Is he interested or not?

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I'm sorry, how does him flaking on me reflect poorly on me? People here were saying that he wasn't interested, which I've established is not the case so I'm not sure how you can say that he's "clearly not ready for this"

Him flaking doesn't reflect poorly on you.  Your choice to ignore the flaking and press on reflects, IMO, a bad choice you made given all the information you had.  If he had been ready for a relationship with you, he WOULD NOT have flaked.  

Something @poppyfields posted rings true here:

Quote

 

You claim you want a relationship but what often happens is IF he ever were to become available the way you claim you want him to be, YOU will then become the active runner, flaking, breaking dates etc.

 

Sorry, but from my perspective it would all have been for the best for everyone involved if you'd just moved on after the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time he "forgot" your date.   

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

If he had been ready for a relationship with you, he WOULD NOT have flaked.  

And @lovesfoolif YOU truly wanted a committed  relationship, you would not have been so willing to forgive and forget him flaking.  Two sides of the same coin.

I mean think about it.

What woman (or man) who truly desired a committed relationship would continue interacting with and hoping to date a man who clearly did not? 

She wouldn't, she would leave, cut her losses.  Look for a man ready, willing and wanting a committed relationship. Who does NOT flake. 

That's what I meant when saying your anxieties and fears surrounding commitment are reflected in your choice of partner.

You chose him for a reason.  He was unavailable (at that time) and felt safe. 

Now it appears he IS available and wants to date, and suddenly you've become the reluctant partner, finding flaws, overthinking, looking for a justifiable OUT.

Can you see this now? 

 

[Alpacalia]

I don't know OP.

I've been assigned the label avoidant and I would never proceed with someone that stood me up three times.

 

[Alvi]

This guy is very flaky and not very reliable. This is definitely not a good quality guy if you seek a long term relationship. I can almost guarantee you that he is going to flake on you again if you choose to date him. I wonder why you gave him chance at all.  Was he somehow more attractive in your eyes because he was so unavailable? And now that you have gotten to know him better, you are just feel meh about him?

I don't know what to say to you about the physical attraction part. I suppose, you should let him go if you don't find yourself attracted to him. But his character is not very attractive either, so perhaps letting him go is for the best.

Have you tried dating guys who are into fitness? I mean, you could meet someone if you go to the gym or to any sport events. Are you a part of any activity groups? Maybe you could meet a nice guy that way. The one who is not going to stand you up three times (and the one you find attractive). Forget about meeting a perfect guy, he doesn't exist. But could you settle for someone who is not so perfect looking but treats you good? Looks fade, people's bodies change. Can you look deeper to see what a guy is all about? And no, I am not taking about this particular guy. He is just too flaky for anything long lasting.

[lovesfool]

Another update! Just to say for clarity that the flakiness has completely gone. I think this may have been early date nerves as he has been very enthusiastic about making and keeping dates now. We've been on six now in total.

Things seem to be going well and our dates are very long and we chat non-stop. But I do tend to overthink some aspects. It may be due to my lack of experience in relationships and I never know if something is really a deal breaker or not.

For instance, the thing that's in my mind at the moment is that he seems to have a strong interest in the paranormal! At first I thought he was joking with me, but I do think he really believes in ghosts, aliens and maybe even psychics. I'm strongly in the mindset of needing scientific evidence to believe anything and he's clearly not. Normally this wouldn't bother me because I know a few friends who think similarly, but I just kind of scoff and change the subject with them. With the guy I'm dating, it seems to be a topic that comes up a lot! It's probably something I can look past and see it as a quirk of his personality, but I always seem to find something to ruminate on! I guess it's good now that I'm aware of it and am trying to deal with it.

Regarding the fear of intimacy, I've gotten over this and we had an intimate moment on our last date. I enjoyed myself, and so did he, but I'm very aware that he is self conscious of his weight. He had a vest on the whole time which I thought was strange and I have never encountered it before. I didn't say anything to him, but is it something that warrants a conversation? I would hope that he'd be comfortable around me, but at the same time I don't want to pressure him into anything he doesn't want to do.

Sorry for this veering off the original topic. Is it best that I create a new post?

