Is he interested or not?

[lovesfool]

I started messaging a man two weeks ago. He seems nice, chatty, interesting and handsome. We chatted for a while on a dating app and I told him I don't log onto the app much during weekdays as it's a distraction (which is true). He then sent me his number so that we could arrange a date during the week. I didn't see the message until the following weekend, but I texted him then to organise a date.

He told me he was visiting family for the whole weekend and that we should do something during the week and we loosely agreed on Tuesday. No problem! Then early in the week we were messaging and he seemed to have forgotten about agreeing to Tuesday and said we should meet at the weekend. I didn't mention about Tuesday as I happened to be very busy with work and it wouldn't have really suited me to meet him anyway.

The rest of the week was normal. He messages me nearly every day for a chat which was very nice. Saturday's date was mentioned a lot, and we both were joking about bad first dates and how this was going to be another one! It was all light-hearted and it was very much a mutual joke!

So now that it's the weekend, he messages me this morning to say that he got called into work unexpectedly and we should rearrange. It can happen, so I accept it and say I'm happy to reschedule. He comes back and just says "sorry!" and doesn't suggest another time. I say maybe we could meet in the evening, after work, but he comes back and says he's got a party to go to straight after work, but that "we must have this bad first date!" with laughing emojis. Again, he doesn't suggest a time.

I'm not sure if he's leading me on. He seemed very interested right up until all of a sudden he cancelled and then no attempt at picking another day. Should I just back away and leave him to reach out again or is that just playing a game? I kind of feel dumb for suggesting to meet later on today and then getting turned down with no alternative suggested. Maybe he thinks I'm too keen.

What would you do?

[stillafool]

I would back away and leave the ball in his court.   Don't message him again until he sets up a date with a time.

[lovesfool]

That's what I was thinking. The only thing that was in the back of my mind is that he said he was very easy-going.

I've a friend who is dating a guy who is the same way. He doesn't arrange any dates and just goes with the flow! She suggests all the dates and he just says yes. They've been going out together for 9 months but it sounds very frustrating! Hopefully it's not the case here.

[stillafool]

Well you'll soon find out what his dating style is and how long it takes him to plan something.  If it doesn't suit you, oh well.......

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I've a friend who is dating a guy who is the same way. He doesn't arrange any dates and just goes with the flow! She suggests all the dates and he just says yes.

You're about to hear why a guy like this is not worth your time and attention. You must've not read the rule book –– the man is supposed to pursue with diligence, make all the plans, pay for everything, pay you tons of compliments, and engage in obsequious, chivalrous behaviors. Since this guy is not playing by the rules, you'll be told to ignore him.

But my suggestion would be to send him one text asking if he intends to propose an alternate time. If he doesn't get the hint then he's probably not keen (love this word)... or he has plenty of options and is sort of ambivalent as to which to explore first (which may be why he cancelled in the first place). By sending a text like that you're saying, hey buddy, fish or cut bait.

*if you target the hottest guy on Tinder, don't expect him to play by the rules. He doesn't need to.

 

Edited December 3, 2022 by salparadise

[lovesfool]

4 minutes ago, salparadise said:

You're about to hear why a guy like this is not worth your time and attention. You must've not read the rule book –– the man is supposed to pursue with diligence, make all the plans, pay for everything, pay you tons of compliments, and engage in obsequious, chivalrous behaviors. Since this guy is not playing by the rules, you'll be told to ignore him.

But my suggestion would be to send him one text asking if he intends to propose an alternate time. If he doesn't get the hint then he's probably not keen (love this word)... or he has plenty of options and is sort of ambivalent as to which to explore first (which may be why he cancelled in the first place). By sending a text like that you're saying, hey buddy, fish or cut bait.

 

I took your advice, in a way. He messaged to say that he is busy tomorrow as well (with a gym class and meeting a friend for dinner, which don't really seem very time consuming!). I just said to let me know whenever you want to reschedule. I expect a positive response of "oh for sure, looking forward to it" or something, but I'll leave it at that and wait for him to reach out again.

I just don't understand men!

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't reach out again. He seems lukewarm about meeting now. 

Keep on truckin', OP. This guy might not be that interested but there will be others. 

[lovesfool]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't reach out again. He seems lukewarm about meeting now. 

Keep on truckin', OP. This guy might not be that interested but there will be others. 

As predicted, he just "liked" my message about letting me know about rescheduling. He could have easily picked a day in that moment, but no!

