How can I cultivate a deeper friendship with a few friendly acquaintances that are now long distance? Without coming across as creepy / making them uncomfortable.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Kidzrock said:

No, I mean when I go back, I’ll go to the earlier service instead and help setup so I can cross paths with him? Understand?

No.  You're supposed to leave him and Alyssa alone.  You don't understand.

[Lifeinpixels]

38 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No.  You're supposed to leave him and Alyssa alone.  You don't understand.

If I leave them alone, what do you make of the chances, Alyssa might reach back to me again within the next couple years? She still follows me on social media, and even likes a few of my posts from time to time. I just really want Alyssa back in my life so bad, and Charlie if he is interested, but I've kind of let go of Charlie a little, because since I've never met him, it was a lot easier. 

Edited September 23, 2022 by Kidzrock

[Weezy1973]

There is just a huge differential in the intensity of these relationships. Close friendships are matched. It sounds like you’re a “10” in intensity whereas Alyssa is a “3”. That’s where the inappropriateness stems from. If you were to act in a way that she sees the relationship, as an acquaintance rather than a close friend, how would you act differently? 

[flitzanu]

have you considered that Alyssa does not want to be friends with you?  You are trying to find ways to force her to be your friend, or manipulate or trick her to be your friend.  Have you thought about just letting her decide on her own?

[Lifeinpixels]

51 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

There is just a huge differential in the intensity of these relationships. Close friendships are matched. It sounds like you’re a “10” in intensity whereas Alyssa is a “3”. That’s where the inappropriateness stems from. If you were to act in a way that she sees the relationship, as an acquaintance rather than a close friend, how would you act differently? 

Good Question. Before all the drama happened, I wouldn't say Alyssa was as low as 3. Perhaps a "5" though. I was definitely a "10". While we might've only been acquaintances, we were definitely close acquaintances. She was intentional in keeping in touch, and staying connected, and while she definitely did take a few days to respond, I would always get responses for the most part when it came to texting, and she'd often want to hear how I am doing as well. Also, besides her best friends, I was one of the first people she even told about her possible new relationship with Charlie, and I doubt she would've talked about it with me that early if she didn't see me as any type of friend at all. She was also intentional in making time for me when I visited whenever she could. It often was not a lot, but still valuable time. 

If the relationship got patched up, in all honesty, the value I placed on it would probably stay a "10", however I can definitely lower my expectations a lot, and understand that she only sees me as a new developing friend / close acquaintance. I would back off a lot with the kind of questions I asked her. Like maybe shut up about Charlie completely unless she talks about him. Focus a lot more on just talking to her and getting to know her better like most friends start out, and take my time. 

Eventually, I am hoping that this friendship can naturally be like a "6" or "7" but I'd take it very slow and hope it just naturally develops. It'll never be a "10" on her part. At least not anytime in the near future, and I already know that. 

[Lifeinpixels]

33 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

have you considered that Alyssa does not want to be friends with you?  You are trying to find ways to force her to be your friend, or manipulate or trick her to be your friend.  Have you thought about just letting her decide on her own?

Well here's the thing: I don't think that was the case before all the drama happened. Because if she didn't want to be friends with me, why would she be intentional in keeping in touch with me? Why would she make time to hangout with me and check in on me from time to time? I don't think any of that would've happened if she didn't want to be friends with me. 

Now after everything happened, she might of lost the desire, but I think she lost the desire because she felt uncomfortable and weirded out. I want to show her that I can do better this time, and not be so intense, lower my expectations, and appreciate the relationship we have had and not try and push for something closer, and see how it develops in a more natural way.

[Lifeinpixels]

55 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

have you considered that Alyssa does not want to be friends with you? 

Also, if that’s the case, what’s the reason? Usually if you don’t want to be friends with someone that genuinely wants to be friends with you, there’s usually a reason for that and something about the other person that makes you not want to be friends with them. I need to find out what that is and change it if that’s the case.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Kidzrock said:

any pictures I have with Alyssa on social media, I just erase her face through photoshop and repost the pictures with me, other friends and Alyssa completely covered in white blank space and nowhere to be seen?

