Avoidant attachment ex (48F) keeps reaching out

[Sm12345]

My ex (48) and I (41) broke up in October after a trip to Italy. We were both really sick on the trip. I took care of her at the start and she took care of me at the end, but it put a lot of stress on the relationship. I could feel her pulling away and instead of being mature and talking to her about it, I lashed out and accused her of wanting a breakup. She said she’d been unhappy since July, but wanted to see how we’d be spending more time together.

I know this was the wrong approach, but I was frustrated and with the distance (she’s about 5 hours away), we didn’t see each other as much. A few weeks later she was in town for a work event and asked if I’d like to see her to chat. 

She gave me a four page letter telling me how wonderful I was in our relationship and a few things I’d left at her place. I wasn’t emotional and kept my calm. She asked me to stay with her so we could go for breakfast in the morning. We slept in the same bed, but didn’t have sex.

In the morning, we went for breakfast at the same place as our first date. She dropped me off, gave me a hug and a kiss on the lips, then drove back home.

I immediately went no contact. She reached out a few days later saying she missed me and was confused/having second thoughts. I told her that I wanted space and would appreciate it if we didn’t chat unless she wanted to reconcile. She said that the roles seemed to be reversed after our breakup. “I’ve become emotional and you’re the logical one.”

She asked if I was open to seeing her when she was back for her work Christmas party. I said that she could message when she’s back in town and I’ll see where I’m at.

A couple weeks later she reached out again saying she was seeing a therapist to work through her issues. I told her I thought that was really great. But again, that I wasn’t interested in hearing from her unless she wanted to reconcile. She asked if I was open to being friends, saying “I’m a much better friend than a girlfriend.”, I said no.

She’s travelling for work in Asia and sending photos of where she’s been. She keeps asking how I’m doing. I initially told her I was moving forward and trying to keep myself busy. 

I know there’s no guarantees. But I’m curious if you think a reconciliation is possible? Neither partner cheated, but I was anxious when we were together. 

TIA

Edited December 4, 2022 by Sm12345

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Sm12345 said:

Neither partner cheated, but I was anxious when we were together. 

Why were you anxious?

Edited December 4, 2022 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Sm12345 said:

I wasn’t interested in hearing from her unless she wanted to reconcile. She asked if I was open to being friends, saying “I’m a much better friend than a girlfriend.”, I said no.

She’s travelling for work in Asia and sending photos of where she’s been. She keeps asking how I’m doing. I initially told her I was moving forward and trying to keep myself busy.

If you're not interested in hearing from her unless she wants to reconcile, why do you keep responding to her? 

Tell her to knock it off. She's not respecting what you told her and making it about what she wants (attention, compliments, who knows) Think what says about her consideration for you and your feelings. 

 

[Wiseman2]

How long were you dating? Distance relationships have a lot of challenges.

It may be better to let it go. Besides the distance, you're incompatible and both unhappy.

If you don't want to end up in the friendzone, make a clean break then delete and block her so you can date local available interested women and be happy.

 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Why were you anxious?

Because she's avoidant.

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She's not respecting what you told her and making it about what she wants (attention, compliments, who knows) Think what says about her consideration for you and your feelings. 

Yup. It says a lot when one person asks for space and no contact and the other person does not respect that. Really think about what this say about her and the dynamic of your relationship. 

[glows]

I think she lost romantic feelings for you. Your first paragraph was telling in the way she was slowly falling out of love and becoming disinterested since July, held out until after the trip in Oct and then broke up with you.

In situations like this take a moment to understand that the other person has been rethinking the relationship for some time. You’re blindsided and upset as you pushed her to breaking point and she broke up with you only in Oct but she’s been on the fence about this since July, 3 months prior to breaking up. 

She may feel guilty about breaking it off, feel sad or pity you but she doesn’t seem romantically interested at all. When would living locally ever have been a possibility if this was ldr? Did ldr trigger anxiety for you? Were you worried she’d meet other men? Your choices in ldr led you down this path so before considering a reconciliation, think about the ldr situation. It makes absolutely zero sense to keep repeating a situation you continue to feel uncomfortable with. 

I strongly suggest you start focusing on yourself, do well for yourself, keep fit, be healthy and engage in your hobbies and interests. Stop depending on her to make you feel good about yourself. Eliminate issues and situations that don’t make you feel good or uncomfortable. 

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Because she's avoidant.

I ask because I'd like OP to reflect on the reasons for the anxiety in order to figure out whether reconciling is a good idea.

