixels]

5 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

But she is only telling the truth about what you do. If you’re upset that she’s exposing you for who you are through your own actions, imagine how your ‘victims’ feel about being manipulated into relationships. 

You need professional help and you need it immediately. I understand the autism prevents you from picking up social cues and understanding personal relationships, however your behavior goes beyond that to include revenge against the people who won’t become your friends in the form of gossiping and firing. 

Your ideas and designs are dangerous. Instead of seeking friendships at all, get help and concentrate on yourself to get mentally healthy. So you can understand the difference between needing friends and attaining them in unethical and manipulative ways to being healthy enough to understand that your behavior is wrong and you will get friends when you are healthy and stable enough to make friends naturally. 

It's ok for Alyssa to tell people what I did, but the issue I have is that she is using it against me. Why not just explain what I did and why I actually did it. I didn't mean any harm and just want to pursue friendships with specific people. I don't understand what is so wrong about that. 

Just to be clear, I do not look for revenge against people who choose not to be my friends. Did your read that whole other post? What makes me upset is when people are my friends in the beginning and then suddenly cut me of and ghost me without any chance to improve what is bothering them. That is totally unacceptable in my opinion, and makes me extremely upset. 

I DEMAND JUSTICE AND FAIR TREATMENT. That's all!

As for Faith, I'd be very disappointed if she calls things off, but I did go in with the expectation that it either works or doesn't and dating relationships are different, so if she calls things off, I know it's just that she isn't interested in dating and that is ok. 

Edited October 10, 2022 by Lifeinpixels

[LynneVicious]

1 hour ago, Lifeinpixels said:

What makes me upset is when people are my friends in the beginning and then suddenly cut me of and ghost m

That is 100% their prerogative and if there is a habit in the history of your relationships of this happening, I again suggest you look within yourself rather than demanding justice. 

Really now. Humans are given free will at birth, and you cannot possibly be that surprised when the TRUTH of how you attained your friendships are exposed, and your ‘friends’ choose not to be your friend anymore. 

Honestly, they probably feel safer just cutting you off and ghosting you rather than explain their reasons why. That’s the chance you take when you play the game you’re playing. You win some, you lose some.  

[Lifeinpixels]

10 minutes ago, S2B said:

It seems odd that you believe you had a relationship with faith and hen you basically takes to her in the phone a few times.

your attachment  style seems out of the ordinary.

talking to someone on the phone is NOT dating!

your behavior was definitely inappropriate with Alyssa and the fact that she told her friend Faith is within reason.

Learn to respect people! Boundaries! AND decisions by Faith and Alyssa! 
 

life isn’t fair! Don’t expect it to be! Move on. Both friendships are over now.

I DEMAND JUSTICE. If you think it is in reason for Alyssa to tell Faith her concerns, why is it not in reason for me to tell Alyssa's boss my concerns? 

If those people want me to respect them, they should learn to respect me. 

Edited October 10, 2022 by Lifeinpixels

[Lifeinpixels]

18 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Honestly, they probably feel safer just cutting you off and ghosting you rather than explain their reasons why. That’s the chance you take when you play the game you’re playing. You win some, you lose some.  

And ghosting me is doing it at their own risk. They take that risk without knowing that there are consequences. 

Are you basically trying to say that I shouldn't be making friends that way? 

Edited October 10, 2022 by Lifeinpixels

[Lifeinpixels]

7 minutes ago, S2B said:

when someone doesn’t want to be your friend anymore - accept it and move forward! 

Not without revenge. When I am friends with someone, I prepare in case of any unfair end to a friendship. Usually I have personal info about them that they have shared with me during the friendship. If they end that friendship, I use all the info I have about them against them. They break my trust, I break their trust. It is that simple. If you're my friend, I will keep your info confidential, and to myself as a trustworthy person. You break my trust and unfairly end a friendship with me, then all the info you have shared with me I will use against you. That is my boundary for friendships. 

And I can confirm that I have quite a bit of information about Alyssa that I will happily use against her if she ends that friendship completely. 

Edited October 10, 2022 by Lifeinpixels

[Lifeinpixels]

28 minutes ago, S2B said:

It seems odd that you believe you had a relationship with faith and hen you basically takes to her in the phone a few times.

your attachment  style seems out of the ordinary.

talking to someone on the phone is NOT dating!

It depends what your definition of dating is. I mean it can be a broad term. We definitely were not officially dating, but we were seeing each other if that makes any sense. And we didn't just talk on the phone, we hung out in person a few times like I said. She knows my feelings for her, I already confessed that. And anyways if she breaks up, I'll be really bummed, but I will respect her decision. I think with Faith, everything was done fairly, even if she ends things. In romantic relationships, you go in with the expectation that it might not work out, and if it doesn't it is what it is. I had the expectation that it might not work with Faith, and if it doesn't, I'll be upset, but I'll wish her well and move on. Nothing was unfair with Faith. 