No. This is just bizarre. Remove the photo altogether if you don't want a reminder of her on your social media. Deleting her face and reposting the picture is childish and frankly rather creepy. 

7 hours ago, Kidzrock said:

Why would it be uncomfortable for Meredith? I’m not going to push it and let it develop slowly with her. I won’t make the same mistake.

Because you made it clear in your first post about this Meredith person that you intended to get closer to her as a means of getting Alyssa back in your life. It doesn't seem very sincere of you now to say you want to be friends with Meredith anyway. Meredith will see through it, too. 

[Lifeinpixels]

Hey Guys, to sum up the whole thing, would you agree that the main problem and reason why Alyssa basically felt uncomfortable in this friendship was because I was just feeling like a very clingy and needy friend to her overall, and didn't have much respect for important boundaries? I suppose if I look at someone as a very close friend that sees me more of like just a close acquaintance, it can just feel suffocating, clingy, and make the other person resent me and lose desire for a friendship. Is that true? 

Because I don't really see any other reason that she'd be uncomfortable. 

The main problem is I feel if I try to fix a friendship that ended for this reason, it can easily come across as still being clingy which was the whole issue in the first place. 

And since Alyssa wasn't a close friend, I think the space she really needs is probably a lot more to not feel suffocated again because for the type of friendship she and I had, it was more spread out, and more space should've been naturally given throughout the friendship. Would you agree?

Edited September 23, 2022 by Kidzrock

[Weezy1973]

5 minutes ago, Kidzrock said:

Is that true? 

Yes, I’d agree with this. Your excitement to meet her new boyfriend was also way over the top, even if the two of you were the bestest of friends. Generally allowing things to infold naturally works better than forcing the issue. It seem you have a ton of thoughts running through your head all the time and want to act on them, but often it’s best to just not. She has a new boyfriend and you’ll meet him whenever it’s appropriate in their mind to meet. You might get along and you might not. Just let things be.

[Lifeinpixels]

30 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes, I’d agree with this. Your excitement to meet her new boyfriend was also way over the top, even if the two of you were the bestest of friends. Generally allowing things to infold naturally works better than forcing the issue. It seem you have a ton of thoughts running through your head all the time and want to act on them, but often it’s best to just not. She has a new boyfriend and you’ll meet him whenever it’s appropriate in their mind to meet. You might get along and you might not. Just let things be.

For Sure! I definitely understand. And just so you know, its not just her boyfriend, but very often I can hear about people and lurk on their social media and start to develop an extreme excitement to try and meet them. It's happened with completely random people as well, and sometimes it did not turn out very well because they were creeped out.

Here's another thing that happened. Alyssa didn't call me out for this specifically but she might've noticed it. I DM'd Alyssa on instagram saying that I would be coming to college to visit for a few days. Then a few hours later, I saw Charlie's instagram story that just him will be out of town during the days I'll be there due to work commitments. As soon as I saw that, I immediately unsent the DM to Alyssa and changed my dates to come the week after, and DM'd her again the new dates. It appears that Alyssa didn't read the first DM but she might've seen it pop up on her phone and didn't read the whole thing. I also learned the Instagram sends notifications when you unsend a message. I wonder if she might've been suspicious of that as well. The day right after that, Charlie hid his instagram stories from me. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Kidzrock said:

I want to show her that I can do better this time, and not be so intense, lower my expectations, and appreciate the relationship we have had and not try and push for something closer, and see how it develops in a more natural way.

She has a new boyfriend and is cultivating a new relationship with him, so it's doubtful she has the time to spend on a relationship with you.  Also her new boyfriend may not appreciate another guy trying to be close friends with his girlfriend. I think your best choice is to give her plenty of space until she reaches out to you and asks to get together.  That way you can be sure she wants you in her life

[Lifeinpixels]

56 minutes ago, stillafool said:

She has a new boyfriend and is cultivating a new relationship with him, so it's doubtful she has the time to spend on a relationship with you.  Also her new boyfriend may not appreciate another guy trying to be close friends with his girlfriend. I think your best choice is to give her plenty of space until she reaches out to you and asks to get together.  That way you can be sure she wants you in her life

I don’t think it’s a new boyfriend anymore. They’ve been together for almost a year now.