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

 he has been very enthusiastic about making and keeping dates now. We've been on six now in total

Relax enjoy and let things evolve in due time. As far as his body issues, cross that bridge when you come to it. It's just the beginning so if the intimacy doesn't work in the long run, you can still walk away then. Sometimes things work until they don't work, but you'll have to play some things by ear for a while.

[lovesfool]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Relax enjoy and let things evolve in due time. As far as his body issues, cross that bridge when you come to it. It's just the beginning so if the intimacy doesn't work in the long run, you can still walk away then. Sometimes things work until they don't work, but you'll have to play some things by ear for a while.

That's exactly how I feel. There's nothing right now that's telling me to run away, but just some things that are on my radar to keep an eye out for. As long as I'm enjoying my time with him, that's all that matters, right?

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Just to say for clarity that the flakiness has completely gone.

I'm sure it has. With your ongoing pursuit of him.

There is already a hint to what's underneath the vest, even when he wears one. It is not like a vest is going to do much to change the shape of his body.

Throughout all this time, he has flaked on you several times, and it's almost a guarantee if you let it, whatever issues he has with his weight are going to become your issues.

 

 

[lovesfool]

So on Monday he messaged me (first) saying how he had a great time at the weekend on our date. We had a few messages back and forth but didn't really talk for the rest of the week. There were a couple of messages I sent on his posts on Instagram but that was it. I may have been a bit standoffish as I was stressed in work and wasn't sure what way our dating would go.

I messaged him yesterday asking how his week was. He replied, but he didn't reply to my second message until this morning despite being very active on WhatsApp and Instagram last night. I kind of sensed something was up so I asked if he had any plans for the weekend. He said not much besides the gym and house chores, so I asked him if he'd like to meet up. He said he had a lot of chores and errands to run so couldn't meet which definitely rang alarm bells with me.

I just asked if he would like to meet again another time and he replied with the "I didn't feel the spark" line and ended it. I was really surprised by this as just last week he mentioned how he was infatuated by me! It may have been a bit tongue in cheek, but I thought he was really into me. This is possibly why I was a bit standoffish because I was worried he was falling for me hard too soon.

I'm disappointed as I would have like to have seen if it could have gone anywhere, even if I wasn't 100% sure if I was really into him. I was willing to give it a chance, but it looks like I've to go back on the dating scene! Such is life I guess.

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

It may have been a bit tongue in cheek, but I thought he was really into me.

Sorry it didn't work out.

I'm curious though. How exactly did you arrive at this conclusion? That's not meant to disparage you. I'm talking about his behavior!

What a waste of time for you.

Edited January 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

  he replied with the "I didn't feel the spark" line and ended it. 

Sorry this happened. Sadly he doesn't seem ready to date even though he thought he was. In a way you may have dodged a bullet if he has issues that stall him out.

Edited January 21, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Calmandfocused]

I’m sorry you’re disappointed but I’m not in the least surprised. 
 

The writing was on the wall from the get go but you refused to read it.

Instead you ignored what everyone here was telling you and you chased and chased and chased ….

In your last update I was cringing as you (yet again) allowed yourself to be devalued. He was trying to tell you clearly, in the nicest possible way  that he didn’t want to see you but you pushed it … again. 
 

Never compromise your dignity. 
 

Rejection is hard to accept but don’t ever resist it or fight against it. Instead embrace the fact that many men won’t want you but there are many that will. 
 

Know when to stop flogging a dead horse. Save yourself from wasting time on the wrong man. 

Edited January 21, 2023 by Calmandfocused

[Alvi]

11 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I just asked if he would like to meet again another time and he replied with the "I didn't feel the spark" line and ended it

This guys a real "winner" here. He can not even end things with you properly. Why would he leave you hanging if he changed his mind about dating you for whatever reason?  This guy is all over the place. One minute he is the next one he doesn't feel the spark.

 

11 hours ago, lovesfool said:

So on Monday he messaged me (first) saying how he had a great time at the weekend on our date.

What da heck? Why didn't he just tell you that he no longer wants to date you instead of leading you on? There is zero reason to slow fade on anybody, really. 

I was hoping it would work out for you against all the odds. I did tell you that flaky individuals do flake again. He is not what I would call a good relationship material.  Anyway, I guess a lesson out of this would be to never chase someone who is not that interested in a first place.