[mark clemson]

30 minutes ago, Lifeinpixels said:

I DEMAND JUSTICE. If you think it is in reason for Alyssa to tell Faith her concerns, why is it not in reason for me to tell Alyssa's boss my concerns? 

If those people want me to respect them, they should learn to respect me.

You have a point. HOWEVER, there is no reason to take things to extremes. Putting her job at risk is not "justice," it is retaliation.

It's true that making friends only with those you randomly encounter and manage to start a conversation with is "low tech" if you are trying to build a social network. In fact professional adults "network" in a more targeted manner as well. So in a way you are ahead of your peer group apparently.

HOWEVER, in networking situations BOTH PARTIES know the purpose of the interaction. As you can see both from real life reactions and some of the reactions you are getting here, some people simply don't respond well to what they perceive as "engineering" when they are not told about it.

 

30 minutes ago, Lifeinpixels said:

And I can confirm that I have quite a bit of information about Alyssa that I will happily use against her if she ends that friendship completely. 

Think about this:  You aren't going to KEEP many of those friends you worked so hard for if you go around retaliating against them for real or perceived slights and/or over relatively trivial matters (in the larger scheme of life) such as ending a friendship. People talk to each other about other people (as Alyssa has done) and word gets around - so instead, you will end up with no one trusting you. This is a losing and self-defeating game you have started to play.

You win some, you lose some in life. I suggest you just let it slide.

Edited October 10, 2022 by mark clemson

[Lifeinpixels]

21 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You have a point. HOWEVER, there is no reason to take things to extremes. Putting her job at risk is not "justice," it is retaliation.

It's true that making friends only with those you randomly encounter and manage to start a conversation with is "low tech" if you are trying to build a social network. In fact professional adults "network" in a more targeted manner as well. So in a way you are ahead of your peer group apparently.

HOWEVER, in networking situations BOTH PARTIES know the purpose of the interaction. As you can see both from real life reactions and some of the reactions you are getting here, some people simply don't respond well to what they perceive as "engineering" when they are not told about it.

 

Think about this:  You aren't going to KEEP many of those friends you worked so hard for if you go around retaliating against them for real or perceived slights and/or over relatively trivial matters (in the larger scheme of life) such as ending a friendship. People talk to each other about other people (as Alyssa has done) and word gets around - so instead, you will end up with no one trusting you. This is a losing and self-defeating game you have started to play.

You win some, you lose some in life. I suggest you just let it slide.

Thanks Man! As with the friendship with Alyssa, it might not be over. I haven’t done anything yet. I’ll think about it and perhaps let it slide. 

I like your advice by maybe just being honest in the future and letting these people I target know my desire in the first place so they know exactly what I’m up to and my intentions as well! Maybe that’s more fair to them! 

[mark clemson]

That's indeed fairer. You don't have to make it sound like you are "researching" them in detail, just mention that - you seem pretty cool. I hope you don't mind if I check out your Instagram (or whatever it is). People tend not to have a problem with that, since they post that stuff for others to see anyhow, + you have made it clear what you're doing.

I suggest you consider NOT researching people in great detail and keeping detailed records/dossiers on them, as even friendly people might find that intrusive and it may disturb them a bit. Keep it to a dull roar. You can still network/"engineer" friendships with relatively benign information, such as what sports teams people like, who else they may already know, etc. It doesn't have to be overly detailed to accomplish your purpose. It's possible you may have taken a reasonable activity and "overdone" it a bit, to the point where it then became problematic.

I have to log now FYI, so if you respond and I don't respond back for a while it's because I went to bed. Good night.

Edited October 10, 2022 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, have you got a close family member who could guide you on forming relationships appropriately?

Or a therapist? 

I mean that sincerely. You are clearly struggling a lot and strangers on the internet are not going to be the source of support for you. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Lifeinpixels said:

 I have quite a bit of information about Alyssa that I will happily use against her if she ends that friendship completely. 

You seem quite angry and disgruntled. It would be best to be under the care of the appropriate psychiatrist and therapist than do vicious stuff to people that will eventually get you in trouble.

Doxxing and collecting data on people for the purposes of extortion is not a good way to go about things. You could have legal problems one day with the mindset and trajectory you're on.

Edited October 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Lifeinpixels]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, have you got a close family member who could guide you on forming relationships appropriately?

Or a therapist? 

I mean that sincerely. You are clearly struggling a lot and strangers on the internet are not going to be the source of support for you. 

