Is he interested or not?

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I guess the question is whether his lower interest could turn into being very interested

Don't drop your bar that low, Loves. 

Not having many options at the moment is not a good reason to do so. 

[lovesfool]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Don't drop your bar that low, Loves. 

Not having many options at the moment is not a good reason to do so. 

I've never had many options and when I say that here people tell me to lower my expectations! 

I can't keep waiting around for the perfect guy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I can't keep waiting around for the perfect guy. 

I can promise you this guy isn't the one either, though. 

He's barely interested. There is a difference between lowering your expectations, and not waiting around for someone who is just not that into you. 

[shellzbellz83]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Would it be silly to give him an ultimatum that if he ever cancels a date again then that's it? 

Yes. Issuing an ultimatum to a stranger who has made it clear he could take or leave you is cringy. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I've never had many options and when I say that here people tell me to lower my expectations! 

I can't keep waiting around for the perfect guy. 

You don’t have many options in that not many men are interested in you? Or you’re not interested in many men? 

[Alpacalia]

There is a part of you that empathizes with him, mainly because you, too, have been guilty of flaky dating habits from time to time, which you've admitted to being guilty of.

It might be the perfect match for you two!

[lovesfool]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You don’t have many options in that not many men are interested in you? Or you’re not interested in many men? 

I'm not interested in many men so when one does come along that has potential, I end up giving them more chances than I guess your average woman would. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I guess the question is whether his lower interest could turn into being very interested.

^^I've seen this happen but ONLY when the woman raised her standards, knew her worth/value, stopped tolerating his BS (i.e. flaky behavior) and walked away.  

No complaining, simply "this isn't working for me. Take care."  And she meant it. 

It was THEN the man started also realizing her worth/value, respecting her, stopped treating her like an afterthought he could take or leave.

But rather a woman he had a  desire to make an effort for, plan and keep dates and develop a relationship with. 

IOW, his interest will NOT increase by you hanging around, accepting his flaky behavior, giving him benefit of doubt (which in this case there IS no doubt of his lack of interest), being so "nice" and understanding and playing the cool girl. 

Not gonna happen @lovesfool.

Men become highly interested in and attracted to women who first and foremost respect themselves and know their worth/value and who are not afraid to walk away when treated poorly and disrespectfully. 

Which is clearly what's happening here and HE knows it hence him telling you he would not blame you for ending your interaction

I am NOT saying you don't respect or value yourself, but your acceptance of the dismissive way he treats you (forgetting he made a date with you?) in HIS eyes, reflects that you do not and as such he won't feel inspired to either or make much of an effort for you, I'm sorry 

Good luck whatever path you choose. 

 

 

 

Edited December 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

^^I've seen this happen but ONLY when the woman raised her standards, knew her worth/value, stopped tolerating his BS (i.e. flaky behavior) and walked away.  

No complaining, simply "this isn't working for me. Take care."  And she meant it. 

It was THEN the man started also realizing her worth/value, respecting her, stopped treating her like an afterthought he could take or leave.

But rather a woman he had a  desire to make an effort for, plan and keep dates and develop a relationship with. 

IOW, his interest will NOT increase by you hanging around, accepting his flaky behavior, giving him benefit of doubt (which in this case there IS no doubt of his lack of interest), being so "nice" and understanding and playing the cool girl. 

Not gonna happen @lovesfool.

Men become highly interested in and attracted to women who first and foremost respect themselves and know their worth/value and who are not afraid to walk away when treated poorly and disrespectfully. 

Which is clearly what's happening here and HE knows it hence him telling you he would not blame you for ending your interaction

I am NOT saying you don't respect or value yourself, but your acceptance of the dismissive way he treats you (forgetting he made a date with you?) in HIS eyes, reflects that you do not and as such he won't feel inspired to either or make much of an effort for you, I'm sorry 

Good luck whatever path you choose. 

^Edited to add:  If you choose to walk away which I hope you choose to do, please don't do it as some sort of strategy to raise his interest. 

It may not.  In fact, more times than not, the man stayed gone.

However I have seen where a man's interest level increased after the woman walked away and he began treating her more respectfully etc.

I have NEVER seen where a man's interest increased when the woman hung around accepting flaky and disrespectful, dismissive treatment.

It's up to you @lovesfool.

 

 

Edited December 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[lovesfool]

I've told him that we should park things as he clearly doesn't have enough time for me. He tried to rearrange a date for this week but I resisted the urge to accommodate him, even though I could have easily. 

I won't lie, it hurts. I know he's a stranger but I felt a connection and now I'm abandoning it because of my principles. Why do I always fail every time I find a guy I like. 

[Weezy1973]

4 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Why do I always fail every time I find a guy I like. 