What frustrates me is that there's no way of knowing what he was thinking. He could be nervous about meeting after just getting back into dating, he could have started dating someone else and wants to see how that plays out, maybe he discovered something about me on my social media page! Who knows. I wish people could be honest, but it never seems to be the way.

I've just deleted all my dating profiles out of frustration. I think I need a break for a while.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

What frustrates me is that there's no way of knowing what he was thinking

Would it make a big difference, really? 

If the result is the same (opting not to meet up), what would it change if you knew the reason? 

[lovesfool]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Would it make a big difference, really? 

If the result is the same (opting not to meet up), what would it change if you knew the reason? 

Yes, mentally. If you knew someone didn't meet because they started seeing someone else you could chalk it down to bad timing. If it was something to do with my personality, then I know we were never a match in the first place. If it was because of some personal issue, well then I know he's not ready for dating.

The result may be the same, but it's always good to know how you ended up there. It rarely happens in the dating world though.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

The result may be the same, but it's always good to know how you ended up there

But this man is a stranger, OP. 

Why put that much stock in his reasons? I wouldn't really care what a guy I have never met thought about me, personally. It's not as though I would be keen to change something based on the opinion of some dude that doesn't know me, if was something about me personally. His opinion would be essentially meaningless. 

[NuevoYorko]

The reason always is the same, at the bottom:  they weren't feeling it that much. Not much more complex than losing interest in buying a new phone.   Whether it was your personality, they weren't in the right place,  they have a girlfriend and changed their mind about cheating, or whatever, makes no difference.  You don't know them and they don't know you.   

[lovesfool]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But this man is a stranger, OP. 

Why put that much stock in his reasons? I wouldn't really care what a guy I have never met thought about me, personally. It's not as though I would be keen to change something based on the opinion of some dude that doesn't know me, if was something about me personally. His opinion would be essentially meaningless. 

It's human nature. If people didn't feel this way this forum would be a much quieter place!

It would be much stranger if people were completely unphased by someone cancelling a date.

[poppyfields]

@lovesfoolI was just discussing this very thing on another forum and the bottom line is, highly interested people do NOT flake. 

I realize shyt happens and people are nervous and anxious BUT flaking/canceling is so risky and a person with high interest is not going to take that risk. 

He has flaked on you twice now. 

He's not interested, period.  He probably never was, there is nothing to figure out. 

Don't care how often he texts, texts mean jack * unless combined with action like making and keeping a date.  Lord. 

If me, no I would not reach out, or leave the ball in his court, or give another chance, he'd be done.

Don't even bother attempting to figure this out.  As others have said, he's a stranger. 

Simply move forward and focus on men who are interested and capable of making and keeping dates.

 

 

Edited December 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[lovesfool]

I don't agree. There are plenty of other reasons why someone might "flake" as I listed before. I agree that more often than not it's because they're simply not interested, but I'm just saying it would be nice if guys actually were honest and said they didn't want to meet instead of stringing you along.

It's very easy for you to say you wouldn't give anyone another chance if they did that, but I'm not in a nice position where there are lots of other men out there waiting for me. I don't feel the attraction with very many men at all, and when I do find someone I like, I give them the benefit of the doubt, much more than an average person. If 9 times out of 10 of these scenarios where the guy is flakey and it turns out they just weren't interested, I don't want to miss a chance with that 10th guy who is flakey but actually is interested.

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

It's human nature. If people didn't feel this way this forum would be a much quieter place!

It would be much stranger if people were completely unphased by someone cancelling a date.

Agree it's human nature to be curious about it.

But emotionally healthy people understand that it's also human nature to not be interested or lose interest and when it comes to those we've never even met or had a date with, it's best to accept it, let it go and move forward. 

May I ask why you're unable to do that?  Accept and let it go? 

He's not the only fish in the sea as they say. 

Edited December 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Try not to be so intense.

He postponed twice now.

All you know at this point is that he is unreliable and flaky.

It doesn't bode well.

 

Edited December 3, 2022 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I don't feel the attraction with very many men at all, and when I do find someone I like, I give them the benefit of the doubt, much more than an average person.

Believe it or not most people are selective when it comes to who attracts their attention, so you aren't alone there.  So, why are you on 2 forums discussing him instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt and just waiting?

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I don't agree. There are plenty of other reasons why someone might "flake" as I listed before. I agree that more often than not it's because they're simply not interested, but I'm just saying it would be nice if guys actually were honest and said they didn't want to meet instead of stringing you along.