Her main focus is obviously on her boyfriend, but why would she not have anytime at all for me?

I don’t think her boyfriend would mind if I included him in the relationship as well, which was one of my reasons in trying to get to know him as well in the first place.

Anyways it probably won’t be close friends anyways because she and i live long distance now and would only be able to see each other when I visit and that’s would be 3 times a year at most probably.

Also, I don’t think her boyfriend would mind too much as long as she’s happy. When I was asking about Charlie, I asked others about how he might feel about guys being friends with his girlfriend. Everyone that knew him said they don’t see him minding at all too much. Not to mention, she has a few other guy friends closer than me. I think Charlie has a few girl friends to or at least he used to. 

I heard a story once when Charlie was great friends with a dating couple many years ago, probably a little closer to the guy. He broke up with her, and Charlie was super encouraging to the girl and told her that he was there for her if she needed anything. He knew how hard it was for the girl because he was friends with the guy. This was quite a few years ago, but still. I’m pretty sure that Charlie sees the value in male-female platonic friendships because I don’t think he would’ve been invested in the girl like that right after a breakup with one of his guy friends.

Edited September 24, 2022 by Kidzrock

[ShyViolet]

OP, you really need to be in some kind of professional therapy to help you with your social skills.  It seems that you're not really understanding the advice that is being given to you here, and you keep repeating the same patterns over and over.  You need more help than this site is able to provide.  I'm curious if you are pursuing professional help, maybe something that is specialized to autism.

[Lifeinpixels]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

OP, you really need to be in some kind of professional therapy to help you with your social skills.  It seems that you're not really understanding the advice that is being given to you here, and you keep repeating the same patterns over and over.  You need more help than this site is able to provide.  I'm curious if you are pursuing professional help, maybe something that is specialized to autism.

Not at the moment, but I'd be happy to look into professional help. I think this is the problem. Some of the people here, I feel are trying to change who I am, and I don't want to change my personality. What I want to change is to try and develop more appropriate social skills but I am proud of who I am and who I try and pursue friendship with, but just want to do it in a more appropriate way.  

[ShyViolet]

Just now, Kidzrock said:

 Some of the people here, I feel are trying to change who I am, and I don't want to change my personality. What I want to change is to try and develop more appropriate social skills but I am proud of who I am 

You are currently having great difficulties in relationships with other people and knowing how to behave appropriately in social situations.  Do you want to "change" into a person who has better social skills and is able to have good relationships/friendships with other people?  That is all this is about.  Not changing you as a person or changing your personality.

[Lifeinpixels]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You are currently having great difficulties in relationships with other people and knowing how to behave appropriately in social situations.  Do you want to "change" into a person who has better social skills and is able to have good relationships/friendships with other people?  That is all this is about.  Not changing you as a person or changing your personality.

Absolutely. I think this is my worry though. Very often I will meet people for the first time and think they are so cool and would like to build an intimate friendship with them. That being said, I want to do it in an appropriate way. Most NT's probably would not even try to pursue that friendship if they don't regularly see the person, but I want to pursue it. Just in an appropriate manner. Does that make sense? This is one example out of many. 

Also I want to keep pursuing platonic friendships with girls as well, whether they're single or dating, because I have no interest in dating them. Most NT guys probably wouldn't even try, but I want to be able to do that. But like how can I do it in a way that is as comfortable for the other person as possible?

Does this make any sense, do you understand what I am trying to say here? 

Like even in this situation here. I want a friendship with Alyssa and Charlie. I want to pursue it, but in an appropriate way that'll make them feel safe and comfortable. However, I still want to pursue this and not let go. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Nobody here wants you to change yourself as a person. 

But you badly need to work on your social skills. I would seek professional help with this. Internet strangers can't offer you the appropriate support and guidance you need. 