Google the term aspirational dating. It especially applies to online dating. Essentially the only men you’re interested in are men with a lot of options. And that’s how you get treated; as just another option no better or worse than the others. What you want is  a man that sees you as a great catch. But you’re probably not interested in those men.

[NuevoYorko]

Here is my unwanted advice, for your future reference:

First, you started this thread with a simple question.  As it's worn on, you've backed off from the question and migrated all the way to considering whether it would be a good idea to keep hanging on as an option for him "in case" maybe his interest might grow.  I advise that you NEVER do this.

On the other hand,  there's nothing wrong with keeping a door open a crack - but NOT if you intend to maintain "text buddy" status with a man who has already showed you he is not super keen on you.  By doing that, you've put yourself in the friend zone and also shown that you're fine with being flaked on.  If you keep the door open for that guy, you are showing that you ACCEPT being an afterthought.

To clarify:

If you meet a guy and you like him, but he flakes on you, my advice is to let go of the guy and the whole idea of him.  Do NOT get into any iteration of "friend zone" including texting pals.  Just move on.  If sometime later he contacts you and asks you on a date, and you are up for it, go ahead.  Maybe he was in a difficult phase the first time around and not really ready to date, and things have changed.

If that were to happen, though, NO MORE CHANCES if he flaked again, because he will have then firmly outed himself as an unreliable person where you are concerned.  

With this guy?  All ships have sailed unless you honestly are happy to just text with a man who you don't even have any shared life experience with.  I hope you aren't.  It's a waste of your time.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I've told him that we should park things as he clearly doesn't have enough time for me.

Nevermind that HE has no time for you, that sounds like a passive/aggressive guilt trip.

A better approach would have been to tell him that this "situationship' is NOTworking for YOU, wish him well and say goodbye. 

It reflects that you value yourself, have self-respect, know what you deserve and that what he's offering with all his excuses and flaky behavior isn't it!

As a result, he may find a new respect for you and change things around, again I've seen it happen.

But if not and wouldn't count on it, you're left with knowing you did what was best for you and respecting and valuing yourself better than you were when accepting such deplorable treatment. 

I mean forgetting he made a date with you?  One can't get more insulting than that, it's beyond the pale of anything that would be considered even remotely acceptable to most women, or men if roles were reversed. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I've told him that we should park things as he clearly doesn't have enough time for me. He tried to rearrange a date for this week but I resisted the urge to accommodate him, even though I could have easily. 

I won't lie, it hurts. I know he's a stranger but I felt a connection and now I'm abandoning it because of my principles. Why do I always fail every time I find a guy I like. 

Good that you told him that and walked away.

But your final sentence is so messed up.  You didn't "abandon" this situation - you chose to walk away because it wasn't working for you.   And you didn't fail - you just over invested in a flake

Edited December 18, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Why do I always fail every time I find a guy I like. 

No. 

Why keep granting this individual permission to reject you over and over again? Really. In the end, you get to choose. Who you let in and who you don't let in is at your discretion; it is up to you to.

Edited December 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[lovesfool]

Why do I feel worse now than I did when he cancelled on me? I know if I arranged a date with him for tomorrow I would be in a good mood looking forward to it and he more than likely would have followed through. Now I feel awful.

[Alpacalia]

Sweetie. There is no need to feel bad about it! That's okay, though. I'm sure saying no to him was hard knowing how much you liked him. In spite of that, you did.

Edited December 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, lovesfool said:

'm so confused. I see real potential in this guy, but he just seems to be very casual on meeting for dates.

What potential are you seeing other than you like him?  He can't even remember that he had a date with you.  Don't you want to date a man who is excited to date you and looking forward to it?  This one is not it.  I understand that you can't wait around for Mr. Perfect but at least look for a guy who has a higher interest in you than this one.

[lovesfool]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What potential are you seeing other than you like him?  He can't even remember that he had a date with you.  Don't you want to date a man who is excited to date you and looking forward to it?  This one is not it.  I understand that you can't wait around for Mr. Perfect but at least look for a guy who has a higher interest in you than this one.

I just want someone. I'm feeling lonely and he was giving me attention, even if he flaked on dates. It was nice to get a morning message from him wishing me a nice day. Now what do I have? Nothing besides sticking to some principles that I'm not even sure I believe in and have been convinced to follow here. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I just want someone.

You can have someone.  You need to give guys a chance who are anxious to take YOU out.  Those are the guys who will stick around.  

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I've told him that we should park things as he clearly doesn't have enough time for me. He tried to rearrange a date for this week but I resisted the urge to accommodate him, even though I could have easily. 

