soren Posted December 3, 2022 Share Posted December 3, 2022 I've been with my new boyfriend for 3 months (F23, M28) and he has suddenly disappeared after almost saying "I love you" to me and then stopping himself. I am completely confused about why he has suddenly disappeared as we have always had a lovely time together and it's been just perfect in every way. Up until now he's been wonderful, wonderful dates, long deep conversations, he introduced me to his family, and wants to introduce me to some of his friends in the next week. Now I no longer even know if we are together. I have felt quite caution of him and kept him a bit at arms length as I've felt he could potentially be a "*** and chuck" type of guy - he's told me that he has previously avoided relationships as in the past he didn't want to feel in his words "tied down" but said he did not want this with me and he was the one that pursued having an exclusive relationship when I was not sure. I have not told him this, but I was violently sexually abused growing up which has left me with trust issues and was just starting to consider telling him - but now that he's disappeared I feel that I absolutely cannot trust him. I'm now left feeling vulnerable, used and fooled. Should I simply walk away and forget about him? Should I wait? Any advice would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted December 3, 2022 Share Posted December 3, 2022 The first thing is taking a deep breath, relax. Try not to jump to any conclusion your mind is playing tricks on you so don’t let it. Clear your mind and take a step back, try not to have any irrational thoughts. How long has it been since you've heard from him? Was there an argument? When somebody disappears with no response, it's not a good sign. It's also hurtful, for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 4, 2022 Share Posted December 4, 2022 2 hours ago, soren said: I'm now left feeling vulnerable, used and fooled. Maybe that's why he went missing because he didn't want to end up using you for sex and then leaving because he knows his pattern. It doesn't seem like you were used here. Have you been through therapy for your past sexual abuse? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 4, 2022 Share Posted December 4, 2022 A certain % of the people in the dating pool are "toxic" and dysfunctional. He may be that, and that may be why he's behaving this way. For example (one example among many possible ones) there are people who unconsciously fear or feel uncomfortable in good relationships, and so do things like this and sabotage them. Sometimes (but not always) they are not very self aware of it. And there of course the classic commitment-phobes, etc. At any rate, you can give him the benefit of a doubt for a while, and see if there was some actual good reason. But after that it's probably better to realize that sometimes it really is them and not you. While there can be rationales for it at times, ghosting suddenly for no good reason is (at a minimum) inconsiderate and disrespectful and probably indicates he is not genuinely good relationship material. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 4, 2022 Share Posted December 4, 2022 13 hours ago, soren said: he has suddenly disappeared When was the last time you communicated or saw each other? What do you mean by disappeared? Has he ignored your texts? Only discuss your past trauma with your therapist and very trusted friends and family. Do not go into that with someone you only know 12 weeks. If you are concerned about hit-and-run types, slow down and make sure you pace yourself emotionally and physically. Link to post Share on other sites
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