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, Kidzrock said:

Like even in this situation here. I want a friendship with Alyssa and Charlie. I want to pursue it, but in an appropriate way that'll make them feel safe and comfortable. However, I still want to pursue this and not let go. 

It is completely inappropriate and not okay behavior for you to continue to pursue them and not let this go.  They have made it clear that they found your behavior towards them to be unwanted and violating of their boundaries.  Yet you can't seem to help yourself to continue this.

This statement right here shows that the good advice many people in this thread have given you doesn't seem to be sinking in.  This is why we are saying that your difficulties with social skills are much deeper than this message board can help you with.  You don't seem to be understanding the advice that people are giving you here.  Please seek out a professional therapist.

[Lifeinpixels]

23 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It is completely inappropriate and not okay behavior for you to continue to pursue them and not let this go.  They have made it clear that they found your behavior towards them to be unwanted and violating of their boundaries.  Yet you can't seem to help yourself to continue this.

This statement right here shows that the good advice many people in this thread have given you doesn't seem to be sinking in.  This is why we are saying that your difficulties with social skills are much deeper than this message board can help you with.  You don't seem to be understanding the advice that people are giving you here.  Please seek out a professional therapist.

Well I might be able to let go, but under the condition that I will complain about them to all our mutual friends and kind of gossip around.

Like, I might even be able to talk to Charlie’s boss at church since it’s my church as well and complain that he’s a leader in a church and has been very rude to me by rejecting anything I say to him, not welcoming, and very unchristian like behavior. I might even be able to get him fired.

Edited September 24, 2022 by Kidzrock

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Kidzrock said:

Like, I might even be able to talk to Charlie’s boss at church since it’s my church as well and complain that he’s a leader in a church and has been very rude to me by rejecting anything I say to him, not welcoming, and very unchristian like behavior. I might even be able to get him fired.

This is why you need professional help as soon as possible.  Thoughts like this make you dangerous to others lives.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Kidzrock said:

Well I might be able to let go, but under the condition that I will complain about them to all our mutual friends and kind of gossip around.

 

Why? The thing you seem to be missing is that friendship involves two people. No matter how cool you think someone is, and how much you’d like to “pursue” a friendship with them, if they don’t reciprocate those feelings, there is no friendship. Friendships aren’t even really something that one pursues. They’re something that develops fairly naturally over time. 

[Lifeinpixels]

So this is a Girl that I have been dating for a month. We'll call her Faith. It is mainly casual dating, and we are not serious or officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but we have discussed that that appears to be something we would like to pursue in the near future. She is 5 years older than me if that plays any part in it, and I just graduated from college a year ago, and in my early 20s. Anyways, we are dating long distance but live only about 2 hrs and 30 min away from each other. How we met is a little bit of a weird story here. So Faith is a girl that I actually knew ABOUT from college as she was on staff for college housing. However, I only saw her from a distance twice and never met her in person while in college. I always had a lot of interest in getting to know her but we didn't really cross paths, and she didn't even know who I was. However, a married couple that I knew from college that were close friends of mine told me that Faith now lives in their town when a random conversation came up, and she is a trainer for CrossFit at the same location that he is involved in it as well. He had no idea that I had interest Faith at all, and she just came up in a random conversation. 9 months later, I was going to my close friends town to spend time with them and a few other people. I asked if I could tag along with him to CrossFit (for the sake of meeting Faith, but I didn't tell him that that was my actual reason), and he took me along. I did this with him 3 days in a row, but I must admit that my main reason for doing CrossFit for the week I was there was to meet Faith and try to start a romantic relationship. Faith and I were kind of flirting a very little bit, but we didn't know each other well. A few days later, just before I returned to my hometown, I went to Faith's church on Sunday (We didn't plan it or anything. We didn't know each other well yet, and I basically found out what church she went to by looking at instagram and decided to go to that one). I met Faith and one of her best friends at church, and after the service was over, Faith asked me if she and her best friend could take me out to lunch. I said yes of course. The three of us went out to lunch, and it was casual but I was flirting. After I left to go back home, I asked if we could keep in touch, and she said yes. I wasn't comfortable asking for her number yet, so I asked for her email instead. So we started to email back and fourth for about a couple weeks, and later I asked her if we could FaceTime and catch up. She gave me her number and we set up a time to do that. I was honest with her in that I developed feelings and told her that I liked her. She said she somewhat has feelings but isn't quite sure and wants to keep talking and get to know me better. We did just that, and it was mostly casual FaceTime dates, but not official. 