Yes, but they don’t know who Alyssa and Faith are and they can’t help me get them back.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Lifeinpixels said:

Yes, but they don’t know who Alyssa and Faith are and they can’t help me get them back.

The point is not getting them back. 

The point is helping you learn how to form friendships appropriately. Your approach is not working. 

[Lifeinpixels]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

That's indeed fairer. You don't have to make it sound like you are "researching" them in detail, just mention that - you seem pretty cool. I hope you don't mind if I check out your Instagram (or whatever it is). People tend not to have a problem with that, since they post that stuff for others to see anyhow, + you have made it clear what you're doing.

I suggest you consider NOT researching people in great detail and keeping detailed records/dossiers on them, as even friendly people might find that intrusive and it may disturb them a bit. Keep it to a dull roar. You can still network/"engineer" friendships with relatively benign information, such as what sports teams people like, who else they may already know, etc. It doesn't have to be overly detailed to accomplish your purpose. It's possible you may have taken a reasonable activity and "overdone" it a bit, to the point where it then became problematic.

I have to log now FYI, so if you respond and I don't respond back for a while it's because I went to bed. Good night.

Do you have any advice on how I can try and fix it with Alyssa? We might be on speaking terms. She’s very friendly and doesn’t get creeped out super easily. From what I understand, Alyssa and I are on speaking and texting terms, but she just doesn’t have the time these days to put in a huge effort to make a phone call to discuss all this. After all she did say cordial acquaintances, which means friendly and sincere, but just not overly close. Cordial acquaintances doesn’t mean “I never want to see you again.” 

Honestly, I don’t actually believe she’d be uncomfortable talking to me about it, especially with someone else present, but she’s very busy and I’m concerned that she doesn’t value the relationship enough to find it worth the time and energy. Perhaps next time I might run into her? 

It seems from what Alyssa told me, her concern is that she’s a busy girl and doesn’t have the time to give me the very close friendship that I originally wanted from her. She already has her inner circle, etc. She was very hurt that I didn’t seem to show appreciation to the friendship she was giving me even though it was not super close and more distant and complained. I didn’t complain about her specifically, but I did publicly complain about people in general  not making me a priority publicly on social media. She said she’s worried that if she fails to meet my expectations that I’ll get upset and address it publicly. Alyssa was extremely upset by that public post I made on social media. That’s when things started to get weird.

Alyssa feels that my attachment to her is too strong for it to be warranted and for her not knowing me. Just to let you know, it’s been months since all this happened and she has not blocked me or done anything on social media. She’s even liked a few of my posts.

Edited October 10, 2022 by Lifeinpixels

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Lifeinpixels said:

Do you have any advice on how I can try and fix it with Alyssa? We might be on speaking terms.  ...

Alyssa feels that my attachment to her is too strong for it to be warranted and for her not knowing me. Just to let you know, it’s been months since all this happened and she has not blocked me or done anything on social media. She’s even liked a few of my posts.

My thought would be to let the "friendship" continue at the level she seems to be comfortable with. That may be "acquaintance with only occasional contact" rather than "true friend".

That's ok for several reasons -  it keeps her happy because it's the "level" of friendship she is most comfortable with. So, she is unlikely to cause further problems for you.  Also, there is no real "need" to have her be a closer friend - instead of spending time and energy into trying to "turn her back into" a friend at a closer level, you can spend the same time and energy working on new friendships (in a less privacy-affecting manner) that may be more fruitful.

Everyone's a bit different. For me, I've found it wise to let friends "orbit you" at the distance they are most comfortable at. So, some will be close/intimate, others will be people you regularly meet and hang out with, and then others will be more distant (and some quite distant, but society still accepts that friends label). If you try to ascertain where the person seems to want to fit best, I find they will naturally gravitate to a certain distance - be it close or far. So, I tend to let them fall to that position as it is "natural" due to our specific personalities and the specific circumstances of our friendship.

You can always try to bring a friend to a closer "orbit" - e.g. by suggesting spending time together/doing things together etc. And sometimes it sort of happens "naturally" e.g. they show up and want to hang around with you.

If you invite someone to do more things together and they accept, great! If they can't or don't want to, or they become close for a while but then move back out to a more distant "orbit" for whatever reason, it's important IMO to try to not take this personally.  Often it will have more to do with circumstances or their specific goals than with you. Even if it does have to do with you - that's ultimately just a difference in personalities or interests. So, it's rarely a reason to "take revenge". So, if you are contemplating that in anger/feeling hurt, take some time to analyze what may be the reasons for their change and whether "revenge"/retaliation of some kind actually makes sense. Almost always it doesn't.

Edited October 10, 2022 by mark clemson