[Sm12345]

On 12/4/2022 at 12:23 AM, Acacia98 said:

Why were you anxious?

Hi, thanks for the reply.

I think I was anxious because of her attachment style. Throughout the courting process, she pursued me. She gave me a lot of value and I had the confidence to pursue her. But I think I over pursued and that scared her off. I also had a tendency of giving her a scarcity mindset. Which I also think scared her off.

[Sm12345]

On 12/4/2022 at 9:52 AM, BaileyB said:

Yup. It says a lot when one person asks for space and no contact and the other person does not respect that. Really think about what this say about her and the dynamic of your relationship. 

I don’t think I set strong enough boundaries. And when she’d reach out, I’d assume it was to reconcile. Which it wasn’t.

She reached out again after I created a Dropbox link for our Italy photos (which she asked for prior to the breakup) and I guess it notified her of the link.

[Sm12345]

On 12/4/2022 at 4:42 PM, glows said:

I think she lost romantic feelings for you. Your first paragraph was telling in the way she was slowly falling out of love and becoming disinterested since July, held out until after the trip in Oct and then broke up with you.

In situations like this take a moment to understand that the other person has been rethinking the relationship for some time. You’re blindsided and upset as you pushed her to breaking point and she broke up with you only in Oct but she’s been on the fence about this since July, 3 months prior to breaking up. 

She may feel guilty about breaking it off, feel sad or pity you but she doesn’t seem romantically interested at all. When would living locally ever have been a possibility if this was ldr? Did ldr trigger anxiety for you? Were you worried she’d meet other men? Your choices in ldr led you down this path so before considering a reconciliation, think about the ldr situation. It makes absolutely zero sense to keep repeating a situation you continue to feel uncomfortable with. 

I strongly suggest you start focusing on yourself, do well for yourself, keep fit, be healthy and engage in your hobbies and interests. Stop depending on her to make you feel good about yourself. Eliminate issues and situations that don’t make you feel good or uncomfortable. 

I think you’re right. And I think I made her aware of that by being less of a challenge and saying “I can’t believe I landed someone as great as you.” I realize that now. 

But I also think we rushed into things too soon. Her and I being sick on our trip put a lot of unnecessary stress on the relationship.

[Sm12345]

On 12/3/2022 at 10:40 PM, Kelton said:

Other than towards the end where you write that she's rather just stay as friends, I don't see where she actually broke up with you. If anything you appear to be the dumper and it was in response to the way she was acting towards you- but her actions as described were far short of actually dumping you.

 

We spoke over FaceTime about a week after we returned home. She told me she’d been unhappy for a while, but wanted to work through things. My anxiety was making her anxious and she couldn’t communicate it. I didn’t want to break up, but I didn’t feel like she was capable at that point of giving me the emotional support I needed in our relationship, so I agreed that a breakup was for the best. I did stress to her that I thought we could work through it and that I wasn’t completely convinced that a breakup was right for us, but that I accepted her decision. 

[Sm12345]

On 12/4/2022 at 5:56 AM, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating? Distance relationships have a lot of challenges.

It may be better to let it go. Besides the distance, you're incompatible and both unhappy.

If you don't want to end up in the friendzone, make a clean break then delete and block her so you can date local available interested women and be happy.

 

10 months. From end of December to early October. 

[Sm12345]

On the afternoon she drove me back to my apartment, she said that even though she was unhappy, she hadn’t checked out until recently.

She said she’d been planning on the flight home (she flew into Toronto airport and I flew into Montréal) how to make our next trip better. Maybe less events in one day (I’d felt a bit overwhelmed on our last day in Rome) and more things we could do at a leisurely pace.

She also said she was planning a surprise for our anniversary. A two night stay in Québec City on New Year’s Eve, if she could work out the logistics.

I asked her why she was telling me this (she also made note of it in my letter) and she said she wanted me to know that she hadn’t just given up on us. That she was trying to figure out ways to make it work. 

[ShyViolet]

Instead of sending her a rather mixed message of "don't reach out to me unless you want to reconcile" I think it's time to simply put a clear end to this relationshp and say "please don't reach out to me."  and if she continues disregarding your boundaries, that is what the block button is for.  Sometimes you have to do this for your own mental well-being.

You were together for only 10 months, not a very long time, before everything fell apart.  This shows that you are just not compatible.  You would just have the same problems again if you tried to force it a second time.