Now here's the real interesting and weird part of the story: Back when I was in college there was a girl that I will call Alyssa that I was close acquaintances with. We were intentional with each other, but didn't know each other well enough to call friends yet. Alyssa was Faith's age and Alyssa and Faith worked in the same department as both leaders. Alyssa and Faith were NOT best friends but they were very close acquaintances / casual friends and had a lot of trust and respect for each other. Alyssa still works at college, and while Faith has moved out, they still keep in contact from time to time. Like I said, they aren't close friends or inner circle people, but Alyssa and Faith are definitely friends that really enjoy each other, and there's trust there for sure. 

About a few months ago, Alyssa started to get very suspicious of me being sneaky about friendships and kind of forcing friendships with people that looked natural from the outside, but there was a lot of strategy and control in terms of situations from the inside in forming all those friendships. Alyssa found this really weird and it's something she has never seen before. After a lot of investigation on checking out my social media and talking to many other mutual acquaintances, she had figured out that I have been involved in something that she called: A HUGE FRIENDSHIP-FIXING SCANDAL for the past 9 years. 

I feel like Alyssa is really overreacting to this, but she was really upset when she discovered this, and felt like it was all deceptive, manipulative, and that she couldn't trust me. Basically what was happening in the past 9 years was that during my high school and college years, there would be people that I knew briefly or heard about and didn't know at all that I would have a huge desire to befriend and build relationships with. Then, I would try and find a little more info about them via social media and mutual friends, and strategize to find a way that I can naturally get more time with the specific people on my radar and build relationships with. There was a lot of tactics, strategy, and intentionality in thinking from the inside. I was seeing how I could use situations to my advantage and take advantage of any opportunity that might come in handy. 

Here are a list of things I did in college to help get my close to the people I wanted to be close to:

1. Joining clubs and charity ministries that those people are present at.

2. Finding out online if they play any intramural sports, what times their games were, and going to watch them.

3. Connecting with them on social media, and making posts about topics that I knew they were interested in for the sake of getting their attention and starting conversations.

4. Going to events and gatherings that I knew those people would be at. 

5. Applying for part time job positions on campus because those people also work in those institutions.

6.  Making Long Distance Trips for the sake of trying to seek out those acquaintances that I wasn't close with and meet up with them to build relationships, but claiming that I was making that long distance trip for another reason, to make it look like I was just passing by and wanted to get together with them. 

Anyways, I was very clever and kept my boundaries very tight and on guard just to make sure I was giving these acquaintances the space they needed and wasn't intrusive. Not even one ever felt like I was stalking them or anything like that. It all seemed normal to them like just passing by and randomly being at those places, but from the inside there was a lot of strategic planning and intentionality there, that those acquaintances did not know about. It all felt natural to them with the growth of those relationships, but Alyssa had claimed that it was all forced by me in a sneaky way and she was really upset. 

Here is what made Alyssa suspicious and made her really investigate and look into what I was doing: 

1. She noticed that all my friends were from all different places on campus, and I never had a friend group or inner circle that I hung out with on a regular basis. She wondered how I got close to all these people from different places, and how most of my closest friends did not even know each other.

2. She was recalling conversations she had with me during my years on campus, and it appeared that everyone that I expressed interest in getting to know better casually, became a close friend of mine eventually. 

3. She realized that I wasn't friends with anybody on my dorm, or the people that I come in contact with everyday.

4. She noticed that I seemed to somehow get really close to people that lived long distance from me and that I never had any life experiences with, or saw on a regular basis (some were former college graduates that graduated before I even went to college), and just could not understand how I could've naturally gotten close to those people.