I won't lie, it hurts. I know he's a stranger but I felt a connection and now I'm abandoning it because of my principles. Why do I always fail every time I find a guy I like. 

I'm glad you're moving on finally.

Quitting  pursuit of a person who is not reciprocating your feelings is not "abandoning" anything.  You liked him, you showed up, he wasn't feeling it like you were, he showed you that.  Stopping the back and forth is simply responding to real information.  It's like if you are driving your car and come to a red light.  You stop.  This doesn't mean that you abandoned driving because of YOUR "principles."  It means that you got crucial information and you heeded it.  

IMO you should make some absolute ground rules for yourself so you don't continue to go down dead-end rabbit holes with men you meet online.   It's really important to read people and take what they are showing & telling you very seriously.   

 

[Alpacalia]

People here have taken the time to offer support because for some reason you're okay with accepting poor treatment.

To turn it around citing that the advice you received here has convinced you to "abandon your principles" is mind boggling.

If you want to continue down the same path, then hey, by all means go right ahead.

Just don't kick dirt in the rearview mirror on your way out.

[lovesfool]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

People here have taken the time to offer support because for some reason you're okay with accepting poor treatment.

To turn it around citing that the advice you received here has convinced you to "abandon your principles" is mind boggling.

If you want to continue down the same path, then hey, by all means go right ahead.

Just don't kick dirt in the rearview mirror on your way out.

I didn't say that, so I'm not sure why you put it in quotation marks. Please don't misrepresent me. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I just want someone. I'm feeling lonely and he was giving me attention, even if he flaked on dates. It was nice to get a morning message from him wishing me a nice day. Now what do I have? Nothing besides sticking to some principles that I'm not even sure I believe in and have been convinced to follow here. 

@Loves, based on this^^, I'm gonna step outside the box and suggest something unconventional but may work to fulfill your needs, provide the attention you crave and make you happy. 

You posted earlier that you yourself have flaked on dates, that you rarely meet men you're interested in and often prefer being alone. 

Men who have been interested in dating you (in person) YOU have had no interest in dating. 

But yet you need and enjoy a man's (THIS man's) attention and also the validation which is OK, you're human, we all need that on some level or another. 

You also admit to enjoying receiving text messages and interacting on line with this man. 

Reading the above quote, this seemed to be enough for you, which is why this man flaking never bothered you all that much, as much as it would another woman.. 

Which is also OK!

So, why follow the conventional route of meeting in person and having in-person dates? 

There is no rule dictating you have to. 

Many people are having fulfilling on-line interactions and relationships whether it's due to social anxiety, extreme distance or both being somewhat avoidant (which is what I suspect here), it nevertheless works for them!

You kept trying to schedule dates with this man, he kept flaking as you admit to doing yourself with other men. 

OK so you're both avoidants in this regard, you've met your match!

Work with it, again there are no rules about any of this! 

In time, perhaps one day you will have that date.

If you do, my guess is it will be spur of the moment, spontaneous, NOT planned. 

It's the planning ahead and the overthinking that accompanies it that's causing the anxiety and ultimately flaking imo.

I've often thought this is one of the main reasons for flaking - planning ahead, overthinking and anxiety. 

You sound sad now so something to consider?

Again, there are no set rules. 

Only your own rules that you and this man define for yourselves, that work for you.

 

 

Edited December 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

11 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I didn't say that, so I'm not sure why you put it in quotation marks. Please don't misrepresent me. 

You did say you were abandoning your pen pal deal with this individual "because of [my] principals" and later you said that you are "sicking to some principals that [I'm] not sure [I] believe in.

Ok.  

But then you should not start a thread on a completely different subject.  THIS thread entitled: "Is he interested or not" is what your supporters here were responding to.

The answer  is obvious.  

Now you're pretending that you were really not interested in dating in person and you were just fine with "good morning" texts and being shown clearly that you weren't important enough (to him) to bother trying to get together.

You could start a thread about whether people agree with having texting buddies.  That would be interesting.

There are vast communities of people who are very connected virtually and never meet.  You can be pen pals with someone who's imprisoned for life and they will talk to you as if you are a true goddess - but it never has to play out in real life.

As far as threads on these sites goes, I suggest you actually post on the topic you want people to respond to.  

As far as your love life goes, it would be wise for you to sort out whether you actually want a relationship with a person that takes place in day to day, face to face real life.  If this is NOT what you are after,  it will be so easy for you to have guys (or people - you won't necessarily know who they really are) who will text you vacuous niceties or flamboyant love declarations, whatever you like, all day long.   If you're good with just texting, it would be best to not even talk about meeting.  I can't help but think that asking to meet someone multiple times and be "forgotten" or rescheduled would wreak havoc on a person's self esteem.  

Good luck to you.