It's very easy for you to say you wouldn't give anyone another chance if they did that, but I'm not in a nice position where there are lots of other men out there waiting for me. I don't feel the attraction with very many men at all, and when I do find someone I like, I give them the benefit of the doubt, much more than an average person. If 9 times out of 10 of these scenarios where the guy is flakey and it turns out they just weren't interested, I don't want to miss a chance with that 10th guy who is flakey but actually is interested.

First off, re bolded, there is no such thing as a "flakey" guy who is interested.

They don't exist. 

One thing (flaking) rules out the other (high interest).

As I said, people can get nervous and anxious BUT will not flake when interested.  Not gonna happen. 

Let's say, he got busy at work and boss asked him to stay late.  A highly interested man would tell his boss I have an important engagement and will complete tomorrow. 

I've said that to bosses and have had boyfriends say that to bosses - when highly interested. 

You cannot get fired because you're unable to work late.  Its a choice and a highly interested man will make the choice to keep his date with you. 

Let's say he feels sick suddenly.  I have found this rarely happens but when it did, he called me on phone, apologized and immediately rescheduled.

Giving the benefit of doubt, with all due respect, when a man flakes on you twice and offers no alternative day, there should be NO doubt to give him the benefit of!

He's not interested, period. 

I am wondering if you've ever dated a highly interested man.  They don't flake I promise you. 

Through hell or high water, they are going to keep the date unless it's a dire medical emergency and in that case they call, explain and immediately reschedule.

Raise standards is my advice.  

Good luck. 

 

Edited December 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Nope. There is no need to get this bent over this.

Don't go into full tailspin mode of why the person dipped out on you.

Who cares if he's interested or not.

Just tell him "Thanks For Letting Me Know."

Whether it's a first date, it's best to accept a cancelled date graciously, to approach it with kindness, and to not take it personally.

Edited December 3, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

@lovesfoolI apologize, my last post was a bit harsh.

I still stand by it but could have been kinder and I'm sorry for that. 

I know you're struggling for understanding and rejection stings no matter how it gets sliced and diced. 

My feeling fwiw is that your understanding and niceness might be standing in your way a bit. 

You say you're not attracted to many men, neither was I BUT I still held true to my standards and never tolerated disrespect including flaking. 

Men can sense this and it may possibly be why they're flaking on you and why you lack abundance (many men to choose from).

When you tolerate disrespect and bad behavior it sends them the message you don't respect yourself. 

And no man will ever respect you or even want to date you if you don't respect and love yourself first. 

My advice is stop being so "nice and understanding."  When a man flakes last minute giving in what most instances is a bogus excuse, refrain from replying "no problem, let me know when you're free and we can reschedule." 

Rescheduling is HIS job, not yours. 

He just flaked on you, which is a rude thing to do.

Don't reward that behavior by chasing him down for a reschedule, it sends the wrong message. 

"Thanks for letting me know" is suffice. 

All the best moving forward.

 

 

 

 

Edited December 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

^^ This is good.

It was a one-time date.

Sometimes I feel like we're trained into believing every first date is supposed to be our last. At least that’s how we treat them.

Setting the expectations for a long-term thing, not putting the first date and his level of interest up on a special pedestal.

The traits he has displayed are flakiness and unreliability, neither of which are desirable in a potential partner. The more you can zero in on that, the less you need to worry about his interest and the easier it becomes not to want to pursue this.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, lovesfool said:

It would be much stranger if people were completely unphased by someone cancelling a date.

I don't reaally agree. It was a stranger you don't know from the next guy. 

There is no reason to be invested in understanding why. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, lovesfool said:

 he said he was very easy-going.

Try to let you. You haven't met yet and he keeps stalling, and procrastinating.

That's not easygoing, that's lack of interest.

Keep in mind that you are both still talking to and meeting others. 

Just back burner him and move forward.

[introverted1]

Interested people act interested, OP.

It's not about roles - men have to do X while women do Y.  It's about the fact that, if two people actually want to meet, they make it happen.  If one of those people has to cancel, they make an effort to reschedule asap.  When people cancel and then make half-hearted attempts at rescheduling, they are speaking loudly and clearly that they are not interested (or not in a position to date, which amounts to the same thing).

Sure, it's your right to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to understand why someone you were chatting with ultimately decided not to meet, but to what end?  You have no way to find out the *true* reason and certainly no one here has it.  So all this quest does is keep this non-experience alive for you.  To what end?  You'd be better off putting your time and energy into talking with a man who is interested.

Edited December 4, 2022 by introverted1
Typos. Why do I only see them after I've pressed send?