5. This was the BIG one that confirmed it, and made Alyssa feel the need to do some serious investigation. At a certain point, I went to visit my college and grabbed lunch with Alyssa. She told me she had a new boyfriend, and I was excited for her. She knew that her boyfriend and I never met each other, but we happened to be connected on social media due to just many connections around campus. I was asking her some questions about him, and she told me that it was too much so I stopped. I found out that her boyfriend was interested in basketball and started suddenly making a lot of social media posts about basketball, and she never saw me post or talk about that at all in the past. I was also talking with a mutual friend about her boyfriend and found out that her boyfriend often goes to game nights at someone's house. I asked that mutual friend if I could go with him to the game night when I visit in town. Finally, I was making a trip to go back to visit college, and texted Alyssa certain dates on instagram. A few hours later, I saw her boyfriends story that he would be out of town on those dates, and as soon as I saw that I changed my dates, unsent the message to Alyssa and sent her the same message with different dates. It said she didn't see my first message first, but maybe she did. She caught onto it quickly and was like: "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". 

Anyways after all that investigating and talking to people, Alyssa found out that I was doing these sneaky tactics and basically in her opinion, I was manipulating situations, forcing friendships to happen, and making plans for all of that. She discovered that I've been making a huge habit of that for the past 9 years and she called it an absolute FRIENDSHIP SCANDAL. This made Alyssa really upset, and she basically told me she herself wanted a lot of space from me and not to hear from me for a while. She also told a bunch of mutual friends of what she found out. Some friends just brushed it off, but others told me that they didn't want to hear from me again and felt it was a huge breach of trust. Not to mention, these were practices that I have been doing for 9 years and with over 20 people. 

Finally, Alyssa felt she had to tell Faith this knowing that Faith and I were casually dating. Alyssa called Faith and told her, and Faith asked me to explain all that to her. I honestly never thought what I was doing was wrong, but it seems Alyssa did, and maybe Faith did as well. Faith asked me if my whole new relationship with her was planned out by me before even meeting her. I didn't know what to say because honestly it was, and I reluctantly told her the truth. Faith told me that she wants space for 3 weeks to think about what I did, re-evaluate hers and my relationship, think about whether what I did for all these years is wrong or acceptable, etc. Faith also told me that she will be consulting with her best friends and family about this and whether to move forward with the relationship or not. 

All that said, absolutely no friends have felt anything weird by me before this scandal was discovered, and it all felt normal and natural friendships to them. Therefore, I don't see what is wrong with what I was doing. 

What do you all think? Do you think what I was doing these past years was wrong? Apparently I lost a lot of friendships when some were told by Alyssa, and might possibly lose this potential dating relationship. I am so upset and feel like I'm getting punished for doing nothing wrong. Do you think this is something worth calling off a dating relationship for? This has caused me so much emotional distress. 

Edited October 8, 2022 by Lifeinpixels

[smackie9]

Using people as stepping stones to get to a greater goal, some would call it shallow/selfish. What most of these "friends" saw was a lack of integrity/honesty from you, when your secret was revealed. Can you not just be real/upfront and ask someone out? no, you plot, scheme, use others to get the process going. Dude seriously? Work on your confidence level. Nothing wrong with just taking risks, and deal with the rejection if it occurs.

Edited October 8, 2022 by smackie9

[glows]

You seem to be trying very hard to make friends with specific people which may seem odd as usually we join groups and clubs or go to events out of our own vested interest or likes etc, not based on someone else. Although I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong it can seem peculiar and stalkerish to the point of people wanting to avoid you. 

The extent to which Alyssa has called it a “scandal” also sounds quite weird and taking things too far in the way she searched you up to ruin your social life. Does she not have anything else better to do? She thought it best to tell her friend/acquaintance Faith and that’s up to her but also quite meddling. 

My thoughts are to think independently of this and start guiding your thoughts in ways that don’t involve these people. Avoid stalking individuals and planning your life around someone you don’t know well from the outset as it can be very creepy. Find out what you love to do and go out and do it. You don’t need to be pursuing specific friendships. Do it for health reasons, intellectual stimulation, trying something new etc.